Need help : How can I get an answer from a ex bpd partner?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everybody,

First, I would like to apologize for my English but I'm French speaker.
Then, I want to say thank you to everyone on this website because I got many answers.
But I'm still in the fog.
I will tell my story in a short way.

I've met this woman, crush when I lay my eyes on her.
We spend a fabulous week together, with many words and many feelings and stuff like this.
After one week, she started to cancelled our meetings (6 in total) and I accepted because I was patient. But still in contact (video call, messages,...).
2 weeks later, I felt her distant. I asked her if she's ok and she started to tell me she's freeky for many people, that the other guys didn't want accept her way of life,... Well, but she never told me that she's BPD. She just gave me some clues. That's it.
But during 1 month (without meet her anymore), we just exchanged some messages. She never wanted to call me anymore. And 10 days before the incident, she told me she will come back from somewhere with answers for me.
During these 10 days, I continue to tell her how much I miss her, and how much I have feelings for her.

At the end, I asked her to make a choice:
-  she call me just to have a brief conversation (not to tell me what's happen),
- or we cut the line.

She blamed me and she told me that she can not be with someone like this, so pushy, someone whom can't respect her boundaries, etc...

Well, I was upset but she didn't respect my boundaries and I told her how she disrespected me during 1 month.
Her answer for that was : You disrespected yourself.

After that, I cut the line during 1 week. After 1 week, I ask her how does she feel. Then, she ghosted me (whatsapp, instagram,etc).
Ok, I had to accept that but the same week, I was telling my story to my friend (he's psychiatrist), and he asked me to read the messages and to explain all the story.
He said that she's maybe  BPD. Runaway. Don't follow her. Just runaway.

I sent her a message (from my other number) to tell her that I know she's maybe borderline and now I understand everything and I apologized, and she read the message and kept me all day long. The following morning, I was block again on whatsapp and imessage (it's important to understand where I want to go).

One week later, I send her an email (it was funny for me to receive the email address from a girl after 2 days dating her, and she said "in case" if you loose my number).
I supposed, after reading many papers on BPD, it was calculated (like the fake instagram profil invitation one week after meeting her, and I delete from my followers but this profile continued to read my stories. Was funny).
Well, the email. This email to explain again my feelings and that I want to take care of her and if from the beginning I had to make a choice for her illness, I would say yes, I follow you.
After that, she unlocked me on imessage. She receive again my messages. My encouragement, and everyday during 2 weeks, she read my messages but without answers.
So now, what's happen? I don't know if I can expect something from her again.
I told her in one of my last message that I cannot continue sending messages like this and I need to move on.
But I miss her, so 4 days later I sent her again another message to tell her that my door is still open if she wants to share.

My questions :
- Did I make wrong?
- What does it mean reading messages but never answer?
- Her feelings for me were true?
- What can I expect now?
- Does she will come back?
I need some answers, I still miss her but I know that maybe I need to heel and to move on maybe.

And I want just to add how is important for me. I have no difficulty to be with someone. But after dating during 4 years, I stopped because I wanted to find the right one. And I know that's crazy, but I felt in love from the first sight (I think in english we say like that). So it's very important for me to understand and see if I can do something to make it work again.

Thank you for your answers and support.

[Anonym2806]

Hi everybody,

First, I would like to apologize for my English but I'm French speaker.
Then, I want to say thank you to everyone on this website because I got many answers.
But I'm still in the fog.
I will tell my story in a short way.

I've met this woman, crush when I lay my eyes on her.
We spend a fabulous week together, with many words and many feelings and stuff like this.
After one week, she started to cancelled our meetings (6 in total) and I accepted because I was patient. But still in contact (video call, messages,...).
2 weeks later, I felt her distant. I asked her if she's ok and she started to tell me she's freeky for many people, that the other guys didn't want accept her way of life,... Well, but she never told me that she's BPD. She just gave me some clues. That's it.
But during 1 month (without meet her anymore), we just exchanged some messages. She never wanted to call me anymore. And 10 days before the incident, she told me she will come back from somewhere with answers for me.
During these 10 days, I continue to tell her how much I miss her, and how much I have feelings for her.

At the end, I asked her to make a choice:
-  she call me just to have a brief conversation (not to tell me what's happen),
- or we cut the line.

She blamed me and she told me that she can not be with someone like this, so pushy, someone whom can't respect her boundaries, etc...

Well, I was upset but she didn't respect my boundaries and I told her how she disrespected me during 1 month.
Her answer for that was : You disrespected yourself.

