My Narcissistic Mother

[RO1996]

Hi, I am new here. I have a mother with narcissistic tendencies. I never really understood when I was younger that most of what she was doing was not right. I thought I had a “normal” mother. It wasn’t until I got married and noticed how my husbands parents were with their children and family that I began to realize that something wasn’t right with my mother. I feel myself in a run around cycle with her. Life is good, If I give into her every wish and whim. Life is and if I stick up for myself, my husband or my children when she has treated them or me unfairly. Then she goes into victim mode. She does the smear campaign to those other children that can do No wrong. She makes me feel guilt for calling her out on her bull crap. Then I’m the one that has to apologize and come crawling back to maintain any sort of relationship. There are too many things to list about my mom that I find highly disturbing. Having daughters of my own (one is married and just had a child, one is 14) I know my mother’s treatment of me and my family is not healthy. There are too many scenarios to list in this one post. I hope that though support I can share the many times in my life that my mother has destroyed me. For now, I have tried to go no contact and I feel horrible but in another way I feel like a weight has been lifted. I just want my feelings to be understood. I want to be validated. I want to know how to best handle a personality like this, especially because this is my mother. I would love feedback and insight. Thank you.

[Panda39]

Hi RO1996,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm glad you've decided to jump in and join the group.  There is a lot of shared experience and support to be found here along with tools, and ideas that can help.  You are definitely not alone we all have someone in our lives with BPD/NPD or BPD/NPD Traits we all "get it".  I'm on these boards because my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

You tried No Contact (NC) but struggled with that...the guilt is tough with NC I hear you.  My Partner's older daughter is NC with her mom and it hasn't been easy for her either.  My Partner's other daughter is Low Contact (LC) with her mom mostly phone calls and text messages and sometimes this isn't easy either, but they are both doing what works for them and I support that.

Just a reminder that things can be fluid, you can be NC for a period of time because you need a break for example.  NC does not have to be forever.

Have you tried setting boundaries and enforcing with your mom?  What do things look like now with your mom, how much contact are you having with her?

Panda39

[Harri]

Hi and

I am joining Panda in saying it is good you joined.  We do understand and can probably relate to most of what is going on for you.  We all work together to support and learn from each other and this is a very safe place.

Was there a particular event that prompted you to go no contact?  What would you say is your biggest challenge with your mom?

In the meantime, I hope you settle in and read and join in on other threads.  Like I said we all learn from each other.   

[RO1996]

