I'm honestly repulsed by her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All

everything that bothers me, each and every thing, is over here with me.

Once I see that I am being hooked, by say, he is usually always late.  Once I see what irritates ME, I can work on a solution.

In program we say the solution is never in the problem.

Zen like right.?

I can't hope, wait, pray for others to change.

I know this sounds counterintuitive.  I am the only one who can change!
Then, like a miracle, they change.!

it truly is a miracle.

Work on the smallest thing first.

Let's say, cap off of the toothpaste.
That level.

Solve that one thing. (Get my own tube of toothpaste, however you are going to solve this one. small. thing.)
Next day. dirty dishes in the sink.(paper plates.  Or I can do dishes. and so forth)

You will be amazed how much you can change in 30 days.

The cumulative effect is beautiful.

[juju2]

Hi All

everything that bothers me, each and every thing, is over here with me.

Once I see that I am being hooked, by say, he is usually always late.  Once I see what irritates ME, I can work on a solution.

In program we say the solution is never in the problem.

Zen like right.?

I can't hope, wait, pray for others to change.

I know this sounds counterintuitive.  I am the only one who can change!
Then, like a miracle, they change.!

it truly is a miracle.

Work on the smallest thing first.

Let's say, cap off of the toothpaste.
That level.

Solve that one thing. (Get my own tube of toothpaste, however you are going to solve this one. small. thing.)
Next day. dirty dishes in the sink.(paper plates.  Or I can do dishes. and so forth)

You will be amazed how much you can change in 30 days.

The cumulative effect is beautiful.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alleyesonme]

Hi All

everything that bothers me, each and every thing, is over here with me.

Once I see that I am being hooked, by say, he is usually always late.  Once I see what irritates ME, I can work on a solution.

In program we say the solution is never in the problem.

Zen like right.?

I can't hope, wait, pray for others to change.

I know this sounds counterintuitive.  I am the only one who can change!
Then, like a miracle, they change.!

it truly is a miracle.

Work on the smallest thing first.

Let's say, cap off of the toothpaste.
That level.

Solve that one thing. (Get my own tube of toothpaste, however you are going to solve this one. small. thing.)
Next day. dirty dishes in the sink.(paper plates.  Or I can do dishes. and so forth)

You will be amazed how much you can change in 30 days.

The cumulative effect is beautiful.

As always, great advice from you.

I guess I'm at a point where I feel like I've tried everything I can, and she isn't putting in any effort at all. That has caused me to feel a ton of resentment toward her.

The only "changes" I can think of that I could make to compromise regarding her complaints is to voluntarily reduce the amount of time I spend with my daughter to virtually zero, which is completely unfair to both me and my daughter.

Everything else that she snaps at me about is almost completely unforeseeable, so it's not like I can make a small tweak in advance in order to help. I've still tried to do this anyway, though, which has been beyond emotionally exhausting for me over the last several years.

[once removed]

it sounds like your mind is mostly made up, and you are headed toward divorce, short of her going to DBT therapy and remaining in it. do i have that right?

if so, then the mode you need to be in is more "make the best out of a bad situation for a while" than "actively try to rebuild this marriage". that sounds, more or less, like the mode you are in.

the tools are the same, but they are different modes with different objectives. if youve given up, you still want to keep the peace as much as possible, and you want as amicable a divorce as possible. i would be looking into, and working the co-parenting tools immediately.

if you arent sure, i would still work the latter (try to improve the marriage).

When I referred to mirroring, I meant more along the lines of just showing awareness for her emotions (ie "Wow, you seem really frustrated"), and doing so in a calm way. That way, I don't absorb those emotions and she's forced to deal with them on her own, and it also validates her emotions, which is something she didn't get when she was growing up.

i would think of this more in terms of active listening (with empathy).

and this is one major difference in modes. if you are heading toward divorce, i would focus less on creating a validating environment, and mostly just make it a less invalidating environment. youre not trying to connect...just trying to keep the peace. if youre trying to improve/rebuild the marriage, context is everything..."wow you sound really frustrated" could come off as condescending, or telling someone how they feel, or it could be how the two of you talk to each other (assuming, in this case, that thats a good thing).

one of my favorite go tos for the kind of thing youre talking about is The Power of Asking Validating Questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

nothing is more important than sincerity, and authenticity...the natural tendency is to learn these methods and then use them unnaturally, and in a way that inevitably becomes condescending and robotic. examples are examples; you dont want to verbally copy and paste them, so to speak. for instance, i wouldnt use most of the examples in that link, because they arent how i talk, and anybody i know would see right through it. all of these things should be applied globally, and in the context of how you and your wife communicate.