After that, I cut the line during 1 week. After 1 week, I ask her how does she feel. Then, she ghosted me (whatsapp, instagram,etc).
Ok, I had to accept that but the same week, I was telling my story to my friend (he's psychiatrist), and he asked me to read the messages and to explain all the story.
He said that she's maybe  BPD. Runaway. Don't follow her. Just runaway.

I sent her a message (from my other number) to tell her that I know she's maybe borderline and now I understand everything and I apologized, and she read the message and kept me all day long. The following morning, I was block again on whatsapp and imessage (it's important to understand where I want to go).

One week later, I send her an email (it was funny for me to receive the email address from a girl after 2 days dating her, and she said "in case" if you loose my number).
I supposed, after reading many papers on BPD, it was calculated (like the fake instagram profil invitation one week after meeting her, and I delete from my followers but this profile continued to read my stories. Was funny).
Well, the email. This email to explain again my feelings and that I want to take care of her and if from the beginning I had to make a choice for her illness, I would say yes, I follow you.
After that, she unlocked me on imessage. She receive again my messages. My encouragement, and everyday during 2 weeks, she read my messages but without answers.
So now, what's happen? I don't know if I can expect something from her again.
I told her in one of my last message that I cannot continue sending messages like this and I need to move on.
But I miss her, so 4 days later I sent her again another message to tell her that my door is still open if she wants to share.

My questions :
- Did I make wrong?
- What does it mean reading messages but never answer?
- Her feelings for me were true?
- What can I expect now?
- Does she will come back?
I need some answers, I still miss her but I know that maybe I need to heel and to move on maybe.

And I want just to add how is important for me. I have no difficulty to be with someone. But after dating during 4 years, I stopped because I wanted to find the right one. And I know that's crazy, but I felt in love from the first sight (I think in english we say like that). So it's very important for me to understand and see if I can do something to make it work again.

Thank you for your answers and support.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi and welcome, Anonym2806!

It's very difficult and painful when we get cut off by (or from) someone we care about. The scenario you describe is pretty common with BPD, actually.

It sounds like there have been some mixed signals from her and that you've been putting a lot of effort into keeping the connection. Were her feelings real? They may well have been.

We have an article here that might help you:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

She hasn't responded to your reaching out and that actually says a lot. She also said she felt you were too pushy. Do you think your continued reaching out to her is likely to be well-received? Or do you think it might push her farther away?

There's no way to know if you'll hear from her again. But your best option, either way, is to focus on yourself. Step back. If she wants a relationship, she'll respond and reach out. And your stepping away shows respect for her and for her request. If she doesn't want a relationship, there's nothing you can do about that. But if you're focusing on your health and needs, you'll be prepared either way.

Does that make sense?

[Anonym2806]

Hi Ozzie,

Thank you for your post.

She hasn't responded to your reaching out and that actually says a lot. She also said she felt you were too pushy. Do you think your continued reaching out to her is likely to be well-received? Or do you think it might push her farther away?

I don't have the answer but I know after my email, she unlocked my number on imessage only and she continued after that to read my messages but without answers.
Well, I'm focused on myself and today it's 4 days without any contacts.
But all my messages were to comfort her, that my door is open if she wants to speak.
But the think is she never told me she's BPD and that's unfair from her.
Because if I knew, I would react differently.

Thank you.

[Ozzie101]

Of course you would have reacted differently if you knew. I would have, too, if I had known from the get-go that my husband had a personality disorder (suspected -- there's no diagnosis). Unfortunately, mental health issues are things that aren't generally shared, especially early on. People tend to be very defensive or feel a real sense of shame about that, even though it's nothing to be ashamed of, really.

From your story, though, I'm not clear. It sounds like after you wrote her saying you know she may be borderline, she hasn't responded. Do you know if she has a diagnosis or if she might actually believe she could be? It sounds like what she hinted around at was kind of vague.

[Anonym2806]

From your story, though, I'm not clear. It sounds like after you wrote her saying you know she may be borderline, she hasn't responded. Do you know if she has a diagnosis or if she might actually believe she could be? It sounds like what she hinted around at was kind of vague.


She gave me some clues during our relationship. I didn't understand but only my friend (Psychiatrist) understood. Then, when I sent her the message that I know now what's happen, she read the message and waited 1 day to ghost me again my other phone. It's finally after my email, where I told her my feelings and how I want to take care of her, even she has this illness, she unlocked then my phone. Only imessage (that's why I can see when she read my messages). Well, it gave me some hope. I feel like she's fighting for the moment. I don't know why but it's like we are connected.