Thank you. I have gone NC with my mother in the past. All of the times we have reconciled because I “forget everything” and move on. She will not apologize ever for her actions and always believes she is never wrong. I do not get to have any feeling or be hurt. My father is the enabler. He supports her no matter what. She lies, lies, lies. She has zero empathy. My father in law passed away last year from a mean battle with cancer. I hesitated to call her and let her know. When I did call her later in the day, she said very little and got right off the phone. I could hear she had company and I probably messed that up for her. I did not hear from her again after two days had passed. She knew I was close to him. She knew how hard it was for me and my family and yet it was always like she was jealous of the closeness I had with him.
When I was younger, I could not decide for myself. I was born deaf in my right ear. My mom would always get to the teacher before the school year had started and made the teacher sit me on either of the first two rows...no further back, even though I could hear everything perfectly fine. She styled my hair so that no one could see the deformity of my ear. She chose and bought all my school clothes. I could not have friends over and if I went to a friends home I could only stay for an hour. She got a job as a lunch lady at the school and watched my every move. High school was no different. I could only choose one high school activity a month to go to. She never allowed me to take any extracurricular activities and develop any sort of talent. I was able to date but she snooped in my room ALL THE TIME. If I ever got hurt I had to hide my injury or she would be way mad.
Once I broke up with a boyfriend. She was devastated and but I didn’t care. He cheated on me and I was done. She asked for all the things he gave me that I no longer wanted and she went out in our yard and burned all the stuff. I thought that was so strange.
Then I found my husband and we were married. She had control over a whole bunch. But she never tried to come help me pick out a wedding dress. My mother in law took me. It was like she was jealous of it all and didn’t want to participate. I moved a town away from my parents and I enjoyed the distance. I would share with my mother the struggles my husband and I had in our marriage.(thinking she would help) but she would spread it like a gossip wildfire. She hated my husband and I learned quickly to not share anything.
I started to grow closer to my husband’a parents. I learned unconditional love and acceptance. I learned to communicate. I learned how mean it is to ignore others. I learned by example how mothers and fathers can have healthy relationships with their children.
We had our first child and she was not there for the birth. She meddled in the whole reprocess though and always would throw her opinions freely at me as to what I am supposed to do or not do with a baby. It planted seeds of doubt in my mind and made it a real struggle to be the mom I wanted to be. I never fed her enough, I held her to much, and on and on...
She leaned over to my little girl one day and said to her that she would love this grandma more than the other grandma. My jaw dropped.
We moved In with my parents for a short time while we built a home. She snooped though all our stuff. She forced to wash our clothes and then complained about it behind our backs. I found out a lot of gossip she was spreading about me and my husband . I wrote a letter to her. I wanted my husband to read it before I gave it to her. She snooped and found the letter and all hell broke loose. Mind you, I was kind but stated my feelings and set boundaries. I still have the letter. Needless to say, we moved out that night. This is one of the times I went NC.
I had my second child, a boy, his birth was scary ( she was not there) my mom came later and stood at the bottom of my hospital bed and watched the doctor stitch me up. Then she went and told everyone about it. She spread rumors that I was anorexic and still tried to tell me how to raise my children.
My third baby came and I said enough. She and my dad were furious with me for what I was going to name her and never would call her by her name for months. It was baby or little girl. But I enjoyed raising my third because I learned to ignore all the things my mom would do or say. It used to be if she came over I would get anxiety and clean my house from top to bottom. But she’d always find something negative to comment on when she did come.
I don’t care anymore. When she does come to my house I didn’t give her that power to make me feel like I’m not enough. But I do admit, sometimes that feeling of worthlessness does creep in.
As I sit here and write all this I still wonder if I am the one that isn’t enough doing enough being the good enough daughter.
My children are older now and she is startling to do the same thing to them. This is why I chose to go NC. I can’t let her do to my children what she has done to me. My youngest hides from my mother. My oldest wants to tell my mother off and get in a fight with her. My son is serving an LDS mission so he is t around to have to deal with it.
In my religion we have a special program for a missionary when he is about to leave to his area he has been called to preach. My mother came that day crying victim. She threw a fit the whole meeting. Then tried to get anyone she could to hear her case as she made her way out to the car. It was so embarrassing to me. She wanted no part of it but then spread false rumors of what I had done for her not to be there.
My daughter just had her first baby and she reluctantly stopped at my parents home to let them see the baby. My mom was Cordial. But the next day my daughter called and said how upset she was because my mother had called her and told her a list of things she was doing wrong with her baby. I was fuming mad. I am at the end of my rope. So now I am NC, but I want to be heard. I want those she had told lies to about me and my family to know the truth. I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters and she has ruined my relationship with all of them except my one sister. We only have each other. And I no longer have my dad. It makes me sad what she has done and I just don’t want her to keep getting away with how she treats me. And I sit here wondering what to do.

[GaGrl]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with your narcissistic mother and these issues. My mother's stepmother was uNPD/BPD, and she behaved in a similar way...criticizing my mother's parenting, my mother, extremely controllong, lack of privacy, resentment of my father and his loving family...you named it all.

If you feel you need to go NC right now, and get some distance to begin to heal from your mother's interference, that can be a good decision. You can get some space and decide later what the relationship will look like in future.

I can hear your "mama-bear" coming out in protection of your daughter. You don't want your daughter to be subjected to the same dysfunctional behaviors as your mother subjected you. That is admirable. And your youngest needs protection -- he is being quite clear that he senses something "off" with his grandmother. I get that -- my sister and I knew around age 10-12 that my stepgrandmother was different than our other, loving grandmother, and we avoided her.

A good place to start is to work on boundaries. You found that when your mother started in on the phone, you could hang up. The big thing with boundaries is that they come from our deeply held values, so when you are clear on those values, it's easier to react when someone violates those boundaries.

Examplec-- "My privacy is important to me, and I expect people to respect my privacy." So when your mom snoops, she has violated a value, and the consequence can be something that doesn't allow her to snoop. Perhaps, she is not allowed in your house without your being present.I

Another example -- "I am a capable, loving parent, and I know what is best for my child." Your mom tells what you are doing " wrong. " She has violated this value. Sometimes the consequence is simply calling out the behavior... "Mom, I need you to NOT criticize my parenting." If she persists, a further consequence is that you don't spend time with her, or you leave when the criticism starts. Maybe your daughter can work with you on this boundary.

 K hope your son is enjoying his mission. My friend and her husband have done two missions in their retirement, and they love working with the young adults!