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Author Topic: I don’t know where to start.  (Read 1147 times)
Avanzando

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« on: September 17, 2019, 11:43:16 PM »

Hello,

I am brand new on this site after several months of debate. I don’t really know where to start. I’ve been in therapy for about 7 months for various issues and have learned I was raised in a classic BP environment (I am near mid-life and I still live with my BP Mom).  I read SWOE as my therapist prescribed and I’ve transitioned from the denial phase that I lived a sheltered life in spite of what I’ve been through, passed through the anger phase, and am left in severe confusion; it’s looming over me as I transition between two realities- the one I was raised with and the one I am learning through therapy.

I’m working through the SWOE Workbook and therapy but those seem to be my only grounding sources. I bounce between realities as my BP’s influence has been paramount in my life for so many years. As I progress in understanding and using different ways to communicate and set boundaries the abuse and gaslighting has gotten worse.   

I am making plans to leave as years of begging and pleading for her to stop hurting me and get help for her anger issues has failed. I am getting a bit stronger but still feel the need to sneak away; I can’t let her know until I am ready to leave so she doesn’t create a crisis to sabotage my efforts again. It’s difficult to slip out with animals in tow, but I am doing the best I can- even writing a letter to explain my departure since I expect she will not be able to comprehend my words (words are often twisted). Also I feel guilty for leaving and afraid of what will happen to her and to me.  The conflict within is difficult to deal with and I find myself numbing out emotionally to get done what I need to do... for my sake and for her’s.

Well, that’s this nut in a nutshell.  I guess I’m looking for people who understand and can be supportive to my transition  because it’s so hard to find locally. I’m actually afraid of this site too, but I have to do something!

Thank you for listening.
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2019, 12:04:57 AM »

Hi and welcome. 

I am glad you posted and are reaching out for support.  It takes a lot of courage huh?  I can relate to much of what you wrote including having lived with my parents until late (for me it was mid to late 30's... I am 53 now).  You are not alone and you do not have to deal with this alone any more.

Can I ask what got you into therapy?  Facing that there is something wrong and being torn between 2 realities is so difficult.  I can remember pushing away awareness of how bad things were so many times before I finally left.  I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of having to deal with the reality of my life up until that point.  Can you relate?

Excerpt
I can’t let her know until I am ready to leave so she doesn’t create a crisis to sabotage my efforts again.
I think keeping your plans to yourself until they are set and you are ready is a wise thing to do.  Regardless of how you choose to leave it will be difficult for the both of you.  We can support you along with your therapist as you work towards this goal.   Again, you don't have to do this without support. 

Excerpt
Also I feel guilty for leaving and afraid of what will happen to her and to me.  The conflict within is difficult to deal with and I find myself numbing out emotionally to get done what I need to do... for my sake and for her’s.
I can relate to this.  As distressing as it is, it makes sense to me that you would feel guilt and be shutting down emotionally.  It is a huge change and I remember the fear and panic I would feel before blessed numbness set in.

What do you have set in terms of where you will live and support yourself?   

Excerpt
I’m actually afraid of this site too, but I have to do something!
Are you afraid of posting or is it something else?

Again, I am glad you found us and that you took the step to reach out and ask for support.

We've got ya.
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« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2019, 12:51:55 AM »

Excerpt
Also I feel guilty for leaving and afraid of what will happen to her and to me

What do you feel might happen to you? 
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Avanzando

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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2019, 02:57:12 AM »

I am afraid of posting and responses. I wasn’t expecting so many responses and questions; it was overwhelming to see the support and encouragement in just a couple of minutes (in a good way ). I’m used to being alone, never writing my thought or feelings down (except on rare occasions when it was vitally necessary) and being completely misunderstood when I did try to speak out or get help.

I will try to respond to the questions best I can.

I am still fighting the reality of what is happening to my fragile world and am overwhelmed and exhausted by it; I am 39 and have been a co-dependent of a BP for 37 years (minus the 1 year and 4 months spent in the military; I think that’s a more severe form of NBPD). After reading the first two pages of SWOT I wanted to shred and burn the book along with all the revealed secrets and pain. I was terrified and that’s when this chapter of my chaotic nightmare began.

I’ve been suicidally depressed since I left the military 20 years ago; I was honorably discharged under medical conditions for my health failing and my first (actually second) suicide attempt since I joined.  Just after I got out my relationship with my first boyfriend ended traumatically (for me) and I swore I didn’t need a man to hurt me like that again. I had given up on God while in the military but was fortunate he did not give up on me... Bible study has been the only balance I have found in my inner chaos. I found out the house we grew up in was a toxic home (literally) with carbon monoxide and mold which explained some of my failing health (and my family of course). I helped raise my sister and home-schooled her until she ran away at 18.  I was also a passenger in an auto accident for the second time and this time it left me in a wheelchair for 2 years.  Mom and I were constantly at odds since my return from the military. 15 years go by and several moves later, I fell in love with a neighbor (mutually) who used to Bible study with us and help us out. I didn’t even know what those feelings were for some time and kept ignoring them.  Well, with a lifetime of buried emotions it really opened up a can of worms. I was also living in a high drug neighborhood at the time and didn’t know it; I thought I was developing schizophrenia. Well, my neighbor became my boyfriend then my fiancé; he was my strength and my courage and, though he was also working to overcome problems in his life, he helped me to conquer some of the fears and phobias I’d developed and he was helping me to focus on life rather than death.  He also would stand up to Mom’s anger and manipulation and he would walk away.  I don’t think he knows what a blessing he was in my life. He finally drove away for the last time in May 2018. (Every time I would stand up to Mom’s mistreatments it would lead to her physically hurting me to keep me under control or making sure my fiancé would leave and blame me for it.) She insisted we move close to his sister (where he was living) and she always gets what she wants... By the time we got here, he was gone again. Now she hates his sister and won’t have anything to do with her! I felt like a yo-yo and once again was over the edge of suicide. One thing my fiancé would  say to me is to finish what I start. I felt like I was unraveling at the seams and falling into the abyss of insanity. I would have given into it, except my fiancé was the inspiration for my seeking therapy. I started trying to live and I wanted to see it through and gave myself 1 year of therapy to see if it would help; if not, suicide is always looming over me as an alternative option.

I’ve been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Major Depression with Anxious Disorder, Dissociative Disorder and co-dependency. Aside from Mom’s mental, emotional, psychological and physical abuse as a BP (she did have loving moments in between but could turn at a moments notice and she does suffer from chronic physical illnesses as well), I was also molested by a relative as a toddler, sexually assaulted by friends and family in pre-adolescence, and raped at 19 by a comrade in the military- what’s more traumatic and humiliating than the rape was to realize I didn’t even know it was rape for 19 years (I honestly thought I got what I deserved for asking someone for a little help). The BP issues are so deep we haven’t been able to work on the other traumas yet.