She isn't capable of doing that at all, and it will cause her to spiral out of control (eventually taking it out on me) at home and at work (when she was working) as time passes. That's why I feel the need to try to help right away.

why do you think this is happening?

[juju2]

alleyes

so one thing that is concerning that I went thru is that if my mind is made up, all information gets funneled into the same basket, "i'm outta here" and no information is funneled into "this is good" or "this is the first start of good".  my mind is seared.

if you are set on the divorce path, it's maybe helpful to try a mini divorce, take time away, see how it feels to you to be without your beloved daughter and see if anything else is revealed to you.

When I am in sincere inquiry, in my experience, things I never would have noticed before become revealed.

[alleyesonme]

it sounds like your mind is mostly made up, and you are headed toward divorce, short of her going to DBT therapy and remaining in it. do i have that right?

if so, then the mode you need to be in is more "make the best out of a bad situation for a while" than "actively try to rebuild this marriage". that sounds, more or less, like the mode you are in.

the tools are the same, but they are different modes with different objectives. if youve given up, you still want to keep the peace as much as possible, and you want as amicable a divorce as possible. i would be looking into, and working the co-parenting tools immediately.

if you arent sure, i would still work the latter (try to improve the marriage).

i would think of this more in terms of active listening (with empathy).

and this is one major difference in modes. if you are heading toward divorce, i would focus less on creating a validating environment, and mostly just make it a less invalidating environment. youre not trying to connect...just trying to keep the peace. if youre trying to improve/rebuild the marriage, context is everything..."wow you sound really frustrated" could come off as condescending, or telling someone how they feel, or it could be how the two of you talk to each other (assuming, in this case, that thats a good thing).

one of my favorite go tos for the kind of thing youre talking about is The Power of Asking Validating Questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

nothing is more important than sincerity, and authenticity...the natural tendency is to learn these methods and then use them unnaturally, and in a way that inevitably becomes condescending and robotic. examples are examples; you dont want to verbally copy and paste them, so to speak. for instance, i wouldnt use most of the examples in that link, because they arent how i talk, and anybody i know would see right through it. all of these things should be applied globally, and in the context of how you and your wife communicate.

why do you think this is happening?

A lot has happened since my last post here.

I typically stay up much later than my wife does so I can get some work done and also unwind before going to bed without here being around. We got in a fight Wednesday night where we both agreed that a divorce needs to happen soon. I woke up Thursday morning, and my wife and daughter weren't here. My wife's car was still here, and the vast majority of their belongings were still here, so it wasn't like they'd moved out. They often go on walks in the morning, so I just assumed at first that that's what had happened. By 2 pm, they still hadn't returned, and my wife sent me a text saying she had taken our daughter to her parents' house, which is 2-3 hours away. They came here to pick her up Thursday morning. She said she needed to get away for a couple of days.

I was naturally furious that she would take our daughter away unilaterally like that, and started calling around to attorneys that I know to find out what recourse I might have. I also checked our bank account, and on her way out of town, she drained our savings and checking accounts to near zero. Fortunately, I have another account that she knows about but doesn't have access to, so I'm still able to get by for the time being.

It's Saturday now, and they still haven't returned. I miss my daughter so much, and have no idea when I'll get to see her again. I have interviewed several attorneys, and am heavily leaning towards filing for divorce on Monday.

As you all know, I've been extremely unhappy in this marriage and have been seriously contemplating a divorce for a long time now. I felt like I was doing as much as possible on my end in terms of learning, informing myself and getting all my ducks in a row to prepare for it if/when the time came. I've been emotionally prepared to be done with my wife for a long time now, but wasn't emotionally prepared for a divorce that would cause me to be away from my daughter immediately. I never expected it to happen RIGHT NOW.

From speaking with attorneys, relatives and friends, everyone has said they think I need to file for divorce ASAP, and this is my tentative plan at this point. There's no good time for a child's parents to get divorced, but if it's going to happen at some point anyway, then I do think it's better to happen when my daughter is as young as possible (now).

