Trying to Phrase Boundaries Neutrally (and NC to LC update)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

We had decided to go NC with my mom back in September, but after reassessing we decided to change it to very, very LC with a lot of Grey Rock, contact only when necessary. We will send a neutral card for holidays/birthdays and a family gift at Christmas. She is not blocked on the family Instagram account where we share updates of the kids for both sides of the family. We decided to leave that open so that she could see the family updates but are wondering if that is possibly "teasing?" We have decided the kids will not visit her or be put into any position to talk with her until they are old enough to decide if a relationship with her is something that they want.

Her latest message (group message to all the grown kids that are no longer living near her, as always) basically stated that "social media is not acceptable" for her to stay in touch with us all and then she listed what she needs from us: physical pictures of the grandkids, interaction with them, regular phone calls to check in, phone calls for advice, and letting her know "what you need prayer for." And then a bit of a long diatribe about how my two youngest half-sisters don't know any of their family (they have an aunt/uncle and extended family on my stepdad's side a 6 hour drive away that they stay in contact with) and we have all walked out on them and that is so awful for them.

What I want to do is very neutrally state, "This (social media updates) is what we are doing right now. It is what is best for us. Sorry that you don't like it." I want the boundary to be very, very clear, firm, and not apologetic. I also am hesitant to make it sound conditional because I don't want to make it say anything like, "Well, as long as you are nice you can talk to the kids." Is that short statement enough or should I adjust it any?

[skylark23]

Hi all,

We had decided to go NC with my mom back in September, but after reassessing we decided to change it to very, very LC with a lot of Grey Rock, contact only when necessary. We will send a neutral card for holidays/birthdays and a family gift at Christmas. She is not blocked on the family Instagram account where we share updates of the kids for both sides of the family. We decided to leave that open so that she could see the family updates but are wondering if that is possibly "teasing?" We have decided the kids will not visit her or be put into any position to talk with her until they are old enough to decide if a relationship with her is something that they want.

Her latest message (group message to all the grown kids that are no longer living near her, as always) basically stated that "social media is not acceptable" for her to stay in touch with us all and then she listed what she needs from us: physical pictures of the grandkids, interaction with them, regular phone calls to check in, phone calls for advice, and letting her know "what you need prayer for." And then a bit of a long diatribe about how my two youngest half-sisters don't know any of their family (they have an aunt/uncle and extended family on my stepdad's side a 6 hour drive away that they stay in contact with) and we have all walked out on them and that is so awful for them.

What I want to do is very neutrally state, "This (social media updates) is what we are doing right now. It is what is best for us. Sorry that you don't like it." I want the boundary to be very, very clear, firm, and not apologetic. I also am hesitant to make it sound conditional because I don't want to make it say anything like, "Well, as long as you are nice you can talk to the kids." Is that short statement enough or should I adjust it any?

[GaGrl]

This sounds like an opportunity for the BIFF tool -- Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly.

The one thing I would suggest is that you NOT apologize -- she could take that wrong.

[skylark23]

Is this BIFF?

"Right now social media updates is what works for our family. If we decide to do more, we'll be in touch."

The drama is flying in that group right now (from my mom and an older sister at home) and it is really hard for me to just not say, "You all are being really rude and mean right now and this is totally unacceptable and since this is an ongoing problem, this is why we will not be giving you that contact that you want." In the end that won't actually accomplish much.

[Panda39]

Why respond to it at all?  You are not required to respond...to explain* your boundary.  I would ignore it and continue with your LC as you have been.  The LC boundary is to protect you and your family, it is not about punishing her.  She might feel like it is but she's going to believe what she believes not matter what you tell her. 

She's blowing FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt just ignore it.
More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

*Don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Hang in there,
Panda39

[skylark23]

Thanks Panda39.

Normally I do not respond at all. I wanted to just reiterate the boundary one more time and make sure it is very, very clear. Also this time there would be a group of witnesses. In the past I've just stated it in a message directly to my mom. But if that isn't necessary, shoot, I'm happy to stay out and move on.

[TelHill]

Is this BIFF?

"Right now social media updates is what works for our family. If we decide to do more, we'll be in touch."

The drama is flying in that group right now (from my mom and an older sister at home) and it is really hard for me to just not say, "You all are being really rude and mean right now and this is totally unacceptable and since this is an ongoing problem, this is why we will not be giving you that contact that you want." In the end that won't actually accomplish much.

Hi skylark,

Yes, that looks like BIFF to me. It has been a good tool for me to use in emotionally overheated situations - work and with my FOO.

I am practicing staying away from the drama in my FOO as well.   I'm in the US and we had the Jerry Springer talk show on TV 15-20 years ago. Google it if you haven't heard about it. I picture the guests on the talk show flinging chairs at each other when I think of "fixing" a FOO problem.   It makes me laugh. 

Take care!