I am a freeze prone; my first reaction to stress is to freeze or hide or zone-out mentally or emotionally; when that doesn’t work I have anxiety attacks- I’ve been having them since childhood and never knew what they were. (And to think that I thought the military would toughen me up because I was so shy and sensitive and weak
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Avanzando

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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2019, 02:58:16 AM »

Thank you Cat Familiar and Skip for the personal messages.

Oh, I just realized it’s not just a few asking questions or sharing the trauma, it’s a bunch of you already!  Thank you all for the kind words and support!
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2019, 07:52:28 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I’m used to being alone, never writing my thought or feelings down (except on rare occasions when it was vitally necessary) and being completely misunderstood when I did try to speak out or get help.
Well, that was then right?  We don't do that here.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  We support and validate but we will also challenge you too on some things.  All of it is in the spirit of understanding and support for you so keep writing.

It is scary when the we start changing our perspective especially when it involves deep emotional stuff.

Thank you for sharing more of your story.  There is a lot of pain and loss there.  I also see courage and strength in you too. 

Excerpt
I started trying to live and I wanted to see it through and gave myself 1 year of therapy to see if it would help; if not, suicide is always looming over me as an alternative option.
I am so glad you chose differently and I hope you continue the fight.  I like the phrase "finish what you started".  There does not have to be a time limit on it, just a goal to reach for. 

Do you feel safe with yourself now?  Is your therapist (T) aware of your thoughts of suicide?  It is okay to talk about it here and I am glad you did.  I get it.  I had suicide as a backup plan for a long time, though was only ever actively suicidal (with a plan) once.  It can get better and it takes being honest about it to get help. 

You also mentioned that your mother gets physical with you.  When was the last time that happened?  Share more when you can okay?

Several of us are diagnosed with c-PTSD, including me.  I also have depression and anxiety and am on meds to help.  I am sorry that on top of everything you experienced sexual abuse and rape.   It is so much to deal with, too much really.  I also know it can be done though.  There is hope and things get better.  I don't want to keep saying "me too" but... me too.  I was sexually abused by my mother until my mid 30's.  I hear you and I can relate.  It gets better.  I can't say that enough.  Just take it one step and one day at a time.

Thank you for taking the risk and sharing more with us.

We've here and listening.
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« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2019, 08:16:38 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Avanzando.

I want to join the others in welcoming you. This is a safe place to share and discuss these issues, you are not alone.

Excerpt
  I am still fighting the reality of what is happening to my fragile world and am overwhelmed and exhausted by it

Many here have/are experiencing this.

Take a look at this link, it is one of many tools/workshops available here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56281.0

LT.
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Avanzando

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Wolves; a good reminder that we all need support!


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« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2019, 11:58:31 PM »

All that pain and loss was buried under denial for all these years. I am officially spring-loaded when under the right pressure now, which I don’t like at all. After reading SWOE I could relate to the emotional earthquakes and typhoons and tsunamis of the people who shared their stories, not verbatim mind you, but in principle. I’m most cases it felt like we were talking about the same parent. I feel like a complainer when I read some of your stories and trials because I know life could have been a lot worse for me and I should feel grateful for not having suffered more than I did. My heart goes out to you all for enduring so much and for putting yourselves out there to help others.

When I first went to therapy I was actively suicidal again. In an effort to fight to live I, for the first time ever, laid bare everything I could think of that lead me to this point; I literally had nothing to lose and I’ve been here too many times before. When I was done blurting it all out in between hysterical crying I felt completely exposed and at her mercy... a very dangerous position to be in.

I am a bit more hesitant here but again I can’t get help if I hold back so I am trying to find a balance (is there such a thing?)  I’m a bit rusty and worn out, but I used to like a good challenge! I read part of the message board that was linked here for me. Thank you.

Seven months into therapy and I am still being seen twice a week and we do checkups because I change so rapidly from depressed to suicidal. I give a lot of credit to my therapist; she really works hard to help me sort through each episode.  I feel like a soap opera. My suicidal desires fluctuate drastically with my BP’s mood swings. I am not yet safe with myself, but I promised God to seek help and try to learn how to live for a year and I don’t make promises if I don’t intend to keep them... especially not to God! So for better or worse, I’m not allowed to commit suicide this year, no matter how tempting it is.  The promise was made in January but I didn’t get to proper therapy until March, so I extended that year promise to March of next year. Setting dates for things, no matter how frivolous, is a way for me to cope. I don’t know how to use a planner though (I get confused) and, ironically, I have never set a date for suicide... I’m passively suicidal with depression and can get actively suicidal during an anxiety attack (I didn’t know I had anxiety attacks until recently). My most foolish attempt was death by paperclip
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« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2019, 12:17:52 AM »

Avenzando,

There is a text line for help. Members here who have tried it said it was helpful.

Try the Text Message Hotline on Your Smartphone (741741) Local counselors can do everything from just answering simple questions, to suggesting places to go for 24 hour / low cost assistance, to connecting you with a live counselor by phone who can talk things through with you.

Can you give it a try? We will all support you here, but it's good to connect with someone closer who can help you work through this.
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Avanzando

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« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2019, 01:23:11 AM »

I will keep that number handy; thank you for the concern. I have finally called a veteran’s crisis line a couple of times in the last few months to just get through the anxiety attacks/suicidal moments when they’re bad enough, but I will keep this number handy not knowing what to expect when I am on the move.

Also I forgot to address the last physical assault from Mom. That was about a month or so ago. I don’t get beaten per say. The last time she whipped me a good one with leashes, slammed my hand away from the key in the door (I was expecting her to crush my fingers too but she didn’t) and she nearly broke the key off in the lock. She usually throws things at me or breaks things or shoves me out the door. The rage in her eyes are enough to make me scatter or surrender before I get anything worse... even at 39!years old... it’s really pathetic!
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Harri
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« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2019, 04:51:02 PM »

Hi again!

Excerpt
I feel like a complainer when I read some of your stories and trials because I know life could have been a lot worse for me and I should feel grateful for not having suffered more than I did.
A lot of us have had to work through this thought.  The thing is, we were all abused in one way or another and all of it caused pain and damage.  I too am grateful that things were not worse for me and I have come to accept that things were bad enough.  The good news is we get it here.  I can't stress that enough so keep sharing.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I literally had nothing to lose and I’ve been here too many times before. When I was done blurting it all out in between hysterical crying I felt completely exposed and at her mercy... a very dangerous position to be in.
Did she ultimately turn out to be a safe person to expose yourself to?

Excerpt
I am a bit more hesitant here but again I can’t get help if I hold back so I am trying to find a balance (is there such a thing?)
Share as you can.  We are peer support, and I don't think I have ever seen anyone share something that was not received with kindness and support.   Sometimes we challenge each other on our thinking or even behaviors and that too is offered as support and with kindness.

I am glad and relieved you are getting support for your suicidal feelings.  Are you on medications for depression?  I am wondering if that might help too. 

