So very sad

[Sadnana]

I don’t even know where to start. I am now estranged from my 27yr old bpd daughter by my choice. It has been the hardest decision I have ever made. It started a couple of months ago when I had her 2 children for a visit. She has not seen them in almost 3 yrs. They live with their father. She has now decided to go to court to fight for some form of custody arrangement. The youngest doesn’t even know who she is and the oldest is very resentful of her because of the abuse he endured in her care. So we had them for a visit which she knew about and took that opportunity to serve custody papers to the father. However the way she went about it was very disturbing. She sent her boyfriend who called the police to help him serve these papers. He told the police that he was a process server (lie) and that he was worried there could be violence by serving these papers. We strongly disapprove of this boyfriend he is also bpd and I believe he is completely unstable and dangerous. Which I have shared with my daughters social worker who visits my daughter weekly. So we conveyed we were very disappointed in how she chose to handle this and she did not respond well to our criticism. She texted me that I was a terrible mother insert every expletive you can imagine and then proceeded to say that she was sexually abused by a family member as a child and that her children were not safe in our care because I allowed this to happen to her and that she was going to call the police to have the kids removed for their safety. This is all a complete fabrication which she admitted so. That was my last straw. She always does something to ruin our visits with the kids and I have put up with her Behavior because I know it comes from hurt but these kind of accusations can ruin people’s lives. So I blocked her on Facebook and stopped taking her calls. I called her social worker because I was afraid of her reaction to me pulling away because of her fear of abandonment. I explained my situation and told her that I needed some time to regroup. My daughter excepted this better than I thought she would and calls and leaves messages on our answering machine occasionally apologizing and saying she still loves us. The biggest problem is she still has another child in her care my grandson from someone I never met. I have distanced myself from him because it hurts to much to see her make wrong decision after wrong decision that I know will adversely impact my grandson. Her boyfriend has 4 children with 2 other woman and none of them know how to raise children in a healthy environment.
Fast forward to yesterday I found out through my Dad that her boyfriend killed the family dog which they told the vet the dog got hit by a car mean while he had picked the dog up and slammed him to the ground the dog had so many injuries they had to put him to sleep. So this angered her and they got into a fight and he hit her apparently not for the first time and she had him arrested. However she told my Dad that this violent bpd man is the only father figure my grandson knows and if he still wants to be in my grandsons life she will allow it. He is not the biological father. She called and left a message this morning saying she was sorry that we were right all along about this guy and that she has kicked him out and is safe and is hoping we can have contact again.
I feel guilty every waking hour but I cannot watch her continue to make these huge unsafe life choices with my grandson in her care. It is heart wrenching. So I am going to continue with no contact at this time.
I also know that her custody hearing is coming up Dec 11 and my husband and I are going to be writing a statement that will not be in her favour. We are pretty much just going to state the facts of what she has been doing these last 3 years and how we do not think it is in the best interest of the children to be in her care at this time. She has been with several different men has been herself arrested for assault and had another child all in this time frame. I know this will not go over well with her and I know she will feel hurt and betrayed and rightfully so but I have to protect my grandchildren. I have no control over the one in her care and it gives me nightmares every night. I don’t sleep well I have trouble eating and feel like I am in an impossible situation but most of all I fell overwhelming sadness to my very soul for everyone involved.
I know this is a lot but I really needed to let it all out

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Sadnana
I am glad you decided to post and let it all out. I hope it helped. There is nothing wrong with taking a break. In fact it is necessary. You are right to be concerned about your grandchildren but first you must take care of yourself. Posting here is part of that. Is there anything else you are doing or can do in the way of self care?

[mggt]

Good for you for protecting your grandchildren  . In my opinion, most bps should not have children  They are too selfish and everything is about them  sending hugs

[Sadnana]

Thank you Faith
Posting here helps tremendously. Sometimes putting internal thoughts into words helps working through difficult emotions. I do try and practice self care, it isn’t easy and something I have to make a conscience decision to do. I know if I don’t I will not be any good to anyone so I really do make an effort. I am also very blessed to have a husband on the same page. We had to work really hard to get there but thankfully we have a better handle on it now. Learning about bpd was a godsend. Before her diagnosis we struggled with what the hell were we dealing with. After she was diagnosed we were able to do the research and understand more what we were actually dealing with and being able to separate my daughter from bpd has made it easier to understand her behaviour. That being said it is still so sad to watch her continuously make such horrible life choices that affect so many.
I am also blessed with family and friends that understand and support us. Some even also taking the time to research bpd in order to understand it more and be even a bigger support system for us.
So thank you again! This site and everyone here is so supportive and I appreciate everyone’s honesty and pray everyday for a little peace for all who are struggling

[FaithHopeLove]

I am really glad you and your husband are on the same page and that you both are able to separate the person your daughter is from her BPD driven behavior. They act out of pain not malice. Understanding that is a huge step toward finding peace in a difficult situation. How else can we help you?