'Normal' Healthy relationship after a BPD relationship just doesn't feel right

[LostInMemories]

It's been almost 5 years since my ex with BPD broke up with me in the most horrible way.
After all this time, I have only recently opened myself up for a new relationship. After some minor dating, I did fall in love with this girl, now my Girlfriend.
To say it's different from what I expected is an understatement.. I find it extremely hard to maintain a healthy relationship. I do love her, a lot. I do care for her, and I can feel this relationship is healthy, and how it's 'supposed' to be. Still, I just don't feel the connection and passion that I had with my ex with BPD..
Also, the relationship is giving me a lot of anxiety, where as my previous relationship only decreased my levels of anxiety.

Is it because I'm used to the extremes of being with someone with BPD, so everything feels too 'normal' for me? I'm trying to understand, and figure out, what it is that is keeping me from fully enjoying this relationship.
Also I'm scared to open up, because of the way my ex hurt me and scarred me and my self esteem.

It feels like, with my ex with BPD, I was living in this 'fairy tale' movie-like world where everything was extreme and over the top, and tbh, I know I was (or maybe still am) addicted to that feeling, addicted to the extremes, the abuse, the constant switch between good and bad, addicted to her...

Now, I mostly just feel numb, and I can't decide whether I'm happier now than I was when I was single. I guess I got used to being 'alone' I just expected something so different. I'm just craving for this unrealistic fairy tale, even tho I know It's unhealthy. I did tell my ex when we was still together: "It's either you, or single for the rest of my life"
At the time I really did feel like that, and I guess in some crazy way, I still do.

Off Topic: I'm not new to this forum, just on a new account for privacy reasons

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SinisterComplex]

Best advice I will give and I am not going to pull punches here...don't Eff it up! Yes a bpd relationship will completely ruin you and make it feel like you have the problem and then moving forward it almost becomes like you don't know how to accept normal and healthy anymore. So in that aspect what you are feeling is normal.

Normal, healthy, stable and boring = what you actually want. Trust me!

You are sitting there and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Stop it. This is conditioning done to you from being in a disordered relationship. You have a good woman from what I gather. Hold onto her and get over your sh*t or you are going to push her away and lose her and then you will be dealing with regret and pain. Do not self-sabotage this. Take your time and let the relationship develop and enjoy where the ride takes you.

The BPD ex is a phantom...let that fantasy fade into the sands of time or your present will get ruined and then your future will essentially be a repeat of the past.

Cheers!

-SC-

[LostInMemories]

Thanks for your reply.

You're right, and I know I'm lucky to have her. We love each other. I just wanted to 'vent' this feeling really. It's been bothering me for a while, and I'm really just wondering if there's more people who experienced this.

My ex is a phantom, and I'm trying to let that fantasy be just that: a fantasy. But sometimes I just can't help it but crave that feeling again..

Thanks again for your relpy

-Lostinmemories

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lostinmemories, 

This is a good place to vent, and I'm glad that you are reaching to try and figure this out.  Without self reflection we certainly wouldn't get too far, would we?

You mentioned that it has been 5 years since your break up with your exBPD. I'm curious about what you did to heal from the hurts during those years? Were you ever in T?

There was a time a few months ago when I suddenly realized that there was no drama going on around me. I was maintaining healthy boundaries with DH who I separated from almost a year ago, and that was the main reason for the decrease in drama. Not only that, I also recognized that from my birth I had lived in a life of nearly continual drama. My mom was an uBPD. So here I was, middle aged and drama free for the first time in my life.

There were times that I absolutely loved this new freedom; other times I felt this almost magnetic pull to just create some drama because not having drama left me feeling as if I was in a foreign place. There was no familiarity around me. My "comfort" zone had been disrupted. Now who could ever imagine that living in awful turmoil and violence (during childhood) and emotional abuse would be comforting? Yet it was the boundary (unhealthy as it was) that kept me in a place of consistency. I knew how to function in that environment. I didn't know how to function in a healthy environment.

T has been super helpful for me, bringing stability and trust for the first time ever. I have had to allow myself time to get my sea legs under me with this new phase of my life, and darn it if I'm going to give it up now that I've had a taste of it! I'm adjusting and learning to love it. I also am learning to put good relationships in place to fill those needs for healthy and stable, all while figuring out who I am in this new drama free place.