I am concerned about the physical abuse you experience from your mom.  It is domestic violence, at least here in the US.  What does your therapist (T) say about it?

keep sharing. 
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« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2019, 10:20:46 PM »

OP, I know it has been scary for me to receive support in the past due to fear of being abused.  People seem nice at first and then they can turn on you. This is similar to  bpd abuse and then the bpd's seeming to be normal for a bit.

We do have the bpd parent or sibling in common here regardless of the details of our lives.  I hope you do keep posting. I take breaks because it is overwhelming to think about. But you did reach out. Not many get it, but we understand how confounding it is to have a disordered parent spewing abusive lies about you to your face.

If you don't have the means to move, it may be worthwhile to leave your home for a few hours each day. Escaping that environment for a few hours at a time can help calm the mind. I am an introverted person and love libraries and museums. Am also a caffeine fiend. It's nice to drink coffee at a cafe and people watch.

« Last Edit: September 22, 2019, 10:32:36 PM by TelHill » Logged
Avanzando

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« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2019, 02:03:47 AM »

I’m still working through some of the denial and when I remember another piece of the past I am shocked all over again and usually end up in another anxiety attack. I’ve blocked out a lot more than I thought and I am beginning to see links through the different abuses between Mom and others; I honestly thought it was the consequences of my being such a screw-up... even through adulthood. I knew the physical abuse was abuse but only when I made her mad enough and it was not half as bad as she was treated as a child or as I’ve heard horror stories about. “Mommy Dearest” had an erie ring, but on a far more severe scale. Now that I’m looking back, it’s erie alright but my life is reflecting that one more and more... no wonder I feel like I’ve lost my mind.

My therapist has been my non-bias support through and through. She recently asked if I felt ready for once a week (balance between support and dependency) and she reads me pretty well (uncanny). I thought about it and sent a secure message agreeing to it if I can schedule an emergency back up on weeks that are too much for me. She replied in our next session and asked if I was really ready or if I was making space for someone else because I didn’t feel worthy. I burst into tears and that was all the answer she needed. We’re still visiting twice a week... because she says I am worth it.

With my last plan to leave, I confused in a couple of spiritual friends.  Of, course they did not understand the situation and I wasn’t well equipped with words to explain. With some comforting words and scriptures to help with my depression, I was also incidentally (with all best intentions) compared to getting a late start as a rebellious teenager. I was devastated by that harsh and unexpected comparison. I brought it up in therapy and we broke it down to see if there was any validity to what was said. I came to realize seeking independence and self-identity as a teenager is different than trying to crawl out from under a lifetime of abuse. It’s a repeated pattern, when I try to confide in someone about the problems I’m having I am met with ridicule. Since therapy I’ve managed to reconnect with friends I’ve lost who had stood up to Mom’s abuse... they didn’t know how bad it really was and they agreed to be a support as I try to get out from under Mom’s influence and learn who I am. Proverbs 13:20: “The one walking with the wise will become wise, But the one who has dealings with the stupid will fare badly.”

My therapist listens to the stories of abuses but, rather than specifically commenting on the severity, she explores Mom’s impulsive/compulsive behaviors with me; moods, spending habits, eating, moving, decision making and the list goes on.  Whenever I would challenge Mom’s authority she would feel insecure and, since fighting back verbally and physically has worked for her in the past, it stands to reason she will impulsively resort back to what makes her feel safer even though it’s a maladaptive coping skill and she hurts the very people she cares about... including me. It doesn’t justify the abuse, but if she hasn’t learned how to use other tools it stands to reason she’s stuck in these destructive patterns. It helps me view both sides of the abuse; I love my Mom but I hate the abuse and this way of reasoning doesn’t undermine me or Mom.  Then we discuss choices I have right now I am letting her know the abuse will not be tolerated anymore and I follow through by walking out with the animals and go for a walk and meditate on peaceful things for a while, visit a friend, spend time in the van, call the crisis line if I’m too overwhelmed. That change in my reaction is what sparked her rage with the leash incident. My therapist has told me to expect setbacks because I  don’t have a forward only support system; I am battling between the support of a new pattern of thinking while still under heavy pressure of going back to the one who receives the abuse unconditionally.  If I were under different circumstances the process would likely be more consistent.  She is supporting my decision to leave, even helping with a few ideas for discretion.  She says she thinks it would have been too traumatic for me to leave last May, when I still didn’t have understanding of why our relationship was so bad. She is glad that I am choosing to leave now with some knowledge and understanding of what is happening and with having some life skills practice in and some self-care practice to help me through the rough transition. She’s also glad I’m going to stop and stay with a few friends on my way out.  

Until this moment, I haven’t recognized the abuse as domestic violence.  I’ve never called the police on her either. Once when confiding in a friend who was in a position of authority I mistakenly triggered events where they were obligated to notify the police; the police came and told her to knock it off or get go to jail and she played victim with them and a family friend who was visiting, but one it was just her, my sister and me it was another story. The kitchen was demolished and we had frozen vegetables thrown at us and we were left with the clean-up.  Not in all this time did I think of it as domestic violence. Reading that just now and realizing he truth of it has me pouring out a fresh set of tears (overwhelmed again). It’s hard enough to recognize that it’s not “just a mild version of a well deserved abuse” but a moderate abuse and now domestic violence... who would have thought!  It just never crossed my mind that way.  I lived up north in the US most of my life and now live in the desert SW. Domestic disputes are not tolerated by the letter of the law, but my whole family lives that way and has for generations. Thank you Harri for that new insight.

I will not take prescription medication. I was on Zoloft once and it made me much worse; I was so numb I went from being suicidal to homicidal/suicidal. I tried to talk to my assigned psychiatrist about it but he dismissed it so I took myself off the meds cold turkey and never looked back; I went back to just being suicidal.  I’ve been misdiagnosed, mis-medicated and over medicated with other health issues as well (which is an integral part of my getting raped at 19).  I have been working with healthier eating habits and tolerable exercise(walks, bike rides, Pilates, chi-gong for detox, etc.) and have recently read about Ashwaghanda with black pepper so I’ve recently added 1200mg 2xdaily to my regimen and I think that and therapy are working together; I’m more passively suicidal with shorter, less intense bouts of becoming actively suicidal. I also use lavender Essen oil, though I don’t care for the smell, cinnamon for a comfort smell, and am using Women’s hormones essential oil blend. I’ve just started an adrenal restore since the cysts on my kidney are growing but the pain of them is once again being dismissed in the medical profession (they’re not big enough to cause me pain). Did I mention I make a mean hot chocolate? For one thing dark chocolate is really good for women’s health, my sister was prescribed dark chocolate for helping to regulate her heart after the effects suffered from living in a moldy, cabin monises house. Anyways, here’s the Hot Cocoa recipe for anyone interested:

In a 16 oz jar combine the following:

3 or 4 TBSP Ghoradelli double chocolate hot chocolate mix

A dash of the following:
  Fresh ground coffee
  Cayenne Pepper
  Cinnamon
  Ginger
  Turmeric
  Activated Charcoal

2 drops Eucalyptus Oil

1 scoop vanilla, chocolate or unflavored bone broth collagen.

