Wish me luck

[SepiaScarf]

A few days before Christmas my grandmother passed away, she was 87, and chose to forgo intervention. I am sad but it was expected and she is in a better place, and I got to visit her a couple of times before the end. I only have good memories of her. However, my uBPD mother ( her daughter) feels exactly the opposite, and I validate that my mom had a different experience. When my mom was informed, her response was, sorry for your loss according to my sister.

At any rate.. I am NC with my mom while I heal and learn some new skills. I am terrified that she will be at the funeral tomorrow and try to confront me about my choice to be NC.

I refuse to miss the funeral

So I feeling like I have to be mentally prepared for her to be there even though she "hates" her mom. I think she will show to keep up appearances...and to "suppport" me and my sisters. It also feels like her being there is a chance for her to push this boundary of NC.

Anyways when I role-played with my T her suggestion was to just state" you hurt me and i need time to heal"
but I also feel like for this occasion I need something like. " this is not an appropriate space for this discussion"

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm so sorry you lost someone special to you, sepia. I don't have suggestions, I think a simple statement like the one you practiced is solid. I think you're brave and strong. You will know what to say. We support you and your bpdfamily will be with you tomorrow. 

Let us know how it goes.
pj

[Harri]

Hi Sepia.  I too am sorry for your loss.   

Anyways when I role-played with my T her suggestion was to just state" you hurt me and i need time to heal"
but I also feel like for this occasion I need something like. " this is not an appropriate space for this discussion"

What would adding your phrase mean to you?   What purpose would it serve?

[SepiaScarf]

What would adding your phrase mean to you?   What purpose would it serve?

That is an excellent question. Its really making me think.

I want to have a relationship with my mom at some point. My first instinct was that there had to be a discussion about the NC and or relationship at some point, or that it was going to come up at some point. Taking a step back and thinking about the BPD state of mind, a conversation seems pointless. It won't change her perception of me or the situation. It actually may leave me open as this could sound like there would be a good time or place, allowing her to keep bringing it up. I think that why the T's statement works, its just a fact about my feelings.

Thank you Harri

Thank you PJ  I will !

[SepiaScarf]

I survived...

My uBPD mother did show to the funeral. I was careful to place myself at a distance and not engage. I know from other sources that she supposedly left the funeral early and was sitting in my sister's car crying. The funeral touched on some points that I think stirred up some old emotions for her regarding abandonment and jealousy. I am struggling with the urge to ask my sister how she acted on the car ride home.  I have come to learn that asking just perpetuates the drama and bad feelings. So I am doing my best to leave it alone. I could tell though that my sister felt annoyed by my moms' response to the situation. Her siblings repeatedly stated, "hopefully it was a wake-up call for her"..keep hoping.
I left feeling good but also slightly confused its times like this when she does not rage out or try to break this boundary that have me second-guessing BPD she definitely has some traits.

I am trying to process the path back to LC and what boundaries I need to set for myself and my family

Lots of work to do.

[Harri]

Hi Sepia. 

I have been wondering how things went and I am glad to hear you are okay.   

The funeral touched on some points that I think stirred up some old emotions for her regarding abandonment and jealousy. I am struggling with the urge to ask my sister how she acted on the car ride home.  I have come to learn that asking just perpetuates the drama and bad feelings. So I am doing my best to leave it alone. I could tell though that my sister felt annoyed by my moms' response to the situation. Her siblings repeatedly stated, "hopefully it was a wake-up call for her"..keep hoping.

You are wise to leave this alone I think.  If your sister wants to talk about it you can listen with empathy and validate her but I would not do more than that.   Listening with empathy and validation are tools that will help in any relationship, not just when dealing with pwBPD or BPD traits.  It will be more supportive and helpful for your sister and also great practice using the skills you will need to have LC with your mom.

I left feeling good but also slightly confused its times like this when she does not rage out or try to break this boundary that have me second-guessing BPD she definitely has some traits.

Yes, this can be confusing.  The thing is, the traits of BPD do not always manifest in the same ways even in the same individual, but they are there all the same.  There is no good mom/bad mom or healthy mom/unhealthy mom.  there is just one mom.  A personality disorder is pervasive.  It is easy to forget or think of two different versions of the same person but that can lead to difficulty.  Self-differentiation, boundaries and the communication tools will be vital regardless.

I am trying to process the path back to LC and what boundaries I need to set for myself and my family

What do you want to work on?

[pursuingJoy]

I was thinking about you this weekend, Sepia. Thanks for the update. It sounds like a best-case scenario considering the circumstances.  

I left feeling good but also slightly confused its times like this when she does not rage out or try to break this boundary that have me second-guessing BPD she definitely has some traits.

I've felt this too, I like the way you verbalized it. It can be unsettling when they don't act out, which to me might indicate the level to which we've been conditioned. Like Harri said, though, personality disorders are pervasive. BPD can manifest in more quiet ways that are just as important to understand and identify. Absence of rage or acting out doesn't mean absence of the disorder.

I second Harri. Trust your gut - you're wise to fight the urge to contact your sister to get information.

Opportunities for contact like this provide a test for our progress, to see how we're doing and to challenge us to keep working muscles.  

Outside of the experience with your mom, how was the funeral? You ok?

[Imatter33]

So glad that you got through it.  Proud of you, and sorry for your loss as well.
In the sibling triangle I could relate, since I find myself so curious who they are experiencing, mom updates etc.

