Weekend Incident

[Hall868]

I don't even know where to begin. My mother has BPD, and it has been an up and down relationship most of my life. Instead of going into all the background stuff, I just had a situation that happened with her this past weekend that I need get off my chest. I do have a therapist and I am seeing her tomorrow. Saturday I received a phone call from my mom stating that my brother and her were arguing (which is all the time now since he moved to the same town I live in which is 4 hours away from her) and that he told her that I told him that I don't want my daughter around her because she is a crazy drunk b****. I told her that I did not say those things, because I didn't, and she continued to accuse me of doing so. I have been trying to practice my boundaries with her, so when I realized that she was beyond the point of thinking rationally I told her I had to go, and we could discuss this when she calms down. She of course hangs up on me. She continued to call me back to back, and I eventually turned my phone off since I was out with my husband and young daughter trying to enjoy a family trip to the rodeo. When I came home I turned my phone on and I had over 20 missed calls, 7 voicemails, and numerous text messages. I received a call from my brother. He was screaming at the top of his lungs saying that our mom drove 4 hours down here, and hit him in the head with a shovel. So, me being the "fixer" drove to his house while my oldest daughter and husband was calling 911 for medical assistance, but it became clear to me that he was fine when I arrived at his house. He just had a knot on his head, and he was refusing to be treated. But, the cops of course showed up. My mom was gone before I got there, and the cops kept wanting to know where she was which we didn't know. I actually talked to her the day after, but she is refusing to take responsibility of her actions, says she has broken ribs, fingers, a concussion, and that she spent the night in the ER. She is livid at me for not taking her phone calls and I feel sick to my stomach because my oldest daughter and husband were the ones that called 911 and she says she has a warrant out for her arrest because of this incident. I guess I am worried about her finding out that it was them. She hates my husband and this will add more fuel to the fire. My brother is refusing to press charges, but I am assuming the state can pick up the case but I don't know. Sorry if this post seems all over the place, but my mind is all over the place and I am trying not to worry about all of this, and it is hard for me to do that.

[formflier]

I'm so sorry for the weekend you experienced.  I'm glad you have found this place, because we "get it". 

We get the crazy things that can happen AND we understand some of the (FOG) Fear Obligation and Guilt thinking that we "nons" do as we try to sort out all of these irrational things.

I'm also very glad that you have a therapist that can help you in an "in person" setting.

I want to commend you on your boundaries!  Turning off your phone to "place value" on your family was an awesome choice for you.  I hope you still feel that way in hindsight.

How do you feel about your brother no wanting to press charges?  What message do you think that will send your mom about her actions?

Again...I'm glad you are here and I'll check back soon to see if you replied. 

Best,

FF

[Hall868]

To tell you the truth, I don't know how I feel about him not wanting to press charges. I know that with him not doing so, it will happen again and she will just view it as her getting away with it. This isn't the first time she has done this. My brother and her had a problem back in April that ended with her in jail, and he didn't press charges then either, which resulted in the charges being dropped. When she got out, she was upset with me because I didn't bail her out, and she tried to blame everything on my brother. The two of them shouldn't be around each other because her and my brother both have major anger issues, especially when alcohol is involved. For me, just thinking about my brother pressing charges makes me very anxious. I don't know what the fall out of that would be.

[formflier]

I know that with him not doing so, it will happen again and she will just view it as her getting away with it.

This isn't the first time she has done this.

 

Very astute analysis of the situation. 

Do you feel like your Mom and your brother (one or both) want you to "take sides" in whatever is going on between them?

Can you spend some time reading this article on bpdfamily?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I would recommend you read it a few times.  Perhaps take notes about how you think it may apply to your current situation and the role you choose to have in this conflict.

 

Best,

FF

[TelHill]

I’m so sorry this happened to you.  My mom has bpd. And it is so difficult to know what to do when they act out.

Don’t know if your brother would be willing to press charges if it meant she would go to court-ordered anger management classes and mandatory rehab for alcohol addiction.  Most courts want to help rehab offenders. They may be willing to help an older woman with mental illness & alcoholism.

Thinking good thoughts for you!  

[Hall868]

Mom always wants me to side with her no matter what, and my brother really doesn't care either way. I try not to take sides, and ultimately end up playing Switzerland when they start going at it. Being Switzerland probably isn't the healthiest thing to do though. It's taking a toll on me.

Thanks for the article recommendation. I really look forward to reading it, and really trying to apply it to my situation.

[Hall868]

TelHill,
My brother will not press charges no matter what. That's just how he is on it. Maybe he is scared, and to tell you the truth I think I would feel the same way. My mom has been through court ordered anger management before... she literally thought it was a joke, and it didn't help her mainly because she wasn't serious about it. In her mind she doesn't have a problem, it's everyone else.   

