I'm afraid to move

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 28 years old and my mom has BPD. Last time I tried to move out of my family home was almost 10 years ago and the homesickness/anxiety/fear of what was happening was so strong that I ended up moving back home almost immediately. A few weeks ago my mom attempted suicide again and started to really verbally abuse me. I realized that I just can't handle being the target anymore and it is healthier for me to leave. Financially, moving is not a problem but I'm so sad and scared I'm going to miss my parents or I guess the idea that everyone is getting along and happy and I"m missing it.

[christmastree]

I'm 28 years old and my mom has BPD. Last time I tried to move out of my family home was almost 10 years ago and the homesickness/anxiety/fear of what was happening was so strong that I ended up moving back home almost immediately. A few weeks ago my mom attempted suicide again and started to really verbally abuse me. I realized that I just can't handle being the target anymore and it is healthier for me to leave. Financially, moving is not a problem but I'm so sad and scared I'm going to miss my parents or I guess the idea that everyone is getting along and happy and I"m missing it.

[pursuingJoy]

christmastree, it sounds like you're going through a lot right now. We are here and I'm so glad you decided to open up to us. 

So the financial barrier isn't there, that's good! It sounds like the emotional part of moving will be tough, though. That's understandable. Can you talk to us more about that? Does your mom rely on you?

We're here, christmastree!
pj

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Christmastree, 

It's nice to have you here. Welcome! Thank you for sharing a bit of your story.

Do you have any siblings or do you alone live with your mom? Is your dad in the picture as well?

What does your safety plan look like for moving out? I'd love to hear about it! I think having a plan and working towards it can be such a powerful help to us, allowing us to feel less trapped. I'm so pleased that you are focusing on getting safe and staying safe. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 
Wools

[christmastree]

Hi

yes, my mom depends on me alot- primarily for emotional support. After doing further research this week I've realized that we are emeshed. My dad is unfortunately the target of my mom most of the time, my parents are still married despite my pleas for divorce. I also have a younger brother with special needs but although I know he feels the tension at home he is not fully aware of what is happening. , I'm in medical school and being the glue-go between- and my mom's entire support system at home is really affecting my academic performance which is really bad when every exam, every point counts and missteps can put me in jeopardy of not being able to realize my dream of being a physician. I'm just feeling so guilty, overwhelmed and terrified

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear christmastree-

Having your own dreams and actually pursuing them is a wonderful thing.  Good for you.  Please do your best to not stand in your own way of those dreams... and don’t allow anyone to sabotage those, either consciously or not.

May I ask, have you ever felt “allowed” to explore relationships, friendships, romantic, that did not involve your family of origin (FOO)?  Can you speak a bit about these?

What I gather (perhaps in error) from your post is that your deepest fear in leaving your FOO home is that if/when you leave, you’ll be missing all the joys and happiness.  Your FOO will have these experiences and you won’t.  Is that the feeling?  The “fear”?  Of course your BPD mom may also raise the “how could you leave me” topic.

Most “healthy” parents raise us to to find our wings to use them.  They encourage us to fly, to develop relationships outside our FOO homes.

Moving out and having peace in your own starter home does NOT mean you cannot visit your parents and brother a few times a week for meals and “fun”.  You’ll then be able to learn how to establish boundaries, which you’ll need in your medical career!  So why not?  Why not?

You’d not be doing this “against” anyone, you’d be doing this FOR you!  Success in Your life, your studies, your future will serve as a source of pride for you and your family.  Why not, my friend?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[zachira]

You are understandably overwhelmed by how your family is treating you, and you are afraid to move. We are here to listen and support you. You are welcome to post here whenever you want to express your feelings and feel, heard and understood. Going to medical school is extremely challenging and you certainly need to be in the most supportive environment both at home and school. Can you tell us a little more about the challenges of moving out and where you are considering moving to?

[christmastree]

I have been allowed to explore relationships and friendships out side my FOO. I have always been pretty good at making friends so I'm lucky for that. I've never had a romantic relationship I guess in part because I don't know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. I hate to admit that you're right, I am afraid to miss out on the good times but I have to remind myself that my family hasn't had "good times" in a really long time. Most nights end in my mom screaming at my dad and one or both of them being drunk. I'm also afraid my mom will attempt suicide again (it's been at least 7 times) but this time I won't be there to save her. I'm going to be moving a few miles way into my own apartment. It will be nice to have peace and quiet.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear christmastree-

I can feel the fear and sadness in your posts.  I am so sorry.  And understandably, you have “felt” responsible for keeping your BPD mom alive... and you’ve likely felt responsible for your mom’s emotions and wellbeing since you were very young. 

