He messaged an escort while I was away with work...

[Moonlight93]

I don’t know what to do, I don’t deserve to be with someone who does this to me. I am struggling with my head soo so so much. I want to leave this toxic relationship but don’t know how. What extreme does it need to get to for me to walk? I love him. But I shouldn’t allow someone to walk all over me and treat me like crap.

One minute he’s buying £200 worth of flowers and romancing me. The next he is messaging women from an escort site because I was away with work for a couple of nights. Some of which he stayed up there with me. He found her messaged her but apparently didn’t follow through with it. What do I do? The fact he even messaged asking for prices is enough for me to feel sick

[secretgirl]

awe no! Do you think he meant for you to find it?

I'm sorry if it makes u feel any better... at least those women are professionals and they wont fall for your man at all. Only there for the $$.
But I get it... it's like my ex... met him as a dancer... then I quit for him then he always accused ME of cheating and the one time I questioned his fidelity of going back to where we met he LOST it... which was kind of odd to me? SO who knows if he lied to me or what? But it seems their hypocrisy is unending...
What do you want to do? You said you broke up with him right? (that was your last post).

[Lola B]

I am very sorry for this pain.

I think the intensity of being with a BPD is almost like a drug.  I might consider being prepared for loneliness and maybe going to Al-anon to learn how to regain oneself after being with someone that is similar in behavior. 

A therapist told me to do that although my mom was not alcoholic. It was the best advice I ever got. CODA (codependents anon) May be a better fit but my experience was that there wasn’t much recovery there. It was just a vent session.   

My vote is to exit, and remain single for at least 6 months.

Best of luck.

[Harri]

Did you talk to him about it?

[Moonlight93]

I have spoken to him about it and apparently it is fantasy therefore not cheating. I have now discovered he has been on multiple websites talking to over 30 women sending over 100s of messages. Making profiles with pictures he’s cut me out of which you can see. Oh I do not know how you can come back from something like that!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Moonlight-

I’m really sorry about this.  I just read your prior posts... about his accusations against you, and this sadly appears to be a pretty pure example of projection - whether he’s actually physically cheated yet or not.  He seems to be on the road toward doing what he’s accusing you of doing.

You did say he is a sex addict and you’re pretty worn out.  Is he addressing this issue in his therapy?

Does he consider what he’s doing to be “wrong”, or a problem at all?  If not, you’ve got to ask yourself what YOUR values are.  You’ll likely know your answer...

How long have you been in the relationship with your BPDbf, and you live together, correct?

Aside from the sexual issues, how are other aspects of the relationship?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

[Perdita]

I have spoken to him about it and apparently it is fantasy therefore not cheating.

This is how they will justify their behaviour and in the process make you appear crazy for being upset.  Mine tells me that he can go out with and talk to other women and that it's not cheating "as long as I'm not f**king them".  You're not crazy, Moonlight93.  You have a right to feel hurt and betrayed by his behaviour.

[Moonlight93]

@Gemsforeyes

He has said he has spoken in therapy about his sex addiction and she has said it feeds his anger which is why he snaps to 100% and breaks things. She has also said his libido is due to his age...he is 26 and according to him it hasn't lowered at all. He has cheated on ALL his previous girlfriends, watches a lot of porn and has up to 4 wanks a day...sex is exhausting. We were having it twice a day and I am tired especially with life in the way sometimes. I feel the moment I decline his offer politely he jumps on these daiting websites. I have found 3 of them, and seen messages where photos have been exchanged from him in OUR bed and some of the text he has written makes me feel sick. I don't understand how he could do this to me? I have been nothing but supportive, loyal, understanding and helpful even after finding out about his disorder.

We have been together 6 months and the condition only started showing after 2 months. We have lived together for 4 months.
It is incredibly hard to live with him sometimes. He often follows me around the house to see what I am doing and if I have my phone in my hand he will take it and go through it. I have no worries as I have nothing to hide...its just a reminder there is no trust. He constantly wants to spend time with me, which can be sweet but also I don't get a break and ME time. He can be good and helpful sometimes however others he just sits there and smokes weed all day...messaging girls online.

