Coming to the end of uni, feelings

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, it is now almost a year since my ex had her anger outburst in front of her family, and ended things with me very soon after...

I still see her in class and around campus. She hasn't spoken to me and I doubt she ever will - there is still 000.09 hope within me that she might, but I try to quash that when it arrives. I feel as if there isn't anything left to really talk to each other about, I can't imagine what we would talk about, to be honest. I am quite sad, coming to the end of the degree. Mostly, when I first saw her, I really thought she was amazing, beautiful. And we had that wild connection, that I mistook for some sort of true love - and I believed it would go somewhere.

It's sad to look back and realise that for so many different reasons it couldn't have worked out the way I wanted it to. Now we don't even talk! It's... yes, it's upsetting, but I think it's for the best. I think she probably did the right thing by blocking me - it wasn't healthy at all, and I dread to think how much more time I would have been locked into that situation if we kept in touch.

The last time I saw her I am sure she did look at me a few times; I kind of looked 'through' her and she was definitely looking in my direction. I do wonder what she thinks of me, but again I try to quash that when it comes. Thinking about it won't provide me an answer! I worry about how often I still think about her, and hope it eventually dies down.

Last week on Thursday, I became consumed with adrenaline and started walking towards her classroom, adamant that I was going to talk to her, tell her how I felt about her - I have no idea actually, what I was going to say. But halfway there, I stopped. I thought, what am I doing? And I went back to my own classroom. I'd been triggered by thinking about us when we were dating, and felt all sorts of emotions. So when I got back into the room, I wrote down how I was feeling, and why it wouldn't be great to approach her, what the bigger picture is, etc - basically using the 'WiseMind' technique. It felt good being able to control my emotions in that way, and calming myself down.

I feel quite nervous about leaving uni and never seeing her again. But perhaps that's really for the best, and I don't think we would have ever been long-term, anyway. I found out that she is in fact single, which surprised me - I'd been convinced she wasn't. But it did help me to feel less distressed, I'd been convinced she was living some 'better' life without me. Anyway. We couldn't have lasted; she is not in the right place to be with anyone, and maybe I'm not, either.

I'm not perfect though, and I'm sure there were things I did that contributed to the dynamic.. although my therapist doesn't think so, and thinks I blame myself a lot, which I do.

Wow, I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Clearly I still have quite a lot going on internally, regarding her. I wish we had worked out, I guess. But from all the reading I've done about BPD everywhere, it doesn't seem like it can, without huge amounts of therapy. I think within a couple of years this will go away. I used to shame myself a lot for not being over it, but guess it's just taking as long as it's taking.

[clvrnn]

Well, it is now almost a year since my ex had her anger outburst in front of her family, and ended things with me very soon after...

I still see her in class and around campus. She hasn't spoken to me and I doubt she ever will - there is still 000.09 hope within me that she might, but I try to quash that when it arrives. I feel as if there isn't anything left to really talk to each other about, I can't imagine what we would talk about, to be honest. I am quite sad, coming to the end of the degree. Mostly, when I first saw her, I really thought she was amazing, beautiful. And we had that wild connection, that I mistook for some sort of true love - and I believed it would go somewhere.

It's sad to look back and realise that for so many different reasons it couldn't have worked out the way I wanted it to. Now we don't even talk! It's... yes, it's upsetting, but I think it's for the best. I think she probably did the right thing by blocking me - it wasn't healthy at all, and I dread to think how much more time I would have been locked into that situation if we kept in touch.

The last time I saw her I am sure she did look at me a few times; I kind of looked 'through' her and she was definitely looking in my direction. I do wonder what she thinks of me, but again I try to quash that when it comes. Thinking about it won't provide me an answer! I worry about how often I still think about her, and hope it eventually dies down.

Last week on Thursday, I became consumed with adrenaline and started walking towards her classroom, adamant that I was going to talk to her, tell her how I felt about her - I have no idea actually, what I was going to say. But halfway there, I stopped. I thought, what am I doing? And I went back to my own classroom. I'd been triggered by thinking about us when we were dating, and felt all sorts of emotions. So when I got back into the room, I wrote down how I was feeling, and why it wouldn't be great to approach her, what the bigger picture is, etc - basically using the 'WiseMind' technique. It felt good being able to control my emotions in that way, and calming myself down.

I feel quite nervous about leaving uni and never seeing her again. But perhaps that's really for the best, and I don't think we would have ever been long-term, anyway. I found out that she is in fact single, which surprised me - I'd been convinced she wasn't. But it did help me to feel less distressed, I'd been convinced she was living some 'better' life without me. Anyway. We couldn't have lasted; she is not in the right place to be with anyone, and maybe I'm not, either.

I'm not perfect though, and I'm sure there were things I did that contributed to the dynamic.. although my therapist doesn't think so, and thinks I blame myself a lot, which I do.

Wow, I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Clearly I still have quite a lot going on internally, regarding her. I wish we had worked out, I guess. But from all the reading I've done about BPD everywhere, it doesn't seem like it can, without huge amounts of therapy. I think within a couple of years this will go away. I used to shame myself a lot for not being over it, but guess it's just taking as long as it's taking.

[Cromwell]

Just keep your head up high clvrnn. This has been a nasty thing to go through but who can claim that you haven't dealt with this in anything but a mature way. Ignored the provocations. Contrast this to her behaviour. Also the amount of self control you have had to self soothe the heightened emotions.

