Shadow Dancing

[RoadToKnowWhere]

 Hello All,

This is me:
       I am lonely. I feel beaten down and devalued. I have low self-esteem. I feel very isolated. I question everything that I have always 'known' about myself, both good and bad. I am unhappy. I am disappointed, saddened, defeated. I talk to myself for feedback. I feel unlikable, unlovable, uninteresting. I currently dislike (borderline hate) my life. My husband has BPD.

This is also Me:
       I am surrounded by people who love me. I have four amazing children and a grandson, whom I adore. I have colleagues and friends, who I like and admire.  I am a mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, ... and wife. I am a real property attorney. I am amazingly productive. I am a very hard worker...too hard for my own good probably. I wear many hats and love changing them frequently. I am an Airbnb Superhost…lol and manage our vacation rentals, and other properties and all of our business and financial affairs (which, itself, is a full-time job).

This was ME:
I was silly and happy and nutty, in my own right, but in a fun way. I liked to ride my bicycle and peruse tidepools for cool stuff. I liked 'turning' tadpoles into frogs and caterpillars into butterflies. I liked kites, colors, long hikes, so many sports, concerts, amusement parks, vacations. I was high energy and loved life and RARELY struggled with depression or loneliness before my relationship with my husband.  I also have RARELY felt unlikable, unlovable, or uninteresting. I did not frequently feel disappointed, saddened, or defeated in my life. I used to have good self-esteem. I use to feel comfortable in my own skin and I used to talk to myself because I liked myself. I used to know who I was.

My husband is a physician. He works...all day at the office and most of the evening at the hospital a majority of the time. We dated for 5 years before marrying 2 1/2 years ago. I realized recently that I really only ever see glimpses of the things that I love about him. His personality is unpredictable, which is so unsettling. The only consistency is the utter lack thereof. It wasn't until after we had married and I had lived with him for about 6 months that I started looking around online to see whether his issues and behaviors were attributable to more than just bad moods, lack of sleep, stress from work, etc. So many excuses that at one time had seemed plausible but gradually seemed less and less likely...I found BPD and couldn't believe how precisely 'the glove fit'. He does not dispute that he has BPD. When I first sent him an article about it, he read it and asked me, "Why do you think that this applies to you?" : O   Subsequently, he agreed (for the most part...and he was a psych major btw)that he has BPD.  For the past 2 years I have been attempting to help him to 'fix' the problem but now I am waving a white flag as it is beyond my skill set and I am losing myself in the process.

I am seeking tools to help me to cope and to save myself. I am attempting to regroup and discover whether and how I can help my husband without being at the mercy of his BPD and continually going up and down with his ship. Often, I compare him to Icarus as I watch him shoot up to the sun as he exudes euphoria well-knowing that soon he will be dropping like a rock. I originally thought he was Bi-polar...and perhaps he is to some extent, at least with respect to cycling. However, he so closely fits the BPD profile in terms of his personality, behaviors, fear of abandonment, impulsivity, thoughts (many delusional and resulting from paranoia), and patterns of reactivity and unhealthy coping mechanisms that I am confident he is dealing with more than Bi-Polar disorder.

Sigh, I don't want the only choices to be dancing with myself or dancing with the Devil.

I am willing to stay on the road less traveled if I can just get a fix on where we are at and how to keep our car from continually careening off-course. Also, I need to know that the ride can be smoother with fewer fallen trees, downed electrical lines, and massive sinkholes.

I welcome...and frankly am desperately seeking... input and support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello and welcome, RoadToKnowWhere!

I can hear the exhaustion and frustration in your message and I'm so sorry. On the plus side, you've come to the right place. We're a supportive community full of people who understand where you're coming from. Life with a pwBPD is not easy and it's very difficult for outsiders to get it. We get it. I know what it's like to feel like you're driving through an incredibly dangerous obstacle course. It's exhausting. It's painful. It's frustrating. I've felt like I'm losing my mind at times. At others, I've felt like I've lost my sense of joy and humor. So, I get it.

But we also have a lot of tools and experience we can share with you. While there are no guarantees, there is hope. We've seen some pretty dire situations improve. It takes time, patience and hard work, but it can happen.

One of the big things we stress around here is self-care. Spending time with friends and family. Participating in hobbies. Doing things that "fill your cup." You're fortunate to have family, friends and coworkers around you. Are you able to spend time with them and relax? Are you or he in therapy or have you ever sought it out?

Also, there are a lot of communication tools that you may find very useful. I know they've helped me considerably in my relationship with my husband.

If you don't mind sharing, what's one of the biggest problems in your relationship now in terms of his BPD behavior? Can you describe a recent incident in detail? Details help us know how to help you better.

Keep posting and hang in there! We're here to help!