[Perdita]

I don't get a break and ME time. He can be good and helpful sometimes however others he just sits there and smokes weed all day...messaging girls online.

I can totally relate to not getting time to yourself.  I am hungry for me time. In my case I am left with the responsibility of the household while he goes out and enjoys himself (as he did over the weekend again).  He goes out, enjoys himself and by the time he gets back hours later I am honestly still on my feet doing house work the whole time.  When it comes to sex, I am then just not in the mood at all because I so much just want to be left alone to do something for myself even if it's just to sit down and do nothing but drink something cool.  What this comes down to is that our needs aren't taken into account.  

Mine also smokes weed practically non stop after work and over the weekends and messages his old crush and his ex and thinks I am too stupid to see them ping pong back and forth online.  I don't have advice. :-(  All I can say is that I read your posts and I understand your frustration.

BTW once someone acts in anyway on a fantasy, it is no longer a fantasy!  Your guy is acting on his fantasies!

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh Moonlight (and Perdita)...

He’s not doing this because he’s young... he’s doing this because he’s ill.  It’s who he is right now.  He needs focused sex addict therapy.  He’s not doing this to YOU, even though it sure as heck feels that way because you’re the one who’s dedicated to him.  You’re the one who’s paying the price for his bad behavior.  And that’s your choice, and your option.

He apparently cannot control himself.  And while you stay, you’re basically telling him you accept this behavior, all of it.  You don’t have to do that.  You can kindly exit for your own health and wellbeing...until he becomes healthy.

Moonlight, since this is the “Conflicted” board, I can say that you do have the option to leave this painful relationship for a time.  Let him do his therapy, and not allow his behavior to eat away at your self-worth any deeper.  And ask yourself if this is the type of man you’d choose as your husband, the father of your children?

Believe me, NOT all young men behave like this, even though they may have an elevated libido.  Your sexual peak is 35, yet you’re not “sniffing” out every man you can.  It doesn’t work like that.  I was young once and had young boyfriends.  And not once did any of them behave in this manner.  His issue is his problem; there’s no requirement that it be FORCED upon you.

This is a new relationship, and I just feel the damage to you, your heart and potentially your physical health will be long lasting if you don’t grab ‘hold of it and take care of yourself.

I’m sorry if I’m coming across as harsh, I don’t intend to, my friend.

Please think about this?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

  I don't understand how he could do this to me? 

Most likely he can do it because he is thinking he is "doing it for himself" and is likely not thinking about you at all.  (of course we'll never know for sure)

It appears to me that you put his needs first and he puts his needs first.   Do you think it might be time to prioritize some self care and put yourself first while you consider the status of your relationship.

It seems like these online things are core for him and you seem revolted by this behavior.  Any thoughts on how to reconcile these positions?

Best,

FF

[Moonlight93]

My bpd bf may not be my boyfriend any longer.
It’s been almost a week since I found the escort messages and swinger websites. I set limits on what he must do to stay with me and work on this and he keeps breaking them and testing the boundaries. He’s in therapy but I don’t know if he’s actually telling her everything AND he always arrives late. Today he was 20mins late...he so has a dialectic therapy book to work through but he doesn’t actually do it often enough or practice it.

I am so hurt and I feel like I am punishing him by tracking his location, his accounts, locking his phone and the internet down. AND asking him not to pleasure himself after all the horrible messages he sent to other women and men and lady boys. He really is lost and PLEASE READed in the head.

I can’t stop but feel like I want to hurt him how he did me. I am desperately trying to get him to realise the damage he has done to this relationship and how unless he owns his mistakes and is truly sorry for them I cannot forgive and move forward.

I am so tired, so paranoid and feel I deserve A LOT better!

