Am I too old to heal?

[Zabava]

So, another Christmas is coming and I am feeling dread. I don't think I can get through another one.  I have been thinking about going to Church to regain some hope, but I don't know.  The older I get the faster time goes and I feel scared.

[GaGrl]

Zabava, I am so sorry this weighs on you so heavily. It is difficult. My husband was married to a woman who is uBPD/NPD, and my stepgrandmother was uBPD/BPD -- so there is a lot of fallout in our families as a result. This is not an easy time of year.

My mom (some BPD traits from her stepmother) lives with us now -- she is 93. What I have learned is that there are constant opportunities to grow and be emotionally stronger.

What is causing you the most distress right now?

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

The holidays are often quite stressful periods, even without BPD family-members involved there can be stress then because of everything that needs to be arranged. Yet when there are BPD family-members involved, this can add a whole new layer of stress. Also when I consider my own BPD mom and sis, some of the most extreme outbursts they've exhibited were during or surrounding holidays and birthdays. When you have experienced that before, it isn't a pleasant prospect that something like that might happen again so in that sense I can relate to the anxiety you are expressing.

We cannot control the behaviors of our disordered family-members though, nor can we control what will happen in the future. What we can do is try to focus on the present, on our own behavior and responses and on how we can best prepare for possible future interactions with our BPD family-members.

Are there things you think you can do that would better help you deal with future interactions? When you consider the tools and techniques described on this site, how do you think you could use them to help yourself when interacting with your difficult family-members?

To alleviate feelings of dread and anxiety, and help you at least stay in the present and focus less on what might happen in the future, it can also help to practice mindfulness/meditation.

Your thread is titled 'Am I too old to heal?' My answer to that question is no, you most definitely are not too old to heal The thing with our healing though is that it can be painful and does not necessarily always feel like we're healing. Can sometimes even feel that after making progress and moving 1 step forward, we are moving 2 steps back again. That's part of the healing process too. It also isn't necessarily a lineair path, we will find ourselves going back over and over again examining certain issues and working our way through them. Our healing on this board more often than not will require ongoing maintenance, even as we make progress, maintenance will still be necessary, particularly for instance when the holidays come along. As adults we can utilize the new tools and resources at our disposal though to help as get through the tough times,

On this board we can support each other in our healing process

The Board Parrot

[TelHill]

We cannot control the behaviors of our disordered family-members though, nor can we control what will happen in the future. What we can do is try to focus on the present, on our own behavior and responses and on how we can best prepare for possible future interactions with our BPD family-members.

I have found this to be true. My FOO gaslights, makes empty promises, screams, etc., hoping to control my actions. They appear to look like a movie monster, say Godzilla, making you run into a panic. Remember the real Godzilla was an 8 inch toy or an 6 foot tall plastic replica. Not so scary!

To alleviate feelings of dread and anxiety, and help you at least stay in the present and focus less on what might happen in the future, it can also help to practice mindfulness/meditation.

 I have been thinking about going to Church to regain some hope, but I don't know.

Daily meditation has helped me think more clearly despite fears instilled from my parents and every day stress. I am a practicing Catholic & it's helped me with some caveats. Have noticed parishes are like parents: some are loving and supportive while others have personality issues.  I abandon the latter.

Your thread is titled 'Am I too old to heal?' My answer to that question is no, you most definitely are not too old to heal The thing with our healing though is that it can be painful and does not necessarily always feel like we're healing. Can sometimes even feel that after making progress and moving 1 step forward, we are moving 2 steps back again. That's part of the healing process too. It also isn't necessarily a lineair path, we will find ourselves going back over and over again examining certain issues and working our way through them. Our healing on this board more often than not will require ongoing maintenance, even as we make progress, maintenance will still be necessary, particularly for instance when the holidays come along. As adults we can utilize the new tools and resources at our disposal though to help as get through the tough times, On this board we can support each other in our healing process

Never too late to do anything, including healing. It takes some attention to your thought processes and is challenging. I have gone through and am still going through healing & maintenance. It's not impossible. I hibernate during the holidays as a defense mechanism I guess. They are simply days like the others. I detach. I don't have kids so it's easier for me.

