Homework assignment for BPD mom and NPD dad

[sarahbutterflies]

So my parents both have personality disorders. My mom has BPD and my dad as NPD. They're getting a divorce and not really on speaking terms and my dad is no longer living with my mom. I have made a "homework assignment" for both of them to do that they will be "turning in" to me. They both have terrible emotional immaturity amongst other things but that is a big one and it affects me and other people. It is very frustrating and annoying that they are not able to be criticized or had anything remotely "mean" said to them (or it might not even be mean but they take offense to it) or else they'll flip but it is okay for them to do the same back and even worse they can't see what they're doing. It just surprises me how other people can see the effects of these disorders yet the person with them sees no problem. And they wonder why people don't want to be around them for their hurtful actions and still don't see it even if you give them examples and explain why. I know they're not going to change and are not willing to so I figured why not try to make it tolerable to be around them. If I can try to make them self reflect it may help.
The reason I came up with this assignment is because I watch a youtube video about emotional immaturity from a real therapist. In this video she covered a variety of things one of them was making a list of things you want out of the relationship with the person and ones that they are actually capable of giving you. I know they are not able to fulfill what I need or want so this is where this assignment comes in. In the video she says that you should identify 3-5 emotions and then describe how they feel and why they make you feel that way. This is what I'm going to make them do essentially. This will hopefully help and force them to be more aware. I'm thinking of sending the assignment to them in a groupchat together so they both know that this is something they both need to work on and do for me and that I'm not necessarily targeting one of them. I feel like there was definitely more I wanted to say but I can't think of anything else. What do you guys think of this? Do you think it will work/help?

The categories I'm making them fill out I've listed below. I explained them in detail what they need to do so if you would like to know what it is just let me know and I can post it.

Date:
Emotions:
Why you feel this way:
What is something that could improve your day:
Other comments/goals: 

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having to deal with a BPD mom and dad with NPD who are divorcing. I was raised by a mother with BPD and dad with NPD traits. What I hear you saying in your post, is you would like your mother and father to learn how to respectfully communicate with each other, and you have come up with a homework exercise that you think might help. It is understandable that you are tired of how badly they treat each other and would like to see things change. The challenge is that both parents have personality disorders and what usually makes a personality disorder likely is the inability of the affected person to take feedback or change in any meaningful way. It is quite common for people with BPD and NPD to marry each other, and you might google this to learn more about your parents' interactions. What is probably key now is to find some relief for yourself, to not be so overwhelmed by your parents' behaviors, which is a common long term challenge for those of us who have parents with BPD and NPD. What are your goals for yourself? Can you tell us more about the feelings that you are experiencing with this divorce? Meantime, there are many members on this site who have parents with BPD and NPD, who will respond and help you. Let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[sarahbutterflies]

Zachira
Thank you for your thoughtful response! It's not so much how my parents are communicating with each other but more so with how they talk and behave with me. Both are bad at communication and I get the most heat from the mom, verbal and emotional attack. And I actually just got off the phone with her. I sent the assignment to both my parents and that is why my mom wanted to talk to me. Side note, after sending the text to them it hit me like it actually felt like it hit me that I was once again having to be the parent/adult and it's so sad. My mom was flustered about the assignment and I didn't really see why she would have a reason to be and she didn't understand why she needed to do the assignment and other things, but that is what we first talked about. Also after finishing the conversation I have realized that this assignment might not go well haha I mean it was at least a try. My mom and probably my dad too literally have no self awareness about how they affect people and my mom used a lot of "I" statements when were talking, pretty typical. I am trying to not get so personally invested with what my mom may say even though it is very triggering but I'm trying to do my best to just take it calmly and not get offended or upset which I feel like I was successful during the phone call for the most part. I haven't really thought about goals necessarily for myself. Do you mean just in general or with my parents/divorce. As far as the divorce goes it really doesn't matter to me. It should have happened a long time ago and they have made my life so hard for no reason when I didn't cause any of it. I pulled a very short stick. I would love to talk and connect with other members with similar situations. This forum really has helped me though, to feel not as alone. Also, the question I have for you is just how did you get through it all? I'm not sure your situation or if you are still in contact with them but if you are how do you make sure conversations just go smoothly.

[zachira]

It sounds like you just wanted to say what you felt to your parents even though you knew it would not likely get heard. Sometimes we just have to say what we feel to our family members with BPD and NPD just to get it off our chest knowing full well what we feel and say is not going to get validated. I am glad to hear you are not feeling so alone in having to deal with parents with BPD and NPD. 
My mother with BPD died this summer. Though I feel some sadness, it has mainly been a big relief to not have to deal with all her attempts to let me know I will never be a separate person from her. My siblings with BPD are acting badly though it is not as bad as being invalidated by my mother. What has helped me the most is to go to years and years of therapy because most people cannot understand what it is like to come from such a dysfunctional family. I have mainly worked on not taking what they do personally and have learned how to better regulate my emotions so I do not get so overwhelmed by the latest round of crazy mean behaviors. Sitting quietly observing my feelings for around an hour every day helps me to process my feelings so no feeling becomes overwhelming in the moment or whatever comes up in the future.
This site has helped me tremendously. I love it because the members really understand. I feel I can post here whenever I need to. In the beginning, this may mean posting daily. Do keep us posted on how you are doing. You will find with time as you continue to face having parents with personality disorders, that you will start to be less overwhelmed by how your parents behave, and overall feel better.

[Turkish]

It's not so much how my parents are communicating with each other but more so with how they talk and behave with me

sarah, a thought here... is working to fix your parents' relationship a proxy to fixing your relationship with them?