The Dog

[Cpete18]

So my husband goes through obsessions. His latest obsession is that he wanted a dog. We’ve already had two dogs that we ended up giving away because he didn’t have the patience to deal with them. I reminded him of this and he went on and on about how much more patient he is now and that he wants a cattle dog just like the one he had when he was young because they are such good dogs. So I gave in... all was well for a while. She is a good dog and we all fell in love with her, especially my daughter and I. Then he started losing his patience. He was mean to the dog in front of my young daughter which caused her to be reasonably upset. I told him I didn’t want the dog anymore because he didn’t have the patience for her to which he said he didn’t care what I wanted and we were keeping her. He promised to never be mean to the dog again in front of daughter and apologized for not being good enough for my daughter.

That was last week, this week he hates the dog and told me it’s either him or the dog. He says the dog destroys stuff and is afraid of him (gee, I wonder why!) and it makes him unhappy and it has to go. This is my first opportunity to practice the things I’ve learned since reading about and coming to the conclusion that my husband is BPD. So I calmly explain to him that the dog is a good dog but she needs work and he should be patient and my daughter and I do not want to get rid of the dog because we love her and she makes us happy. In typical fashion he goes into rage mode. I’m a terrible wife and I’m not what I used to be and marrying me was a huge mistake and I’m the most selfish person ever, I don’t care about his feelings or making him happy anymore and I don’t do my job so he might as well find someone else to do it for me (this last part is a regular statement). So I tell him that if he gets rid of the dog without me agreeing to it that it will be a huge setback in our marriage and even if I don’t want to be I will be resentful and bitter and my daughter will be heartbroken but he can do whatever he thinks is best but I don’t think we should discuss it further at this time and I would like an apology for saying those hateful things to me because it’s no longer acceptable to me that he calls names and is nasty to me.

He said “I’m sorry” (hallelujah!) and that was that. Since then he has been spending every minute of every day working. He comes home at 9pm and acts distant. We text throughout the day but it is mostly distant and cordial messages. He said he doesn’t want to be home as long as the dog is there because it makes him unhappy. This distance is COMPLETELY against his normal character. He is usually texting and calling a million times a day and avoiding side work in the evenings to be with me or makes me go with him to do work because he wants to spend every single second of every single day together.

I know he is calling my bluff since I NEVER go against what he says. I have never put my foot down, I have totally enabled him and a lot of the problems in our marriage is my fault for doing so. It is hard, so very hard to keep my composure and stay strong because I don’t know if it’s even worth it. So now I have the dog at home that he won’t help with or even look at and he’s so stubborn that it’s unlikely he will change his mind and will continue to be bitter towards the dog. But I feel like if I give in and tell him to get rid of the dog that I will resent him and I will lose my footing and break my new set rules. And one of the most important parts to me is that he actually FOLLOW THROUGH WITH SOMETHING HE STARTS! I just want him to see that he caused this mess and he should be patient and try and solve the problem without throwing a tantrum.

Besides all of that drama, I’m trying to wrap my mind around my husband possibly being BPD and that I will have an unstable and insecure roller coaster of a marriage for the rest of my life. It’s so much work and it’s so heartbreaking at times. To actually put a name to it and identify that it’s not within his control and so most likely he won’t change is gut wrenching. The dark times are really dark and the thought of spending the rest of my days trying to not ignite the fire inside of him sounds utterly exhausting. I was hopeful at the beginning of the week because now I could identify the problem, now I’m crumbling because I identified the problem. 

Working on getting my emotions to calm.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AbuNassif]

Your last paragraph just floored me! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Ugh. I'm not sure the label is any more than a step in the right direction. Even if we're wrong about it. For me, and maybe this can help you, I've been focussing on discovering what's most important to me and finding ways to enjoy, value, and express those things. I've accepted the weirdness of living with my wife like we are roommates, or robots that have dinner together. How this works itself out is going to be about what I discover I need, and what I discover I can or must do for myself.

[Cpete18]

Friday evening as I was starting to let my emotions get the best of me and preparing to spend another evening alone my husband called me at 6:00pm and it was as if nothing had happened. He asked if I was ready to go to dinner because we always go out to eat on Friday night. That evening and all the next day it was love and adoration. He took me shopping and bought me a very nice coat and new boots and I was the best wife in the world.

When it is good I start to think that maybe I’m crazy and being over dramatic and he can’t possibly have BPD because he’s so kind and sweet and loving and normal during those times. I actually have to recall things in my mind that he has said or done that are extreme in order to ground myself and be convinced that I’m not insane.

I guess the highs are why we stay during the lows. The silent treatment and cold shoulder are so much more difficult to deal with than the rage. I think for me it’s because I know the rage will end sooner than the cold shoulder. When my husband starts acting distant towards me it is almost a relief initially but after a couple days the doubt sets in and every time I get to the point where I am crying uncontrollably is almost always the time when it turns around and it’s like it never happened. I realize this and know that it is the cycle logically but it’s hard to be logical when you’re hurting so badly and feeling abandoned.

Thankful for the highs and hoping everyone has some soon, or at least some normalcy.

[Cpete18]

And now he hates me and left the house because I asked him to apologize for calling me an idiot. I just keep telling myself that it’s going to get harder before it gets better. ☹️