What do you think of the things I shared? Does it make sense?

Wools

[Rev]

Thanks for your reply.

You're right, and I know I'm lucky to have her. We love each other. I just wanted to 'vent' this feeling really. It's been bothering me for a while, and I'm really just wondering if there's more people who experienced this.

My ex is a phantom, and I'm trying to let that fantasy be just that: a fantasy. But sometimes I just can't help it but crave that feeling again..


-Lostinmemories

This makes total sense - and read what Wools has written. She's been very helpful in my own journey.

I've experienced this many times in my new relationship - that is great and healthy and yet I ruminate - and I've done therapy and the work and yet it still sticks.

One of the common symptoms for men who have come out of toxic relationships are PTSD symptoms - symptoms that get triggered by seemingly unrelated things.  So it is, unfortunately part of it all.

Personally, when this happens, I vent too - I go to a rational place and wait for the difficult feelings to pass. No real need to process them. They are not meant to be processed them. Don't over think it.

My current GF can sense when I'm distant because something has happened to trigger me. She is very understanding and helps me to get the feelings to pass faster by not heeding them.

You sound like you've found something good in your life. Keep it up. You deserve it.

Rev

[once removed]

what were your other past relationships like?

[Skip]

What is missing?

[LostInMemories]

Thanks for all the reply's.

To be honest I'm not totally sure what's missing. The thing is, I'm a very emotional person who openly talks about it to people who are close to me. My girl, she isn't. She has a hard time talking about her feelings. At times I do feel embarrassed when talking about it, it feels like I cannot fully open myself up to her, which I could with my ex. We're very different on this subject.
Also our lifestyle's couldn't be further apart. I'm a very adventurous person, where as she has a very simplistic lifestyle. 'netflix & chill' would be fine for her on a daily basis.
I cannot sit still and do nothing, I need to be doing something at all times. When I just sit there with her, doing nothing, I get extremely anxious.
I do love her, but I just don't know if this is making me happy. I'm so scared to hurt her. Even more than getting hurt myself. I don't know how to explain this, but I'd rather have her leave me than me leaving her. Hypothetical spoken.

Also she has a great desire to have kids. She did tell me in the beginning of our relationship that she didn't know if she'd stay with me if I didn't want any kids. At the time I wasn't sure, but now I am, and I've been for a while. Kids are almost impossible for me because of health issues, which she knows about. I cannot disclose this further because that would blow my cover if she'd find this post.
I know if I tell her this I will probably lose her. I will tell her, but not now. It's winter time and we are both not feeling very well, call it a mild winter-depression.

In short, I'm not really sure if it feels like there's something missing because I'm comparing to my ex, or because well, there's just something missing. I want to make this work, and I don't wanna hurt her. I don't think I could live with that. I'm the kind of person that would stay unhappy in a relationship for years because I'm afraid to hurt her, untill I couldn't take it anymore.
I know this is bad, but that is just how I feel atm.
I don't feel like this all the time. It's like 50/50. 50% of the time I feel happy, and the other 50% I'm doubting and over thinking everything. I keep telling myself the doubts started around winter time, in which I always feel like crap. I just really wanna wait till spring/summer until I make a decision, because to be honest last summer we had an absolute blast together. Maybe this was because we had just started the relationship, I don't know..

what were your other past relationships like?

I haven't had any serious relationships apart from my Borderline ex and my current one. My ex with Boderline was my first ever serious relationship which, I think, makes it even more complicated, because I literally didn't know what 'normal' felt like.

[BobsBurger]

I can sympathise with how you're feeling. I've been dating a girl for about a year now who is stable, kind and loving but she doesn't have the same mad creative energy for adventure my ex had and I hate to say it but the sexual chemistry is nowhere near the same. But then on the other hand she's one of the kindest and funniest people I've ever met and i can't bare the thought of hurting her and making a horrible mistake by giving up on a stable loving relationship. Aaand i'm not that young anymore and would like to have a family one day!

I came across the term ambivalent relationship recently when trying to work out what to do which long story short is when one partner in the relationship is pulling away constantly (often due to pain from past relationships) which creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship where one person's constantly anxious about whether to be in the relationship at all and the others anxious about trying to keep it going. It's hard for everyone and I don't really see how it can resolve itself without making tough decisions and/or therapy.

Good luck and I hope you're able to find a good direction for you both