Possible charm attempt by S4’s mom?

[JNChell]

Hello everyone. I’ll go ahead and get right to the point here. Last night my lady friend and I attended a concert. One of my favorite artists that doesn’t make it to my neck of the woods very often. My friend and I arrived an hour before the opener was to start and took our place by the soundboard. That’s usually where you’ll get the best sound in a venue. Anyway, we were waiting, enjoying a drink and cutting up with each other. The next thing I know, there’s S4’s mom with her boyfriend. She was acting like she didn’t see me, but she did. My anxiety spiked for a bit, but then I just got angry about the situation. I didn’t let it ruin my night, but it did affect me.

Here’s a little background on why I’m curious about this being a possible charm. This weekend would’ve typically been my weekend with S4. When I saw that this particular artist was going to perform an hour and a half away, I asked S4’s mom if she’d be willing to deviate from the “normal” schedule. I didn’t tell her why, I just told her that there was something I really wanted to do and that I’d be happy to work with her should she ever want the same accommodation. S4 knew I was going to see this musician and probably mentioned it to his mom. He’s a big fan.

Another bit of information that is pertinent to this is that my ex knows that this artist is on my top ten list. Another thing is that I hit a point shortly after we had gotten back together after our second big breakup where I was obsessed with fact finding on the internet about what she had been up to in the couple of months that we had been broken up. I eventually came across an open account on a dating site. She listed her favorite music as most of my favorite artists and bands. She didn’t listen to or even know about any of the music that I’m into when we met. Her tastes were completely different.

Anyway, I hope I provided enough information to validate my suspicions on why I feel like last night was some kind of a charm attempt or some kind of very unusual attention seeking effort. I’m not sure what the motive was as she was with her boyfriend of almost two years. I have no romantic feelings or any desire to ever reconcile with her ever again. It was just an unsettling feeling and I feel like my bubble got invaded by her.

The last thing I want to mention is that I’ve basically begged S4’s mom for as much time as possible with S4. The main thing that sticks out is that her reasoning (control) was that S4 and I are able to actually spend more time together with less days of visitation because she cares for several children and that she has to cook, give baths and so on. Well, S4 was in her custody yesterday. She worked her weekend job and then came to a concert with her boyfriend that she knew that I would be at. S4 should be with his parents when it’s our time, not pawned off.

I’m curious to hear other’s input on if this was some kind of charm attempt. She presents with BPD/NPD traits. Since the final split she has been very narcissistic towards me. Any input is appreciated.

[Pytagoras]

Hello JNChell,

how long did your r/s ended?

There is a possibility that she made things in order to be in the same place as you. But i don't think that is enough to consider it as "charming"...

[once removed]

charming is generally when someone attempts to reconcile a relationship; wants to get back together.

this doesnt sound like that. she was there with her guy, you were there with your girl, no interaction between you.

is it possible it was an attempt to seek your attention, either good or bad? its possible.

but if so, she spent a lot of money, and didnt try very hard.

She listed her favorite music as most of my favorite artists and bands. She didn’t listen to or even know about any of the music that I’m into when we met. Her tastes were completely different.
...
I feel like my bubble got invaded by her.

i suspect the most likely thing here is that you turned her onto these bands, and this particular artist.

i turned my ex on to lots of things...namely black sabbath, black label society, and queens of the stone age. it irked the hell out of me at the time to see her talking about them on social media after we broke up, or bonding with the new guy over them. drove me nuts. i thought "how annoying. get your own bands".

but you know, when i think about it, one of my greatest joys in life is sharing music, especially when my favorite music becomes someone elses favorite. its a gift from you to that person. and that person may, in turn, share that gift with their next significant other.

[JNChell]

Thank you all, but there is a saying around here. “You know xyz best”. I know her best. I saw her looks. This puzzle isn’t a coincidence. It’s beyond annoying. After thinking about it, I feel bad for her boyfriend.

It’s not that she began to like the music that I like. She’s a narcissist that takes on certain parts of others identities.

Last night was supposed to be for my friend and I. S4’s mom could’ve gone unseen, but she bought drinks from a kiosk that was closest to me. She wanted to be seen, but acted like she didn’t see me.

[once removed]

fair enough.

which part of this would you say bothers you the most?

1. She wanted to be seen, but acted like she didn’t see me.
2. She’s a narcissist that takes on certain parts of others identities.
3. S4 should be with his parents when it’s our time, not pawned off.
4. I feel like my bubble got invaded by her.

[Pytagoras]

What do you think she may want from this? Atention?

[JNChell]

Pytagoras, I don’t know. That’s why I’m bringing it here.

[JNChell]

once removed, all of them bother me, but if I have to pick it would be 3.

[secretgirl]

hmmm from my experience with narcissists, it's definitely a seek for attention to possibly dig the knife deeper and see if it'll effect you... I'm sorry this happened. It sucks. as much as we want to stay away from people who hurt us after the breakup, it is always a possibility the worst will happen: we will see them again.

I think it's best to just accept that she could have been using this as a way to make you jealous/have any sort of negative feelings because as we know, pwbpd or npd like attention whether it's negative or positive (this isn't a statement made to bash them,...we ALL inherently like attention/like to feel loved and wanted etc. I myself as a codep. LOVE attention. I LOVE to be praised... hence why I fall for npd's/bpd's. Even non's love it. They may realize it's not healthy but could be caught in a weak codep. moment in their lives?)

But... I think it's one of those things where maybe you just have to realize it for what it is and know that most of us who experience(d) it will understand your feelings and POV and that's all that matters. Why would she go to a band YOU love? because she knows you'll be there OR she has actually come to love it also...

Maybe she's taking bits of you (most likely) and now playing them off as pieces of her personality or maybe she genuinely likes it now because of your influence. I guess we will never know. I'm assuming it would be the first if she truly is a narcissist.
Best way of coping is to see the reality in it I think.

I've had two narcissistic exes... one overt, and one covert. They were both worse than my recent BPD ex... I think that's why my bpdex confused me because he was so unlike my npd exes in the sense that he genuinely loved me in the moments of "good times." NPD's do certainly have a certain way about them that once you've experienced them, makes them easier to pick out. If she truly is NPD, then it's another way of hurting you or seeing if she can elicit any sort of emotion from you or an attempt to reconcile.
What will you do with your feelings?

[Cromwell]

Hi JNChell

Sorry to hear this evening hijacked in terms of her impromptu appearance.

Having read through the speculations, suspicions and lack of anything credible beyond generalised theorising.

Do you accept an explanation, so far not put forward, one that suggests she had an entirely innocent reason for being there that may have had nothing at all to do with you whatsoever?