Add hot water 1/2 way, shake or stir well while being mindful of this delicious version of self-care.  Let stand for about 5 min.  Then add the rest of the water and mix a second time. Enjoy it as you meditate through your morning.

I haven’t found a good organic hot cocoa mix yet but at least Ghiradelli isn’t loaded with a gazillion chemicals.

It’s ironic TelHill would mention sibling. I’m an introvert as well and have learned to be self-abusive as my maladaptive coping skill and I never learned to take care of myself before therapy. My sister is 10 years younger than me; I believe she is extroverted (but with moments of introverted needs) and I know she has engaged in self-harm too, but she was more prone to stand toe-to-toe with Mom’s mood swings. When she was young I tried to protect her, but as she got older she seemed to goad Mom on, and I would protect to a certain degree then duck and run when I saw it was impossible to be the peacemaker. My sister and I are polar opposites of the same BPD parent; I was very reserved and my sister was very brazen and living more wild as the years went by. My sister ran away at 17 and again, for the last time, at 18 1/2.  We saw her for a while a few years after that, we were there for the birth of her first son and almost for the second. Now there’s been no contact for 4 years or so, but I hear she has a daughter too. The glimpses (pictures) I have seen of her life makes me sad; I can still see the pain in her eyes.  Since recently attempting to talk to my estranged Dad about Mom’s undiagnosed NBPD (it went terribly wrong and I was equated as having the same mean disposition as her), my sister has tried to contact me (my Dad has kept in contact with her all this time). I haven’t responded yet but am working on a text reply.  I saw her Facebook page once and she still holds a lot of anger, even at God, and while I do want to help her I feel too vulnerable to be exposed to that negative influence at this time. I feel a text explaining Mom’s unofficial diagnoses and mine will help if she’s in therapy or considering therapy, and I’m including a personal note of apology for my part in failing her as a child; for not being strong enough to get her out of the abuse or at least getting her professional help when I began to see how much emotional pain she was in from the abuse, and to let her know that I won’t keep in contact right now but that I do love her and value her in my heart. If anyone understands what I am trying to get across to her and has a few ideas, please share.

I do get easily overwhelmed, whether good or bad, and that’s part of my shut down response- I will cancel all appointments and won’t answer phone calls or texts and sometimes won’t even answer the door.  It’s hard to be consistent with therapy when I feel overwhelmed, but I can’t get better if I quit, and I need to try something different because hiding in my own shell is making me claustrophobic. Even the name I chose for this site is a self-reminder to be self-aware to take time for self-care. Avanzando means “moving forward “ in Spanish; it’s another attempt to not give in to the abusive lies I’ve learned to believe all my life.  The shut down is also dangerous because that’s when I start flipping from passively suicidal to active suicidal- and all the more so with Mom pushing me harder.  I actually think part of my being suicidal is my own guilt and shame but another part stems from Mom projecting her despair onto me; she pushes more buttons when I’m at the brink and demands to make plans for the both of us. That’s another subject for another day.

I’m holding gallons of anxiety as I’m trying to discreetly pack to leave and recent Bible scriptures, therapy and this site are motivating me to not give up and crawl back in my shell. I spend as much time away from home as I can right now, even triggering more episodes of heat exhaustion, just to return with her still disgruntled or raging.  I’ve been sleeping in the van for about 3 weeks already to avoid her nightly barrage of criticism and rages and use the shaded van as my therapy, office and meditation space when The sun is too hot to go for a walk. I can’t travel too far for too long without the suns heat affecting me through the windshield and from suffering Chemical Sensitivities made worse by pollution. Things I have to consider and prepare for when I leave. I’m detaching but not shutting down yet which is a bit of a twist... out of the ordinary for me.

Now that the tears have subsided and I am emotionally drained I wish you all a good night and sweeter dreams with each passing day.
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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2019, 12:57:53 AM »

A brief note before bed...

Today the repair techs came out to fix leaks in my trailer that were missed when down in their shop.  Mind you these are the same techs who Mom insulted, ridiculed, screamed at and belittled (even to the point of telling the owner that his state wide and special credentials meant absolutely nothing because he’s so dishonest and to say his mold expertise isn’t worth anything because he didn’t live in a mold infested house like she did. These kinds of comments in the past are part of what makes me think Mom has high-functioning  Narcissistic BPD). 

Anyways, Mom was POLAR opposite today- nice, kind, polite, funny, sharing her real life stories that are beyond belief; and I chimed in when I could.  By the time they left, the owner was questioning if my leaving was really the right thing to do.  He said Mom really relies on me and asked what she’s going to do without me.  It broke my heart to hear that becoming I know more than anyone else how much this is going to hurt her.

I told him that’s part of the problem; she relies on me to do or fix everything and be everything.  I told him the next time he comes she might be like she was last time- cruel and uncaring, that she’s like a bipolar in fast forward.  She doesn’t care who she hurts or how bad because I’m always here to fix it; she doesn’t appreciate my being here to help she expects it and expects me to take the abuse too. That kind of relationship is not healthy for me or her and I’ve begged her for years to get professional help for her temper and she won’t. By me physically walking away she has to start making decisions about her own conduct and learn how to respect people.  I can still help her with online orders for food and such, and there are people in the congregation willing to help if she is willing to ask for it.  This is the only way I can get through to her that i don’t like the abuse.

I just felt the need to share that; another person she’s gaslighting to see her as a feeble and helpless person. That occasional invirtió is what’s kept me in denial for so long.  It breaks my heart to leave, but I don’t see any other alternative  to let her know how serious I am.

Anyways, thanks for listening to me grumble.
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« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2019, 06:30:30 AM »

It’s been a physically and emotionally hectic couple of days.  I actually made it out this time!

After practically living in the van for the past month to avoid the BP rage, I finally left Mom on Saturday early morning, leaving a letter to explain my goodbye; I prayed for a week or more that she’d stay asleep while I finished packing and she did- I (and the animals) left without a fight.  I went to the Bible meeting on schedule but couldn’t stop crying; a friend introduced me to another friend of hers whose a clinical nurse and she said she was so sorry , that BPD is one of the worst mental illnesses out here (created more waterworks), and for the time I will be out of touch with my therapist I am welcome to call her for moral and spiritual support. I spent the morning and afternoon in the park with my friend. Then I stopped at another friend’s to pick up my new life self-care stuff and it took 2 days to pack I was just so drained.  I’ve been getting about 4h of sleep for nearly a week, and in the last 2 months I’ve had to rely on powdered superfoods because I am not eating well (I get  so physically ill whenever I eat something).

I got in touch with my estranged sister and she learned about Mom’s BPD a few years ago and brought it to the attention of therapists but hasn’t found the right one for her needs.  She’s been suffering terribly. One of her kids is also having anxiety issues and has a therapist. I give her KUDOS for not being afraid of getting her kids help as they need it.