I'm home alone right now, and obviously have a lot to think about, as this is the most important decision I've ever had to make. Due to my wife's documented physical abuse against me in our daughter's presence, and her history of physical abuse against previous romantic partners, I think I have at least some chance to get more than 50% shared parenting, and I'm planning to push for 100%. I understand that I may be in for the biggest fight of my life.

The one thing giving me pause as I think everything over is that thought of whether I can be the one that "saves" my wife. What I mean is that I've done a decent amount of research and learning, and have tried to work on implementing various tools to help her. I acknowledge that I'm nowhere close to perfect at applying those tools, though. A lot of the posters here are much more skilled with these tools than I am.

So is this a situation where, if I make an even more devoted effort to improve at using those tools, we can eventually have a breakthrough? And then in 10 years, we can still be married with a happy child, and look back on this dark period and be grateful that we didn't give up?

I have no idea. On the other hand, she's shown zero willingness to meet me anywhere close to halfway in terms of making significant changes in her behavior. Her family is also clearly against me and hasn't tried to persuade her to make any changes.

Regarding the draining of the bank accounts, she hasn't worked in several years, so that's all the money she had access to. It's possible that she's already filed for divorce and I just haven't gotten served yet, and it's possible that she's about to file for divorce any day. It's also possible that, in anticipation of me potentially filing, she felt it was necessary to leave and to drain our bank accounts so she knew she'd have enough money (and our child with her) to hire an attorney if I filed for divorce.

This is an absolute mess. 

[juju2]

Hi all.

It's going to be ok.

I never make good decisions in reaction mode.

When I react, knee jerk, I regret it.

It's not powerful.

Breathe.

So this may be part of you finding out how you do when away from your daughter and is this what you want.

It takes you being willing to change.

It looks like it is her.

Whenever I am sure it's him that needs to change, it's me.  That is the signal it's me.

Breathe.  May peace be with you.

You do not need to react now.

[alleyesonme]

Hi all.

It's going to be ok.

I never make good decisions in reaction mode.

When I react, knee jerk, I regret it.

It's not powerful.

Breathe.

So this may be part of you finding out how you do when away from your daughter and is this what you want.

It takes you being willing to change.

It looks like it is her.

Whenever I am sure it's him that needs to change, it's me.  That is the signal it's me.

Breathe.  May peace be with you.

You do not need to react now.

Thank you for the support. This is obviously all-consuming right now.

I don't know how else I can really change at this point. I can improve at some of the tools we've discussed here, but if she doesn't make any effort to change on her end, then we have no chance.

I feel like I do need to do *something* soon (most likely on Monday) - whether it's filing for divorce or proposing a trial separation - to at least get my daughter back even if it's on a shared basis.

I've had a number of 1-2 hour conversation with friends and family that I trust and respect over the last three days, and feel like I've thought through most of the possible options I have. So on one hand, this does feel like I'm being forced to make a decision before I'm ready, but on the other hand, I've given it plenty of thought.

[juju2]

Hi All.

So you probably won't like what I have to say about advice from friends and family.

It's biased.  They want to see you not complaining.  They are partial.  Is that a word.

You really do not need that.  This place here is the closest to impartial you can get. 

If you think about it, how do they (friends and family)know what is best.  All they want is to comfort you., have you not upset...

All that happened is your wife and daughter went on a trip, allocated money, texted you their plans.

You were not awake.

It's an opportunity for you to see how you handle being alone.

[alleyesonme]

Hi All.

So you probably won't like what I have to say about advice from friends and family.

It's biased.  They want to see you not complaining.  They are partial.  Is that a word.

You really do not need that.  This place here is the closest to impartial you can get. 

If you think about it, how do they (friends and family)know what is best.  All they want is to comfort you., have you not upset...

All that happened is your wife and daughter went on a trip, allocated money, texted you their plans.

You were not awake.

It's an opportunity for you to see how you handle being alone.

Always enjoy your perspective on things, and I really appreciate you taking the time to help. You definitely have a point, as I'm the only one that has experienced all of this first-hand.

