I don’t love my mother...am I abnormal or is it because of my lost memory

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I already have a thread going (sorry) but after doing so much thinking thinking thinking about her I have come to the conclusion that I do not love my mother. I only feel extreme pity, guilt and shame towards her. 

I have no good memories of ‘just living’ with her, hanging out etc even though I lived with her for 18 years - I have suppressed my entire life memories except a few snippets and lots of bad violent memories. My sister today told me of how my mum drove her ex partners (who I barely remember even though he lived with us) car into a tree on purpose and smashed his computers, shocked I don’t remember this incident as I was about 14 (one of many incidents though) and it’s made me wonder what else I’ve forgotten.

I know my mum never said I love you or was one for cuddles. We got ourselves up for school and walked and she would still be in bed from quite young. I don’t really know what she was like. I think when we’re babies she was loving towards us and she has bursts of it growing up but not after that, until now. . She has a very kind gentle nature now though. It’s weird that she is almost a stranger but also not. I have never relied on her or needed her. When something ever happened to me as a child/teen/adult I never once ran to my mum for help.

Because of this and the anxiety she gives me, I can’t love her.

In recent years she has said i love you maybe twice and it was the weirdest feeling and I strained to say it back and only did because I had to.

Some of the posts I’ve read on here people say how much they love their mothers despite their BPD. It makes me feel like a bad person.

I think it’s also made it very hard to let anyone close to me in my life, and I’m very ‘one strike and you’re out’ which I’m working on and have improved a lot with age.

Sorry if I make no sense it’s so hard to write all the feelings down as they all get confused and tangled and hard to explain due to loss of memory. I feel like none of it’s real.

[SunnyVale]

I already have a thread going (sorry) but after doing so much thinking thinking thinking about her I have come to the conclusion that I do not love my mother. I only feel extreme pity, guilt and shame towards her. 

I have no good memories of ‘just living’ with her, hanging out etc even though I lived with her for 18 years - I have suppressed my entire life memories except a few snippets and lots of bad violent memories. My sister today told me of how my mum drove her ex partners (who I barely remember even though he lived with us) car into a tree on purpose and smashed his computers, shocked I don’t remember this incident as I was about 14 (one of many incidents though) and it’s made me wonder what else I’ve forgotten.

I know my mum never said I love you or was one for cuddles. We got ourselves up for school and walked and she would still be in bed from quite young. I don’t really know what she was like. I think when we’re babies she was loving towards us and she has bursts of it growing up but not after that, until now. . She has a very kind gentle nature now though. It’s weird that she is almost a stranger but also not. I have never relied on her or needed her. When something ever happened to me as a child/teen/adult I never once ran to my mum for help.

Because of this and the anxiety she gives me, I can’t love her.

In recent years she has said i love you maybe twice and it was the weirdest feeling and I strained to say it back and only did because I had to.

Some of the posts I’ve read on here people say how much they love their mothers despite their BPD. It makes me feel like a bad person.

I think it’s also made it very hard to let anyone close to me in my life, and I’m very ‘one strike and you’re out’ which I’m working on and have improved a lot with age.

Sorry if I make no sense it’s so hard to write all the feelings down as they all get confused and tangled and hard to explain due to loss of memory. I feel like none of it’s real.

[Methuen]

Hi Sunnyvale

I don't think you're abnormal.  I think lots of us have mixed feelings about our BPD parent, and have learned NOT to trust others because of our experience.  Everytime we trust our mom and let ourselves think she might love us, another crazy rage with hateful words and behaviors can happen, so it's pretty hard to trust.  I've had trust issues my whole life, and didn't figure out why until a few months ago.  I always blamed it on other things    My theory is that we develop a bit of a defense mechanism to protect ourselves.  For example, if we feel we don't love her, then she can't hurt us...because the hurt is so much worse when it comes from someone we love.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all.  It's just me thinking out loud.  But I can understand why you started this topic as a post, and I really think it's a really great and important topic, and I'm glad you posted it.  It's one of those topics that I think might be the elephant in the room...

In recent years she has said i love you maybe twice and it was the weirdest feeling and I strained to say it back and only did because I had to.

Stay true to your own values.  I don't think you should feel forced to say untruths to protect your mom's feelings.  This sounds like her manipulating you to have her emotional needs met.  Maybe this is a lame or bad suggestion, but can you change the topic suddenly, or fake a sudden meeting you forgot, to escape the situation?  My mom has severe ADHD, so I can easily change the subject and get away with it.  Works every time.  Whatever you do, I think it's important to stay true to your own values.  You don't love her, so you don't have to tell her you do.

It's OK that you have those feelings.  They are there for a reason - because she wasn't there for you as a mother.  That's not your fault.  You were a child.  That experience doesn't change now that you are an adult.  And her behaviors are outside of your control.  You can't change what she's going to say or do to you.  The only thing you can change is how you are going to respond to those words and behaviors in the future.  

Just let your feelings be what they are.  Have a good scream or cry or run a marathon, or keep a journal or do whatever works for you to let those feelings out.