 

[Harri]

Hi Zab!

Yes, the holidays can be rough.  This year has not been so good so far for me either but I am working on it.     I spend a lot of time on Mindfulness (and some on mindlessness too to be honest just to get away from all of the *Stuff*).

You are not too old.  So many of us here are the same age or older. 

It takes some attention to your thought processes and is challenging.

it can also help to practice mindfulness/meditation.

Yes, to what is said here. 

I have been thinking about going to Church to regain some hope, but I don't know.

Don't wait until it feel right or you want to of think you 'know', do it.  Our feelings will follow our actions Zab.  Nothing changes without change and change requires our conscious choice to do things differently in our thoughts and actions.   Change, healing is not a passive process.  Change it up. 

Can you take a look at this article and see if you identify and 'twisted' thinking surrounding what you are capable of doing?  A lot of us here have twisted or distorted thinking and untwisting the thoughts can be part of your active healing process.  See if this applies: 

Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD
Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking - Burns MD

See what you think and we can work it through if you want.   

[TelHill]

(and some on mindlessness too to be honest just to get away from all of the *Stuff*).

Ha ha! Me, too. I'm on YT looking at all sorts of fun stuff about fashion, makeup, skincare, 80s music videos. My relatives don't know it, but I'm on some secret music sharing groups and secret fashion groups on FB. I told them I was leaving because I couldn't stand the drama. (Well, their drama.) I never post on my timeline and unfollowed everyone.
[/quote]

You are not too old.  So many of us here are the same age or older. 

My parents thought I was too old at many ages to do just about anything. I am 55 and plan to return to work. I have to catch up on coding. There is lots of new stuff and I forgot most everything I knew. At my last job, which I left a some months before my husband passed away, we had three people in my department who were in their 70s. They weren't forced to retire. They were encouraged to keep working!  They seemed smarter than some of the new college grads the company hired.

Don't wait until it feel right or you want to of think you 'know', do it.  Our feelings will follow our actions Zab.  Nothing changes without change and change requires our conscious choice to do things differently in our thoughts and actions.   Change, healing is not a passive process.  Change it up. 

My aunt passed away two years ago at age 89. Her husband passed away when she was 63.  At 75,she changed it up. She went to the local senior center and met a wonderful guy. They were together for 5 years. He passed and she met someone else a few years later. She passed away before her new partner did. I met both guys and they were great.

I have had to start over many times in my life. I have to do it now, too. It's a slow process. It's understandable that you are feeling down about the estate issues. I would too. Again, it can perhaps help to negotiate these items. This is just me, but if someone says no or goes to word salad mode, I tend to keep trying to knock through the wall to get a little of what should be mine. If it's overwhelming I take a break. I do keep trying though when I feel stronger. They are your equal no matter what they throw your way. You are no better or worse than them

You have a lot going for you, zabava.  You and the other volunteers on this board are so helpful and clarify our bpd family issues so well.  If today is not great, tomorrow will be better. It's always been that way for most people. 

[GaGrl]

I'm in a starting over phase also. I retired and moved last year. It has been a difficult yeat. I think not working for a year was good for me, but what now?

There are several of us in exploratory and learning spaces.

[Zabava]

Thanks to all of you for your replies.   Harri, I see my twisted thinking:  I catastrophize and over generalize, not to mention fortune telling.  I wonder why so many of us come to face the past at midlife.  I do wish I had a faith community to make sense of it all.

Kwamina,  Thank you.  I agree this process is not linear.  My biggest struggle is to maintain hope.  I am struggling to get mentally well, while also going back to work and school after 15 years as a SAHM.   I feel like caring for young children is my calling and I want to have a career again, but I get discouraged...My mental health issues get in my way. 

Actually, my feeling bad about myself gets in my way.