Today, I was looking at old journal entries I wrote from 1-5 years ago, and it really hit home with me that she's been this way for a long time, hasn't improved at all, hasn't made any effort to improve, and hasn't even acknowledged that she needs to improve. Not only that, but her parents think I'm the one at fault here, and they're her closest advisors.

My point is that this has been a long time coming. I've wanted out for a long time now, and the only reason I was hanging in there was for my daughter. To me, my wife doing what she's done is further proof that she has no plans to take any initiative to change and make our marriage work. I've done all the work, and she hasn't done any. With that in mind, it's virtually inevitable that this will end in a divorce, whether it's now, in 6 months, a year, 2 years, etc. If that's the case, then it's best to get it over with now while my daughter is at her youngest. She's 2 now, so this will have less impact on her if it happens now than if I wait.

So yes, in a vacuum, you're right that they just went on a trip and reallocated funds. But in the context of our entire relationship, I think this is the sign I was looking for that it's time for it to end.

[blue_watermelon]

Hi Alleyesonme,

Thanks for sharing your story here. Such a tough time when the relationship breaks down in a way you told yourself was not "our story". Like you, I thought I could hold this family together. I thought I could be the stable, loving influence in my H's life in order that he could grow and change. I hate thinking about separation because I think about how it will affect H negatively, how he will feel there is no one in the world that cares about him. I do care about him. I will care about him even if we are divorced. But I am beginning to understand that being together right now is not loving him, me or our son. None of us are flourishing. And my son and I are at risk because of his volatile and intimidating behavior. 

I hope this time apart can give you clarity about what is best for the future of you, your wife and your daughter. I agree that you would need to file for custody of your daughter. It would be dangerous for her to be with your wife. You don't need to wait for your daughter to stop nursing. Nursing is a beautiful thing, but children thrive bottle fed as well.

[juju2]

Hi all.

You didn't say what else happened, did she say what she is doing next.

By being in a relationship w pw bpd you by default become the leader.  In every thing.

I would say you did not do well as a result of them leaving you.

I do not know how you are going to do w the trauma of divorce.  Our society glamorizes breakdowns, which divorce is. 

It just seems like people have to make the hardest choices when they are least capable, being upset, worried, and out of sorts.

I still vote for self imposed trial separation.

Minimum 90 days.  Shared custody, every other week.

[alleyesonme]

Hi Alleyesonme,

Thanks for sharing your story here. Such a tough time when the relationship breaks down in a way you told yourself was not "our story". Like you, I thought I could hold this family together. I thought I could be the stable, loving influence in my H's life in order that he could grow and change. I hate thinking about separation because I think about how it will affect H negatively, how he will feel there is no one in the world that cares about him. I do care about him. I will care about him even if we are divorced. But I am beginning to understand that being together right now is not loving him, me or our son. None of us are flourishing. And my son and I are at risk because of his volatile and intimidating behavior. 

I hope this time apart can give you clarity about what is best for the future of you, your wife and your daughter. I agree that you would need to file for custody of your daughter. It would be dangerous for her to be with your wife. You don't need to wait for your daughter to stop nursing. Nursing is a beautiful thing, but children thrive bottle fed as well.

Yes, it's a very tough time. Thank you for joining this thread as well.

I'm sure you can relate to this, but it increases the pressure and stress surrounding these life-altering situations exponentially when kids are involved. I'm in a lot of pain, am very confused, am livid at the nature of our legal system, and miss my daughter incredibly.

I filled out the paper work to file for divorce on Tuesday, and my attorney was going to file it with the court first thing Wednesday morning, but my wife actually filed at the end of the day on Tuesday.

Our attorneys have been communicating, but my wife is refusing to let me see my daughter for more than 3 hours a day, 3 days a week. This is absurd that I have to negotiate to see my daughter, when I have the exact same right to her as my wife does. I'm really hoping that in the long run, this helps me build my case to the court about how unstable she really is.

[alleyesonme]

Hi all.

You didn't say what else happened, did she say what she is doing next.

By being in a relationship w pw bpd you by default become the leader.  In every thing.

I would say you did not do well as a result of them leaving you.

I do not know how you are going to do w the trauma of divorce.  Our society glamorizes breakdowns, which divorce is. 

It just seems like people have to make the hardest choices when they are least capable, being upset, worried, and out of sorts.

I still vote for self imposed trial separation.

