Going NC For Good - Cannot Do Pt Care giving any longer

[TelHill]

Hi all,

I am in emotional turmoil here. I will return to give the whole story in a few days.

I have been strongly insisting that my brother pitch in for pt care giving of my elderly parents. It hit the fan yesterday.

I was slated to go to a family bridal shower with my mom. I had a horrible panic attack and felt very unwell. The thought of being with toxic relatives and my bpd mom made the anxiety go through the roof. I thought my parents would understand that I was not feeling well and could not make it.

He told me my mother left in tears to go to this bridal shower. (It was not due to concern about my panic attacks; mom has social phobia and needs someone to assist her at parties.) My dad screamed that I was ungrateful and no good.  I told him this is happening in part that I feel I cannot leave the house to go out with friends. BPD mom's jealousy and possessiveness spills out as screams and cries that I am too old to have friends.  The stress stays with me when I go back home. My entire life has gotten unbearable and extremely lonely after I came here to care take them for the various surgeries and then my husband's death. Dad tells me he and mom should be my only friends.

I have stated these things to my brother. He tells me what's the matter with me. Mom and Dad need help. That should be my first priority. I ask him to help. As I've stated before, he says he will and never shows.

I am still having panic attacks. I told my parents I am moving back to my place permanently. I told them to never contact me.

I have no choice. They are wanting to take my life away from me so they can feel comfort that they don't have to pay for an outside care giver or sell their home to go to Assisted Living.

I feel like this abuse from them is never ending. It has not changed one iota since childhood. I thrive when I do NC and suffer immensely with LC or full on contact. Sigh. Will be in touch soon.

[TelHill]

BTW, am getting the silent treatment from my folks. I will be taking some items to my place all week long. I have a lot of stuff here. My dad told me to get all my stuff out if I want to leave and never return.

[hope2727]

So sorry to hear you are enduring this. You are not alone. Many people here have experienced these types of traumas. Please take gentle care of yourself. If you have truly decided to cut ties I would suggest that you think of it like a bandaid and just do it. ITs the back and forth that is so hard. Keep us posted.

[Harri]

Hi TelHill.

It sounds like you reached a point where the current situation is not working for you.  No contact is one way to deal with this, it certainly gives space to return to center.  I am concerned that NC may have been decided on in the heat of the moment rather than planned out.  Is that impression correct?   My concern is that even NC does not actually solve the problem for many people, there are still issues that go along with NC.

Anyway, I will support whatever you decide and I am glad you posted here.  How are you feeling now, it has been a while since the incident.

Hang in.   

[zachira]

It seems that you have no choice but to go no contact. Your parents and brother do not care about your well being and only want to suck the life out of you. When I was thinking of going no contact my therapist helped me understand that I needed to work on my well being so that I would not just be stuffing my feelings while having no contact with my family. Do what you have to to focus on you and how you are feeling from moment to moment. If you really sit and listen to your feelings and process them, then there will come a point when painful feelings over how your family has treated you will not suddenly overwhelm you nearly as much even though you are no contact. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful. Many people who post on this site have been in similar situations to yours with their family members and are in a better place today.

[Methuen]

Hi TelHill,

I am so sorry you are experiencing these hurtful actions from your family.  

Unfortunately we can't pick our FOO's, but you do have a different kind of support family here.  A common experience kind of binds us all together.  It has been so helpful for me to find this board, as I used to be completely alone in my experience without a single person in my life who shared the experience of having a BPD parent.  

Try to depersonalize the words coming out of your parents mouths (eg get all your stuff out and not return).  It's their disease doing the talking.  All you've tried to do is support them, and if that hasn't been helpful, then it's probably time for you to leave.  Let them find someone else.  Let them be accountable for their own decisions and actions, and experience the consequences of those.  It is their life to choose their own path after all.  It sounds like you have done everything you can to support your family (including move to them) .  When they are so destructive to themselves and others including you, then it is probably time to extricate yourself from that situation that clearly isn't going to change, and move on with YOUR life i.e. take back control of your life.  Instead of feeling guilty for leaving, maybe reframe the thinking to one of finding the courage to self-respect, and leave. 

