The unsent letter

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I composed an unsent letter to clarify my feelings for my uBPD H:

Dear uBPD H:

You are away visiting your adult children and grandchildren.  You are supremely happy in their presence because, to you, they are an extension of yourself and can do no wrong.

We married when they were all still young.  Your uNPD X W had custody of them, and they visited you on her terms. When they arrived, I ceased to exist to you. I know what your XW did to you when she left to marry her lover and took the children, and I know how much you missed them, but it was hard for me to understand how I simply disappeared to you.  You only became aware of me when it was time to baby sit the children or when I was cooking meals, or when you wanted to blast me for the house not being clean to your exacting needs, or you needed some physical intimacy; BPD men see s*x as a self soothing activity.  (Little children are not even aware of a spotless house, and them make messes anyway.)

For years, not really knowing what was going on in the marriage, and coming from a childhood with a uBPD parent, I kept on waiting for the time when I would be treated like a wife who was cherished and special and not just an income source and punching bag.  Covert incest at its worst.

But no. It was all about your children.  In their presence, I ceased to exist.  You refused to stand beside me as your wife and took their side without hesitation in disagreements.  As they grew, they tried to get you to divorce me.  They demanded expensive gifts and money. They learned that emotionally blackmailing you would get them anything they wanted.  They knew you were a spineless pushover.  I was so embarrassed for you to see your adolescent children play you like a fiddle.  In the meantime, I got served the crumbs of leftovers from your children emotionally and in your gifts to me.  Encouraged by your mistreatment of me, they also attempted to mistreat me; I did not let them.

All of your children have less than sterling lives as adults.  They are all near thirty now and themselves in the BPD and NPD spectrum: alcoholism, homelessness, drug addiction, expulsion from the military, suicide attempts, cruelty to coworkers and perpetrating of workplace bullying.  What an amazing bunch.

And now you are clear across the state in a rented cabin enjoying the company of one of your Ds and her children and H, and his parents.  I am out of sight and out of mind.

And yet you called me after midnight, drunk, to chat and then run me over the coals for my depression (can you blame me?) and the state of my business reorganization.  I get it:  you are nearing retirement and anxious because of the poverty you were raised in, but don’t turn me into your punching bag.  I am sure the rest of the cabin guests heard every word you said to me.  Thanks a lot.

I no longer respect you as a husband or a man.

I would much rather have you ignore me than call me when you are drunk.  You were loud and critical of me.  Your uNPD D and her H certainly heard this, as his parents.

I find I am outgrowing you, H.  I love you but we have very little in common now.  I now know I no longer want to be codependent and abused by a person with BPD.  

I once loved you and you were the centre of my world.  Now I only see you for the child that you are.  I fell in love with the image you love bombed me with and I fell for it like a fish going for a baited hook.  In time, I learned to free myself from the masochistic dance I let myself participate in.

Congratulations.  You just lost the love of your wife.

Sincerely, AW  

[AskingWhy]

I composed an unsent letter to clarify my feelings for my uBPD H:

Dear uBPD H:

You are away visiting your adult children and grandchildren.  You are supremely happy in their presence because, to you, they are an extension of yourself and can do no wrong.

We married when they were all still young.  Your uNPD X W had custody of them, and they visited you on her terms. When they arrived, I ceased to exist to you. I know what your XW did to you when she left to marry her lover and took the children, and I know how much you missed them, but it was hard for me to understand how I simply disappeared to you.  You only became aware of me when it was time to baby sit the children or when I was cooking meals, or when you wanted to blast me for the house not being clean to your exacting needs, or you needed some physical intimacy; BPD men see s*x as a self soothing activity.  (Little children are not even aware of a spotless house, and them make messes anyway.)

For years, not really knowing what was going on in the marriage, and coming from a childhood with a uBPD parent, I kept on waiting for the time when I would be treated like a wife who was cherished and special and not just an income source and punching bag.  Covert incest at its worst.

