Struggling to cope

[snowglobe]

Today I day 4 of ubpdh giving me the silent treatment. It begins to feel claustrophobic. Yesterday I spent the day doing things with children, their appointments, homework and carpooling. For myself- I did more research and studying for the program. Slept 2s- once during the late afternoon about an hour, and then later at night. I don’t feel refreshed. It’s like I just want to crawl under bed and pull the covers over. Prepare for inevitable. I don’t normally sleep during the day. The four days feel like eternity, it hurts on a physical level. I’m not sure if it’s anticipation of what comes next- usually ultimatums and break up threats. I am struggling to lift a finger, tired to the bone. I’m going to the support group on Saturday, there will be a facilitator with clinical background and women who went through a divorce from npd, drug addict and etc. I don’t want to belong to that club, yet I feel drawn to it. I ask myself- will ruminating help you? You aren’t there yet... go once the things are set, nothing happened. With an accurate prediction, I can say it will. Since I’m not chasing, massaging feet or crying it will. The game will be amped up. Last night our friends called us. They rented out one of the most beautiful spots in the world for the celebration. All expenses paid. All we need to cover is airfare. I want to share the exciting news with him, but he won’t be happy. He didn’t command or permit for me to feel happy or excited about myself. That is another thing I’m struggling with. When I am being “punished”, I am not supposed to do anything other then weep and beg for mercy. It goes against my very core human principles. My self worth, self respect, autonomy, right to be happy, loved and cherished. Yet, if I do not do this, he makes everyone else’s life miserable. Kids are affected the most. He insults, belittles and mocks me in front of them. He cuts down their preferred activities, instead forcing the lock up on their bedrooms. During these times I tell myself that it’s not worth living this way, there is no security anyway, why am I holding on to something that is only in my imagination? He has not tried to make me happy in any regard. Why am I still making effort? I seriously doubt that he is mentally ill. He is calculated, cold and ruthless human with no principles.

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe- the interpretation of your situation that I can think of is that this is similar to drug withdrawal for you. When you are in this state,  like a drug addict, you will do anything for the next "fix". The "fix" is positive attention from your H, reassurance of your fears that feel terrible at the moment. Once you get the "fix" you can compartmentalize the way you feel right now, it will be forgotten, temporarily and you will feel back to "normal" with your H. Until the next time he decides to do this. By focusing on your H, and being co-dependent, and seeing him as the source of your painful feelings- this is how you manage your uncomfortable feelings.

On his part, he is also in a cycle. The abuse cycle. It's a way to manage his uncomfortable feelings. He projects them on you with these behaviors. When he's done, he feels better and has you to soothe him. It's a cycle but unless you remember these episodes, you see them as separate events. But he's done this before and you have been in this situation before.

With your dual patterns, the two of you fit together like hand in glove. He's your "drug". You are his recipient of his projections. You reinforce his behavior when you focus on him, act unhappy, be remorseful and take on soothing him. I am glad you are not massaging his feet or doing these kinds of things. When you do them, it is to stop your own pain.

I don't have any advice for a way to change this that doesn't involve change on your part. Your H is who he is, and we are all powerless when it comes to changing another person. I don't mean to sound cruel by saying this: but people tend to take steps to change when they have had enough of the pain of their behavior patterns and addictions: this is true for people who are addicted to alcohol, drugs, or anything else- and one can be addicted to another person in a high conflict relationship. Co dependency can be described as an addiction. javascript:void(0);

I think you have taken some big positive steps so far- you are aware of the situation more, and you have stopped some of your soothing behaviors for your H. These are big changes. When we make changes, we also can feel some discomfort, in a similar way to someone stopping alcohol or drugs. It can feel like a drug withdrawal. But you know if you were speaking to a friend who was going through this, you would encourage them to persevere.

Not without help though. You know that if someone has been using a drug for a long time, quitting without support is tough. If it is a physical drug or alcohol addiction, then it can also be dangerous. Fortunately you are not in that situation, you don't have a physical addiction like a drug, but emotionally, you are feeling bad. The good news is that there are available ways to get support for this- one is counseling and another is to attend a CODA meeting- and be serious about it- get a sponsor, work the steps. 12 step groups were found to be effective for alcohol addiction- and they were expanded to help with other ones such as drugs, and also co-dependency which also fits the addiction model.

