Where I am now

[Depression = 72% of members]

When I started seeing a counselor six months ago, it was new terrain. A place that simply existed to let my needs be front and center, and give me the practice to say what I need, want, expect without judgement.

I have been NC with my BPD mom for 8 mo, and there is no one more surprised by this than me. For so long fear of her reaction ran/has been running my life. It is only in the last 6 mo of hard work with a therapist that I understand I have next to no assertive behavior because that was always frowned upon in my family.

It has been liberating to go to a therapist and have my needs, desires, etc be the forefront. To learn that assertiveness does not mean rudeness. But it is not something that comes easy and everytime I practice these skills I start to have some anxiety.

What I have come to know is that I have an older brother that shares the same type of BPD traits as mom, and we still talk on the phone, he is pressuring me to define what i am doing with mom. My other two siblings are just being aloof.

 In "Stop Walking On Eggshells" book  I have come to know I am in the decision making stage of what to do with mom.

I want to make that call soon (in one part of my brain) (the other part says this could take YEARS.)

I think the reason I am writing this today is to deal with the unspoken pain I have at realizing i've got a double dose of BPD traits in the family, I am exhausted. I feel like I've got to stay vigilant always because my assertive skills are so weak.

So what am I fearing exactly?  I fear being an emotional pin cushion, fear of feeling the  anger that my brother has about  his own life getting projected onto me. I wish he would just leave me alone.

I also loathe the misunderstandings from good meaning people that have a hard time fathoming that I don't have or want a relationship with my mom right now. ( maybe never!)

And then  the other truth that hurts like hell. I have had a really peaceful and "good for me 8 months." I don't miss my moms influence in my life, but I do miss her and wish it was different.

There are all these skills of how to manage the BP in your life, and the way to instill boundaries, however when I take a good hard look at myself, I don't feel  assertive and strong enough to withstand her emotional chess game.

It is all about whats good for me, my baby daughter and husband right now. Sounds selfish. But it is not.


And if some semblance of a relationship  is to come down the road...I think it will indeed take years, not six months of counseling.

The "need to know where I am at with mom" that comes from my brother just feels like a manipulation.
He is trying to "care about me," in order to ultimately attack me for putting myself first.

[Imatter33]

When I started seeing a counselor six months ago, it was new terrain. A place that simply existed to let my needs be front and center, and give me the practice to say what I need, want, expect without judgement.

I have been NC with my BPD mom for 8 mo, and there is no one more surprised by this than me. For so long fear of her reaction ran/has been running my life. It is only in the last 6 mo of hard work with a therapist that I understand I have next to no assertive behavior because that was always frowned upon in my family.

It has been liberating to go to a therapist and have my needs, desires, etc be the forefront. To learn that assertiveness does not mean rudeness. But it is not something that comes easy and everytime I practice these skills I start to have some anxiety.

What I have come to know is that I have an older brother that shares the same type of BPD traits as mom, and we still talk on the phone, he is pressuring me to define what i am doing with mom. My other two siblings are just being aloof.

 In "Stop Walking On Eggshells" book  I have come to know I am in the decision making stage of what to do with mom.

I want to make that call soon (in one part of my brain) (the other part says this could take YEARS.)

I think the reason I am writing this today is to deal with the unspoken pain I have at realizing i've got a double dose of BPD traits in the family, I am exhausted. I feel like I've got to stay vigilant always because my assertive skills are so weak.

So what am I fearing exactly?  I fear being an emotional pin cushion, fear of feeling the  anger that my brother has about  his own life getting projected onto me. I wish he would just leave me alone.

I also loathe the misunderstandings from good meaning people that have a hard time fathoming that I don't have or want a relationship with my mom right now. ( maybe never!)

And then  the other truth that hurts like hell. I have had a really peaceful and "good for me 8 months." I don't miss my moms influence in my life, but I do miss her and wish it was different.

There are all these skills of how to manage the BP in your life, and the way to instill boundaries, however when I take a good hard look at myself, I don't feel  assertive and strong enough to withstand her emotional chess game.

It is all about whats good for me, my baby daughter and husband right now. Sounds selfish. But it is not.


And if some semblance of a relationship  is to come down the road...I think it will indeed take years, not six months of counseling.

The "need to know where I am at with mom" that comes from my brother just feels like a manipulation.
He is trying to "care about me," in order to ultimately attack me for putting myself first.

[pursuingJoy]

And if some semblance of a relationship  is to come down the road...I think it will indeed take years, not six months of counseling.

The "need to know where I am at with mom" that comes from my brother just feels like a manipulation.
He is trying to "care about me," in order to ultimately attack me for putting myself first.

Hi, Imatter33! Thanks for sharing your story. It's not selfish at all. Your focus now should be on your family of choice and your new little one. A healthy mom and brother would appreciate that and support you. I'm sorry you don't have their full support. I'm sure you could use it right now.

Just want to validate that I've encountered the same type of pressure you're getting from your brother. After a difficult encounter with my BPD MIL, my husband and MIL demanded that I "decide what I was going to do." This was such an odd request to me. I had already appropriately shared how my feelings were hurt. I needed time to process it, I wasnt sure what I was supposed to be deciding. I resented the pressure and felt somehow that the responsibility was becoming mine?

I was asked repeatedly when i would decide. Decide what? Why was there a deadline?

I was then told that i was to call her, or she would never visit. This made me LOL inside. Outside, I simply stated to my husband that I didn't appreciate threatening statements.

Then they got upset because I didn't call within a timeframe that was never communicated to me. It was so strange. I simply asked my husband why there was a deadline to begin with.  

Meanwhile, my heart races at each threat. I'm scared, I battle feeling disoriented, and I'm hurting. But I'm also learning and getting better at really SEEING what's going on. Healing happens at your pace. Expect pressure, but know that there isnt any need to acquiesce to other's deadlines or demands. What you're doing is not selfish. It is needed and normal and healthy. It might take years. There's no way to predict how long it might take. And that is ok.

You're doing such a great job! Your husband and kiddo need you. Keep up the counseling. Keep talking to us, we're all working hard to strengthen our boundary setting and reconcile our inner voices with what we say aloud. We can do this.

pj

[Imatter33]

 

PJ,

Your validation is so so nice to receive. Thank you.


I told my husband last night, when he asked what on earth I was typing, that I "was trying to save his ears." Thank goodness for the support that comes from our most close people, but I am so happy to have had the validation  from another source.

Isn't it just incredible how many people are affected and trying to cope with BPD in one way or another? I am very grateful to your response.

I recently blocked my brothers number. He has other ways to get a hold of me, email, facebook, but I just didn't like him having the phone option.

The thing is though, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. He will in due time realize that his calls are not being answered and I will get a strongly worded message of some kind.

It will just be a message, but why does even the thought make me so sick to my stomach. He can't really do anything to me but get an attitude.