Headed back into the fire again...

[mama-wolf]

About 16 months ago, I walked into (and eventually through) the fire of separation from uBPDxw.  I'm still burned, making very slow progress in healing because I am still exposed to those flames frequently while I try to help and protect our kids as best I can.

Unfortunately, in spite of my efforts, my kids are suffering more.  uBPDxw has proven over the past year that our current custody arrangement is really not in their best interests.  She is just not capable of the kind of change that's necessary...even after an intensive outpatient treatment program where she attended group therapy 10 days straight, six hours a day, and had six weeks of follow-up sessions.  Her impulsive behavior and inability to recognize and respect boundaries is just out of control.  She is better at recognizing things after the fact and apologizing for them, but she can't stop causing the damage in the first place. 

The continuous damage-repair-damage-repair cycle is just not something the kids should have to suffer through.  It's manifesting in a slide towards an eating disorder for D10.  We're not there yet, but there are body image issues and other behaviors that can get us there very quickly.  And S6 has started obsessively rearranging his room and has soiled his pants three times in the past month.

So here comes the fire of a custody battle.  It's a fire that I willingly walk through for their sake, but it burns just the same.

I feel like I should have seen it and known that she wasn't going to be able to step up when we were going through the separation.  I knew that I couldn't possibly stay with her, but I really hoped that she could somehow find a way to do (and be) what the kids needed.

Intellectually, I also knew I didn't have a leg to stand on with the courts to push for anything other than 50/50 custody at the time.  And my T has tried to help me with my guilt over the impact the last year+ has had on the kids.  She confirmed she thinks it would have been a losing battle to push for more custody since there was no documented history of abuse, neglect, etc. at the time.  But now with the parent coordinator and family therapist who have been involved with the case for over a year, maybe I have a chance to make things better for the kids.

I have posted over in the family law board about the process itself.  My purpose here I guess is to try to work through the ongoing guilt, despair, frustration, etc.  It's hard to see myself as a good parent when I have "let" this happen to my kids.  And obviously the increased exposure to uBPDxw's rage, indignation, and general behavior is going to be absolute hell.

mw

[Harri]

Hi mama wolf

Intellectually, I also knew I didn't have a leg to stand on with the courts to push for anything other than 50/50 custody at the time.

I agree.  Yes, knowing something intellectually is far different from knowing it emotionally.

My purpose here I guess is to try to work through the ongoing guilt, despair, frustration, etc.  It's hard to see myself as a good parent when I have "let" this happen to my kids.  And obviously the increased exposure to uBPDxw's rage, indignation, and general behavior is going to be absolute hell.

"Let this happen to your kids"?  Nope.  Look at the facts.  You did what you could with the information you had at the time and the behaviors on hand.  Now that you have more info, you are able to do more.  
Guilt, as I learned from my T and my own experiences and thinking about things, serves as a ways of giving me the illusion of having control when in fact I have/had none.  Is your guilt a way for you to feel less helpless?  I mean helpless in terms of not being able to control your e4x, how the courts work etc.

Guilt as a means of control.

What do you think?  Does any of that resonate?

[zachira]

I don't know if what I have to say will be of any comfort. I was raised by a BPD mom and one of the long list of scapegoats in an extended family. There are so many adults while I was growing up who were kind to me, and it even made a difference when a caring adult gave me just five minutes of their time to validate my feelings. As a caring mother, of course you are distressed to see how your children are suffering and worrying about whether you can get more custody, and you know full well your ex partner will put you and your children through the wringer. While you work on getting more custody, you can continue to provide the caring home for your children that you are providing now. Is there any way that you could get the time spent now with the children's other mother to be supervised by court order? I do think in some cases where there is proof of child abuse, that emergency supervised visitation can be ordered by a judge and/or the children can be removed from the home of the abusing parent until custody can be reevaluated. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and wishing for the best outcome for you and your children.

[mama-wolf]

Hi Harri,

You did what you could with the information you had at the time and the behaviors on hand.  Now that you have more info, you are able to do more.

Yes, but this is back to that intellectual vs. emotional knowledge.  I can analyze the hell out of what happened and what choices I made and can tell myself exactly what you just said.  But I still get caught in the whirlpool of failing my kids and now they're suffering the consequences.  It does help to know that I am taking action now...it's just going to take a lot of work to accept that I didn't (and couldn't) take action sooner.

Guilt as a means of control.

What do you think?  Does any of that resonate?

Yes, it does...a lot.  So much easier to beat myself up for failure to do what I should have done than it is to accept that there was nothing I could have done any differently.  Helplessness is so much worse.

While you work on getting more custody, you can continue to provide the caring home for your children that you are providing now.

Thank you, zachira!  It does provide some comfort to be reminded that I can still have a positive influence on the kids while we're going through the custody battle.

Unfortunately, I don't think uBPDxw's behavior has been extreme enough in the eyes of a court for them to agree to emergency supervised visitation or anything along those lines.  I think it's going to take actual review of evidence and testimony of a clinical professional to get them to make a chance to the existing order.  But, I could be wrong...I'm waiting on the latest from my L as far as how she plans to approach it.

Each time the kids come back to my house after visiting her, it's getting harder.  D6 had another accident in his pants on Monday evening while we were all just standing around in the kitchen talking.  So I almost broke down entirely by Tuesday evening, because on top of that it was the second night in a row that D10 tried to skip dinner.  She kept making the excuse of not being hungry.  Knowing how close she is to developing an eating disorder, it almost undid me.  She ended up eating a reasonable amount the night before, but I barely managed to convince her (in a non-pressuring way, trying to make a rational case for having enough fuel in her system for the exercise she wanted to do) to eat a light dinner.

My T has been encouraging me to stay in the moment.  Focus on what I can do now, and remind myself that the action I am taking is what's best for the kids (and endorsed by the multiple professionals involved in the case).  I just know it's going to devastate and mortify uBPDxw.  I don't so much care anymore about her feeling those feelings...it's more trepidation over what behavior that's going to push her into, and how much I'll be exposed to it.

mw

[mama-wolf]

Quick update that the Motion did get filed on Friday as I was hoping, and uBPDxw and her L were notified via email (with a copy dropped in the mail as well). 

The kids and I actually had a pretty good weekend.  Both still show the distressing behaviors to some degree, and they had some of the standard arguing between the two of them, but nothing off the rails.  Complete radio silence from uBPDxw over the weekend, which is as it should be but it still feels ominous.

We have a family therapy session this Thursday.  I'm really not sure what to expect, but at least I see my T tomorrow.

Also, I did not know this until I got the final paperwork back, but apparently now we have to attend a Custody Orientation together at the court on the 20th of this month.  No one else can come with us...no family members, no attorneys, etc.  I'm sure my anxiety is going to be terrible for that.

mw