Living where you are, it may even be harder to get to a CODA meeting. Your H may restrict the car. But there are ways- call a cab, call a domestic abuse hotline. I don't mean to sound cruel when I say this, but people gain motivation to change when they have had enough of the consequences of their behaviors. This has happened to you before. But when your H settles down and begins to pay attention to you, your motivation is less. Such is the nature of these relationships. Still, even in this much pain- you don't want to be part of the support group for women in the process of divorce from abusive husbands. But even if you don't- this group might offer you information, support and also direct you to where you can get help. Nobody can force you to get divorced. I think just reaching out to this group might give you a connection to other people who can be of support to you.

You are in a tough situation but it isn't hopeless in terms of you getting better at managing your fears so you don't need to be addicted to your H. Emotional sobriety is a possible goal. It doesn't mean divorce. It means not being addicted and fearful. But you are the only one who can take that first step- walk into a CODA meeting, or this group you mention, seek help, be honest with the situation to another person.
 

[snowglobe]

Wendy,
You are so accurate in your observation of my experience. I can’t verbalized it, but you certainly summarized what is going on and how I am feeling. Thankfully I was never addicted to any substance, but I would imagine this is what withdrawals would feel like. Low, hopelessness with no possibility of a good outcome. The good news is once one gets over the hump it gets better. I will attend the group meeting, even though I don’t want to allow my brain go in that direction or possibility, it feels almost if I was standing on a plunging board, someone was pushing me off, but I didn’t want to jump so I resist. I am not a victim of my circumstances, I have a choice (I keep on repeating it), life isn’t fair, but it is a reality. Yes, neither of real choices (stay and be miserable or leave the very person I love for many years) make me content. All the while I held the key to my prison. It is in my mind. I’m resourceful, determined, kind, sensitive and loyal, I am me. When he starts to separate us, during the splitting “we are two different people, we should not be together, I need to understand that yes, we are different and I am Better then him. I need to be myself, not to hold on to his skewed perception of me. This isn’t me. His vision of me is Teddy, it is not real. You were asking me what I am planning on doing to make myself whole and better. I am going to tap into my source of strength and identity. My d16 went to 9 years to a Jewish mentor, who is also her tutor. He talks to her about culture, identity, love and strength. He is also the person who inspired me to study, obtain education and persevere. Over two years with the travel schedule I have moved away from our connection. He is an elderly gentlemen, who is deeply religious and spiritual. He always say to me” Snow, you don’t need luck, you are Jew. You were born with Jewish soul and Hashem is looking after you. You must set example for your children, as we lead by example. It doesn’t matter who does what. You do what is right. You protect yourself when and if you have to. Always remember “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” I am for myself, thank you Wendy. This Sunday I will spend time with him and his wife while d16 does her studying. Ubpdh isn’t the only source of survival. I can always go to my community and ask for help. I will be helped, that much I know. This community doesn’t leave their own.

[formflier]

Snowglobe,

Can you reflect back the message Notwendy (and others) have been sending you on various threads for a while now.

Please put it in your own words.  What are you hearing?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe,

Can you reflect back the message Notwendy (and others) have been sending you on various threads for a while now.

Please put it in your own words.  What are you hearing?

Best,

FF

I’m hearing that most members are cautioning me to have a contingency plan, while also drawing on personal strength and support of the trained personal. ThT ubpdh can and likely will dysregulate furthermore, once he realizes that I am not chasing or placating him. That it can get violent, that I need to have a bag for myself and kids stored somewhere should I need to flee from him. That I need to look after myself and he children, through physical exercise and attend co dependency group in order to explore my addiction to him. That by caretaking I try to minimize my own fears and insecurities which I need to address with the therapist. That I also need to separate myself as a person and individual and not try to be someone I am not just to please ubpdh. It doesn’t work long term.

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe,

Can you reflect back the message Notwendy (and others) have been sending you on various threads for a while now.

Please put it in your own words.  What are you hearing?

Best,

FF

Am I missing something?

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe,

Can you reflect back the message Notwendy (and others) have been sending you on various threads for a while now.

Please put it in your own words.  What are you hearing?