Am I losing my mind?

[formflier]

I am so tired, so paranoid and feel I deserve A LOT better!

Am I losing my mind?

Not sure if you are loosing your mind, but it seems clear that you are worn out.

With all the focus on controlling him, I'm concerned that you are not caring for yourself properly.

Wouldn't it be wiser to focus on yourself and see if he really wants to change his ways, without you pushing/controlling him?

How are you going to know if his change is "genuine"?

Best,

FF

[secretgirl]

I agree with FF... controlling isn’t a good way to do it ... for my ex I set some ultimatums as boundaries which also blew up in my face because they can try for so long before they break it ... it’s how they keep their “mask” on for four months then can’t keep hiding their true selves ... same type deal. And later it’ll blow up in your face because he will use this against you in fights too how YOU are the controlling one.

I think it’s best for you to take a break maybe ? Focus on yourself like FF said and then take some time to yourself to think? You’d be surprised what a little space and self care can do
I’m not sure if I’ll ever get back with my ex but this space I am taking has sure felt great!
Let him be him. He’s in therapy... he’s a big boy. An adult. If he doesn’t want to be better with therapy, he won’t want to be better in general.
Can’t force people hun just like you can’t force people to be with us or love us etc. Just get back onto taking some self care for you. Being exhausted sucks hella!
Lots of hugs

[Moonlight93]

Thanks both! It makes It hard to step back and self care when I am worried he will cheat and take things so far you can’t come,
 back from it.

I also found drugs in his bag yesterday. I called him out for slurring his words these last few weeks and not finishing with me in the bed room. Turns out they are both side effects of what he’s been taking. This isn’t the first time I’ve caught him using and we got him through it a few months ago. But he’s back. Once I found it I binned it all and threw some down the drain and now he’s going through withdrawals and is expecting me to be there for him. But it’s tough as it’s self endured again and I am tired as you both have said before.

This escorts and drugs all started on the 8th October when I wa away with work 6/7 days...I can’t help but feel a little responsible for his pain even though he chose drugs and escourts to  change how he feels.

[secretgirl]

Thanks both! It makes It hard to step back and self care when I am worried he will cheat and take things so far you can’t come,
 back from it.

I also found drugs in his bag yesterday. I called him out for slurring his words these last few weeks and not finishing with me in the bed room. Turns out they are both side effects of what he’s been taking. This isn’t the first time I’ve caught him using and we got him through it a few months ago. But he’s back. Once I found it I binned it all and threw some down the drain and now he’s going through withdrawals and is expecting me to be there for him. But it’s tough as it’s self endured again and I am tired as you both have said before.

This escorts and drugs all started on the 8th October when I wa away with work 6/7 days...I can’t help but feel a little responsible for his pain even though he chose drugs and escourts to  change how he feels.

Hi Moonlight... I'm sorry you feel this way ... it IS exhausting. it IS painful.
You have every right to feel upset... seeing escorts and drugs is not a solution. My ex saw escorts too and the ONE time he saw a therapist... she told him this:
"You know you see them for a reason, right?"

Obviously he didn't like this answer... hence he stopped seeing the therapist because he was "right" and I AM wrong and I AM the one with BPD etc.
So , it's sad to see, but until they can unveil the mask, and begin to heal themselves as we desire to heal ourselves, nothing will ever change.
They'll think they're right, and we're wrong.
They won't see a harm in any of their actions.
No one can ever change without facing the guilt and shame of their own actions... and that's just the truth. Until he can start processing his mistakes, he won't change. So it's something you'll have to accept unconditionally.

Loving someone should be unconditional love. I believe we do love them unconditionally but we should never be responsible for their own mental/physical health.

Some people will never ever unveil their mask and honestly, wen someone's older, it's a bit harder to unveil it because that means they'd have to look back at forty-fifty years of their lives and face ALL the pain they've caused others, and be able to forgive themselves... and sometimes that's harder than to just accept them for who/what they are. As some English folks say "the pie is baked at that point." If you get the metaphor.

