Feeing lost

[Poppypops]

Hi there
My partner (ex Partner?) has BPD traits and his mother was diagnosed with BPD.
It has been a struggle for 5 years and it’s taken a long time to slower understand what might be going on. We have two boys aged almost 2 and almost 4. My partner moved out a years ago and we’ve tried several variations of making things work. We haven’t done too badly considering and our boys are happy and mostly protected from most of the issues. That has been stressful in itself.
I have been getting caught up in my partners moods most times he has been at my home. We tried spending a nigh each week together and each time there was a mood or anger about something small which spoiled the visit. The other day a friend stayed to help us attend two medical appointments for our boys which were at the same time. He was moody and grumpy. My friend was upset. I felt caught in the middle but it helped me to realise just how hard it was to be around the toxic emotions so often. I told him I had to protect myself more and that I couldn’t allow this to go on. At first I said we couldn’t be a family anymore but then I said we could but I would not be able to be around the anger as I had been before. I was going crazy myself, literally.
Today he started to speak nastily about someone and to get angry. I said no, that needs to stop and he walked out.
I feel better that I could stop but he feels awful. I hope that eventually he will learn to not go into that state when he’s here but I think his thoughts are miles away from mine and he sees the situation really differently.
I don’t know but I do feel I have to take care of myself too.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Poppypops and welcome!

I congratulate you on being able to work out a system that works for your boys. That's not easy to do in non-BPD relationships!

You do have to take care of yourself. And being around the constant negativity and anger is extremely draining. I speak from experience. I've never actually been able to say to my H "Look, I love you and support you, but the negativity really gets to me and sometimes I just need a break."

My H and I had a discussion last night about how we process things differently. He reacts first with anger. I'm more cerebral and more calm and that frustrates him like crazy because he wants me to mirror him. But that would be a betrayal of who I am.

What sorts of things does he get moody and grumpy about? Does he have any particular triggers?