Best,

FF

Ff,
Over past couple of years you have been a consistent source of emotional support, empathy and guidance when it comes to navigating the disorder. Through limited exposure to therapy that I had in the recent time I have learnt to ask for what I need directly. Perhaps my executive function is somewhat compromised, I would not be surprised. I don’t do well with open ended questions. As someone who is studying in the field, I understand the purpose of such communication. You want me to explore deeper and tap into my wise mind, while also checking for cognitive comprehension of the shared material. For me, it is not effective. What is effective is paraphrasing, emphasizing and building up to what you want me to understand. In a manner of bread crumbs. When you leave me suspended with an open question that reflects back on the summary of two years plus advices, it frustrates me and makes me feel incompetent. I do value your time and effort, and want to benefit from it to the max. I also want to comment to the pre-New years time of 2017. You have me solid points, advice, your observation of my issues and things to avoid. You then checked in with me for effectiveness and general understanding of why this tactic was effective. Your are military man. Think of me as your soldier. You show me what to do, then ask to repeat, then check if I can do it on my own. This is the best way you could support me.

[Notwendy]

I am going to tap into my source of strength and identity.

I think this is an excellent step in self care, getting to know who you are, and in taking the focus off your H.

It seems you have a willing mentor and knowledgeable teacher who will help you study your heritage and identity.

You also have resources where you can find support for dealing with co-dependency.

The original 12 step Blue Book ( for AA) was written from a Christian perspective, but the steps and principles are universal and other religions have used them. One idea is that they say "God as I understand God" meaning they don't tell you what religion or concept of God you need to adhere to. A main point of this step is to acknowledge that you are not in control of everything and especially another person. It also includes understanding that you aren't in complete control of an addiction. This doesn't mean you are helpless- you can take steps to work on this, but that we aren't able to see our own parts in this as clearly. A sponsor can help with this. So can a counselor. It encourages us to seek help and not fall into denial.

Addiction can affect anyone of any background. If you google 12 steps, recovery, Judaism. you can find resources on this topic. There probably isn't a specific 12 step group for Judaism anywhere outside large communities. Most 12 step meetings are in churches or other available meeting spaces- as places of worship and civic organizations are glad to help provide space for people to work on this issue. But the steps are universal. In the 12 step groups I have attended there are people of several different religions, and also atheists. It still works. Effective sponsors can be of all different backgrounds. I still encourage you to check this out or pursue this with your therapist.

[formflier]

  You show me what to do, then ask to repeat, then check if I can do it on my own. This is the best way you could support me.

Focus on yourself first.  Your husband goes way down on the list.  The feelings you have were not/are not "because" of  silent treatment or "because" of your husband.  They are YOUR feelings.

Every moment you "evaluate", "think about", "explain" your husband is time lost looking at yourself.

I get it that it's likely more comfortable to look at someone else's dysfunction/pain/hurt/trauma/etc etc and it's also true that looking at someone else send YOU further down the rabbit hole of dysfunction.

That's what I think you should do and it's also (IMO) what Notwendy and others are telling you.

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

A couple of examples of focusing on yourself first.

Snowglobes Husband walks in and says"why hasn't Contractor X been to look at this thing?"

Snowglobe focuses on herself first.    Asks herself,  is this something  I need to take care of?    Do I need to do something right now?  How is this going to fit into my day?

Snowglobe answers Husband "gee I don't know,  I can check on that later."

Husband yells,  "that's not acceptable "

And snowglobe walks away and disconnects from the drama.


More complicated example.    Husband is on day 4 of the silent treatment.    Snowglobe is upset, BUT,  takes responsibility for Only Her emotions and increases her self care and self soothing activities.

Does that help?

[snowglobe]

Focus on yourself first.  Your husband goes way down on the list.  The feelings you have were not/are not "because" of  silent treatment or "because" of your husband.  They are YOUR feelings.

Every moment you "evaluate", "think about", "explain" your husband is time lost looking at yourself.

I get it that it's likely more comfortable to look at someone else's dysfunction/pain/hurt/trauma/etc etc and it's also true that looking at someone else send YOU further down the rabbit hole of dysfunction.

That's what I think you should do and it's also (IMO) what Notwendy and others are telling you.

Best,

FF

Now, this is the way I understand the best, I actually took the advice, did productive work, walked and took care of kids stuff. Didn’t look up to see what is up down South. Few times I was triggered to go into “let’s sit down and talk mode”, but then I forcefully stopped myself. The pain is still there, but I’m not doing anything about it. Radical acceptance
Thank you Ff for landing me a hand out of the rabbit hole

[snowglobe]

A couple of examples of focusing on yourself first.

Snowglobes Husband walks in and says"why hasn't Contractor X been to look at this thing?"