Mom was scared and distraught; she was trying to make impulsive decisions to move in with her sister if I would come home. She tried several excuses for me to come home.  Her words did not affect me but knowing the pain behind them made it hard to not turn aroans go home. I finally texted her that I am gone and I left while she was sleeping so we wouldn’t fight before I leave, and here we are, same fight, just by text now. I told her that her impulsive decisions are affecting other people and causing many people stress. I reminded her of recent embarrassing behaviors she displayed in public and how she’s treating me and asked her what will stop her from doing that to the sister she loves.  I told her to enjoy her trailer and the mountain she chose to live on and get therapy for helping with her anger issues.

I called my aunt and we had a heart to heart; she’s in therapy for codependency and she said she would not be able to take Mom in under the present circumstances. She said she would encourage Mom to stay on the mountain though.

I got in touch with another friend whose been a spiritual support to let him know I’m not living with Mom so the Bible studies would be changing. He knew a little of what was going on (seems everyone I feel the need to talk to about this knew something, just not the extent/severity) but as we talked he put the connections together and realized he’s seen those same patterns in his estranged wife, who was abused as a very young child but was supposedly cured through therapy( he said she was normal in public but very Hyde like at home. So we talked in depth about HFNBPD and he felt like a hero for not giving up custody on his son (from his late wife) sacrificing him to a volatile woman.  I also talked to him about different ways of emotionally detaching and that he and his son (now 20 or 21) have CPTSD and suffer forms of dissociation from not being able to function well emotionally anymore and that has inadvertently affected their bond. I told him that why it’s sos nice he gave his son such a great gift of learning about God so God can look beyond and fill in the gaps of people with PTSD. He was so relieved by what he heard he stayed up  way past bedtime to talk.

This morning Mom broke down and asked me if I would teach her how to take care of something by phone, and I did.  Later she asked if I was close could I come and see her for a proper goodbye. I said I couldn’t but offered a video chat later on which she accepted.


I finished packing and said my goodbyes and headed to my nest stop on this journey. I took a break to call Mom and she was worried about how exhausted I look.  She read the letter. The elders came out and mentioned my 30 page letter to spiritually responsible individuals who are looking into matters. Mom said she had no idea what I was going through and she felt sort for all the pressure she put on me in addition, and she’s sore I felt I had to leave because of her getting angry so much.  I told her this journey may end up in a blessing. I appreciated her apology and extended my own for 50% of the blame.   I told her that I need this journey and she asked if she was the only reason I left.  I said no, just one part of it and i really just couldn’t cope with the other issues and fighting with her. I told her I’m having a lot of flashbacks and anxiety attacks and have come to realize I had them from when I was very young. She asked why and I told her that the little girl in me was traumatized and as a primal survival skill she learned to freeze and mentally go to a safe place and she had anxiety attacks in response to the trauma.  I told her I need time to take care of that little girl because she sacrificed so much over the years she has nothing left to give.  And I have to clean my conscience of wrongdoings I witnessed because those two factors are what is going to kill me if I don’t make some drastic changes.  She asked me to please not commit suicide in this and I told her about my 1 year promise to God; a trial period to combat the suicidal depression.  She said she made a similar promise a while ago. I told her I have to see this through. I told her about my plans to eventually come back and live near her, but not with her.  She thanked me for the video call and apologized again for makIng life harder for me. She said she would stay and keep working to fix the trailer and meditating with God about all the things she needs to change/fix and thanked me for working so hard to try to make the trailer livable for her. She also agreed to the  financial assistance.  I assured  her that I do love her and am not abandoning her, I’m just helping her in a different way while being physically separated from her. She felt a measure of relief and said good night and that I shouldn’t her know when I’m at my next destination.

Well here I am and can’t sleep. I made it out and the emotional rockiness is the hardest to deal with.  But I made it, and the more the physical miles, the less magnetic pull this dysfunctional illness has.

I wanted to post this for others out there who want to leave but are too afraid to follow it through.

Thanks for listening... again!
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« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2019, 10:06:21 AM »

I am admiring your courage and self respect in leaving your mom and doing it the way you did. I can't express in words how painful this has to be.Those of us who have mothers with BPD wish so much that we didn't have to do things we have to do to save our own souls and have a decent lives for ourselves. You have had the courage to do what many others haven't been able to, as you are able to clearly see what is going on which means facing the painful reality that your mom is the way she is, and you have to take care of yourself. As I sit here writing this, my wish is for things to get better between you and your mom, yet I know that it is this type of thinking that has often caused me the most pain, as I have been hurt and disappointed over and over again to see that I am the only one capable of changing and how others continue to be taken in by my mom, even some of those she has abused the most. Take care and keep us posted! There is no such thing as posting too much. I have found that posting here often, has helped me to move forward in the most difficult of times and help me deal with my feelings. Thinking of you and sad yet very much respecting your decision at the same time and know that you will contine to keep "avanzando". You have stated that you hope to help others by sharing your experience, and you are. You just won't know how many people you are helping, because as you will notice there are many lurkers who read posts and do not post themselves.
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« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2019, 12:18:06 AM »

It’s been a week since I left and I’m still pretty numb.  The first two days Mom tried everything to get me to come back and I wasn’t far enough away (packing at a friends house) to not be tempted to go home when she’s obviously hurting emotionally because of me.  I had to really remember my therapy and keep in mind that she’s emotionally in pain even when I am there. On the 3rd day I drove another 4 hours to another friend’s place and by then Mom was in tears realizing I am gone. She went polar opposite in self-blame.  When I told her who I was with (someone she mixed as friends) she was full of gratitude for them taking me in where she failed. Very difficult roller coaster for both of us.  Mom calls me every day.  If I can’t cope I don’t answer until I’m in a better frame of mind, but usually she’s pretty civil. The gaslighting and blame shifting is far less.

I’ve been in contact with my younger sister and not only is there validation (she discovered Mom’s BPD at a Book Store in 2010 bit hasn’t had enough of the right therapy to make drastically significant changes) but we’re our own support group for now. She’s had bad experiences with other abuses and has had bad experiences in support groups. I encouraged here here because it’s much more discreet and validating and can help her process at her own pace with feedback. I explained the therapists that started this and how the moderators are supposed to work.  She said support groups are a trigger for her but she will think about it. She is looking for a LCSW trained in personality disorders to have a more targeted therapy.

Tonight Mom was very distraught over my sister’s many abuses and disappointments and wished she could talk to her to let her know Mom loves her. I suggested she pray about it (I cannot/ will not let on that I have communication) and she said maybe she’ll pray for God to send an angel to let  my sister know she loves her. That is significant because Mom has not had positive sentiments towards my sister from the day she broke away from the abuse 11 years ago. I would like to know if my abusers were ever sorry for what they’ve done, and I felt my sissy had a right to know... a step forward... so I messaged the conversation to her.

