Alone in Mental, Emotional and Physical Exhaustion

[OnThinIce]

Hi,

I've been married to my spouse for 8 years going on 9. Our relationship has always been like a hurricane of emotions. The happy honeymoon phase lasted for about 2 months. Then the extreme mood swings began and persisted for the remainder of our marriage. In the beginning, I was often convinced by my spouse that I was person with the problems. I worked on myself to try and make the relationship better. I read various self help books. Relationship improvement books. Communication improvement books. Even books on how to place importance on your significant other before our child. I was desperate. I became depressed and managed to somehow get out of my personal funk. I stumbled upon the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason, MS & Randi Kreger. Things started to make more sense as I was reading through the book.

During my years maneuvering through the emotional turbulence, my spouse would sometimes hint here and there that he had been in therapy twice. Once as a child an again as an adult. He would throw out random thoughts such as,"I think I might have BPD". Last year out of the blue he suddenly  told me he was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder many years ago. I also recall my mother in law indicating that he was referred to a psychiatrist and he refused the recommended medication.

That being said, I am still with my spouse because I do love him. He does have good qualities to him. He can be kind, compassionate and is intelligent in many ways. He is always helping others without asking for anything in return. But as a person who lives with him everyday, I also experience the other side of him. It's worn me down mentally, emotionally and physically. It's affected our son who is now a teenager and dealing with his own identity growing up.

I joined  bpdfamily a year ago, but I've been afraid to post anything. I'm embarrassed and I feel vulnerable exposing my private life. But I have come to a point where I feel completely and utterly alone. I don't know who to talk to and I can't afford therapy. I'm already meditating, doing yoga, exercising regularly and eating healthy to keep myself mentally sharp. But this doesn't always help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Longterm]

  onThinIce and welcome.

A lot of us can relate to how you feel. It is not easing living with somebody who has extreme mood swings. It can be very draining and difficult.

  I joined  bpdfamily a year ago, but I've been afraid to post anything. I'm embarrassed and I feel vulnerable exposing my private life. But I have come to a point where I feel completely and utterly alone. I don't know who to talk to and I can't afford therapy. I'm already meditating, doing yoga, exercising regularly and eating healthy to keep myself mentally sharp. But this doesn't always help.

It is very vulnerable to open ourselves up, but can also help us lighten the load. There is no need to be embarrassed but we do get it. I too was very embarrassed when I first came here but I understand now that I'm not alone, and neither are you  a support group can be an invaluable tool.

It is good that you are looking after yourself and I commend your efforts. Is your husband open to therapy? I know you said you cant afford it but could you get any help with this?

LT.

[DanniGirl75]

Hi OnThinIce,

Allow me to begin by saying that I, too, am a newbie here.  I've been lurking on this board for about 3 weeks now and this will be my first post.  I found this site after some internet digging in hopes to find answers and support.  My boyfriend of almost 3 months recently told me that he is a diagnosed pwBPD and has been in counseling for some time, so he is in treatment.  I was vaguely familiar with BPD's before he told me so, naturally, I've been trying to read up about it as much as I can.

I felt compelled to reply to you because alot of what you said hit home for me.  I am so sorry to hear that you've gone through so much and that you are now at the point where you feel completely drained.  I can't imagine what that must feel like, especially after almost 9 years together.  I'm on edge now and I've only been dating my BF for a short period of time.  I knew something was different about him at first, but I thought I had struck gold and met a man who was romantic, loving and, above all, super in touch with his feelings!  That just made me chuckle outloud as I typed that.  Understatement of the year, right?

The first month of dating was lovely.  He was very attentive, sweet, caring and an absolute joy to converse with.  These past couple of weeks?  Not so much.  I feel since he's confided in me about his BPD, he has let his guard down a bit and I'm beginning see more of what he's like on a regular basis.  Or maybe it has nothing to do with BPD and this is just a natural progression of a relationship, when we begin to loosen up a bit as we grow more comfortable with each other.  I can't tell.  The mood swings have been more noticeable though (at first I just chalked it up to him being tired) and I've been accused of seeing other men behind his back about 3 or 4 times.  Since I didn't have as much information as I do at this moment, I now realize that all my reactions were wrong.  I tried to reason with him, to justify myself, to defend myself.  I didn't validate his feelings because I had no idea I was supposed to do that and try to see the underlying emotion in his words.  It's been tough to navigate, but I'm learning.  He has an intense concern that he's not good enough for me and I'll leave him yet, lately, he's been pulling away.  This happened about a week or so ago.  I didn't hear from him much for a few days, almost a week, then he came back around like nothing happened.  I suspect these cycles might be frequent.

I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice as I am new to this.  All I can do is share some excerpts from my own experience and tell you that I understand.   I have found this board extremely informative and helpful, as I'm sure you do as well.  Some of these folks have gone through alot so I guess there is some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Danni

[OnThinIce]

Thank you so much for your replies. It really does help to know that I'm not alone. It gives me the strength to carry on in an emotionally intelligent way. Sometimes it takes a small dose of understanding and good advice.

[OnThinIce]

@LT: I'm searching for counseling through university funded programs. I've been told that psychology graduates who are supervised by certified counselors may be an option for me.

@DanniGirl75: Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. To know that someone out there understands is like seeing the light at the end of the long dark tunnel.

I leave you with thoughts that your replies are like small ripples of encouragement which I feel will turn into tides of hopes.