Snowglobe focuses on herself first.    Asks herself,  is this something  I need to take care of?    Do I need to do something right now?  How is this going to fit into my day?

Snowglobe answers Husband "gee I don't know,  I can check on that later."

Husband yells,  "that's not acceptable "

And snowglobe walks away and disconnects from the drama.


More complicated example.    Husband is on day 4 of the silent treatment.    Snowglobe is upset, BUT,  takes responsibility for Only Her emotions and increases her self care and self soothing activities.

Does that help?

Last one is tremendous help, I will keep on repeating it to myself in my head all day

[formflier]

    Snowglobe is upset, BUT,  takes responsibility for Only Her emotions and increases her self care and self soothing activities.

 

What I say now is that I enjoy my marriage immensely...up until the point it's not enjoyable, then I go do something else for a while. 

After a while I sniff around and "stick my toe in the water".  If I like the "temp" I'm back in the mode of enjoying my marriage. 

If you notice..my focus is about me deciding to do what's best for my health.  I don't spend much time sorting out what's going on with my wife.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

What I say now is that I enjoy my marriage immensely...up until the point it's not enjoyable, then I go do something else for a while. 

After a while I sniff around and "stick my toe in the water".  If I like the "temp" I'm back in the mode of enjoying my marriage. 

If you notice..my focus is about me deciding to do what's best for my health.  I don't spend much time sorting out what's going on with my wife.

Best,

FF

Ff, I appreciate this kind of approach and illustration. Since you are still married, and even enjoying your marriage, something you are doing seems to be working. I need to pick your brain regarding something. Imagine this, the very therapist I’m trying to get to, happens to be one of my profs in the past. He has a long wait list, does lots of travel, he is well renounced, has overwhelming credentials and expertise. He wrote many books on the subject relevant to bpd and high conflict relationships. He also corresponded with me over time, since I was exceptionally active during my course. He has agreed to meet next week, but also informed me of the class reunion and asked me to come. There is nothing unusual in meeting with the professor and the cohort. We both agreed that since I’m no longer his student, we never went into personal details, there is no conflict of the interest or unethical breach. He wants to meet with the class to see who went where for the post grad. Since he wrote one of my many recommendation letters when I tried to get into masters, he might ask me to network with other students in order to help and share the details of the program. No big deal. The problem that I am foreseeing- the networking is on Saturday, after dark (he keeps Shabbat). I never leave on the weekend by myself, without the kids or sound alibi. I am concerned that this will cause a major earthquake on top of what I am already dealing with. How do I approach it? Do I inform unpdh before hand and offer for him to come, and if or when he declines I will know I informed him and paid my dues. Or, do I just go? My wise mind is telling me that it is not so wise, but I don’t want to miss this opportunity to meet with the prof, ask him more questions regarding my own therapy and see my fellow cohort. How do I “dip my toes” in a safe manner, when ubpdh is doing the silent treatment.
P.s. I’m doing lots of caretaking and self soothing, thank you   

[babyducks]

Is there a reason for your husband to go to this event?    Is it a social event?  Will there be other spouses there?

Or is it more of a networking professional event with people connected to your field of study?

[Notwendy]

Where is this meeting and who else will be there?

Is this part of a reunion weekend? It makes sense if he wants to get together on Sat night while everyone is at the weekend. If this is a large group situation in a public place, it seems OK to me.

If not, then Sat night is an odd time to meet.

While I don't advocate holding yourself back from your goals, a Sat night meeting might not be the first thing to try with your H. A business meeting at lunchtime seems safer.

However, if this is a reunion weekend and you wanted to go, I would find a female classmate to go with.

It was hard for me to travel for work. My H did get jealous and didn't help- he'd refuse to watch the kids and things like that. I also didn't like to travel alone. I would ask another female colleague to go with me. It made it easier. The few times I brought H and the kids to a work related meeting were a mess. It was a set up for issues. If I want to do something like this, I go with a friend who also wants to be there.

I think it's good to step out. The first thing our MC told me to do was to go to 12 step codependency meetings. It was difficult for me to leave in the evenings. The reason my H acted out is that he had a fear I would "meet someone and leave him". He didn't express it though, just acted out and made things difficult. But this time, he had to let me go because the MC "prescribed" it.

These fears are not rational. I have not ever cheated or given him reason to worry. Nor do I want to.