It doesn’t mean Mom will ever change her ways,I am aware of that possibility,  but I do understand she’s going through a period of reflection.  I keep waiting for a universal implosion or for an anvil to drop on my head for setting these thing in motion this way  by leaving.  So far we’re both still alive... and that should have some meaning.  People who had known me a couple of years ago keep saying that I look so much better than they remember and that I look more confident. When I briefly describe the situation they say it makes sense because they could see there were problems and that they are glad I left.  I appreciate the validation but I wish people would stop saying things like that- I feel more guilty and a bit humiliated to be compared to my other self (like this twin looks better than the other one) and I feel bad for Mom when they say that they’re glad I left- it cutting on Mom and it hurts me to hear it. Yes we have serious problems, but she is my Mom and I do still love her.

I also met with my absentee fiancé.  His sister informed me that my Mom is too much like hers and that was just the validation I needed in my realizing my fiancé had similar patterns of behavior  as me. So we finally met after not seeing him for a year and a half and for him having called me out of the blue just a couple of weeks ago.  I tried to simplify things as there is a bit of a language barrier between us, but- thanks to God and a good therapist-  the message got through.  I talked to him about his mama and he said he didn’t want to go back in the past. I took the time to explain that the abuse she did to him and the other siblings, since they were babies, shanked the emotional part of their brain to never feel good enough and to feel like a piece of garbage.  For the first time he opened up and told me he feels like he always is causing problems for people and he gets so depressed he goes away so they don’t have problems anymore and he tries to never look back. He said that’s why he disappeared out of my life without a word- he felt he was causing too many problems between me and a mom and we were angry with him and he left, he also added that he couldn’t get me out of his head because I helped him learn so much and to do better with his life. I told him that it was his choice to do better not mine to do it for him, that I had the privilege of seeing many different sides of his personality and what I didn’t understand before I do now. As a baby, being taught by your mother that you’re garbage and your never good enough, the brain changes and makes you always feel like garbage. I have seen the bad sides of him but also the good and kind and caring and compassionate sides of him. I told him about the abuses I suffered as a toddler and onward and about being raped at 19 and how that little girl that was hurt so long ago is tired and doesn’t want to live anymore, but I’m trying to fix that broken little girl.  He said that he never hurt me and I acknowledged that he was right- he never hit me when he was angry and he did not rape me when he had opportunities to do so.  He said he never thought to behave that way and that he would walk away when he was angry. To me that  makes him better than a lot of men out there- so I understand that he is valuable and is worth being loved.  I also told him that I have seen the little boy that is still hurting from the things his mama said and did to him. He got very quiet. I told him that, even though he feels life is the greatest gift he ever got, that little boy is so sad he’s trying to destroy his life piece by piece. I told my fiancé that he is valuable to God, to me and to all the people that appreciate his kindness.  I told him that he needs to make the choice to stop destroying his life if he want to find that peace and happiness he talked about some time ago.  After a long pause he said that he does want to stop destroying his life and he’s going to go back to Bible studies because they helped him to make changes and he blatantly said when he gets there he wants to come and marry me for life and we can support each other in good and bad times forever and that he knows what he has to do will be hard but he doesn’t want to keep feeling like a problem all the time.  A fire destroyed his home a while ago and he never went back to it and I told him part of not destroying his life is going back to get the important papers he needs from the fireproof safe I’d broughten him.  He said the guy that has his burnt trailer opened the safe and all the documents are in good shape and he will go back just for those papers.  I told him I can’t help him through this part of his journey but I will keep praying for him to have strength, and to call me if he changes his phone number and I will call him whenever I move..  He said he understands that I cannot help him now but that he will be okay.  And he left determined to finish what he started a couple of years ago. I cried as we departed because he was such a blessing and inspiration in my life I felt alone again but glad that we were able to talk and he was encouraged not to give up.  He has much to offer the world with his kindness and generosity and I sincerely hope that he can grow in the spiritual light that was once his comfort and strength.

Now I sit alone again, at my friend’s place, hearing only the ringing in my ears and the tapping on my phone. I haven’t eaten or slept good in weeks and today I finally crashed for 3 hours.  I was working on the SWOK workbook before retiring to bed, delving into Action Step 32, when I felt the compulsion to write this week’s events. I am still confused and often dissociated but I’m still breathing, still putting one foot in front of the other and though I don’t appreciate being alive, I do acknowledge that the desire for death has lessened. I guess that’s part progress and part of the grieving process (I’m 39 and though I’ve been suicidally depressed for 20 years, I’ve never grieved before).

To anyone contemplating leaving an abusive situation, I can only say... your universe will not collapse because you changed direction- as long as you keep moving forward, even in baby steps, you will only expand your horizons and the possibilities are endless.
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« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2019, 12:53:01 AM »

Excerpt
He said that he never hurt me and I acknowledged that he was right- he never hit me when he was angry and he did not rape me when he had opportunities to do so.  He said he never thought to behave that way and that he would walk away when he was angry. To me that  makes him better than a lot of men out there

As a man and a father of a boy and a girl,  this is a low bar... but I'm not also unsympathetic to how you portray him. Still, your view might be influenced by your past, yes?
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« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2019, 01:17:21 AM »

Possibly one part of it... I do see your point... and thanks for caring for a complete stranger. I’m not used to that, so it’s appreciated.

With a language barrier it’s difficult for me to express more  details at this time but the ones I chose are a subject of great importance so that is what I used for an example. In the 3 years I’d gotten to know him, I saw many facets of his personality- many were very good qualities but I saw some self-harm, though different from mine, and by then I was an expert at gaslighting my own perceptions so I dismissed what I felt. He took very good care of Mom & me and was surprisingly generous when we least expected it. Over time the dynamics of our abuse cycle wore him out and he finally left.  We learned how to make a good team and I learned to slow down, relax, take time and finish the project I started before moving on to another. He stood up to Mom’s mood swings and unknowingly helped me to see bits of reality on how bad the abuses were.  He’s also my unknowing inspiration to seek professional help because I realized I was a mess and I didn’t want to bring that kind of baggage into a marriage.

He wants time to be in a better place emotionally and spiritually and I need time to encourage the little girl inside me to heal (a daily struggle between BP reality and normalcy). I am in no rush, and even if nothing comes of this I am content in knowing I could repay him in some way for helping me have the desire to fight the suicidal depression and takes steps necessary change my life for the better.

I should have explained that before going into the conversation we just had. I’m sorry for not elaborating.
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« Reply #19 on: October 13, 2019, 04:29:37 PM »

Turkish,

I give you a lot of credit, as a man and a father, to have a conscience of establishing  a “low bar”. Many of my male relatives have no bar when it comes to being unscrupulous and I grew up with that mentality- I absorbed the shame and guilt of many and I never tried to run or fight back.  The women learned to be tough and independent and could give back as good as they got, but not me, I was too afraid to stand up for myself.  My dad, an alcoholic, was  physically and emotionally absent throughout my life so there was no support, nowhere to go.