[Ozzie101]

She may need some time and space to process things. While your friend may say she has BPD, you don't in fact know. Diagnosis is a very difficult thing (many people here have loved ones who have never been diagnosed, despite seeing therapists for years) so while your friend has expertise in this area, if he's never met her, he can't diagnose her. Likewise, from the sounds of things, she's never admitted to you that she has a diagnosis so she may not have even been aware she had the disorder despite the hints she dropped about something being "different" about her. (Please correct me if I'm wrong.)

Whether she has been diagnosed or was even aware that she may have BPD, being called out on it is very likely to trigger feelings of shame and fear and cause her to retreat. I'm sure you meant it well, but I'm not sure bringing up BPD was the way to go. We generally advise people NOT to tell loved ones about their suspicions because it rarely goes well.

Regardless, you've kept the lines of communication open. It might be best to step back for a bit. You've made it clear how you feel and that you support her. Give her time and space to process. She has your contact information and can reach out to you. In the meantime, you can focus on yourself and moving forward on whatever path it ends up being.

[once removed]

hi Anonym2906,

i think that the advice Ozzie101 has given you is dead on.

She blamed me and she told me that she can not be with someone like this, so pushy, someone whom can't respect her boundaries, etc...

as hard as it is to hear, this message is loud and clear.

she is telling you not to chase, not to over pursue.

the fact that she unblocked you is not a bad thing, but its really important not to read into it as an invitation to continue to contact her; lots of us have made that mistake. if someone isnt answering us, it means they arent prepared to talk, and its a sign to back off and give them space.

After one week, she started to cancelled our meetings (6 in total) and I accepted because I was patient. But still in contact (video call, messages,...).
2 weeks later, I felt her distant.

what happened during those weeks? why do you think she might have become distant?

[Anonym2806]

hi Anonym2906,

i think that the advice Ozzie101 has given you is dead on.

as hard as it is to hear, this message is loud and clear.

she is telling you not to chase, not to over pursue.

the fact that she unblocked you is not a bad thing, but its really important not to read into it as an invitation to continue to contact her; lots of us have made that mistake. if someone isnt answering us, it means they arent prepared to talk, and its a sign to back off and give them space.

what happened during those weeks? why do you think she might have become distant?

Hi,

Thank you for your advices.
Well, after our week, she wanted to talk. She told me about the father of her child. The situation was complexe but it was over 3 years ago.
I told her that I'm not the guy whom break up family and she has to think and she should be sure to tell to her ex husband for us. Because she wanted to tell him.
I told her maybe we have to wait. We have to take our time.  But I told her also I was sure about my feelings to her.
Well, the day after she became distant, and she told me that she spoke to her ex. She wouldn't talk more about this.
2 days later, she was normal on the phone but she cancelled our meeting of the same day.

I don't know if it's something but last week, she posted 2 stories on Instagram (I had a look by a website).

- First, about people wanted to be loved but only "Tom" who doesn't give a sh**t.
- Second, the day after, about something that we joked about it. With her own comment : "I know you do this".
I feel like she knows I look her Instagram. Or maybe it's a coincidence.
As I told her in my last message, I didn't know what's happen for her and if I knew from the beginning, I would react differently with her. Because during many days, I thought she was playing with me. I told her after she cancelled the second meeting : "Don't play with me please"
I feel deeply inside of me she's fighting against her demons and maybe I'm wrong, but she still feels something for me.
But I go for NC now. I have no choice and I continue my life.

[once removed]

it sounds like her prior relationship wasnt completely resolved.

hes the father of her child. there may still be some attachment, or some pain there. its the sort of thing that can really challenge any new relationship.

it sounds like she wasnt generally positive to how you responded. she may have felt that you pushed a bit, and she backed off. pushing harder would have pushed her away.

all of this is hard. i understand that whats done is done and youd do it differently if you could. its important though, going forward, to get an understanding of how things broke down, if you want to try to repair them.

[Anonym2806]

it sounds like her prior relationship wasnt completely resolved.

hes the father of her child. there may still be some attachment, or some pain there. its the sort of thing that can really challenge any new relationship.

it sounds like she wasnt generally positive to how you responded. she may have felt that you pushed a bit, and she backed off. pushing harder would have pushed her away.

all of this is hard. i understand that whats done is done and youd do it differently if you could. its important though, going forward, to get an understanding of how things broke down, if you want to try to repair them.