However, I went and in time, he got used to it. I went to meeting and didn't meet someone and leave. But first, I had to change- I had to stop fearing his reaction and do things I needed to do. I had to trust my own ethics. If I'm not cheating - a fear doesn't change that. I had to persevere and let the fears diminish.

Your H won't like it if you go, because he will feel out of control. However, as long as you are doing nothing wrong, whatever he feels is his issue. But I would make sure this is safe, and supervised and in a group situation. I would find it hard to imagine a man who is this observant would also not have safeguards in place- some orthodox men don't even shake hands with women. But you don't want to find yourself in an awkward situation. Find out more details, and if you go, go with a classmate.

[snowglobe]

Is there a reason for your husband to go to this event?    Is it a social event?  Will there be other spouses there?

Or is it more of a networking professional event with people connected to your field of study?

It’s informal meeting with the prof, who is recruiting for his research assistants and tries to help former students to get into the field. Some people are bringing their +1, so I won’t stand out. The problem that I foresee is ubpdh refining to accompany me just to punish me, and then being vengeful if I go without him

[snowglobe]

Where is this meeting and who else will be there?

Is this part of a reunion weekend? It makes sense if he wants to get together on Sat night while everyone is at the weekend. If this is a large group situation in a public place, it seems OK to me.

If not, then Sat night is an odd time to meet.

While I don't advocate holding yourself back from your goals, a Sat night meeting might not be the first thing to try with your H. A business meeting at lunchtime seems safer.

However, if this is a reunion weekend and you wanted to go, I would find a female classmate to go with.

It was hard for me to travel for work. My H did get jealous and didn't help- he'd refuse to watch the kids and things like that. I also didn't like to travel alone. I would ask another female colleague to go with me. It made it easier. The few times I brought H and the kids to a work related meeting were a mess. It was a set up for issues. If I want to do something like this, I go with a friend who also wants to be there.

I think it's good to step out. The first thing our MC told me to do was to go to 12 step codependency meetings. It was difficult for me to leave in the evenings. The reason my H acted out is that he had a fear I would "meet someone and leave him". He didn't express it though, just acted out and made things difficult. But this time, he had to let me go because the MC "prescribed" it.

These fears are not rational. I have not ever cheated or given him reason to worry. Nor do I want to.

However, I went and in time, he got used to it. I went to meeting and didn't meet someone and leave. But first, I had to change- I had to stop fearing his reaction and do things I needed to do. I had to trust my own ethics. If I'm not cheating - a fear doesn't change that. I had to persevere and let the fears diminish.

Your H won't like it if you go, because he will feel out of control. However, as long as you are doing nothing wrong, whatever he feels is his issue. But I would make sure this is safe, and supervised and in a group situation. I would find it hard to imagine a man who is this observant would also not have safeguards in place- some orthodox men don't even shake hands with women. But you don't want to find yourself in an awkward situation. Find out more details, and if you go, go with a classmate.

Wendy, it’s a large group in a public place, 10+ students, some bringing significant other. You are describing  my ubpdh, he gets jealous, resentful and then vengeful. I don’t want to rock my already shaky situation. Offered him to come. He says he doesn’t see the need, since he sees that I am doing fine. I replied that I am not fine, I did not want him to leave the family bed, I don’t like him being away and it would be nice if he came. Let’s see what happens next

[babyducks]

Offered him to come. He says he doesn’t see the need, since he sees that I am doing fine. I replied that I am not fine, I did not want him to leave the family bed, I don’t like him being away and it would be nice if he came.

very much seems to me that by conflating these two topics,  by mixing these two topics together, you raised the emotional temperature and the emotional pressure on him.   which does not feel like a good idea.   it returns to the focus/attention to him and what he is or is not doing.     the message is you are not fine because of something he isn't doing.    it gives all the power to him.    also not a good idea.'

if the focus was on you,  your emotions,  and your ability to manage your own emotions, you could be looking for ways to 1) cope with your own feelings about the martial bed, 2) allow him to make his own decisions.

Focus on yourself first.  Your husband goes way down on the list.  The feelings you have were not/are not "because" of  silent treatment or "because" of your husband.  They are YOUR feelings.

No one can make you feel something.    No one can force you to feel something.  The feelings we have in response  to any event or situation come from our attitudes and prespectives.

