Glad to have found you all

[turtlebear]

Hello, new girl here. I wanted to introduce myself. I'm a 46yr old woman, divorced for 6yrs and four kids, youngest is 13.

Earlier this year, like January, I connected with an acquaintance. I was not looking for anything other than, I'll be honest, a booty call when he came into town once or twice a month, when I didn't have any kids with me as I was wanting to keep my family life separate from any dating I was going to be doing. He is 17yrs younger than me, a raging alcoholic, no license due to multiple DUIs and isn't afraid to go to jail, you know, a real good choice. I figured he was "safe" as I had a freshly broken heart from a previous relationship and wasn't looking for The One or for being in a relationship with anyone let alone someone like him.

Of course that changed. Three months into our arrangement, he lost his job. Then one time he came to see me and just never left. I told him I wanted to keep him and my kids separate but he wouldn't hear of it since my kids knew him from mutual family friends. Definitely 1st red flag. The long and the short of it is that I felt bad for him and wanted to help him out since his family, while he still has a relationship with him, wouldn't take him in. Over the months I discovered how expensive his drinking was, how exhausting it was driving him around and helping him find a job was. He became all consuming, demanding of my time an attention, jealous of time I would chose to spend with my kids instead of with him. He also became abusive verbally and emotionally as well as fond of breaking my things when he was throwing a fit because I said no or he didn't get his way. The first week or so in October, I kicked him out because I didn't want him around my kids anymore. So now he lives in his truck at the end of my court.

So my dilemma is, I don't want to be with him anymore, I don't love him, I don't want to help him anymore, I don't want him to consume all my time and energy, the sex isn't even good (actually I'm repulsed by him). I've recently figured out that he has ALL the traits of a borderline. BUT I don't know how to get out. We are literally stuck in wash rinse repeat of the Karpman Drama Triangle and when we fight, he tells me if we break up he's either gonna kill himself, plant his butt at my house where it'll take me a year to get him evicted or he's gonna come down and "f@ck sh!t up." He's so persistent and will not take no for an answer and me being me, hate conflict so I just go along so I don't have to deal with his tantrums. So I stay with him against my better judgement.

How do I get out and not have broken stuff or a unwelcome house guest? I guess the bigger question is, how do I become strong enough to end it. I need some ME time so I can figure out who I am as a divorced single mom as well as how to become a strong independent woman. And I can't have it while he insists "we're still boyfriend and girlfriend, right?"

[dt9000]

Turtlebear, I am sorry you are in this situation.

Do you feel your safety is in jeopardy? If so you might consider developing a safety plan which may involve getting a protection from abuse order and other steps.

My BPDex is also an alcoholic, and it's difficult at times to separate out what is BPD from untreated alcoholism. Not that it necessarily matters, your situation is still the same, but it was just a thought that I had when reading your post.

dt9000

[turtlebear]

dt9000,
That's a good point, I haven't really thought of that. I do know that he was recently diagnosed by a healthcare professional with PTSD due to the violence he experienced in childhood from his father. When I compare the signs of each, he exhibits more BPD traits than alcoholism traits (i.e. he never hides his drinking or makes excuses for it vs frantic attempts to avoid perceived abandonment or unable to regulate his emotions, which is a constant thing). Though don't get me wrong, alcoholism is very much a factor and the signs can apparently overlap.

The other thing I was thinking too is how he grew up, the kind of relationship we have is "normal" to him but 100% toxic to me. So even if I suddenly could actually have a rational conversation with him, he wouldn't understand how toxic our relationship is. Nor would he be able to empathize the fact that I am not comfortable with this amount of crazy. When I have tried to talk to him, it gets turned around to where it is all my fault or I caused him to behave a certain way. GAH! He's just so too much!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey turtlebear, Welcome!  Your personal safety comes first, so do what you have to do to protect yourself.  As a starting point, you might want to work on your boundaries (See Tools, above).  In my experience, those w/BPD will often back down if you call their bluff by declining to react to their manipulation threats.  On the other hand, be prepared to call 911 or the Police if you fear bodily harm.  Because you live with this guy, you might want to commence eviction proceedings in order to get a court order evicting him from the premises.  Meeting with an Attorney to discuss the issues might prove worthwhile.

LuckyJim