That's all I have.  Others here will have much more.

I believe it's really important to do what you have to do to stay safe - and I believe emotional safety is important like physical safety.  Maybe for now that means just accepting that you don't love your mom and being ok with that.  Nobody here is going to judge you.  You have plenty of company.

I look forward to seeing this thread develop, because I think you've put your thumb on a big and important question.

 

[SunnyVale]

Thank you for your reply Methuen.

This was an impulsive post!

But I’m glad it resonated in the right way, I think you’re right about the defence mechanism and I have detached myself so fully from her that it’s hard to see her as a mother, a mother is generally associated with love and warmth.. Of course she birthed me but is she my mother? Because a mother to me is not this.

It’s something that saddens me so much for her as she has so much love to give and just doesn’t know how.

[zachira]

You have come to a safe place. We are here to support and help you in any way we can. It is normal to not love a mother that did not love you and abused you. It is a life time heartbreak to not be loved by our mother, the person who was supposed to love us unconditionally. It is also normal to only be able to tolerate so many memories of abuse and to not remember until/if it becomes safe to do so. You are wondering about members who post here who say they love their mother who was abusive. I can not speak for others yet I do believe that there are some explanations why: We live in a society that cherishes mothers, and many people do not understand that there are mothers who abuse their children and do not love them. In my case, while knowing that my mother with BPD was extremely emotionally abusive, I  held onto the idea that she loved me in some ways because of the nice things she did, and held onto hope that someday she might love me possibly because of how healing it could have been to be loved by her. I am wondering if you have ever considered therapy. I found years of personal therapy extremely helpful in dealing with all the abuse inflicted on me by my family members. I am also wondering what helps you the most to feel safe and relieves some of the sadness and pain you feel. Take care and keep us posted.

[Panda39]

Hi Sunnyvale,

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle, my partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  However, I relate to this topic too.  I don't have a BPD mother but I do have a controlling critical mother.  She met my material needs, I had things but emotionally she was always critical.   I spent over 40 years trying to be what she wanted me to be...trying to be good enough. 

We played a game one time and the question was asked what was your best Christmas memory with your mother.  I literally had one good Christmas memory out of 47 Christmases.  All my good memories were of my dad, my grandparents, friends and other family.

At 47 I finally realized that I was a good person, that I was liked and loved just the way I am and that my mother's criticisms were all about her and how she thought I reflected on her.  None of it was about me at all. 

I was finally done trying to be what she wanted me to be, her opinion honestly doesn't matter to me anymore.  I see her every few years so my son can visit her and our visits are fine.  Often punctuated with a critical comment, or action that I can now let roll off.  But I can also say that I don't love my mother and I'm not sure that she has ever truly loved me and at this stage of my life I think it's sad but it is what it is. 

Can I act like my mother, oh yes I learned things but I can also recognize the behaviors and talk about them, apologize for them, and do my best not to repeat them.

You are not alone in your feelings about your mom and it is tough because our society puts "the mother" on the pedestal and some mothers don't belong up there some mothers don't act like mothers.

Panda39

[SepiaScarf]

Years ago my UBPD mom asked "do you hate me"  I was 20 something at the time and I answered with an honest YES. At the time I did, I hated her.  It is interesting that you can feel so strongly two ways, I hated the women who stood before me, and I loved the mother she could sometimes be. My stories a little different I have happy memories. Do I love her? I love the mother she could sometimes be. I could never imagine uttering the words I love you to my mom in this current place I am in. I wholeheartedly agree with Metheun, you don't have to say I love you.  I still want all sorts of wonderful things for my mom, success, joy, peace..etc.. but I am not in a place where I can say I love you.

[TelHill]

Years ago my UBPD mom asked "do you hate me"  I was 20 something at the time and I answered with an honest YES. At the time I did, I hated her.  It is interesting that you can feel so strongly two ways, I hated the women who stood before me, and I loved the mother she could sometimes be. My stories a little different I have happy memories. Do I love her? I love the mother she could sometimes be. I could never imagine uttering the words I love you to my mom in this current place I am in. I wholeheartedly agree with Metheun, you don't have to say I love you.  I still want all sorts of wonderful things for my mom, success, joy, peace..etc.. but I am not in a place where I can say I love you.

Sepia, My dBPD mom didn't have to ask if I hated her. I would tell her this all the time when I was a kid. It was my ace in the hole to get her off my back.

That is a great way to put it: I love the mother she could sometimes be.  I feel the same.  She did some nice things for me that only a mom would do. They were overshadowed by being the scapegoat in the family. I was ugly one day, pretty the next, stupid one hour, very smart the next hour.

I feel sorry she has this disorder. I've seen her dissociate many times. That's not a choice  It's not a free pass to abuse me or to think I should not be NC/LC if I wish.



 

[Harri]

Good discussion.  

I just want to chime in and speak as someone who does and did love their mother.

Not all love is because of enmeshment.  
Not all love is the result of a biological imperative (aka survival).  
Not all love is related to the Myth of Motherhood.

