Three weeks

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there,


It’s been three weeks since I went no contact with my pwBPD. I’ve really been enjoying a stress free home environment. That alone has been a huge healer. I have been up and down but mostly enjoying lower stress levels.

I’ve have spent  a lot of time alone. A lot. It’s been necessary for me at this time. I don’t think I could tolerate much company currently. Conversation and attention to others would be utterly draining for the time being.

I’ve heard through a social worker that C* is still in clinical treatment and feeling horrible. This has been weighing on my shoulders significantly and gives me anxiety often. I can’t help but look at him in a more positive light since our separation but I also realise that rekindling a relationship with him would be a mistake.

I can wish and wish that things were different but the reality is that he’s incapable of having a relationship with anyone in the near future. I feel sad. Not because it failed. But for all the good things I saw in him. He deserves so much.

I’m just venting and sharing thoughts.

Thanks.

[boogs152]

Hi there,


It’s been three weeks since I went no contact with my pwBPD. I’ve really been enjoying a stress free home environment. That alone has been a huge healer. I have been up and down but mostly enjoying lower stress levels.

I’ve have spent  a lot of time alone. A lot. It’s been necessary for me at this time. I don’t think I could tolerate much company currently. Conversation and attention to others would be utterly draining for the time being.

I’ve heard through a social worker that C* is still in clinical treatment and feeling horrible. This has been weighing on my shoulders significantly and gives me anxiety often. I can’t help but look at him in a more positive light since our separation but I also realise that rekindling a relationship with him would be a mistake.

I can wish and wish that things were different but the reality is that he’s incapable of having a relationship with anyone in the near future. I feel sad. Not because it failed. But for all the good things I saw in him. He deserves so much.

I’m just venting and sharing thoughts.

Thanks.

[once removed]

it sounds like youre grieving.

its hard.

we all loved our exes, the intense ups and downs and pains of detachment speak to that more than anything, even through the pain of it all. we wanted the best for them, for us, for the relationship.

that doesnt go away over night.

I don’t think I could tolerate much company currently.

i get that completely.

im glad you reached out, though. its good to have support in this journey.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey boogs, I was once in your shoes.  When I separated from my BPDxW, I relished the downtime: boring evenings at home without drama.  My stress level dropped and I began to heal.  After experiencing peace, I never seriously considered going back to the BPD turmoil.

I’ve heard through a social worker that C* is still in clinical treatment and feeling horrible. This has been weighing on my shoulders significantly and gives me anxiety often. I can’t help but look at him in a more positive light since our separation but I also realise that rekindling a relationship with him would be a mistake.

Right, recycling would be a mistake.  It took me a long time to grasp that I'm not responsible for the well being of another adult, and neither are you.

I feel sad. Not because it failed. But for all the good things I saw in him.

No, you didn't fail.  You did your best.  BPD is a terrible disorder that leaves destruction in its wake.  It's normal to feel sad in the aftermath.  I suggest you recognize and allow the sad feelings, and let them pass through you.  Then move on.

LuckyJim

[boogs152]

Thankyou for understanding. It’s been a difficult day or two. I’m sad again today. Missing him a lot.

I’m meeting his aunt in a few hours. I need to give some of his belongings to her. I don’t know what we’re going to talk about. I mean all we had in common was drama with C*.

How do I engage in a conversation with her? How do I do this respectfully in regards to C*

She suggested we meet for a coffee. Urgh. Will be hard.

[Lucky Jim]

I suggest you be yourself with his Aunt, without going into any details about your b/u.  Maybe skip the coffee?  Those on the outside don't really know what it's like on the inside of a BPD r/s, so I wouldn't try to explain it.  Be polite and keep it general!

LJ

[boogs152]

Hi there,

Thanks for the advice. Kept the discussion mostly general and it seemed to go better than I expected. So thanks

I was having another bad day yesterday. Just missing C*.
It was interesting because he tried calling me twice in the afternoon. I didn’t answer but he left a voicemail which I listened to. I know I should’ve deleted it before listening. He sounded terrible. There was a degree of urgency to the tone of his voice. He simply said that all he wanted was to say hello. There was a degree of desperation in his voice. It was awful to hear.

