Anything that is counter to her belief is an "attack" or "violence"

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know what to do. My wife clearly has BPD. She turns everything against me and others. I am prone to depression too which doesn't help. I can no longer talk to her. Anything that is counter to her belief is an "attack" or "violence". She has lost friends lately because they cannot deal with her style of communication. It is like she is always on the hunt for the next crisis. She can't talk about anything but victimization. I am really at a loss for what to do.

[what_do_I_do]

I don't know what to do. My wife clearly has BPD. She turns everything against me and others. I am prone to depression too which doesn't help. I can no longer talk to her. Anything that is counter to her belief is an "attack" or "violence". She has lost friends lately because they cannot deal with her style of communication. It is like she is always on the hunt for the next crisis. She can't talk about anything but victimization. I am really at a loss for what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi.

You ask what do I do.  You do what you did and reach out for help and support.  I am glad you posted.  We get it here and many of us are going through or have gone through similar situations and struggled to find a better way.  So you are not alone and are in a great place to get some help.

What would you say your biggest struggle is?

I hope you settle in and read threads and articles.  Tehre is a lot here so take it slow but feel free to jump into other threads.  We all support and learn beside and from each other.

Again,

[what_do_I_do]

Thank you, Harri.

I would say my biggest struggle is communication. Like I said before, anything I say that she doesn't agree with is immediately described as an attack or violence. And it suddenly goes to these absurd levels where it becomes a "human rights violation". I have read some of the Walking on Eggshells book and tried to deploy some of those techniques, but all it takes is one slip up and we plunge into disaster. And I find it exhausting to keep up with, especially right when I get home from a long day at work.

I know this is probably wrong, but as communication seems hopeless, I just listen and nod along in agreement, hoping she will calm down. It really feels like there is a poison in her that she can only get out through these angry burst. And that it doesn't really matter what I say anyway. We can have a discussion and come to a conclusion but then she is bringing up the same issues later that day or the next as if we never talked about it at all.

So I have grown distant in some ways because I don't know how to interact with her. (It used to be so effortless.) She senses it and tells me I have lost my mind and become a different person. She will demand I tell her what is wrong, but immediate preface with "and you know this isn't about me" or "don't try to make this about me". So there is no answer. Any time I try to be even remotely honest, it escalates into a full blown episode, where she will be yelling at me literally all hours of the night without pause. And I mean literally 6+ hours straight. And in the worst cases we descend into suicide talk where she is running around with knives.

I cannot afford to lose my job, and I can only tolerate so many sleepless nights, so I often just accept whatever she accuses me of and pray she will pass out exhausted soon.

She had a very difficult childhood (ongoing PTSD) and has a chronic pain condition so her life is very difficult. Progressively more so recently. But she has been pushing people away like it is her job.

[Thayan]

I struggle with boundaries, but they have been the most helpful thing to work on in curbing the rage episodes. Being very clear about when I will engage and what I need from her has been really helpful. A therapist was pushing me on this before I really gave BPD a name. I think this probably plays the same game back to the pwBPD: “I love and accept you, but I’ll need to take a minute, give you some space to recognize the rage, and we can talk - not scream - when you are ready too. I am right here, we’re on the same team, I value you, but I really start to disengage emotionally when things escalate like this and I care too much to have this be an acceptable normal.”

Fortunately she’s been able to either take or give space when needed (most times). I haven’t had to leave or contemplate that, and knives out threats haven’t happened yet. I can’t say what I’d do in that scenario. She has started to take her “time outs” excessively though and it is some type of shame spiraling behavior but much easier to live with than rages, and we’re working on this too.

[Harri]

It really feels like there is a poison in her that she can only get out through these angry burst.

It sounds like she is releasing the build up of emotions for sure.  That happens.  The angry outbursts act like a pressure release.  It also sounds like the soothing effects (for her at least) do not last long. 

And that it doesn't really matter what I say anyway. We can have a discussion and come to a conclusion but then she is bringing up the same issues later that day or the next as if we never talked about it at all.

If you are having a conversation, or attempting to when she is already dysregulated, chances are she is not going to hear you or really even remember what you may have agreed upon.  Are there quiet, calm times when you can have a conversation that sticks, where she remembers the resolution you have reached?

I know this is probably wrong, but as communication seems hopeless, I just listen and nod along in agreement, hoping she will calm down.

A lot of us have done this.  I know I did with my ex.  anything to get it to end!  The problem is that while this may result in a short term relief for us it will work against us in the long term especially if we admit to doing things or thinking things that are not true.

So I have grown distant in some ways because I don't know how to interact with her. (It used to be so effortless.) She senses it and tells me I have lost my mind and become a different person.

It is human to pull away when someone is acting this way.  Some people, and especially those with BPD, are very attuned to the emotions of those close to them. 

She will demand I tell her what is wrong, but immediate preface with "and you know this isn't about me" or "don't try to make this about me". So there is no answer. Any time I try to be even remotely honest, it escalates into a full blown episode, where she will be yelling at me literally all hours of the night without pause. And I mean literally 6+ hours straight.

Can you give a more specific run down of he said/she said so we can break it down a bit?

And in the worst cases we descend into suicide talk where she is running around with knives.

What do you do in these situations?  Has she ever tried to commit suicide?  Does she see a T (therapist)?  Is anyone else aware of this behavioral pattern like her family?  This is a lot for you to deal with and so very difficult.  Sometimes what can help is for you to call the suicide hotline and tell them about what your wife dies and they can advise you.  We can help you here too.  We have a suicide ideation protocol that we use here.  It was developed in consultation with national experts and is inline with their advice and protocols.  Read the article (it is not long) and make sure you scroll down to the part where we cover: If you are helping someone with suicidal thoughts.

When things are calm can you sit down with her and explain to her that suicide threats and running around with a knife is something you will act on by making sure she gets help?  Saying something like:  " I want to help and support you yet I am not trained to handle suicide and I want you to get help.  I can either drive you to the hospital where there are people who do know how to help you or I can call for an ambulance".  Give her an either or choice rather than giving her an option to do nothing. 

Would that work for you?  Thoughts?