Minimum 90 days.  Shared custody, every other week.

Haven't been able to get on here the last few days, but as I mentioned just now in the post above, she filed for divorce on Tuesday. That was actually a good thing in the sense that now my attorney knows who her attorney is, so they were able to start communicating. I'm hoping to see my daughter again this weekend.

I completely acknowledge that I didn't say and do everything perfectly every step of the way, and maybe if I had, my wife would have had some sort of breakthrough. My failure to do that is part of the reason why she left - absolutely. I also know that it takes two people to have a successful marriage, and when the dysregulated person makes zero effort to improve, that makes it miserable for the other partner. My life has been hell for the last few years. My daughter is amazing, and I'm incredibly grateful to have her, and she is by far the highlight of every day.

If someone else is able to form a functional marriage with my STB ex wife, all the power to them. I

[alleyesonme]

I still vote for self imposed trial separation.

Minimum 90 days.  Shared custody, every other week.

I've actually been kicking this idea around in my head. Once I've gotten to see my daughter again a few times, I may propose this trial separation, on the condition that my wife would immediately begin regular DBT therapy and take it seriously. I honestly don't think she'll agree to it based on knowing her and her mom, but that's the last card I have to play in an attempt to save my daughter from going through a divorce. If she isn't willing to do that, then we have no chance anyway.

[alleyesonme]

You don't need to wait for your daughter to stop nursing. Nursing is a beautiful thing, but children thrive bottle fed as well.

Great point about nursing. I know it would be a tough adjustment for my daughter to make, but she'd be fine. The fact that she's still nursing is why my wife believes she can't let our daughter out of her sight for more than 3 hours at a time. Fortunately, my attorney realizes how ridiculous and unfair that is.

[juju2]

Hi all. 

You are a strong person and you will make it. 

It sounds like you have a strong support system too.  Take great care of your well being, it's hard to do in the midst of crisis and even more important now.  My first sponsor would listen to my latest story, I would be so upset about x,y,z.  After listening to me for several minutes.  All she would say is, what are you doing for your well being?

If you would have a chance to talk to your wife, I hope you would see if she is up for pausing the legal stuff and the two of you doing trial separation.? 

I really hope for families.  There are difficulties.in all relationships.  Look at my situation.
No one is immune.  You guys have a huge positive, your shared daughter.
No one loves her more than you and your wife.  That's a great recognition and a huge positive...

Find peace, hope, strength each day.  And tomorrow is a new day!

[alleyesonme]

Hi all. 

You are a strong person and you will make it. 

It sounds like you have a strong support system too.  Take great care of your well being, it's hard to do in the midst of crisis and even more important now.  My first sponsor would listen to my latest story, I would be so upset about x,y,z.  After listening to me for several minutes.  All she would say is, what are you doing for your well being?

If you would have a chance to talk to your wife, I hope you would see if she is up for pausing the legal stuff and the two of you doing trial separation.? 

I really hope for families.  There are difficulties.in all relationships.  Look at my situation.
No one is immune.  You guys have a huge positive, your shared daughter.
No one loves her more than you and your wife.  That's a great recognition and a huge positive...

Find peace, hope, strength each day.  And tomorrow is a new day!

Thank you so much. Your support on here has been amazing, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!

Great tip about taking care of my well being. The last 10 days have been such a whirlwind with so many things to do and huge decisions to make that that has been a challenge, but I think that may slow down a bit once we get further into the process.

Such a great point about our daughter. I haven't proposed it yet, but my instinct is that my wife would reject any proposal that required her to get DBT therapy. Without that happening, she'll never make a lasting change, and we'd just be delaying the inevitable.

I love where you're coming from, and for my daughter's sake, finding a way to make this marriage last would be enormous.

I'm still open to a trial separation, but I also have some serious concerns about it. Even with the attorneys involved right now, it's still been a giant pain to agree to any parenting time for me. Getting her to agree to 50/50 time during the separation may be impossible. Even 75/25 may not be possible. She literally has to get her way in every situation, or else, no matter what the legal system or society has to say about it.

My wife has been verbally and physically abusive with me for awhile now. I've defended myself by saying some hurtful things back to her, but never anything approaching what she's said to me. And I've never even come close to getting physical with her. One concern is that, with the stakes that much higher now, she could become even more abusive. And what if, for the first time in my life, I make a huge mistake by retaliating and getting physical with her? At that point, I could lose everything.