I hope you can see that is not a fair position to be placed in... and I want to say that you are NOT responsible for any decisions your mom or anyone else makes.  Whether she makes these decisions while sober or under the influence.  But I do understand how you’ve been conditioned to FEEL that responsibility, that burden.

And you plan to move only a few miles away, so occasional visits will be easy, correct?  I’m heartened to know that establishing friendships has been part of your life.  Your social experiences can be expanded when you become more comfortable.  And you will.

With your mom’s many suicide attempts, have authorities ever been called?  Has your BPDm ever been admitted to a psyche hospital or had intensive therapy?  Can you give a bit of detail about your dad’s position on things?

Do your parents support your studies and career goals?  Is there any consistency around this?  How do your parents react to your desire to move to your own apartment?

I’m Sorry for all the questions, I don’t mean to be too intrusive.  Please addresss items as you’re ready.

With good therapy and through talking here with others who’ve lived what you’re living, you CAN learn your way OUT of this mindset.  It’s hard, but you can do it.

Have you ever been to therapy for you?  There’s likely counseling available through your school.  Maybe?

I want you to know that you’re in a VERY safe place here.  You can pour it out here.  No need to keep thoughts and fears to yourself or keep things short.  No one will think “oh, long post”; so please, let your thoughts begin to flow from you.  The first step is the hardest.  We understand this, my friend.  And we’re here with open hearts and no judgement.

Sending you strength, and again please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[christmastree]

   I am freaking out you guys. I found a really nice apartment have to move in 10 days. I'm starting to feel the nausea and extreme crippling anxiety I felt last time. Last night I got a headache from the stress. I know this is the right choice but omg I am so so freaked. My therapist has told me I need to at least spend the first 2 months there with no nights at home and work on setting boundaries.

[Harri]

Hi.

I went through the same sort of thing several years back when I moved out.  It was hard and I had panic attacks and chest pains.  Ugh!  I can tell you it gets better.  It takes time, but it does get better.

What helped me was staying focused on the reason why I was moving:  to have my own life, to get away from the emotional abuse, to get away from the fighting.  I also kept reminding myself that my presence in my parents house was not actually preventing anything bad from happening and I could likely help more if I was in a better place myself.

Self talk, positive self talk, had a huge impact on my ability to stay focused and actually move out.  I also kept reminding myself of my anger and I used it, not to hurt anyone, but to motivate me.

So I don't know if self tlk will help  you or not.  What do you think?  Do you want to list some of the things you can focus on rather than the panic and anxiety?  Focusing on the panic and anxiety tend to feed it and make them worse in my experience.

What else can you do?  You posted here for support so that is good.     What else?

Hang in there.  It will get better.

[pursuingJoy]

What helped me was staying focused on the reason why I was moving:  to have my own life, to get away from the emotional abuse, to get away from the fighting.  I also kept reminding myself that my presence in my parents house was not actually preventing anything bad from happening and I could likely help more if I was in a better place myself.

This is really insightful and I agree. Do you have clarity about your goals and the reasons you want to move?

We know this is stressful. We're here if you need a place to vent, need encouragement, or need help developing a moving plan to make sure this is successful.

pj

[GaGrl]

With your emotions heightened, can you focus on which aspects of your move you can control? A moving plan is good. Sometimes, just taking care of the mundane (setting up utilities and cable, buying a necessary piece of furniture) can feel like progress.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Christmastree,

It wasn't so long ago that I moved out as well, and it was pretty scary. I was afraid, and I didn't know how it would be for me. The uncertainty is tough, and I can definitely relate to what you are going through. It helped me to keep my long term focus in mind, to write it down in a little journal so that I wouldn't feel so tempted by my emotions to go back. It helped me to focus on the facts, not on my feelings. Your feelings will be so strong, and you'll feel the pull to return because of the unhealthy bonds that join you. I had these bonds too, and I often felt nauseous and had bad headaches too. It helped me to focus on the next thing only.

So have you boxed up some of your important things that you don't want to lose and have you already relocated them to a safe site? Do you feel that there is a chance that you might not be able to return to collect all of your things? Concentrating on those things that you want to make sure you take with you will help you to focus on this transition. Do you feel able to move them while your mom is there or would you need to have some help to get things out quickly when she is not there? I'm not sure how safe you feel in your environment right now.

 
Wools