Awe moonlight I’m so sorry! I’m in the same boat as you... and honestly , I was an ex dancer so I do look like a pornstar and believe me when I say, it’s always going to be something ... whether it’s you’re not hot enough or too hot for him ... mine always accused me of looking elsewhere because I’m a “hoe” and used to being a “hoe” and I’ll always be a liar an always want other men (not true at all). Honestly last two weeks without him have been hard at first but very very peaceful. So when he texted me yesterday to try and bring me a gift he made me next week (no apology nothing), I refused.
I’m not over anything he’s done yet and honestly I’m not sure I ever will be unless he enters therapy.
You will be at a place like this too where you feel so much peace that you can decide for yourself what your limit is etc.
I’m still undecided but right now , I’m happy alone , without him.
I was in the exact same boat as you... starting to become angry and resentful near the end which wasn’t me at all... I couldn’t not defend myself etc I couldn’t be a good partner for a bpd . I used to be so patient so kind so understanding but eventually the accusations , abuse etc got to me.
I started to feel “enough is enough” and started snapping back a bit . Defending myself and let me tell you. Wen this happened the fights got worse then I got accused of being “selfish” and “only caring about myself.”
Then the accusations turned from bits of truth to total and complete made up confabulation from his end .
My therapist even told me the same thing she said I looked drained and I must be exhausted constantly trying to defend myself ... he would take my weaknesses and use them against me.
I’d cry all the time about how unhappy I was at my dancing job near the end (where he met me)... and how I missed my parents not only emotionally but the financial support they helped me with... and he would hold me but later use these against me fully knowing my weakness , he would attack me saying how I “love my job” and how I “love money and I’ll never stop”?
Total OPPOSITE of the things I said when I cried ?
This is what it felt like for me in my entire r/s with him... always him twisting my weaknesses around and me having to defend myself because it’s hurtful having someone take your weakness , trust them with it , then use it against you when they’re hurt (imaginative or real).
So yeah... I honestly highly recommend you take this time for self care to yourself . Maybe ignore or block him for a bit ? Tell him you’re going to take some space to “think” if he messages you to ask for you back. Then see how you feel.
Just take some time for yourself right now ... you deserve it! That’s what I’m doing and I feel much better already!
whether or not I want to go back , I’m not sure yet . Still undecided . Don’t get me wrong ... lots of bits of my bf when he was in a good mood we’re amazing and fine ... but I’m not sure if it’s enough for me to overcome the bad.