Also, what if she completely fabricates something that I did, and it turns into a he-said/she-said situation? The man is generally guilty until proven innocent in those cases. Even if I can prove my innocence, that can completely destroy my reputation in the meantime.

There's also a ton of resentment and lack of trust right now both between my wife and I and our families. If the two of us start to extend the olive branch, I think our families would follow. However, I honestly don't know if my wife has the emotional capabilities of an adult in order to do that.

Another concern is that, if I propose this, even if my wife turns it down, it could hurt my chances for full custody down the line if we end up getting divorced. If I thought there was a good chance she'd agree to the trial separation, I'd be more likely to take this risk. But I honestly don't think she'll agree to it, so I don't know that it's worth the risk.

[alleyesonme]

Hi all. 

You are a strong person and you will make it. 

It sounds like you have a strong support system too.  Take great care of your well being, it's hard to do in the midst of crisis and even more important now.  My first sponsor would listen to my latest story, I would be so upset about x,y,z.  After listening to me for several minutes.  All she would say is, what are you doing for your well being?

If you would have a chance to talk to your wife, I hope you would see if she is up for pausing the legal stuff and the two of you doing trial separation.? 

I really hope for families.  There are difficulties.in all relationships.  Look at my situation.
No one is immune.  You guys have a huge positive, your shared daughter.
No one loves her more than you and your wife.  That's a great recognition and a huge positive...

Find peace, hope, strength each day.  And tomorrow is a new day!

These are huge decisions for both me and my daughter, and I'm trying to think about every aspect of it both in the short term and long term. The way I see it, if we get divorced right now, the "worst-case" scenario would be that I get 50/50 custody. While that's not as much as I want, I'd still be able to have an amazing relationship with my daughter. Whenever she's with me, she'd get to experience a normal, functional environment where there isn't any tension and she doesn't have to walk on eggshells or worry about what her parents are doing/saying to each other.

Ideally, I'll find a much better romantic partner at some point, which will provide an example of what a healthy and happy marriage looks like, so my daughter will be more likely to have that when she's older. I can't let her get into a similar mess as I'm currently in when she's older.

If I propose the trial separation, for the reasons stated in the previous post, there are significant risks involved that could end with me getting much less than 50/50 custody, and I'd probably have no chance at getting full custody.

The obvious benefit of avoiding having to put my daughter through a divorce can't be overstated. But how likely is that to happen? And are the risks worth taking when I have no idea what my wife will say/do at any given moment?

[juju2]

Hi all

so you would probably want to pray about it.

Before I got divorced I prayed and fasted 5 days.

Whatever your beliefs are, you could pray to the God of your understanding.

More will be revealed to you. 

That's what I found.

[alleyesonme]

Hi all

so you would probably want to pray about it.

Before I got divorced I prayed and fasted 5 days.

Whatever your beliefs are, you could pray to the God of your understanding.

More will be revealed to you. 

That's what I found.

Good advice. I've been doing that more than ever lately, and plan to continue doing so.

[once removed]

im really sorry this is all going on man.

its a pretty traumatic experience. i hope that you will continue to seek support. its kind of survival mode right now, youre in a logistical battle over something no one ever wants to, ever sets out to go through, and youre fighting for your daughter, and there are also several other emotional blows at the same time.

we are here for you.

[alleyesonme]

im really sorry this is all going on man.

its a pretty traumatic experience. i hope that you will continue to seek support. its kind of survival mode right now, youre in a logistical battle over something no one ever wants to, ever sets out to go through, and youre fighting for your daughter, and there are also several other emotional blows at the same time.

we are here for you.

Thank you for the support. It's an absolute nightmare. If someone had told me when I was a kid that I'd be in this position as an adult, I never would have believed them. All I can do now is move forward and make the best out of it.

I'm hoping we can get a temporary custody hearing ASAP, as then I'd have a chance to get 50/50 visitation until the divorce is finalized. However, the courts are so backed up due to COVID-19 that I have no idea when we'll have that hearing. Without even knowing it, my daughter is my inspiration every step of the way. This would be much easier (still not easy by any means) if I got to see her a lot more.