I’m concerned that this no contact thing I’m attempting to enforce will result in him turning up at my house unexpectedly. Makes me uneasy. He’s never been violent in the past. I have asked him to not contact me a couple weeks ago and I feel that he has made an effort to respect that until now. He’s currently in clinical treatment. It’s the weekend and he hates the weekends at the clinic the most. Other patients go out with family but he has no one.

[boogs152]

Going through the... I hope he comes back stage. God help me. Must stay strong. Still no contact. Urgh.

[once removed]

Going through the... I hope he comes back stage. God help me. Must stay strong. Still no contact. Urgh.

are you wanting to get back together?

think it through. if he does come back, what are you going to do?

you can get support on the Bettering board if you want to reconcile the relationship.

if he does come back, and the two of you just reenter the relationship, without any changes, its likely to play out in more heartache.

[boogs152]

Hey onceremoved,


No I don’t wish to get back with him. I’m simply going through the different stages of grieving that’s all. There’s a divide between my heart and head for sure that’s why I must stay strong and remember the bigger picture. Going back would be a mistake indeed.


It’s just so hard when you have thoughts that don’t serve you. They’re powerful thoughts. I’m trying to remain separate from the power of these thoughts and the emotional state they create.

Thanks

[boogs152]

Had an emotional melt down last night. Juggling day to day tasks are so hard. I’m not even working so I hardly have many “details” to deal with.
My expwBPD is still in clinical treatment. He’s been there three weeks and a social worker told me that he has two more weeks  to go. I get incredibly anxif I think about the emotional state he must be in at this time. God I try not to think about it too much. I can see why this forum advises that people like me go no contact. It protects us from more drama and entanglement. I do worry about him a lot obviously.

Still no contact and it’s been nearly a month.

[Longterm]

Hi boogs152.

There’s a divide between my heart and head for sure that’s why I must stay strong and remember the bigger picture. 

It's the logical thoughts vs the emotional. I hated it and it took a very long time for the heart to catch up with the head. This is normal and nothing to be alarmed about, it will pass in time, it's difficult yes, but it does get easier.

  No I don’t wish to get back with him.

Moving forward, what are your plans for the future?

  I’m trying to remain separate from the power of these thoughts and the emotional state they create.
 

The emotions that are created are very powerful indeed and we all understand here. Sometimes I feel it's best to accept that there will be uncomfortable thoughts and there is no shame in feeling them, grieving is something that needs to happen in order to grow and it will ultimately make you a better person, it is ok to miss somebody.

   I get incredibly anxif I think about the emotional state he must be in at this time.

Are you taking any meds for your anxiety?

 I do worry about him a lot obviously.  

And that's ok. Hes probably in the best place for him right now though. Maybe it would serve you well to think about what boogs Needs right now? It might be a good idea to focus on connecting with friends/family, help you take your mind off things, give yourself a break.

LT.

[once removed]

No I don’t wish to get back with him. I’m simply going through the different stages of grieving that’s all.

understood.

it might be the bargaining stage of grieving.

i wanted out, through a lot of my relationship, but could never pull the plug. then when she did, i was devastated. i wanted her back for months, even though a part of me really didnt. i prayed over and over that whether we got back together, i would at least hear from her.

it is a normal part of the grieving process.

[boogs152]

Hi there,

Thanks for responding to my posts. Been processing your advice slowly.Taking the time to think and feel things out. I’m not on any anxiety medication. I only happens mostly when I engage with C* whether directly or indirectly. I’m still no contact and I fully understand why they advise that here. We need the time and space to rebuild our hearts and minds. I fully get it now and I’m thankful for making the choice to do so.