Maybe try to surround yourself with positive people only?  Dedicate a chunk of time (days or weeks or months) for yourself.   Rediscover things that you have always enjoyed (hobbies), and maybe reconnect with friends who have healthy lives.  Eventually maybe join something in your community to meet new people.  Be like a tree in the springtime, and let your branches grow and sprout new leaves... when you are ready for that.  Self-care self care self care...for renewal.

Do you practice mindfulness exercises?  Yoga?  Faith based activities?  Walks in nature?  

Just a few ideas.  Let yourself enjoy whatever it is you like to do, and move towards your center, and find contentment again.  

[TelHill]

Hello all,

Thanks for the replies. A big part of this decision was due to the behavior of my dad and brother. My dad supposedly sympathizes but rarely says anything to help me.  I've asked my brother a few times to tell her that I need friends and need to go out of the house. He refuses to answer me when I ask for that or any help.

They benefit from having someone taking a part of the burden of bpd mom behavior. My dad does not, as of yet, have to hire help. My brother does not have to curtail his lifestyle one bit. He works, goes out with friends, does other activities. He takes a meal from my parents once a week. He has yet to do much of anything else. He has told me that mom and dad cannot be alone (they can actually for part of the week.) I've said you come by the rest of the week then. Radio silence. That is what was on my mind about my decision. It's not just one problem person, but three.  My mom is the hot potato my father and brother have thrown my way.

I have to calm down more and think things through. LC may be what I come up with.  Acting just like my brother has crossed my mind. If he can do this, I should too.

If they need help, let them sell their house and go into AL. I have reached the end of my rope here.

[TelHill]

Hello all,

Thanks for the replies. A big part of this decision was due to the behavior of my dad and brother. My dad supposedly sympathizes but rarely says anything to help me.  I've asked my brother a few times to tell her that I need friends and need to go out of the house. He refuses to answer me when I ask for that or any help.

They benefit from having someone taking a part of the burden of bpd mom behavior. My dad does not, as of yet, have to hire help. My brother does not have to curtail his lifestyle one bit. He works, goes out with friends, does other activities. He takes a meal from my parents once a week. He has yet to do much of anything else. He has told me that mom and dad cannot be alone (they can actually for part of the week.) I've said you come by the rest of the week then. Radio silence. That is what was on my mind about my decision. It's not just one problem person, but three.  My mom is the hot potato my father and brother have thrown my way.

The last thing that made me angry is my dad want me to promise to give my place to my brother's daughter in exchange for taking care of me in my old age. He asks me repeatedly. I have said absolutely not. I believe he and my brother are pushing this. I have no children and my place is worth a chunk of change. This 30 year old niece has had personal issues brushes with the law (she was arrested as an adult and failed to show for the hearing. She was put in jail.)  This kid has problems.

I truly believe this is one big reason my dad and brother don't want me to date/have friends. I may remarry and the proceeds of my estate may easily go to someone else. It's truly mind-boggling what they are asking of me. I have felt when my husband died, that I lost my security guard. I am being picked on a lot by my dad and brother. My mom is the only one whose behavior is a constant. Also, my dad does not want my brother to lose the inheritance of their house if my parents have to sell it for AL. That means the granddaughter loses out too. The house is my parents' biggest asset.

I have to calm down more and think things through. LC may be what I come up with.  Acting just like my brother has crossed my mind. If he can do this, I should too.

If they need help, let them sell their house and go into AL. I have reached the end of my rope here.

[GaGrl]

This stage of our parent's lives is difficult, even when they have been mentally healthy. My mother is 93 and is living with my husband and me. We want to do this, but it still has its moments.

I would encourage you and your brother to push for in-home caregivers. My mom has someone a half-day, three times a week. She is a treasure, and we are all better off for it.

Are either of your parents a veteran? Vs benefits will provide reimbursement for in-home care, subject to some restrictions.

In the meantime, you are right to remove yourself from the chaos and take care of yourself.