If some one calls me a nasty name on the street,   I only feel bad about it if I allow  myself too.     I feel bad if I give that person too much emotional power in my life.   I feel bad if I don't have enough self esteem and self regard to self validate.    I feel bad if I fixate on that person and that nasty name.    I feel bad if I believe that person is correct,...

[Notwendy]

After I wrote my post and thought about it, I don't know if you are ready to step out and do this reunion. I think it's a good thing for you if you do it, but I wonder if you are so enmeshed that the feelings and reaction on your H's part would be more than you are ready for.

It's one step at a time. One of the first things I learned was to manage my own feelings during the silent treatment. I had help from a sponsor. She was gracious enough to allow me to call her during this time and help me to manage my feelings. Once I could do this, I was able to manage my feelings better when my H was upset.

Also, I was not in physical or financial danger. My H did not physically hurt me or threaten to cut off necessities to me or the kids. Thankfully, I was not dealing with danger or a situation as volatile as your H. However, I was that co-dependent that I gave up doing things I liked, or hid who I was to try to not upset him. Eventually I did do things like go to a reunion and was able to manage my feelings if my H was upset.

Do you see a commonality here snowglobe? Our H's are different, but I have to manage co-dependency too. Learning to deal with this was my job- and it was causing issues in my marriage. The good news is if it is ours to deal with, we can work on it.

If you are not able to manage sleeping in a different bed than your H- this may be a step ahead of going to a reunion. I don't think it is a good idea to not do things out of fear, but if there is real danger such as him becoming violent, than that is an issue to deal with first. The problem though is that dealing with violence or potential violence involves exposing him, and calling 911- and pressing charges if he is - and I don't know if you are ready for that too.

There are many married people who have spent an occasional night not sleeping in the same bed. Military families spend long times apart. Over the course of a marriage, a spouse might spend the night in another bed for many reasons: snoring, someone has a cold and is coughing and waking the other one up, a new baby. One business trip, reunion, and even deployment does not break up a marriage.

You may feel trapped but I think the way out of this kind of trap is through working on your part in it. It is one step at a time. The first step is to learn to self soothe. It's interesting that we talk about pw BPD not being able to self soothe but neither are their enabling partners. They are both equally enmeshed in this sense. The pwBPD soothes themselves by acting out and projecting their feelings. The enabling partner soothes their fears by controlling and managing the other person's feelings. It's a match. To break this pattern, the enabling partner needs to be able to deal with their own feelings, manage their own fears and let the pwBPD manage theirs.

It's baby steps- sometimes one step forward, one backward, then two steps forward. If you are willing to work on this- with a 12 step sponsor, or your counselor, then self management is attainable.

[formflier]

   I feel bad if I believe that person is correct,...

Very powerful...

or if you spend time figuring out if they are correct.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Very powerful...

or if you spend time figuring out if they are correct.

Best,

FF

I do believe the nasty words he says about me. Why? Simple, because they are so internalized within me over the years. I am not placing blame, but weeding it out is overwhelming and exhausting

[Notwendy]

You can work on this snowglobe.

Just because someone says something about you doesn't make it true.

This is boundaries. When someone says something about us, we can filter it through our own boundary. Is it true or not? We don't have to believe it just because someone says it.

If I told you that you were a pink elephant, would you believe me? Would you even consider it? I hope not, because you have a boundary. You know you are a human, not an elephant. I could call you an elephant all day long and it would not change the fact that you know you are a human.

To work on this with your H, you need to focus on yourself- develop a sense of self. This is probably lacking due to how you were raised and your marriage. But it isn't out of your reach to work on this. This is something you can work on- since it is you learning about who you are, not focusing on how your H feels about you. Your H does not have the right to define who you are ( and also vice versa).

To get better at this- you need to take the focus off him and on you. You have tried to be who you think he wants you to be, but that doesn't tell you who you are.

It's baby steps snowglobe.  You see yourself in relation to others. You are your kids' mother, your H's wife, your mother's daughter. But you are also YOU and it's time you get to know the person you are.

When your H says something about you, instead- think "pink elephant". That will make you stop and think.

Then start to decide who you are. What you like to do, what you like to wear ( not what he picks). Do little things- go to a restaurant by yourself- eat whatever you want. Learn about your heritage. Go buy yourself a book you like. What movie do you want to see? ( not one he picks).

You may be married but you are both still individual people with your own likes, dislikes, feelings. Once you are secure with who you are, what someone else says doesn't change that.

[Cat Familiar]

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