Someone here asked if I had plans for the future and to be honest I’m struggling with decision making. Always have but I’m engaging with a therapist currently. I will work through that with her.

I’m wondering if anyone can help shed some light on what stages my ex may be going through? We’re a month apart now and I’m trying to get inside the world of what happens with BPD after a breakup. I realise that each case is individual but I’m sure there must be patterns?

 He has attempted to contact me multiple times since we broke up but I explained to him once that we should not contact each other for a while. Any further attempts by him at contact have not been responded to by me.





Thanks

[Longterm]

  boogs152

  I’m wondering if anyone can help shed some light on what stages my ex may be going through?

They tend to run away from the emotions, as they feel them more intensely than we do. They will blame/project and act as though there is nothing at all wrong, self reflection is not on the agenda. A lot find new partners to ease the internal pain, but the cycle will always repeat eventually. They will hit a brick wall at some point and it will all come crashing down. This could all take a very long time to happen.

LT.

[boogs152]

My ex is in a clinic at the moment so hopefully he will have some point of reflection but who knows.

You’ve made some interesting points Longterm. Thanks for sharing.

[once removed]

I’m wondering if anyone can help shed some light on what stages my ex may be going through? We’re a month apart now and I’m trying to get inside the world of what happens with BPD after a breakup. I realise that each case is individual but I’m sure there must be patterns?

people with bpd traits feel, think, do, the same things as us, just more extreme.

there are so many ways to react to a breakup.

tell yourself its them, not you.
tell yourself its all you and youll never attract another or do better.
beg and plead for another chance.
use tricks or desperate means to get someone back.
swear off relationships completely for a while...or a short time.
find a new relationship as quickly as possible.
get revenge.
get angry. retaliate against the person that broke your heart. say all the things you wanted to say during the relationship or after you were dumped.
write a song about it (there are thousands)

i would wager that hes going through a great deal of what you are (what ifs, and the possibility of reuniting). but you broke up with him, right? so feelings of rejection are a nearer and dearer part of that equation.

it sounds to me like you are having a difficult time imagining what he may or may not be going through. i get that completely. ive never been able to break up with someone in my life. i never wanted to put them through it, and i guess that i felt if i had to bear that burden, id survive.

but the thing is, staying in a relationship youre done with doesnt help you or the other party. it can be a greater kindness to step away. yes it will hurt...both of you. separation is hard. grief is hard. but we do live through it. ideally, we learn from it.

I’m engaging with a therapist currently. I will work through that with her.

tell us more. what does your therapist think about all this?

[boogs152]

Yes there are many ways to deal with a break up. It’s personal indeed. It seems that there’s many people here in a similar predicament to me. I was the one who ended the relationship but not really through my own choice. I did it to protect myself ultimately. It came down to either me or him in the end and chose me. I HAD to choose myself.
 I’m sad because I had to end a relationship I valued with a really beautiful person. I saw the man behind the mess and that’s what hurts the most. The fact that you can do your best to honour the person you love so much only to keep coming up against one wall after another. It’s exhausting and eventually you give up hope that things will get better. Because they deserve the best... the very best... but so do I. I don’t expect perfection I expect honesty and integrity and that wasn’t there on his side.

My therapist said that he’s deeply unwell and I need to take care of myself now.

I was just curious about he may be going through considering there were times when he had a perspective that was so vastly different to mine.

I hope these jumble of words convey what I’m feeling to you,the reader.

Thanks for listening.

[SinisterComplex]

So its obvious you care deeply about him. I get it. I think all of us do which is why we are here on this board. The one thing I have to say is that you have to let go of your curiosity about him. Everyone processes things differently and at their own speeds and I will say you will make it much easier on yourself if you just choose to remember the good times and essentially treat it like a moment frozen in time and let the memory become a phantom in the sands of time. Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. The events that play out determine that outcome and I always say to put a positive spin on things and let the events become a catalyst to help propel you toward the path to achieving your potential.

I truly wish you the best moving forward on your journey.

Cheers!