Hi,

Thank you for your reply.
I think she told me the truth about her ex. I'm ok with that.
It's something else. I don't know what.
Today I felt surprise by something and I have a question about that.
This morning, I received on instagram, a follower request from a famous place.
I'm not famous, I never go to that place and I was surprise about this. No reason to receive that kind of request because I'm not active on this social media.
And, the same liked 2 pictures and one of them is the place where I've met her. Well, maybe strange or not.
But the thing is, last week, in a message, I told her that I will be somewhere this week-end and near the place I referred to previously the week-end after. And, she lives there.
Is this a coincidence or does she do everything to bring me there next week-end?
You have to know that she's very influential woman and she knows a lot of people.
My question is : Can they build something like this to see a person and make it as a coincidence or Do I loose my mind?

[Ozzie101]

I think it's important to not read too much into things. Could she be setting up an elaborate scheme to see you? It's possible. But is it very likely? No, I don't think so. Even if she is, that would be manipulation and not a healthy method -- which would be open, honest communication. My advice would be to not think too much about it. Go ahead with whatever plans you have and give her the space she asked you for. Take her at her word, not what you think her word might be. That's the safest, best, healthiest road to take.

[Anonym2806]

I think it's important to not read too much into things. Could she be setting up an elaborate scheme to see you? It's possible. But is it very likely? No, I don't think so. Even if she is, that would be manipulation and not a healthy method -- which would be open, honest communication. My advice would be to not think too much about it. Go ahead with whatever plans you have and give her the space she asked you for. Take her at her word, not what you think her word might be. That's the safest, best, healthiest road to take.

Hello Ozzie,

Even it's difficult, I accept to not communicate anymore with her.
I know she continues to follow me on social media but decided to  never send her a message.
Only if she decides to talk to me again.
I give me time, I need it. Time to travel and focus on myself.
That means I decide also to not dating for a while (don't want and need that for the moment).
She knows my door is still open.
Let's see.

Thank you for your support and I let you know of any change.

[Ozzie101]

That sounds like a good plan, Anonym2806! 

[Anonym2806]

thank you for your many advices.
I need to share privately if it’s ok for you?
9 days I didn’t send a message to her.
40 days since our last exchange.
I never in my life had been felt in love to someone.
I’m still lost.
No one can understand what I feel and I cannot speak anymore to people because they think I’m crazy.
I’m 35 years old, 2 children, divorced since 4 years now, successful business and I’m alone in my life.
It’s a choice. Until her. I’ve met her, 30 min. And the day after, I’ve made new plans in my life, with her.
Sounds crazy but it’s the reality.

I will travel this week-end. To the city where she lives. I just hope she will contact me. She knows I will be there for the week-end.
How generally woman with bpd can react ? In that story, the only thing that I’ve made wrong was to ask her to choose between talking to me or cut the line. Just because I didn’t know she has bpd. And I told her I’ve made wrong and I apologized.
Maybe I shown her too much feelings and she’s not more interesting to me?

[Ozzie101]

It sounds like you've really done all you can do. She knows you'll be in town. She knows how to reach you. There's no way to know if she will contact you or not but that's entirely up to her.

The best thing to do is what you've already talked about doing: Go on with your life. Make your own plans for the weekend (without her) and follow through. Enjoy yourself. She's made it pretty clear that she wants and needs space and there may be unresolved feelings with the father of her child. Give her what she asks for and focus on living the best life you can. If she wants to join in, fine. If she doesn't, you'll be stronger and healthier moving ahead.

[Anonym2806]

Thank you Ozzie.

The most difficult is to stay without answer I think.
She could just tell me : « it’s finish » or « wha I felt for you was wrong » or something else. Something that can help me to move on easily. It’s just because she’s still processing something ?
This morning was awful, thinking about her, Like we think about drugs.
Very tough.

[Anonym2806]

10 days and I would die just to drop her a message. 40 days I didn't hear from her.

[Ozzie101]

The thing is, you can't count on her to give you what you want or need -- in this case, either an invitation to try again or complete closure.

Unfortunately, sometimes in relationships (whether there's a personality disorder involved or not), there is no closure. It's been 40 days since she last responded. As I said before, her non-response says a lot.

You've done all you can do. Whether or not she contacts you is completely up to her. By spending so much time and energy thinking about something you can't control, you're not helping yourself at all and it's not going to have any kind of impact on her. The best thing you can do is continue working to move on. Find a hobby. Spend time with friends or family. Journal about your feelings. Speak to a therapist if you can or want to.

[Anonym2806]

Hi Ozzie,

Totally right. I needed this closure.
That’s why today I sent her a first message. Just to let her know that I was thinking about her.
Read and nothing.
So I decided to put a closure on it.
I told her that means a lot now and I can move on.
I wished her all the best but not for me in that way. (from the beginning).
Well, it was a tough experience but loving a ghost is not for me.
Maybe she has bpd but it’s not a reason to disrespect people.
From the beginning. And it’s not love finally.
Because when we love, there is a minimum of respect.
I hope I will never back here and wish you all the best.