Throughout my recovery I discovered I have loved due to enmeshment, the fallacy of motherhood and for what I think were remnants of a survival mechanism.  I also know there was more to it for me.   My mom is dead now and has been for 12 years.   I loved her and I love her still.  For the most part, I did not and do not like her, not when she was alive and not now that she is dead.   I actually do have good memories of my mom and there are things I miss about her.  That is okay and there is nothing wrong with that.

The love I have for her and for others is about me, not them.  It is not predicated upon their behavior and treatment of me.  It is about me and who I am and how my personality characteristics and traits play out in my life for me.  

If you don't love your mother that is okay.  You are not alone.  
If you do love your mother that is okay  You are not alone.  

Love just is, yet it is also a choice.  We can also choose how we act on our feelings.  A lot of people seem to think love requires an act of some sort to go along with it.  It does not.  We no more need to act on our love than we would our anger.  Love does not obligate us.  It does not hobble us.  It does not tie us to another.  It does not have to keep us under the myth of motherhood, the expectations of society nor is our survival dependent on it now that we are adults.

Not loving someone is okay.  You are not less than.
Loving someone is okay.  You are not less than.

 

[Zabava]

Harri and Sunnyvale,

This is something I have been wrestling with a long time.  I too was enmeshed with my bpd mum for years, decades sadly.  This Christmas I spent time with her and my bpd sister out of guilt and oblligation.  I discovered/accepted that I don't enjoy spending time with them and I feel sad when I am with them.

I reject the idea that blood is thicker than water, etc.,  I love the family I have with my husband and kids and the family I have chosen as friends. 

[Methuen]

Goodness Harri.  Your reply could get copywrited. 

I just knew this was going to be a good thread.

And helpful.

Thanks for asking the question Sunnyvale.  You helped us all

[Harri]

Thanks Methuen!  If my ramblings help I am happy!

Zab, it sounds like you have reached a place of acceptance and peace with this and that is a good thing.

it’s made me wonder what else I’ve forgotten.

If there are things you have forgotten or blocked out, they may come back in time as you heal more.  It worked that way for me.

Some of the posts I’ve read on here people say how much they love their mothers despite their BPD. It makes me feel like a bad person.

Everyones experience is different even though we may have a lot of similarities.  When I first came to this sit I was floored to read about people wanting to go to therapy with their moms and wanting to help them... it was so strange to me and took a while for me to reconcile the fact that I did not want to do those things with my mom though I did want her to get better. 

I think it’s also made it very hard to let anyone close to me in my life, and I’m very ‘one strike and you’re out’ which I’m working on and have improved a lot with age.

I used to do the one strike and you're out thing and still have to pull myself back from it sometimes.  It definitely makes it hard to get close to people right?   What have you done to work through it?

[SepiaScarf]

A lot of people seem to think love requires an act of some sort to go along with it.  It does not.

Harri,
    This is my favorite thing ever.. this is what I struggle with so much I love my mom and enjoy having a relationship with her, but no action is ever enough for her.. her famous last words " you don't support me" meaning I don't call her or check in on her enough. There is always that little part of me the wishes that she could understand that my love doesn't disappear because I did not call you. I know she won't ever be able to. I still wish she could. Learning to see this from the BPD perspective, as rejection has been immensely helpful.

[Methuen]

I love my mom and enjoy having a relationship with her, but no action is ever enough for her.. her famous last words " you don't support me" meaning I don't call her or check in on her enough. There is always that little part of me the wishes that she could understand that my love doesn't disappear because I did not call you.

SepiaScarf I connect with what you wrote so much.  My mom is 83 and frail and sustained fractures in her sacrum and pelvis recently.  I nursed her through it for over 4 weeks spending 3-4 hours daily helping and caring for her, and at the end of it she exploded and raged that her pain was all my fault.  Even prior to this, I have spent years sadly stating to my husband that it doesn't matter how much I do or care for my mom, it is never enough.  I recently told my T that it's like a song I learned in school when I was a little girl "There's a hole in my bucket dear Liza dear Liza, a hole".  Except that in my mom's case, there's isn't just a hole, but the entire bottom of the bucket is missing.  I can never fill her bucket because her emotional needs are just too great.  I've just given up trying to be what she wants me to be for her.  I still do what I can for her, but I don't do everything she would like me to do because it would be impossible, and I've finally accepted that.  Therefore, I'm a big disappointment to her.  Since I can't meet her needs, she translates that into me not loving her, and has accused me many times of not loving her.  There are no adequate words to describe what that feels like.  

A lot of people seem to think love requires an act of some sort to go along with it.  It does not.

So Harri is there an answer, for how to assure a BPD mother they are loved?

Or is the answer to this NO, because at the root of the problem for BPD is that they believe they are unloveable?  Thus they keep "testing" us, and we keep "failing" their tests which are impossible to pass, which in turn reinforces their belief they are unlovable?

It's such a horrible disorder, because there just seems to be no exit from the maze for anyone.