I wanted to be different, I wanted to do better than the drugs and alcohol and child abuses and I fought hard for it. I don’t touch drugs or alcohol and most years I was an honor roll student; partly because I couldn’t shame my family and partly because I wanted to rise above them. I even strove to learn high English and would talk above them which made a number of them pretty mad.  I joined the military early to toughen up and get a college education and be able to financially support my immediate family... all of which backfired. Even though I learned how to even kill people, I could not stand up for myself and fight back and I was still taken advantage of. Silly, huh?  Bible study, for me, has been a sense of solace in my chaotic world and I’m very imaginative and the stories came to life for me and helped me endure. Then the help of my fiancé lead me to see reality in my chaos, a blessing I will never forget.  Now, in learning about BPD and the CPTSD I finally feel I am learning to have a voice and learning to say “Stop it, stop treating me like a doormat, pin cushion and punching bag. I am not here to absorb your abuse and I’m putting an end to it here and now.”

I say all children need both parents, but they need both parents to be responsible adults. I didn’t have that and I give credit to any parent who is willing to stand up for their children and teach them and value them. That tiny mention that you are a father of a boy and girl and your fatherly advice to me at 39 touched me more than you realize.

So thank you!
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« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2019, 09:38:44 PM »

You don't know what you don't know.  

"Normal" is the world we live in, a view influenced by now we grew up, as little souls, finding out who we were and forming who we grow up to be.  

My ex's family come from a very macho culture, "cheaters and beaters" as she termed it.  I was shocked when she told me about one of her uncles, a friendly little guy,  that he once smashed a plate of food by throwing it at the wall because his wife didn't make it to his liking. Another uncle, a little guy who seemed tougher yet who was always nice to me,  had a glass eye. Lost it in a bar fight.  Then her dad,  very friendly, used to be a very violent man.  

Her little sister, now in her mid 30s, said something to someone at school who reported to CPS (Child Protective Services). When the CPS worker interviewed the family, everyone lied.  Case closed.

My ex told me this story a few times:  her dad was beating on her mom.  My ex,  a teenager, picked up a sharp kitchen implement like a bbq fork, and was going to go after her dad.  Her mom saw and yelled,  "[Name] Don't!" No wonder my ex was so angry.  

The last family drama I experienced was when her dad was caught in yet another affair when our babies were 2 and 1, around Christmas time.  All of the kids wanted their mom to finally leave their dad but she didn't. These things aren't normal, but it's the reality for the kids, and all of them have emotional wounds from that to varying degrees.  

To me,  it's a very low bar not to expose one's children to such drama; it's incomprehensible to me because it hurts others.  It's not only the opposite of love, it's the enemy of love.  

I'm glad that you are here sharing with us and that you are also in Bible study.  You are protecting yourself, but also showing love to your fiancee by encouraging him to seek his own healing and demonstrating grace.

T.

p.s. your English writing is great, I wouldn't even know if you hadn't said it
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« Reply #21 on: October 13, 2019, 10:45:59 PM »

Thank you Turkish for the insight. It is truly sad when a child has to miss out on childhood because the adults won’t be adults. “Cheaters and beaters” is all to accurate a description; though I’ve been told many times that I lived a sheltered life.

For me, learning high English was to pull out of poverty and the dysfunction (it worked in theory). I recall one time, at a holiday get together, my mom and an aunt fist fighting in the dining room.  They knocked into and tipped my sister’s high chair (I’m not even sure if she was a year old yet) and I thought they would stop fighting to save her but they didn’t. I was hiding in the kitchen (11 or 12 years old) and, as afraid as I was, I ran through them, dodging the swings, swooped my sister out of the high-chair and belined for the big bathroom (I hated that bathroom with a passion but I had to swallow my fear), slammed the door and locked it. I cradled my sister in my arms, hiding between the toilet and sink and just rocked her, telling her everything was going to be ok.  It was dead silent for about 20 minutes before I had the courage to come out. No one came to get us or to assist us it was safe now.  In all the years that have passed I never called CPS or the police or anything; I never thought to; I thought abuse was black and blue with broken bones and death threats.  Now that I’m in therapy I’m rekindling those high-words through “word genius”. Silly I know, but it’s part of the drive to do better, to be a better person. The nicest one of my mom’s siblings is the child molester, if that’s any indication of how normal we were (thus my hatred of bathrooms and private rooms). No one ever called the police on him either. I still have basic and cordial contact with him.

In behalf of my mom’s uNBPD, she was 2 years old hiding under a bed watching her step-dad break her mother’s jaw, and that was the first time she felt raw fear... and that was just the beginning of over a decade of violent abuse. Generation after generation my family has been like this.

Anyways, the language barrier I mentioned is that my [fiancé of sorts] is an asylee from Central America, a “macho” culture... and he was proud to respect people and not think of being physically violent or otherwise when he was being treated badly.  He knows how to fight but he would rather leave than enter a confrontation.  All the high English I spoke went out the window as I learned to communicate with him- basic and to the point worked best; it was a real challenge for me. I failed Spanish class in school too (years ago) but with his patient help   I can speak it enough to be understood. I did see  patterns of his being self destructive but I didn’t know how to label or understand it so I absorbed the ‘abandonment periods’ as being my fault. Now with therapy I have words and descriptions of what is going on in my not-so-normal world and I sometimes can see it in hindsight in his.  When his sister told me about the violence in their large family it all came together.  He can’t get therapy so I simplified what I’d learned to talk to him and he opened up. I always felt he had something hidden in his past but I didn’t know how to make him feel safe enough to talk about it. Now I understand that too... and he did finally start to open up. His sister revealed the secret and now I know their Mom has BPD traits... common ground in spite of the cultural differences.  I told him in time I can tell him the things I’m learning but right now I’m too confused. The little girl inside me is hurting too much and I need to take care of her first. But I wanted him to understand, without a doubt, that he is not the trash his Mom made him feel like as a boy and that it’s ok for him to take steps for a better life, to heal that little boy and don’t let the pain stop him from living.

To this day I do not understand what makes adults think it’s okay to soil or destroy a child’s soul, to rob them of their innocence and childhood. Though the Bible helps logically with those answers, the pain is still raw and fresh and processing through memories and secrets are emotional and very triggering and are bringing more memories and more pain; it gets overwhelming. Shame on the adults who break us before we have a chance to appreciate life!

PS Bible study, prayer and an ever growing friendship with God for the past 20 years has been my only solace in the chaos and the only balanced example in my life. Now that I’m in therapy, I am relying in faith to get through this nightmare that’s replaying the reality of my life inside my head.

Thank you for being a man to ‘raise the bar’.
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Wolves; a good reminder that we all need support!


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« Reply #22 on: October 24, 2019, 09:50:09 PM »

I made it to my destination last night. I’m 2 weeks later than scheduled but have enjoyed the spiritual journey.  Every mile further from Mom is excruciatingly painful (I feel awful for leaving Mom and she lays on the guilt) but relieving/liberating at the same time to not be walking on eggshells 24/7/365.