[formflier]

TelHill,
My brother will not press charges no matter what. 

Is it fair to say that your Mom won't change (explicitly has said that) and your brother won't change (has he explicitly said that?)?

That leaves?

Best,

FF

[Hall868]

I have pretty much came to terms with the fact that my mother will never change, and she will flat out tell you that she will never put up with anyone's s*** and she is not going to do the "dog and pony show" acting like someone she's not.

My brother... He has said "I am what I am" several times, and will let you know he will never back down, and that is including with mom.

I know what it leaves. It leaves me with trying to stay with my boundaries and let them handle their problems without me trying to fix it or them. At least that's what I think I am left with. I am still a work in progress though.

[formflier]

I know what it leaves. It leaves me with trying to stay with my boundaries and let them handle their problems without me trying to fix it or them. At least that's what I think I am left with. I am still a work in progress though.

Again.  Very astute!

After you read that article and reflect on your actions (and what you know about your family), would there be anything you would have changed about your actions over the weekend?

Switching gears.  What do you do for self care when these kind of stressful events happen?

Best,

FF

[Harri]

Hi  

I know what it leaves. It leaves me with trying to stay with my boundaries and let them handle their problems without me trying to fix it or them. At least that's what I think I am left with. I am still a work in progress though.

You've got it!  I think we are all works in progress, I know I am.  Changing roles we've has all our life and the coping skills we have learned takes time and effort but it is worth it.

Are you familiar with the idea of drama triangles?  Triangulation occurs even in healthy relationships and can actually help stabilize thing.   With a drama triangle, triangulation is aimed more at getting people to take sides which escalates and spreads the conflict around.  The idea is to recognize when you are participating in a drama triangle and then moving to the center where you are not taking on a role of victim, persecutor or rescuer.  We have an excellent article here on the Escaping conflict: Karpman Drama Triangle that I think you might benefit by reading.   There is a more in-depth article called The Three Faces of Victim which is also a good follow up once you read about the Karpman drama triangle.  

Sorry to hit you with so many articles links.  You can read them as you have time and energy.  Then let's talk about them.

[Hall868]

FF,

I have read the article, but want to reread it again as you suggested. I think I shouldn't have ran over there to tell you the truth. I put myself in the middle of their drama because that's what I have always done. You know, try to defuse the situation, and figure out a reasonable solution. Which is funny thinking about it, because they don't listen. Like I said I am still learning, and it's hard to change the way you respond when you have done it a certain way for so long.

When these things happen now I try to remind myself I can not fix it. I just started therapy back in July which is a big help, so when this situation happened, I called my therapist to get a sooner appointment. If there is anything else you would suggest for dealing with the guilt I feel, I am all ears.

[Hall868]

Harri,

I am not familiar with drama triangles. I will read these articles too! Thank you so much!

[formflier]

I think I shouldn't have ran over there to tell you the truth. I put myself in the middle of their drama because that's what I have always done.

You know, try to defuse the situation, and figure out a reasonable solution.
 

More FF commendations coming your way!  Keep up the good work!

Yet, I'm not "just" interested in changing what you do.  Wouldn't it be wise for you to understand "why" that is a better option (perhaps the best option)

Wait..FF can predict the future.  After reading the articles Harri provided, I suspect you will have a "lightbulb moment". *lightbulb*

 If there is anything else you would suggest for dealing with the guilt I feel, I am all ears.

Well, I can certainly understand the guilt.  I would suspect there are many other intense emotions as well.

My question was more about what you do to show yourself that you are valuable (because you are!).

What does self care look like right now?

Best,

FF

[Hall868]

FF,

The reason why I tend to get involved is because I feel obligated to try and fix it. I am going to have to revisit that though. It is definitely something I should think about.

As far as self care... that's a hard one. I mean I go to therapy for myself, I will try to take time to go do girly things, and I crochet/craft (which is therapy to me too. Ha!). As I am thinking about it now, I do allot for others rather than myself. And for some reason I will feel guilty for having a good time when these situations happen. It's funny I never realized that before now.

[TelHill]

My brother... He has said "I am what I am" several times, and will let you know he will never back down, and that is including with mom.

I know what it leaves. It leaves me with trying to stay with my boundaries and let them handle their problems without me trying to fix it or them. At least that's what I think I am left with. I am still a work in progress though.

My brother is not saying this explicitly, but he’s acting on this. I’m with you. I am learning to set boundaries and letting them deal with their own issues. I’m into minding my own business and slowly retiring from the people fixing business.

It is taking me time to practice this good stuff.