But no. It was all about your children.  In their presence, I ceased to exist.  You refused to stand beside me as your wife and took their side without hesitation in disagreements.  As they grew, they tried to get you to divorce me.  They demanded expensive gifts and money. They learned that emotionally blackmailing you would get them anything they wanted.  They knew you were a spineless pushover.  I was so embarrassed for you to see your adolescent children play you like a fiddle.  In the meantime, I got served the crumbs of leftovers from your children emotionally and in your gifts to me.  Encouraged by your mistreatment of me, they also attempted to mistreat me; I did not let them.

All of your children have less than sterling lives as adults.  They are all near thirty now and themselves in the BPD and NPD spectrum: alcoholism, homelessness, drug addiction, expulsion from the military, suicide attempts, cruelty to coworkers and perpetrating of workplace bullying.  What an amazing bunch.

And now you are clear across the state in a rented cabin enjoying the company of one of your Ds and her children and H, and his parents.  I am out of sight and out of mind.

And yet you called me after midnight, drunk, to chat and then run me over the coals for my depression (can you blame me?) and the state of my business reorganization.  I get it:  you are nearing retirement and anxious because of the poverty you were raised in, but don’t turn me into your punching bag.  I am sure the rest of the cabin guests heard every word you said to me.  Thanks a lot.

I no longer respect you as a husband or a man.

I would much rather have you ignore me than call me when you are drunk.  You were loud and critical of me.  Your uNPD D and her H certainly heard this, as his parents.

I find I am outgrowing you, H.  I love you but we have very little in common now.  I now know I no longer want to be codependent and abused by a person with BPD.  

I once loved you and you were the centre of my world.  Now I only see you for the child that you are.  I fell in love with the image you love bombed me with and I fell for it like a fish going for a baited hook.  In time, I learned to free myself from the masochistic dance I let myself participate in.

Congratulations.  You just lost the love of your wife.

Sincerely, AW  

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear AW-

What therapy have you done around your relationship with your uBPD mother, or your uBPDh?

You do understand that with your knowledge and the tools available here and the books you’ve read, you have the power to work on improving your relationship with your H.  And your stepkids.  And you have the right to leave the marriage.  

Although he may be away visiting his daughter (as I recall, you chose not to join him on this visit), you are clearly not “out of sight, out of mind”.  He phoned you.  Yes, he may have been drinking, and that seems to be a trigger for you.  When he first called you to chat, was he aggressive, or did his drinking trigger you and THEN he became angry?

Are you actively working to improve things with your H?

Have you made the appointment with the person to find out your rights with regard to your H’s retirement income?

What do you want to do?

We get one life, but many choices.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Notwendy]

AW- I've noticed that your threads are focused on your feelings that your H has made his kids his priority and not you. I say feelings -because you feel very hurt by this. It's understandable, I think it would hurt to feel like this.

Depression can also make things feel worse.  Are you seeking help for your depression? Also gems for eyes asked an important question- are you looking at the effects of being raised with a BPD parent- for you? I am also the adult child of a BPD parent and it has helped to look at that aspect.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AW, Good for you!  Writing one's thoughts down in an unsent letter is quite helpful, in my view, because it gets feelings out in the open, outside your own mind, where it's easier to look at them in the light of day.  I have a question: What would you like to see happen?  I'm unsure from your post.  And also: What are your gut feelings?  The answers to these questions might help you find your path.

LuckyJim

[AskingWhy]

Gems, NW and LJ, thank you.

I have seen a T for matters on my FOO.  I see why I was a "perfect fit" for my marriage. 

Stepping back and writing that unsent letter leads me closer to accepting that I have married a uBPD man.  This will be my reality.

In the meantime, I am seeking legal resources in the even that either of us chooses to leave. 

Knowledge is power, but it's also a comfort to know where one will stand.

[Cat Familiar]

How specifically does knowing what your legal rights are change how you feel about being in this relationship?

[AskingWhy]

How specifically does knowing what your legal rights are change how you feel about being in this relationship?

I think the knowledge of my rights sets my mind at ease in the even H decides to eventually devalue me and leave.  I may also choose to leave when I have had my fill of BPD.