Thanksgiving/Christmas & family

[Iambagain]

I'm facing holidays yet again and do not want to see siblings or mother.  Last year I had surgery so it was an easy out to say no.  I feel a certain amount of guilt but I'm not up to the superficial politeness while all the 

[Turkish]

What conflict goes on that you don't want to see them?

[Iambagain]

This isn't my favorite time of year.  I dodged going to family events last year because I had surgery day before Thanksgiving.  The year prior, I intentionally arranged to go to someone else's home for Thanksgiving knowing that the one sibling would wait until 3 days or so before to send out an invitation text.   We're older adults and all 5 come from an abusive father (mostly aimed at me) and a manipualitve nariscist of a mother who has never taken responsibility for allowing things to happen and not intervene.  She is toward the latter of her days and I'm haing trouble wanting to even see her before there is no more time.  I'm feeling some guilt and anxiety and a little depression.  Help.

[pursuingJoy]

lambagain, hi!  I dread the holidays too. I hate this, because it wasn't always this way.

Years ago I was a single mom, having been rejected by my family for divorcing my abusive husband. At that time, holidays highlighted all that was wrong with life.

Holidays are really hard for many people, so after years of therapy, healing and healthy relationships, I discovered joy in making holidays special for others. Add 6 years of my BPD MIL and a whole lot of FOG in the mix, I'm back to dreading them.

I'd love to hear more. It sounds like you feel a heavy expectation to get together as a family? Do you want to see your mom in her latter days, or do you feel obliged to see your mom?

I look forward to hearing more, lambagain. 
pj

[Iambagain]

Trying to navigate this board, it's new to me.  One of the replies to my post was " It sounds like you feel a heavy expectation to get together as a family? Do you want to see your mom in her latter days, or do you feel obliged to see your mom?"
   
The answer is yes I have in the past felt obligated both to get together and to see my mom.  I was away from family for many years and when I returned I was expecting everything to be wonderful and all the effects of the abuse that went on in my family to leave no traces.  I envisioned a Walton type family (old TV show) where everyone loved and got along with each other.  I was disappointed and shocked to watch how they picked on directly and indirectly the 4th child (out of 5) in line.  I became a target not long down the line.  It's hard to describe how my father's violent abuse and my mother's lack of involvement and protection played out for everyone.  I was the oldest and my father's primary target.  Each child was affected differently but I clearly became siblings target (fast forward to future) in jesting and otherwise.  The second year I was back, the 2nd child in line commented about how I caused discomfort etc. because when I returned I was giving presents which caused problems because they had stopped doing that.  No one had said anything and he did this in a public place (we had gone out to eat for the holiday) He made a bigggggggggggggg deal about it humiliating me (much more to the story).  Short story I stopped going to anything where he was going to be (for 2 years)  I have another of my 3 brothers who was angry at the rest of them for texting and took it out on me (knowing that I was out of work and vulnerable)  in a voice message for over 4 minutes and then followed up 3 days later in a text that he forgave me 70 times 7 (this was an hour before I had to go into an interview).  I wrote a detailed email to the 3 in the area (included this brother in the email) and detailed everything leading up to the scathing angry voice mail he left me and the text 3 days later and the fact that it shook me up when I went to interview.  I shared this with a close friend out of state and another close friend who happens to have been a clinical psychologist.  I've seen him only once in the past almost 2 years and that was this summer when my mother was having surgery for stage 4 cancer.  I'm feeling guilty about not seeing her because of that, but whenever we have family gatherings she makes horribly inappropriate remarks and snarky ones as well but speaking low enough where the others don't hear her.  This is the same woman who stood by while my father horribly targeted me (beating me up) from the time I was not much more than a toddler (which included some waterboarding to make me stop crying)  She did nothing & it didn't stop until I made him stop at age 16.  She has never apoloigized and I am (as are my siblings) tired of hearing how she as an only child had it so bad because she had to empty out their fish pond and other things we are sick of hearing.   That's a small overview & probably more than anyone wanted to hear. 

[Harri]

Hi lambagain. 

Thanks for sharing more of your story.  We all care here and having more details just helps us see you and your situation better.

Given what you have shared so far, it makes sense that you are not looking forward to the holidays.  I think a lot of us can relate.  I know I could when my parents were alive and even after, it took a few years for me to relax. 

Do you plan on spending the holidays with your family or will you be doing something different this year?

[Iambagain]

I decided to not spend it with them.   There is a preThanksgiving that some of the people at church are having tomorrow.  Not sure how I'm going to feel about being alone Thursday but anything could happen before then.  The more I talk and write about this the less upset and angry I am.  I'm soo much further down the road at this point.  I feel a little more healed than I did last week and more than the week before.  I am looking forward to being free of this stuff, I know the day is coming and look forward with great anticipation.  I may not have the prize in my hand yet but I press on toward the mark.

[Harri]

Hi again.

I am glad you are feeling better about this.  So many people out there are in the same boat.  I will be alone on Thanksgiving too this year and will hang out here and see if I can help someone. 

Some people choose to volunteer at a soup kitchen too.  I don't know if that is your sort of thing or not.

I may not have the prize in my hand yet but I press on toward the mark.

 

[Mommydoc]

I have had a lot of the same feelings about the holidays in the past. It sounds like you are doing what is right for you and feeling better about it. I hope your celebration at Church will provide a positive source of connectedness. Hopefully on Friday, you can focus solely on yourself with self compassion and gratitude for where you are in your life and all the progress you have made (reading your story it is clear you are a strong and resilient person). It  helps me is to focus on the parts of the holidays that brings me joy ( gratitude)and give myself permission to let go of the stuff that stresses me (expectations from others, perfectionism,etc.

[Iambagain]

Thanks for replying to my message.

I've made a decision to have a 1st Christmas meaning I'm going to do things that will enhance and make this a good time for me (first time in my life)  I've watched all the uplifting Christmas movies I could find.  I went to day after Thanksgiving lighting of the downtown Christmas tree (in 2 locations on 2 nights), I looked for all the free things like a hotel that displays elaborate gingerbread houses and another old hotel that displays a life sized (small) gingerbread house as well as an abundance of different decorated Christmas trees in their lobby (free to the public) and a massive decorated Christmas tree that is large enough to reach the balconies on their 2nd floor.  It was amazing.  I purposely sent out 2 Christmas cards (before Thanksgiving) so that at least the 2 most important people in my life get something from me.  I'm thinking about pulling my fake (large) Christmas tree out of storage and putting it up for the 1st time in years.

I don't plan to spend Christmas with the family and indeed my counselor agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea given the fact that I'm the scapegoat for my highly dysfunctional (of older adults) family.

I get the part too about divorcing the abusive husband, I did that too and was a single mom for a while.  That family wasn't kind to me either. 

It's been a lot of work but I think that I'm getting somewhere.