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Author Topic: New chance with BPD ex - to be patient or to walk away?  (Read 810 times)
TheExFiancee
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: September 21, 2019, 05:09:49 AM »

Hello BPD community,

I've been fighting to get my long distance ex fiancé back for two whole years.

Maybe you remember a bit of my story. He broke up, kept my hopes up, then ended up dating someone new, ghosting me.

Now this week we've seen each other again. We had a fun time together but when he wanted to sleep with me I said no, we're just friends and I don't wanna feel used.

He then told me I was more than just a friend and suggested giving us another try. I was unbelievably happy and said yes of course.

What I've noticed straight away, he kissed me whenever l came to get a kiss. He said "l love you too" whenever l said "I love you", but nothing of this came from him, it was no giving, rather just a giving back.

When I had to leave l said "I am happy about the chance" and all he answered was "Yeah, let's take it really slow and if it doesn't work out, we'll always be friends."

Back home I wished him a good night and told him I loved him and I didn't get an I love you back from him, just a good night.

He's texting me like a friend and he didn't change his relationship status on social media which before was always an important thing to him. It feels like he just suggested to try again so that l sleep with him..?

Can you tell me what to do next? Getting him back was all l ever wanted, I've been the happiest yesterday but since he doesn't even text me an I love you I'm hurting badly cause it feels like he didn't really mean it.

I'm also afraid I overwhelmed him with all the affection I've been giving.

Should l tell him right away that this doesn't work for me like that? Walk away and let him come to me and work for it if he wants? Or should I be super patient and treat him like a friend?

It would kill me seeing him jump into another relationship after he said he wanted to give us another try. For me that means that we're back together but he just doesn't act like it.

I want the best chances of making this work...

I'm advance: thank you for your advice!
« Last Edit: September 21, 2019, 05:15:45 AM by TheExFiancee » Logged
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TheExFiancee
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Posts: 55


« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2019, 11:06:17 AM »

Situation has kind of solved itself..

I've been asking if he has told his family about us. He said no, he just wanted to see if the spark is still there between us. I asked if that meant we aren't even back together. He said yes. I apologised for the misunderstanding. He said he didn't want to mislead me.

I'm back in the same situation like the past 2 years and hurting badly. I miss him.
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No-One
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« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2019, 11:38:54 AM »

Hi TheExFiancee :
I was just about to post my comments below, when I saw your update.  I'll go ahead and post what I wrote (below the quote). 

I'm sorry about what you learned.  I know you wanted more & probably feel a bit used.  Hopefully you will take some time to think things over, maybe get some counseling to discuss what's best for you going forward.

You say you want to stay friends, but that can be painful for you. 

Quote from: TheExFiancee
Now this week we've seen each other again. We had a fun time together but when he wanted to sleep with me I said no, we're just friends and I don't wanna feel used.

He then told me I was more than just a friend and suggested giving us another try. I was unbelievably happy and said yes of course.

It would kill me seeing him jump into another relationship after he said he wanted to give us another try. For me that means that we're back together but he just doesn't act like it.


It's important, even in more normal relationships, to rely more on actions - not words.  People need to walk the walk - not just talk.

I think your first intuition, to take it slow, was a better course of action.   I don't think it's realistic to expect to start back up the way things were at the height of your relationship.  Even mentally healthy men will tell you what you want to hear to get sex, so you have to expect that someone with a personality disorder wouldn't be any different.


People tend to duplicate prior behaviors, so you have to go into it knowing that he is likely to break up with you again.  If you don't believe that, then you might ask yourself what is different this time?  Has he had extensive therapy?

I'd expect that if you don't take it slow, he might leave sooner than later.  Don't pressure him for constant "I Love You's", non-stop contact & an immediate change to his Facebook status.  That's a lot of pressure.  You might want to pull back a bit.  Let him validate that he wants to be with you without pressure.

Try to adjust your actions based on what you see.  I see "try again" as something you slowly step into.  You may need to think over whether you want to continue the sexual involvement right now.  If you hold back with that, and he disappears, then his view of "trying again" is different from yours.

He is who he is.  You can't expect him to change, especially without intensive treatment and a desire to change.  He may seem fine for awhile, but the stories here are very similar.  Staying just a friend, after a romantic relationship can be difficult, even with mentally healthy people.  Men will tend to want "friend with benefits".

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ColdKnight
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« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2019, 12:55:22 PM »

HI Ex,

I agree with “No-One”. You need to take this super slow...pump the brakes a lot. I assume you suspect he has PBD or you wouldn’t be here.

If he is you are going to trigger engulfment right away if you continue they way you are going.

I honestly feel, through my experience and from reading other experiences, that the someone with BPD engulfment is far more detrimental to them than abandonment.