[TelHill]

Thanks GaGirl for your insight. The big problem here is my brother's passive aggressive behavior. He does not want anything to do with caring for them. I asked him once (begged and pleaded actually) to take my mom to her shrink. She gets meds but does not want talk therapy. I go into the appointment with them so I can understand what is going on with her health and keep track of the meds she takes. I told my brother he needed to do that. That is a huge part of care giving.

He did drive them to the shrink. However, he refused to go into the appointment with them. It's upsetting when he is wanting their inheritance but not willing to help them.

I need to extricate myself from all this.  I feel like they (dad & brother) are doing this on purpose. Money is a great motivator.

[Harri]

I need to extricate myself from all this.

Yes.  We can help you with that here too.  I am most concerned about you and your state of mind.  All of this is incredibly upsetting and stressful. How can we help you?  

[TelHill]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for writing back so quickly. I think writing my thoughts down helps.  A lot of my family has always been about money and getting it any way you can.

I believe this is what is happening. I felt horrible yesterday and today. I feel like I wasted my work and honest intentions on less than honorable people. I don't know how I can be so dumb.

[Harri]

TelHill, breathe.

And write like you are.  We've got your back here.

I feel like I wasted my work and honest intentions on less than honorable people. I don't know how I can be so dumb.

I get this.  I think it was the hardest part for me when I finally left my family home, all the time, energy, effort and money I poured into my parents and their house.  It was also something that kept me tied there too... walking away from all that was hard as hell.  I think I get at least part of what you are feeling. 

I also get why you would feel dumb after all of that.  But (!) I see it differently.  There is nothing wrong with trying to help people and I do not think it makes you dumb at all.  So lets agree to disagree on that part 

In the meantime, keep writing.  As you can see, we all help each other here.   

[TelHill]

I am thinking more about this.  I feel scared of staying here pt time and scared of going back home ft.

 If I go back home ft, I have to face an empty place where my late husband used to be.  I feel unmoored. I do need therapy. I've been dwelling too much on the bad experiences. I had have some positive from a few good therapists.

Lastly, going back full time means dealing with the devil I don't know. It's easier to deal with the devil I know.

I don't want to paint my parents like that. It's a saying that means it's not so great where you are. (I know you all know this. It helps me to interpret it here.) There is a chance if you try to improve the mediocre situation, your new situation may be a lot worse.

[TelHill]

TelHill, breathe.

And write like you are.  We've got your back here.
 I get this.  I think it was the hardest part for me when I finally left my family home, all the time, energy, effort and money I poured into my parents and their house.  It was also something that kept me tied there too... walking away from all that was hard as hell.  I think I get at least part of what you are feeling. 

I also get why you would feel dumb after all of that.  But (!) I see it differently.  There is nothing wrong with trying to help people and I do not think it makes you dumb at all.  So lets agree to disagree on that part 

In the meantime, keep writing.  As you can see, we all help each other here.   

Thanks, again, Harri, and all.  Yes, I will take a longish break from care giving.

I will let go and let the other child, my older brother, take over if he wants. I have been providing valuable services and don't want to stay if I have to suffer beyond the pain of caregiving.

Am a fan of Bob Dylan. He has a line in the song Don't Think Twice It's Alright - "I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul."  That's what it feels like with my parents. I need to calm down, think and read more on this site.

[Notwendy]

I was enlisted ( family dynamics) as a codependent emotional caretaker for my BPD mother as a young teen. When my father got ill, I dropped what I was doing ( I have my own family) and went to help for a bit. As it was, Dad was being cared for in the hospital and I was home alone with BPD mom for the first time in decades and she was abusive to me. Before, somehow this just felt like the norm in my family, but this time, I began to feel, like you, that my own well being and the well being of my own family would not be able to withstand this.

I had left the kids with a reliable sitter, and driven several hours to come help . My parents didn't seem to care if I got any sleep or rest before taking the drive home. I realize they were stressed, but I would spend the night with my father at the hospital and then not be able to sleep afterwards. Neither had any concern about me or how the kids were doing with mom not home. I didn't expect this, I was there for them, but I didn't expect to be abused either. Dad was fine- and quite happy that someone was there to "take care of mother" when he was not there.