Here is a cool video that helped me realize my codependency and my part in the r/s with my ex...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5Fe1ea9BNs&t=613s

it might help you regain some of your confidence and realize the situation just for what it is. Please keep posting. This forum is great for support.
What are you planning on doing next to help your specific situation?

[Moonlight93]

That is a very good question.
Because he has been my priority during our whole relationship I feel I have lost what makes me happy without worrying about missing his call or being messaged 1000 times asking who I’m with, what I’m doing etc I’m fear of him being triggered,. He has taken the ME out of me. When I am trying to do me time he comes and finds me, won’t leave me alone in fear I am leaving or cheating or messaging someone etc...it’s always the same reasons he tells himself.

I would very much love a weekend away with my best girlfriends, no boys. But he would NEVER allow this in bpd mode.

I think I need to seek some therapy. Do you know where I can  start to find someone? Maybe My GP ?

[Cat Familiar]

Your GP would be a great place to start your search for a therapist. We recommend that nons do therapy since being in a relationship with a partner who has BPD can be exhausting and draining. Good self care is important. Even therapists who have BPD clients will seek therapy for themselves.

Make sure you find a therapist who has a good working knowledge of BPD. And find one you really like and feel comfortable with. Keep looking if the first ones you interview don’t seem like a good fit.

[secretgirl]

I totally feel that Moonlight... that's how I felt near the end of my r/s too... felt like I wasn't me anymore, I wasn't fun anymore, I had changed SO much about myself I almost forgot who I even was... that's the codependency speaking in me.
Becoming enmeshed and ever so pleasing of the other you forget what your life was like before all this. It's my therapist who helped me with this A LOT. I have soo much to thank her for.
Your GP is a good place for sure. My family Doc gave me my therapist and said this lady would be a good fit for me. I also am going to see another one soon who digs a bit deeper and figures out my issues from childhood etc.

Your bf will always project his insecurities onto you. It's the blameshift of pwbpd. He may be seeking escorts or to cheat yet he accuses you of cheating. It's the facing the denial etc that I mentioned earlier. It's too painful for them to unmask the truth because that would mean facing ALLLLL the bad things he's done to you and others, accepting it, apologizing for it, and fixing it. It's hard enough for a healthy person sometimes to admit fault. Let alone, a pwbpd. 

[formflier]

We recommend that nons do therapy since being in a relationship with a partner who has BPD can be exhausting and draining. 

I would expand this point to say emotionally and physically draining and exhausting.  Not "just" mental/emotional.

I would ask your GP for a full workup/physical to make sure that you are at your best as you try to sort through your relationship and find a pathway forward.

Best,

FF

[Moonlight93]

Hey all,

Update since the melt down 2weeks a go. I have been focusing on myself by throwing myself into work, friends and family. After hitting rock bottom with my boyfriend he finally accepted full responsibility for his actions and has taken steps towards improvement. He has spoken to his therapist about it all and she has given him a number of a private gp to find the best moodstablizers he can be on so he doesn’t rely on the stuff he can get on the street. He is yet to call...but his intentions are there when he gets paid on Friday. Second to that he has agreed to no porn, all those websites he was using to message other people have been blocked and he has accepted that and also said he wants the same.

We both have this week off work and have agreed to have fun and see if we can salvage our friendship and love. We are now at Wednesday and I definitely feel closer to him and starting to build that trust again. I have removed the restrictions on his phone and starting to let him meet his dealer for weed by him self. We have also agreed to a tamper to get him off this current stuff and he is following it and has promised never again or we are over...which I agreed to.

He can be the man I love and knew he could be. He’s just sick and doesn’t think he can get better. But I believe he can. When I look at the start of our journey it hasn’t been easy but the fact he is aware of his actions and feelings is a massive thing! And doing something about it!