No one, even normal people, wants to be smothered. I’m not saying you are but you have to remember that their emotions are running super high all the time something as simple as an I love you might trigger them.

How did you reconnect?
How and who ended it this last time?
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TheExFiancee
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« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2019, 04:41:32 PM »

Thank you, you two..

I asked him to give each other some time away and see where it's going from there and he apologised.

Didn't hear from him since then.

Do you think it's still possible to rekindle?
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2019, 05:01:15 PM »

How long has it been since he apologized to you?
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TheExFiancee
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« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2019, 06:01:58 PM »

Hey ColdNight,

I'm sorry I'm so over the place tonight with my emotions, l haven't realised you've been asking questions before.

He has apologised 8 hours ago.

He ended it two years ago because l made him feel put second in my life. We had an on and off friendship since then, he's ghosting me whenever he is with someone new.
He reached out to me after his last break up. I invited him to meet up with me shortly after.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2019, 06:08:35 PM »

No need to apologize this about your feelings not mine Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think it is possible to rekindle but do you really want to put yourself through this all over again. Knowing that he will not change? Knowing that when he is giving you the silent treatment he is at minimum, talking, with someone else.
These people cannot be alone. They have someone in back up mode.
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No-One
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« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2019, 08:39:40 PM »

Quote from: TheExFiancee
Do you think it's still possible to rekindle?
It's hard to predict.

For the best chance for rekindling, you need to:
1.  Take it slow.  Pursue friends without benefits.  
2.  Don't pursue.  Let him do the chasing. Let him initiate contact. Don't pressure him about when you will see him again.
3  Quit the "I Love You's" for now. Perhaps wait for him to say it first.
4.  Don't expect to have an exclusive relationship right now.  Don't get jealous of others he might date, along with you.
5.  Do pursue other relationships, until such a time that he can commit to an exclusive relationship with you.  Someone who sits at home and waits is less desirable than someone who continues to date others.

ColdKnight was right.  You have to be careful to NOT engulf.  It's hard to go into friend mode (with restraint), but that probably what you need to do.  One way to approach it is to just pretend that's it's a brand new relationship and you are stepping into it slowly.

Because of his track record, you have to face the fact that he could evolve back into a mutual "I love you" committed relationship, only to terminate the relationship again.

Got to think about what you want in life.  Is he someone who would be a good husband and father?  How many years are you prepared to experience break-up/make-up cycles?  For many people with BPD partners, raising children can be like single parenting (perhaps worse, with constant havoc in the home).


« Last Edit: September 21, 2019, 08:47:06 PM by No-One » Logged
TheExFiancee
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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2019, 06:18:31 AM »

Hello ColdKnight, Hello No-One!

@ColdKnight: Yes, I've had two years to think about it. I love him a lot and I'm ready to accept the bad times for the good times that are so good.


@No-One: I read your advice and I agree a 100% that there can't be any more I love yous or pressure from my side.

Now I had a relationship coaching yesterday. What I've been told there is that I gotta let him miss me.
I should tell him I can't be friends and that he should reach out to me as soon as he wants to rekindle the relationship...
I've been told that he will never miss me if he can reach out and have me available all the time. Friendship kills the spark he wants to feel.

Can you give me your thoughts about that?


The situation is that he mentioned rekindling a few times in the past and only kept me as a backup plan then while dating other girls and hurting me deeply. This didn't work out for 2 years. Why should it now? Just because I refuse sleeping with him the 2 times a year we see each other?

It's heavy for me taking an decision. I'm attached and overly scared to lose him for good.
Do you think ending the friendship would better my chances in the long run?
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TheExFiancee
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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2019, 07:20:01 AM »

Can I add something...

He just posted on social media that he has to let go the people who aren't part of his future plans. Then unfriended me.

I can't stop crying. Do I react?
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Gemsforeyes
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Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
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« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2019, 12:46:04 PM »

Dear exF-

I am very sorry that the restart of this relationship has taken this sudden downward turn.  Very sorry for your sadness and pain.

I loathe social media for this very reason.  What a cowardly way to exit a friendship.

Do you react?  I’d advise to cry your tears with your friends, your family, here.  Write in your journal and here.  But do NOT broadcast your pain and private suffering for the world to see and scoff at on social media.  Be the dignified young woman who keeps private things private.  But that’s me.  You are safe saying all you need to say here with your community.

Self-care... starting now.

This is a good time for you to really begin journaling on feelings about yourself.  Time to learn about why you accepted what you accepted during the relationship (sorry I don’t know details).  Pain teaches us hard lessons but allows us to heal some wounds to avoid the same pitfalls in the future if we’re willing to work on ourselves.  Will you do that?

Head held high, my friend.  You gave him a chance... he failed.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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TheExFiancee
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« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2019, 03:08:10 PM »

Hello Gemsforeyes,

what I meant is not if I should cry on my social media, cause no, I know that won't make anything better.