I survived...
 I am struggling with the urge to ask my sister how she acted on the car ride home.  I have come to learn that asking just perpetuates the drama and bad feelings.

Trust this. Trust this is what you have known to be true and resist the urge to be "in the know."

I am trying to process the path back to LC and what boundaries I need to set for myself and my family

Me too, so I am not sure what to advise right now but I really congratulate on being at a gathering and getting through. 

[SepiaScarf]

What do you want to work on?

The biggest struggle in our relationship is her feeling of you do not support me and how that translates to you don't love me.
I have been working on my value around this and its something like:
       My relationship with my children and husband come first.
The boundary is what I struggle with here is what I have so far:
        When taking care of my children and husband, I may not always have time to check-in or call. ( should I add something about this not meaning I don't love her ?)

I think the challenging part of this is we got into a similar argument years ago, she accused me of never answering the phone, and at the time she was correct, I often neglected phone calls, because I did not want to deal with her, but at the time the FOG took over and I made sure to answer every phone call I possibly could. Sometimes that same FOG creeps up and I feel like I should be a better person and check in on not just her but on everyone I love.  For me its the suttle way she makes me feel like I am a bad person.

I feel like the second part of this is being clear about what I can do to support her/love her. I am not sure what that is yet, and feel a little like this may be more of an in the moment kind of thing?

Outside of the experience with your mom, how was the funeral? You ok?

The Funeral was very lovely, my gram has a colored history, the Pastor spoke a lot about forgiveness, and so I guess that has kinda provoked my wanting to shift to LC. My cousin spoke of how our Gram stated that she had done awful things to her children and despite what she had done they still loved her and that was her greatest gift, all of which is true. She may have not been a great mother but at the end of her life, she was a great person and grandmother. I always thought about how she never judged me for how often I visited and how she was always happy to see me, and how she just had this general happy to be alive personality, rarely complained. I want that for myself, that peace in life, therefore I want to forgive my mom and show her as much love and kindness as I can within a BPD like relationship.

[SepiaScarf]

I feel like the most revealing thing for me about this whole situation was the number of physical anxiety symptoms I had, I am learning that my anxiety is sometimes more subconscious than conscious.

[pursuingJoy]

The biggest struggle in our relationship is her feeling of you do not support me and how that translates to you don't love me.

This has to be hard, Sepia. My H definitely gets this message from his mom. It's a lot of weight to carry, so I'm glad you're looking to unpack it and put this burden down.

I have been working on my value around this and its something like:
       My relationship with my children and husband come first.
The boundary is what I struggle with here is what I have so far:
        When taking care of my children and husband, I may not always have time to check-in or call. ( should I add something about this not meaning I don't love her ?)

I think that some parts of boundaries are best left implied, simply lived, if you will. My MIL has been conditioned to expect a phone call from H every morning between 6 and 6:30. If he decided to change it, I think he might have more success in moving her spotlight focus to a different time or day instead of reasoning with her about why he needs to call less. In customer service they train you to focus on the yes, not the no. Maybe it will work to give your mom something she can rely on consistently - a call every Monday night, for example.

Maybe give yourself a standard as to when you'll return texts (eg, wait one hour before responding). If she gets upset, have a practiced and calm statement like, "Mom, you taught me that my kids and husband should come first. Being busy means I am unable to respond immediately. I know you can empathize. Thank you for understanding and patience."  Or something that works for you.

I have no doubt that you'll know what to say and how to say it. Just trying to offer other ideas as you've done for me!

For me its the suttle way she makes me feel like I am a bad person.

Ugh this is hurtful. And completely, 100% untrue. Your kindness and thoughtfulness comes through loud and clear. Your love for your mom, even though she's hurt you, is very evident. You're normal and healthy for needing and wanting boundaries. They make her feel uncomfortable and that's ok. She can find a new normal.  

I feel like the second part of this is being clear about what I can do to support her/love her. I am not sure what that is yet, and feel a little like this may be more of an in the moment kind of thing?

Sounds like this is important to you. Instead of leaving it case by case, I might suggest that you give her something to rely on, something consistent, whatever that is. Add more when you can or want to, but this consistency might be calming for her in the long run? Again, you know best. I have full confidence that you'll work something out that's best for you.

I want that for myself, that peace in life, therefore I want to forgive my mom and show her as much love and kindness as I can within a BPD like relationship.

It fascinates me that different people can experience loved ones in completely different ways. It sounds like the funeral was a very genuine and heartfelt acknowledgment of your gram's life. The fact that you took the message to heart and feel prompted to make a different decision is moving.  

So how did your anxiety show up? My H has high blood pressure. I know many others here can relate.

[SepiaScarf]

So how did your anxiety show up? My H has high blood pressure. I know many others here can relate.

Chest pain mostly, (I have had every cardiac test my heart is fine). It used to be digestive I feel like I have figured out how to turn that particular physical symptom off, through breathing exercises and taking a time-out, but in the last few years it shows up as chest pain, breathing and exercise help but aren't as effective.

I feel a lot of the time I won't realize something is making me anxious until the physical symptoms start. Then I have to stop and be like okay what am I feeling, what bothers me, sometimes I have convinced myself that I was fine, but the symptoms are telling me something different. Working on figuring out how to be aware of my own anxiety.