It’s still very difficult talking to mom by phone but I am able to have a say in how I’m treated; sometimes she’s very civil, sometimes over self-punishing, sometimes still trying to project her feelings on to me or control my decisions (the latter is when I am learning to tell her I lover her but need to hang up and will talk to her later.) She’s demanding I buy a trailer with money I don’t have and move back up the mountain close to her; I’ve set that boundary in my letter and I keep reminding her of those limitations.

A friend told me today (by phone) that this is the first trip I’d taken where I was not tremendously stressed out and anxious; he said I actually sounded more relaxed and confident for the first time. He notices the difference being that Mom is not with me. He encouraged me to not return to mom’s area for a long time and concentrate on healing; he’s afraid for me to be near that environment again (he can relate but through a different BP that entered the picture in his adult life). I assured him I cannot afford to go back even if it was an emergency.

My sister mentioned that I was such a nervous driver all my life because of mom yelling at me for every little move I would make that was different from how she would drive. That validated what my friend said about my being relaxed and more confident in this trip.

I’m keeping in touch with my therapist on my journey, but won’t have therapy until she’s licensed in this state. I appreciate her doing this because 1) it was too hard to find a therapist that understood me and 2) I don’t have the mental energy to start all over again.  I am still working through the SWOK workbook and I have a support team so I’m hoping to keep progressing though I feel it would be a bit slower. Maybe slower is a good thing for a little while. I’m pretty wiped out right now in every sense of the word.
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« Reply #23 on: October 24, 2019, 10:28:59 PM »

I think it's great that you have started on your journey, and I'm happy that your anxiety has lowered. You will see yourself grow and become stronger as you further loosen the hold that has been on your life. You will begin to enjoy life and value your own worth. I have seen it in my kids as their mothers hold has loosened.

I wish you peace and happiness Avanzando.

LT.
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« Reply #24 on: October 24, 2019, 10:56:44 PM »

It must feel good to feel freer to be yourself and that's great validation that you received!
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« Reply #25 on: October 25, 2019, 11:06:16 AM »

Long term,

I don’t feel stronger, per say. I’m still waiting for the other anvil (rather than shoe) to drop for me leaving Mom to fend for herself. Others notice it and I keep notes for future reference.

I don’t have kids (a blessing in hindsight), but I am hoping to see positive changes in my dogs and cat. One place we stayed they really let loose until the lady’s grandchild made a point to exasperate them. The glimpse of their relaxation was hopeful. I had a few episodes of anxiety and chaos but it wasn’t fueled and I was allowed time to let them pass, which I appreciated.

My sister and I still communicate and it’s amazing how we remember the same thing but with entirely different perspectives... the details that were lost to me are important to her and Visa versa. It’s helping us both have a more complete picture of how imbalanced we were raised. It’s amazing what triggers we share in common and which developed independently. I’m grateful for the validation because outsiders didn’t live it and it makes me question where the truth lies.  My sister and I share the memories and after-effects of the trauma. 

We just talked about how both our dads have projected their feelings toward Mom onto us kids and the subject of manipulation came up. I told my sister that being children of a BP we did learn how to manipulate, to protect mom.  Mom taught us to hate lies and to never lie (honesty to a fault in my case) yet I’ve been carrying the shame of some of the biggest lies of all! And there are times I remember being in an emotional pickle with other’s moods and catching myself manipulating  my way out of the situation. She was offended that her dad called her a big manipulator, but from that perspective she agreed there was a measure of it and that she tries to be honest and forthright and hold back her thoughts, unlike the way she acted out as a kid (scapegoat child). She’s still actively seeking a LCSW for behavioral therapy.

She has 3 kids, 2 with autism, of the two the younger has genetic flaws that leave him severely disabled but with a continued zest for life.  I’m hoping in time I can be functional enough to be a loving and balanced Auntie to all of them.

The day after I arrived I was bombarded with a blizzard. I left the north originally to get out of the cold temperatures; my basil temperature runs too cold as is and I don’t retain heat well anymore- not for 15-20 years now. Fortunately, I am in a park that has electric and I have a heater. So I took the pack for brief excursions into the bitter cold, came back, tucked everyone in, and turned on the heater- the van holds the heat nicely. I was still bone cold but I spent the non active time sleeping as if I was comatose.  That doesn’t happen often and I appreciated the rest. Today is still bitter cold, but I’m not anxious to get the day started so we’re held up a little longer in the van. Later I will set up my camp kitchen and get to work cutting and freezing organic vegetables I found on my journey. And they have public showers here which is a mixed blessing (TMI: I hate bathrooms, including  public bathrooms, so I’m trying to view this as therapy- confronting the fears from my primal years). I have a dog that bluffs well, a super loud whistle and mace.  If I can get past the mental shut-down... I’m all set for self defense if I need it.

Turkish,

I have no clue how to feel right now. I’m so used to becoming what’s required for each situation, but in reality I am pretty numb. I know I had to leave for the sake of my own sanity, but tortured to leave Mom behind. I appreciate I made it safe, but I’m not yet happy. I’m not particularly sad either. Definitely not angry right now. Maybe I need to sleep on it some more! 

I do know I am scared of finding out what my identity is going to be... like an animal raised in the circus or zoo whose being released into the wild for the first time.  Will I survive out here? I know how to perform for crowds, and what to expect from my master, but what do I do when there’s nothing to perform for anymore?  I’m fighting for my life but without a safety net or plan B. I guess the unknowns that lie ahead will test the integrity of my faith. I think that’s why my therapist wanted me to build a support team too... to help keep me going with reality checks. And I have my animals that keep me from being too isolated and they are quite entertaining and are energy sensitive and can be a gauge / reality check of what moods I’m in.

Thank you for the supportive words just the same.
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« Reply #26 on: October 25, 2019, 10:21:45 PM »

Excerpt
I have no clue how to feel right now. I’m so used to becoming what’s required for each situation, but in reality I am pretty numb. I know I had to leave for the sake of my own sanity, but tortured to leave Mom behind. I appreciate I made it safe, but I’m not yet happy. I’m not particularly sad either. Definitely not angry right now. Maybe I need to sleep on it some more!
  It took me many months to get used to my new reality after I moved out.  I was numb and shut down for a while so what you describe here sounds familiar.  It gets better.  Definitely rest and just give yourself time.  Breathe.  I say that to people a lot but seriously, if you are like me, when you are numb or even stressed, you don't breathe deeply.  Lack of oxygen... well, it makes the numbness worse never mind making it hard to think and otherwise function.

A, I swear it gets better and your mind and heart will be clear.  It just takes time. 

Excerpt
I do know I am scared of finding out what my identity is going to be... like an animal raised in the circus or zoo whose being released into the wild for the first time.  Will I survive out here?

It is scary isn't it?  Yet it is an adventure too.  Discovering the real you without the distortions of others to make you all hazy. 

Thanks for checking in with us and letting us know how things are going. 
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« Reply #27 on: October 27, 2019, 11:29:54 PM »

Staff only

This thread reached the max post limit and has been locked and split.  The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340411.msg13083863#msg13083863

Thank you.
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