His NPD daughter is coming to town after 6 years no contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

 
 
My pwBPD husband broke contact with his 25 year old NPD daughter six years ago, just as we got married. She refused to come to our wedding, moved to New York and although in town over the years, never attempted to make amends; until now. She is engaged to be married. Her mom, the ex, is very close to her, and my intuition tells me that she wants her dad for the obvious reasons ie. walk her down the aisle, and finance the wedding and to gain insightful information. As you can imagine, this could be a bad situation. My husband is resentful of her, and is going through with meeting her, for a drink with her fiance. I'm not invited, of course.

We have gone through many discussions and arguments, from him not seeing her, to him seeing her. The last agreement was that he would not meet up with her until he was finished with the financial agreement with her mom, as he doesn't want her to know all of his business. It's a long story, as they were in business together, and the ex believes she has more money coming to her, without a written signed agreement. That being said, anything and everything said to the daughter will go directly back to mom. So, he was going to tell her that he would not be in town and would meet up with her another time. Tonight, I mentioned that if she came by the house and we were home, it would not be good and that honesty might be in order. Just tell her that he didn't feel comfortable under the circumstances. He got so mad at me and said that he was going to meet them and that he would figure it out. It doesn't matter how it goes, it won't go well. But now, I look like the bad guy and all I wanted was for him to think about the repercussions of not telling the truth. I am also wondering if he planned to meet them all along, and wasn't going to tell me. All these lies. I know it's not because he misses her, it's that he fears his ex-wife.

This will take place on the night before Thanksgiving, so I am planning on eating dinner alone that day.  Either way, he will be so emotional it won't matter. To most of the world, the possibility of reuniting with a loved one is a blessing, in this case, it's a curse. She is evil, selfish, and conniving. My biggest fear is that he will fall into her snares, and it will be a roller coaster for me.  She told him before we were married that she would never accept me. I did all that I could to gain her trust and love, and it was never enough. Now she needs something from her dad. I'm not important, and not invited. I don't think he even sees how this might hurt me.

So, it's another night of anger. He's on the couch and not talking to me. He's mad because I gave him input on lying. I realize that we can't be honest at times in order to save feelings. She is his daughter, not mine (thank God). So, do I look at this as a blessing in disguise, and take myself to a movie that night? The combination of her NPD and his BPD makes me shutter. I've seen and heard them in action, but perhaps with her fiance present, they will keep it under wraps.

Am I out of order here?

[loyalwife]

 
 
My pwBPD husband broke contact with his 25 year old NPD daughter six years ago, just as we got married. She refused to come to our wedding, moved to New York and although in town over the years, never attempted to make amends; until now. She is engaged to be married. Her mom, the ex, is very close to her, and my intuition tells me that she wants her dad for the obvious reasons ie. walk her down the aisle, and finance the wedding and to gain insightful information. As you can imagine, this could be a bad situation. My husband is resentful of her, and is going through with meeting her, for a drink with her fiance. I'm not invited, of course.

We have gone through many discussions and arguments, from him not seeing her, to him seeing her. The last agreement was that he would not meet up with her until he was finished with the financial agreement with her mom, as he doesn't want her to know all of his business. It's a long story, as they were in business together, and the ex believes she has more money coming to her, without a written signed agreement. That being said, anything and everything said to the daughter will go directly back to mom. So, he was going to tell her that he would not be in town and would meet up with her another time. Tonight, I mentioned that if she came by the house and we were home, it would not be good and that honesty might be in order. Just tell her that he didn't feel comfortable under the circumstances. He got so mad at me and said that he was going to meet them and that he would figure it out. It doesn't matter how it goes, it won't go well. But now, I look like the bad guy and all I wanted was for him to think about the repercussions of not telling the truth. I am also wondering if he planned to meet them all along, and wasn't going to tell me. All these lies. I know it's not because he misses her, it's that he fears his ex-wife.

This will take place on the night before Thanksgiving, so I am planning on eating dinner alone that day.  Either way, he will be so emotional it won't matter. To most of the world, the possibility of reuniting with a loved one is a blessing, in this case, it's a curse. She is evil, selfish, and conniving. My biggest fear is that he will fall into her snares, and it will be a roller coaster for me.  She told him before we were married that she would never accept me. I did all that I could to gain her trust and love, and it was never enough. Now she needs something from her dad. I'm not important, and not invited. I don't think he even sees how this might hurt me.

So, it's another night of anger. He's on the couch and not talking to me. He's mad because I gave him input on lying. I realize that we can't be honest at times in order to save feelings. She is his daughter, not mine (thank God). So, do I look at this as a blessing in disguise, and take myself to a movie that night? The combination of her NPD and his BPD makes me shutter. I've seen and heard them in action, but perhaps with her fiance present, they will keep it under wraps.

Am I out of order here?

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[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Loyalwife-

I’m sorry about your H’s dysregulations.  In order to get a better feel for your situation, I went back and read through your posts.  You have been through it, my friend.  I am so sorry...

I was a stepmom of three for 19  years.  My exH was NPD (with BPD traits) and there were two ex-wives.  I operated as a “peacekeeper” of sorts, and had a strong relationship with the younger two kids.  The older one, though tolerable in small doses, was difficult and looking back had lots of narc traits.

I’ve got a few questions: (if you’re comfortable)

I’m a bit puzzled over what financial matters your H could have to settle up with his daughter’s mom at this late stage? 

Is this ex the woman he was married with just prior to you? 

Did he leave the girl’s mom to marry you, and is that the reason this girl would NEVER accept you?  Whose decision is it to exclude you from this meeting - your H’s or the girl?

