Is This The Beginning of Dementia? Very Weird Even For Her

[TelHill]

I was going to my car to drive alone from my parents' home to my place this morning. I had an appointment and had to leave. Mom knew yesterday she was staying home and was well-behaved until 5 minutes before departure. My mom was certain she was going with me. I said she couldn't as I would not be returning for a day. She screamed for 5 minutes what a horrible daughter I was, I hated her, etc. The usual stuff we all know. I repeated I have to leave and I'll see you soon.

It gets weird where she followed me to my car after I got in. I was parked on the street. She started knocking on the passenger window with both fists screaming at me to let her in. I shook my head no. I pointed to the houses to remind  her she was in public. She would not let up. I put the car slightly in forward to warn her to step back. She stepped closer and I honked my horn. It startled her enough to step away.  I slowly went forward away from her to make certain I would not hit her and leave.

I am still speechless. I will make an appointment with her doctor tomorrow to test for dementia.

Has anyone experienced a sudden spike in even more bold and over the top behavior in a parent's elderly years?  She acted like someone on crystal meth.

Thanks for any insight!

[Harri]

Hi.

It is hard to tell if it is dementia.  Sometimes elderly people can exhibit strange (or stranger) behaviors when they have an infection, and this is seen a lot with urinary tract infections. 

Regardless, a medical evaluation is in order so I am glad you plan on that.  Were you able to set up an evaluation?

[Turkish]

Were you able to make the appointment?

When I picked up my mom to take her to live with us, her NP tested her for dementia. My mom scored high, but high enough to qualify. Obviously, the NP thought it or she wouldn't have tested my mom.  The BPD, PTSD, and Depression were also in play, contributing to how my mom ended up at the clinic.

Over a year later, my mother got to a state where she couldn't function high enough to keep herself safe, and she was basically committed to a nursing home with 24/7 watch and care.  They just diagnosed her with dementia. By that point they may have been right. 

When she was living with us for few months, she was mostly ok, except when she got in my face and called me a liar. Then just before she left, she got into my face and threatened me with a lawyer for stealing her truck. I calmed her down and I saw her pupils dilate. It kind of scared me.  She also accused me of keeping her prisoner (She told the neighbors I kidnapped her), and accused me of stealing her money.  Crimes of criminal elder abuse.  Stealing her money was actually investigated by the Adult Protective Services social worker. 

Keep yourself safe and don't let this situation turn on you for the worse. 

[TelHill]

Thanks, Turkish and Harri!

She won't go to the doctor, even if I make the appointment. Her next yearly Medicare checkup isn't until March 2020. I will be the sneaky daughter, and spill the beans to the doctor.

I am back here this evening. She was calm until I mentioned the doctor. A bunch of put downs and then the silent treatment.  I like the silent treatment a lot.

Turkish, yes, I see what you are saying about things turning on me. I'll be careful. I've been thrown under the bus by each family member. I'm keeping logs and keeping track. It feels like my old job when I had a terrible supervisor. I kept incident records then in case I needed to go to HR.

[Turkish]

 On the one hand, it's good that there is advococy for the elderly. , as there are adult kids who mistreat their parents.  On the other hand, we need to be safe as kids from false accusations. Thankfully,  the APS agent was sympathetic to the dynamic, much more than I had anticipated. 

[TelHill]

Good to know, Turkish. The downside of being materialistic for my brother is that he's counting on receiving a portion of my parents' house when they pass. He needs the money.  You can't be spending like a drunken sailor with his salary and the high expenses he has. It's expensive to be a showoff. Something has to give.

I'm encouraging my parents to sell their home or take a reverse mortgage if they need specialized care. I don't need the inheritance. I thought ahead as a young adult to take care of myself financially. I believed my parents would disown me given my "permanent" NC back then.

My brother has given hints that he's watching what I do. That's the main reason I am doing BIFF with him. I am disgusted with his behavior. Yes, he grew up with a BPD parent. There comes a time when that may be irrelevant. One has the choice to be a sincere and honest person, or one who chooses the opposite path.

[Notwendy]

It's hard to know if it is dementia or exaggerations of BPD due to aging, stress, etc.

I have tried to intervene as my parents got older for their best interests too. Any inheritance isn't even a consideration - it would be to use their assets for my mother's care ( my father is deceased).

She will have none of that. She needs to be in complete control. I naively tried to get my parents to go to a continuing care community where my father could get the assistance he needed as his health situation got worse.

But they would have none of that. If my mother were in any kind of assisted living, she would not have the level of control she wants. She does have some control over her home helpers as she is able to manipulate them to some extent.

My parents did not disclose that it was my mother's issues that prevented them from considering assistance. They just got angry at me, and it was hurtful.

I called social services as I was concerned for my parents, and they had a very insightful reply- so long as my father met criteria for legally competent, he was "legally competent to make his own bad decisions"

Basically, no matter what your mother decides, if she could pass the legal standards for mentally competent, she is a legal adult and in charge of her own decisions.

Do what you feel you can do, but know that, the dysfunction may be underlying your parents' decisions. For my father, he was invested in protecting my mother. If they were in assisted living, the staff would probably see her behaviors and also not tolerate them.

Neighbors and extended family are concerned about my mother being on her own. They don't know that it is due to her own choice.

I wish you the best with this- it isn't easy. I think it's apparent that we do care for our mothers and want the best for them, but I think this also comes from our desire to have a normal mother-daughter relationship. My friends are involved with their elderly parents' care. I was willing to do that too. But this also means an open and honest assessment of what is needed and a parent trusting the child will do what is best for them. But our situations are different.

[TelHill]

It's hard to know if it is dementia or exaggerations of BPD due to aging, stress, etc.

I have tried to intervene as my parents got older for their best interests too. Any inheritance isn't even a consideration - it would be to use their assets for my mother's care ( my father is deceased).

Do what you feel you can do, but know that, the dysfunction may be underlying your parents' decisions. For my father, he was invested in protecting my mother.

I wish you the best with this- it isn't easy. I think it's apparent that we do care for our mothers and want the best for them, but I think this also comes from our desire to have a normal mother-daughter relationship. My friends are involved with their elderly parents' care. I was willing to do that too. But this also means an open and honest assessment of what is needed and a parent trusting the child will do what is best for them. But our situations are different.

Yes, they are different for sure and appreciate your input, notwendy. They are afraid of the honest and open assessment-- easier to control their situation.  My brother runs from it so he can run to the bank after my parents pass away.  He's also looking to paint me as a cruel care giver towards that purpose.  I'm sure everyone is sick of my complaining, but it's pretty nasty stuff to chase the money so blatantly.

I went to a couple places yesterday/today and back to my place for a few hours. No chasing my car at all. Believe it may be stress. There's a big family get-together next Saturday and no one wants to go. I asked my bpd mom. She said that is what is stressing her out. She wants to stay home.