I mean do I reach out to him again so we have another chance of getting to talk? Or do I let him come to me.

I'm working on myself, yeah, but the endgoal will always be getting this beautiful man back into my life. I truly care about him.

Was thinking about texting him "Hey, I know that you're going through a lot at the moment. Take good care, I wish you all the best" and then disconnect from him as well (unfollow back). Leaving the ball in his court.

The last time doing exactly this made him come back and talk to me everyday. I just don't wanna seem weak and lose him for good...
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Gemsforeyes
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Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2019, 03:40:22 PM »

My opinion is that you go no contact and focus on yourself.  His message was pretty darn strong.  Strong and unkind, assuming he knows you follow him on whatever social media platform he deleted you from,  would you agree with that?

Why do you assume he’s “going through a lot” at the moment?  How would you know that if he hasn’t been in touch with you?

I may respond different from others here; but when someone behaves in an unkind manner like this, let them go for awhile.  He knows how to reach you.  He knows you want connection with him.

It’s okay to care about him, from a distance.  Perhaps it’s time to understand more fully the “beauty” of him; and how things perhaps should progress differently when you next engage.  Is this really a man worth placing your life on hold for?  If your answer is yes, why?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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TheExFiancee
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« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2019, 04:55:00 PM »

Hello
he's going through a lot because he lately moved in with his ex who then broke up with him although she was expecting his child. He's been proud and happy to be a father soon but then his ex lost their child.

So he's now living with his parents again and he won't be a father. He has lost everything he loved and was hoping for.

I wanna put my life on hold because I've never felt a strong connection like this with any person in my life. The break up is two years ago but my love for him didn't change a bit. I tried dating others but can't forget him.

I wanna work things out with him from all my heart.
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No-One
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« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2019, 10:11:15 PM »

Hi TheExFiancee:
Gemsforeyes gave you some good advice.
Quote from: Gemsforeyes
  Perhaps it’s time to understand more fully the “beauty” of him; and how things perhaps should progress differently when you next engage.  Is this really a man worth placing your life on hold for?  If your answer is yes, why?
  It's a good thing for you to dig deep and think about why this man is so wonderful in your eyes.  It's okay to think about it for awhile.

I pulled a few quotes, from your prior posts.  Sometimes, we forget or discount some of the issues.  It might help to review these:
Quote from: TheExFiancee
. . .No, he is not in therapy at the moment and I don't think he will do it on his own free will, if he doesn't have anyone guiding him there. I'd love to be the one helping him in that way. . .

. . .Yes, his parents are enabling him. They are giving him a home which he couldn't afford with his low paid job and they are cooking for him/cleaning his room if he doesn't. He's still a child in some way.

. . .His Family = good people
But I don't know how he'll learn to grow while getting so much support there.

. . .I had to go through a lot of rollercoaster-behavior and abuse (he broke promises, was posting about his new relationships online in a really hurtful way for me - my therapist called it gaslighting, I can't even describe what he did and why it hurt me so). 
It sounds like you want to take on the role of rescuer & caretaker?  You can't control or fix anyone but you.  If he does come back to you, you need to accept that he may not change at all.  If he does make some positive changes, it will likely be a long bumpy road, as life happens.

You indicate that you were in therapy & discussed your ex.  What advice did your therapist give you about the relationship?

Quote from: TheExFiancee
It is two years ago now that he broke up with me because I "made him feel put second" (I put my hobbies first and didn't understand his illness, which I have been working on immensely since the break up. That's why things fell apart in the first place).. . The end goal will always be getting this beautiful man back into my life. I truly care about him. 
You indicate that it was a long-distance relationship.  Sounds like you didn't see each other very often.  How did the hobbies become an issue? 
Was it a matter of you not being available 24/7 by social media?

I know you are hurting right now, and that sucks.  I, also, think you shouldn't try & contact him again.  Let him decide if he want to contact you, and when (give him some time).  In the meantime, take stock of what's really important to you for the long run. 

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ColdKnight
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« Reply #16 on: September 25, 2019, 12:53:41 AM »

I agree with Gems and No-One,

Pull back and let him reach out to you. That is the only way you will truly know if he really wants to be with you on not.

Have you read any of the books on BPD?

I highly recommend “Stop Walking on Eggshells” “I hate you don’t leave me” and “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist”

I am not going to tell you to run because I would never do that. I miss my ex and would love to have her back into my life but I know the reality is it would be nothing but pain for me. The good times get less and less and the bad times worse and worse.

I got her back after a year and lost her again. It was great in the beginning but I could feel her start to devalue me and eventually she said she “met someone”. I cut her lose for good after that. I miss her and think about her every day but I know she is toxic.

Are you truly prepared for that type of pain?
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