I didn't go NC, but I felt I had to back off. My kids needed a mother. I knew my parents needed help too but there didn't seem to be any limit when it came to me- and there was no pleasing them. I've been the scapegoat child for my BPD mother.

I began to set boundaries with them. They were not pleased. My father sent an email to me to stop this and said " I just want to be a happy family again". Since when were we a happy family? When my mother could be abusive without restraints. How was that happy?  

I don't think my father didn't care about me. I think he did. But I know my BPD mother doesn't. She has mainly seen me as something useful to her. It's not personal to me- it's who she is. She's so sadly focused on her own sense of being a victim that it becomes her perspective. I've done many nice things for her- she can't see that. She projects her own feelings and it seems that I cause them, but I don't.

And my father's point of view paralleled hers. If she believed she's been wronged by me, then he'd defend her.

Backing away was difficult. I loved my father. Not sure he could see that, but I couldn't tolerate the abuse and don't think anyone needs to tolerate abuse. I completely understand how an elderly and ill person can get angry and lash out at times, but this wasn't the situation. This is how my BPD mother is.

What I learned from this is- we need to take care of ourselves. Our disordered family members won't. This is the nature of these kinds of family dynamics. I also learned that this isn't about me, it isn't personal, it's how they are. It helps to not take the behavior personally. In addition, I had to learn to follow my own sense of morality. I tried to treat them with as much respect as I could - without allowing abuse. How they see me doesn't change that. If I do something kind for my mother and she doesn't see it that way, it doesn't change my intent. Our moral code is our boundary. But it also has to include ourselves. If we believe we should treat others with dignity and respect- that means us too. Be kind to yourself. Others don't get to abuse you.

[GaGrl]

The financial aspect is complicated, especially with a BPD.

My step-grandmother insisted on caring for my grandfather at home, with no additional caregivers or housekeepers. We thought it was because of her concerns over money. She would hint heavily at the costs of medications, and my mom would put a check in the mail.

As it turned out, she was concerned about money -- but it was focused on not spending any of what they had accumulated over the years. She was well able to afford extra help. This did not come to light until my grandad was admitted to the hospital along with her -- for exhaustion -- and the doctor called my mom wanting to know what she planned to do about the situation. Mom blew a gasket -- told the doctor that her stepmother was not her mother, that she had never been legally adopted, and she had no control over her father's medical decisions over the wishes of his wife, and if the doctor thought he could influence the situation, he was more than welcome to try. Their doctor was floored -- he had no idea. We drove 200 miles to have a conversation with the doctor and SGM that revealed they did have adequate funds for caregiving -- I think the doctor was ready to call in social services. It was also the first time the doctor brought in a psychiatrist for a hospital consult.

Do you think your mother is avoiding proper care because of this kind of money hoarding behavior?

[zachira]

It seems you are dreading having to face so many painful situations which is normal when we have a life time of painful memories and ongoing bad treatment from a family that puts themselves first without considering our needs and feelings. When we go to therapy, it can feel like the pain is never going to end, like peeling an onion, as we uncover one painful experience process it, and then find another painful experience underlying the one we have mostly recovered from. With time and hard work in therapy, you can start to mitigate the negative effects the bad memories have on you and be able to cope with what is currently happening without feeling overwhelmed and/or somehow personally responsible. You are moving forward posting here, expressing your feelings and looking for solutions. With the right therapist, you can start to feel better with time by having a safe place to integrate all that has happened to you.

[TelHill]

I appreciate all the replies. 

I now realize how easy it is for me to JADE. I used to think of it as defending myself. It helped me defend myself from mom as  kid. I'm really good at it.  It feels like going into a boxing ring or going down a rabbit hole or going around a hamster wheel or going down with the ship - you get the picture.  Am grateful to this site for defining it.

I don't want NC. I am going back to setting boundaries and treating with respect and kindness. It takes so much practice for me. I'm not great at it.

I'll have to come back to this. I'm exhausted from this weekend.

[Harri]

Hi. 

I think taking some time to rest is a good idea.  you have been through a lot and your emotions have been all over the place.  You do not need to make decisions right now and it is probably wise not to anyway.

Talk things out with us here when you can.  In the meantime, rest.