I need to be a more positive person again, but at least I am Starting to laugh again!

On another note his family think I am utterly stupid for staying with him and think I am because they are well off...this is NOT the case and I don’t really know how I can prove this to them. The good thing is my boyfriend knows I love him and that’s definitely not the case. I just don’t give up on something or someone so easily!

[Longterm]

  Moonlight93

  he finally accepted full responsibility for his actions and has taken steps towards improvement.   

  He is yet to call...

  let him meet his dealer for weed

his family think I am utterly stupid for staying with him  

I'm really not trying to sound harsh here but when people want to change they do. Drugs is a really big issue, it clouds your judgement and distorts your thinking. I dont believe anybody can get to a better place whilst abusing substances. You say your bf has taken steps to change but is still using drugs and is yet to call that number. Have you spoken to him about getting help for his drug use, if so, is this something you feel he can commit to?

It sounds like you are really going through the mill right now in this relationship and it's clearly draining you. What commitments have you made to yourself? What is your plans going forward for self care?

LT.

[formflier]

Time is your friend when seeing if true change has happened.  Be wary of rushing things...

Best,

FF

[Moonlight93]

He will always smoke weed and he is comin off the other stuff. He has been to rehab many times before for opioids and othe harsher drugs which he has now been clean from for 2 years. I don’t like the pregabilin he takes as it changes how he feels and more importantly how he is with me. When he was on it and the escourt stuff came out he couldn’t show he cared because he was too gone to realise what was happening. He’s off to the therapist this morning and seeing his dad later about this new doctor. I’m giving it to Friday to see if he calls and books an appointment because I do think if he has something that stablises his moods he won’t abuse the other stuff to try and change how he feels.

I’m going out with my Nan for lunch today, had a job interview for a new role yesterday. I am trying to better myself. I have also picked up an old hobby of mine again.

I just want to be hopeful and positive as much as I can!

[formflier]

What is his opinion about the drugs, doctors and other things you addressed?

Best,

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Moonlight-

First , I admire your strength and I truly hope that you are right to believe in your BF.  He does have some work to do in order to better himself, to believe in himself and to earn your trust.  This is not a quick fix.

May I ask, who is it that told you his family thinks you’re “utterly stupid” for staying with him and that you’re staying because his family is “well off”?  Was it a family member?

You’re a very lovely woman.  Believe in yourself, my Friend.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Moonlight93]

Hi gemsforeyes,

He said that both his parents think it the comment has stayed with me and it feels awkward. I haven’t seen them in a few months now because of all the drama and it feels like tension is there and I feel embarrassed for some reason.

Hi FF,
He knows he needs help and is taking steps to get it. He is aware of what he does and doesn’t do and what’s to get better but just can’t see that he will. I am supporting him and decided to love all of him and gently encourage but when a bpd mood is low it can be tough to lift. He says he needs the drugs to change how  he feels, and we are working on other techniques that can do this too...however he doesn’t see it as effective as i isn’t an instant fix.

[formflier]

He said that both his parents think it the comment has stayed with me and it feels awkward. I haven’t seen them in a few months now because of all the drama and it feels like tension is there and I feel embarrassed for some reason.
 

I would advise you to be reluctant to take him at his word that his parents said this.

Either cast it from your mind or get together with him and his parents and clarify what they wanted him to understand.

My guess is he said it to you in order to put you off balance (and it appears it worked).

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

This escorts and drugs all started on the 8th October when I wa away with work 6/7 days...I can’t help but feel a little responsible for his pain even though he chose drugs and escourts to  change how he feels.

ML, the behaviour of your BPD partner is not your fault.  

Many of us here in R/S with BPDs are codependents who feel this way.  This is for a number of reasons.

Compulsive sexuality and substance abuse are common in BPDs who try a number of things to try to quell the pain of loneliness and a lack of identity.

Focus on yourself is a good strategy.  It's not easy when you care about someone with BPD.