Over the years, what type of contact did your H maintain with the girl’s mother (if they divorced more than the six years ago)?

Okay.  Blended family situations are complex... you know this firsthand as your H has created an unnecessary nightmare for you and your beloved children. 

You did the absolutely RIGHT thing by advising honesty.  Aside from that,  I’d advise quiet supportiveness.  Simply state, if asked, that you support him in whatever direction he’d like the relationship with his daughter to progress.  Your H seems to also have some very strong Narc traits, so hers are no surprise.  Your H doesn’t take your feelings into account and neither will his D.  I’m sad to say this, LW.   Your job is to protect yourself.  And in order to do this, graceful detachment seems your only choice.

If his D wants him to walk her down the aisle, You support that.  Do you care if you go to the girl’s wedding?  If she wants money, fine.  His decision, right?  The best you can perhaps advise here is that he not commit to a dollar figure on the spot, at the table.  That he come home and think about it and NOT allow himself to commit out of emotion.  Whatever he decides, you can use the comm tools and let his decisions be HIS decisions.  Remove yourself from his thinking.  Especially this type.  And tell him that this is something you cannot help him with.  You’ll be his sounding board, but the decisions are entirely his.  You can say that you understand that he’d of course love to build a bridge with his daughter.

As for Thanksgiving, why must you be alone if your H decides to ignore you on this wonderful holiday?  You have two children who love you, and who would both LOVE to spend the holiday with you.  Why not create a back-up plan, OR state upfront that this year you’re going to spend the holiday with your kids?  You deserve this, LW.

Thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[loyalwife]

Hi Gemsforeyes,
 
Thank you for your thoughtful response. You asked:

I’m a bit puzzled over what financial matters your H could have to settle up with his daughter’s mom at this late stage?
He has been paying his ex for the last five years, monthly, and she keeps changing the game. Now she wants more $25,000 for her part of the business. I'm not sure why this wasn't settled during the divorce, but it isn't my business.

Is this ex the woman he was married to just prior to you?
Yes. He was married to her for 22 years. His daughter at the time was 22.


Did he leave the girl’s mom to marry you, and is that the reason this girl would NEVER accept you?
No. I met him two years after the separation. I met his daughter and 'liked her', but she always saw me as competition. In the beginning stages, she would come into his house, snoop around (leave the door wide open), and take things. Everything he did or said went back to her mom. Her mom changed her last name after the divorce, not to her maiden name but to one she made up. The daughter decided to change her birth name to her mom's made up name. She told her dad at the time that she would never accept me as her stepmom.
 Whose decision is it to exclude you from this meeting - your H’s or the girl?
He said "I know you don't like Pam, and if you want to meet just me, that's okay."
She wrote back," I don't care about Pam. I do want to meet with you so that you can meet Bobby (fiance)". 

Over the years, what type of contact did your H maintain with the girl’s mother (if they divorced more than the six years ago)?

When I met Jeff, he was still working with his ex. They met a lot to discuss work, of course, and texted and called. His ex knew everything he did, and was in control of the business checkbook (which she kept exclusively) and paid him most of the time. As she got more and more jealous, his pay became less and less. She slowed work processes down and did all she could to make his life miserable. He decided to change things in the business, and she finally got a different job. How many of these matters transpired, I wasn't included in the process. I never spoke with her, except once she stood in the driveway glaring at me, not saying a word. He intervened. When we were having marital problems over my son, he did involve his ex. She kept telling the neighbor to tell me to get out of the house because my husband was going to kill me. So, as you can see, the daughter and mother are not great fans of me. His ex has been part of this complex situation with his daugher for the last six years, but suddenly wants them to be in contact.

After the melt down the other day with my husband, I just let him know that I care about him, and that whatever he chooses to do, is okay. He called his psychic and asked her what to do. She said "What is your first reaction?". He said "Run and stay away". She told him that is what he should do. So he has decided to tell his daughter that he is sick with the flu and has to stay home. Again, a lie, but he's afraid his ex will get mad. She controlled the check book for 22 years, and now she still controls his emotions. I am trying to just let go of this.

As it stands, I am making turkey dinner on Thanksgiving. If my husband is crazy that day or unavailable, I'll still be able to eat. My kids are both going to their dad's that day, and I told my son I'd have leftovers on Friday. I've made plans for Christmas day dinner with both my son and daughter. Again, no promise of my husband being there.

You asked if I would go to his daughers wedding. I don't think he will. He's made it clear, that being in the midst of his ex and her family will be mentally/emotionally too much for him. I agree. If his daugher wanted to repair their relationship she would. So far, she's hanging onto old behavior that she had six years ago. It is not serving her well.

As far as her dad financing her wedding, he doesn't want to for selfish reasons. I've thought long and hard about this. My dad financed my first wedding, walked me down the aisle, and was there for the father/daughter dance. But I also would never think of excluding him from my life for six years, and then just appearing one day as if nothing happened. It would not be geniuine for him to pretend. Again, based on his cycling, this could be even a dangerous situation. But he's capable of making this decision, but unable to stick with it.  I just have to basically take cover for the next week.

[loyalwife]

One more thing:

  Our relationship took off quickly (of course) and he asked me to move in after three months and then asked me to marry him after six months. He was still not divorced and this was announced on facebook. He finalized the divorce the next month.  His daughter seemed to escalate after we announce the engagement. I think her boundaries were confused. It was her dad's decision and not hers. That I think is in play now. She has decided that she wants him around because she's getting married, regardless of his feelings. She's marrying into an Italian New Jersey family.  No explanation needed as they are family-oriented. I'm sure they don't understand this type of dissension.