Thank you.

[once removed]

I hope I will never back here and wish you all the best.

why leave your support group?

im nearly nine years out of my relationship now. i still come here.

i come here, partially to pay forward the support that was given to me, but also to keep learning about myself and how to navigate a difficult world.

youre going to experience a lot of this again. it makes sense to explore what went wrong, and what you want to learn going forward.

[Anonym2806]

why leave your support group?

im nearly nine years out of my relationship now. i still come here.

i come here, partially to pay forward the support that was given to me, but also to keep learning about myself and how to navigate a difficult world.

youre going to experience a lot of this again. it makes sense to explore what went wrong, and what you want to learn going forward.

Hi Once,

You are totally right. I need maybe a moment to accept now.
If I can bring something with my short experience, I will do it.

Have a nice day.

[Anonym2806]

It’s heartbreaking.
My last message is a mistake. 2 days later I text her to say that even I’m not her boyfriend anymore, she can call me if she needs to speak. I’m always available for her.
Did I make wrong?
I should stop message her but I cannot. It’s very tough.
This weekend I tried to date 2 times. After 1 hour I left and I spent the rest of the evening crying.
I love her, that’s not possible. There is no other way.
And she lied to me when she said that she will move.
I was in that city last weekend where I hoped to meet her and finally, she shown on instagram (she didn’t post during a few weeks) that she’s still in where we’ve met. She never moved.
Someone can help me to understand please ?

[Ozzie101]

I know this is hard and I'm sorry. But that is good that you tried going out on dates. With time, it will get easier.

The truth is, though, you may never really understand or know what she's thinking and feeling. It's difficult, but it's something you'll probably need to come to terms with.

But she's making it very clear that she doesn't want to be in touch. The best thing you can do (especially for yourself) is to stop reaching out. Resist the urge.

There is hope beyond this. You can get through it and find happiness. But it's going to take time to heal. Focusing on yourself -- on why you were drawn to this relationship in the first place and why you're having so much trouble letting go -- is a good start. Have you considered seeing a therapist? That can be very helpful.

[Anonym2806]

I know this is hard and I'm sorry. But that is good that you tried going out on dates. With time, it will get easier.

The truth is, though, you may never really understand or know what she's thinking and feeling. It's difficult, but it's something you'll probably need to come to terms with.

But she's making it very clear that she doesn't want to be in touch. The best thing you can do (especially for yourself) is to stop reaching out. Resist the urge.

There is hope beyond this. You can get through it and find happiness. But it's going to take time to heal. Focusing on yourself -- on why you were drawn to this relationship in the first place and why you're having so much trouble letting go -- is a good start. Have you considered seeing a therapist? That can be very helpful.

Hi Ozzie,

I know but I think she reacted on my message on Wednesday.
Today I sent her this message : "And some promises cannot never be breakup"
Her react : Post on insta where she says : "Consistency is harder when no one is clapping for you. You must clap for yourself during those times, you should always be your biggest fan". What should I understand here? She always communicated like this by the past. Even we were together.
I sent her another message where I told her how much I like her and my last message where I said this silence means maybe that I can date someone else has no sens because of what is in my head and heart.

[Ozzie101]

It's usually not a good idea to try to read hidden meaning and messages in what someone else says or does. Even if they usually communicate this way.

For one thing, it's not a healthy, mature way to communicate and it's not something to be encouraged.

For another, it's VERY likely you will misinterpret.

And you can easily get caught up and waste a lot of time trying to read into things when, sometimes, there's really no hidden meaning.

The best thing you can do is just take things at face value.

[Anonym2806]

It's usually not a good idea to try to read hidden meaning and messages in what someone else says or does. Even if they usually communicate this way.

For one thing, it's not a healthy, mature way to communicate and it's not something to be encouraged.

For another, it's VERY likely you will misinterpret.

And you can easily get caught up and waste a lot of time trying to read into things when, sometimes, there's really no hidden meaning.

The best thing you can do is just take things at face value.

I understand but that was my question if it’s common to communicate not directly.
Today, she finally not read my messages. In a way, I’m happy because the situation is moving. For worst or for better, I don’t know. I will let her a few weeks to think about it now.
I will not interpret something. The only think that I let her know, it’s I’m still here for her and she’s still the one.

Thanks Ozzie

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been split and locked.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340281.0

Thank you.