 Put you in good stead for the future. I believe it will get alot easier when you move on from uni and don't see her. Out of sight out of mind.

I think it's not your fault to think about her. The memory has been shunted into long term and reciting it has given it strength. You can put this behind you when she becomes less significant influence in your life and other things and people replace her.

Life goes on, she will fade away into the sands of time.

I know alot of lists here are usually sombre tone. I have followed yours from the start and undrrpinning the lines comes across a lot of what I'd call restrained positivity. She just wasn't right for you clvrnn. Even you feel it hard to mske friends elsewhere, I believe it would be far less of a hurdle than to try and change this one.

All the best as always. We'll done. Crom

[clvrnn]

Hi Cromwell, thank you for that reply.

I suppose it was a good exercise in emotion control, yes.

She's recording in the studio with the producers who work with Alicia Keys, Ariana Grande... so it doesn't look like I'll never have to see her again once university is over. Looks like this is something that's going to follow me around for however long her career lasts.

Today I actually felt suicidal, but more so than in the past. I dislike saying 'suicidal' because I always feel as if it implies that I was frantic, making a rash decision. But the truth is that I would rather just not be here, anymore. There doesn't seem a way out of this pain. Every time I think I've got a handle on it, it comes back full force.

The truth is that I am still not really coping. She is now becoming quite successful with this career of hers, and I still am no closer to understanding why I have been cut out of her life.

Most of the time I feel truly disgusted with myself, and can't even bear to look in the mirror (rejection by others has affected me to that point). No one seems to really understand, and the therapist I thought was helping, isn't. That must be the 5th or 6th therapist I've tried - I don't know if I am the problem or what, but it doesn't seem to be working.

I do think that the prolonged period in which I had to be around her is taking it's toll on me, and other minor things are stressors; for example, in a couple of weeks she has to give a presentation. Aside from getting up and walking out of the room when she stands up, I will be trapped. I don't want to look at her talking in front of me. Just that alone brings up all sorts of things.

The sound and sight of her talking to people in class drives me mad; it sends my mind into an overthinking meltdown - "does she prefer their company over mine?", "so she'll talk to THEM but not ME?" etc etc. Of course that's all irrational, but it doesn't help me.

I do worry now that this prolonged proximity has propelled this thing into an un-heal-able experience. I feel as if I will never be able to be with anyone again.

I know she can't provide me with a reason why she did this, and the truth is that I no longer want to be with her - the romantic and emotional side of it all is minimal, I don't feel the same way about her as I used to. The psychological part seems to be what is left over - I am completely crushed, I hate myself, no self-worth, no joy left inside me, no energy or will to do anything, no hope for the future, etc.

I just feel so crushed and hurt all the time, so sad and confused and as if I must be truly unworthy for someone to be choosing a whole bunch of strangers over me. And now that she has this music career, meeting all these cool people, why would she want to engage with me? This is the lifestyle she has wanted for years. I'm just someone from uni that she doesn't like.

She still has me blocked, and I doubt will even unblock. I can't (and won't) approach her at uni, and I don't want to contact her via email to be ignored again - although sometimes I do kind of want to. Mostly I just can't believe this has happened. And I feel terrible pretty much every day.

I go to the gym, I try to focus on uni work, it's all pointless and doesn't help me feel better at all.

Running out of ideas of how to get through this, really.

[Cromwell]

Hi Clvrnn

The idea of going to this talk is already filling you with a mix of all the sorts of emotions youd rather not be facing. Interesting use of the word "trapped" - do you really have to go to it?

I pick up some of the ongoing stuff that we highlighted before, anger - anxiety, now there looks like some sense of unfairness, injustice perhaps? It comes across, it also seems like you said, triggered by the latest happenings.

Try to stay centred, if the gym isnt working right now, think about taking a rest from it. Same for the uni work. What if next week she wins the lottery? or equally loses her cool job. If emotionally detached, you would not care less either way. For me at least This is the goal - it is what this part of the board is all about, there is work to do on top of appreciating what already has been achived. I found this tricky to appraise it is an ongoing process, much of it has been subtle. You said yourself you feel different - sure it is not over, it is also hard to believe it has happened - I felt the same way, I thought I just had to go no-contact and give 'it' a week or two to find closure and move on, ditch and switch so to speak. It just did not work out that way, this what I have been through was far more complex than the relationship itself despite the relationship being the focal point. Today it is just barely perceptible in the periphery. (the relationship and its energy it wielded)

 I just want to let you know that not only things can change, they can do so substantially. Keep going Clvrnn and give yourself some credit here for at so many points the things you have done well and should feel proud of, indicative of a "cool under pressure" mature mind who does have power over stressful situations.

Years ago I read about going to job interviews, if there is a feeling of being under stress, imagine the interviewer in their naked form rather than business official attire. I havent tried this but I applied it recently to people who otherwise induce anger in me, it works amazingly well.

It worked better than historically going into a room and having to process what was coming my way as unwanted visual and auditory stimuli as having to process as "oh no a%%hole alert" and become either hostile or evasive in response.

I have never felt so memorably angry as what Id been through with her, at the same time, so paradoxically in 'love', and this assortment of bizarre confusions. This drove me to this support group and there is strength and courage in doing just that - the same as you have done, and to reach out and trial and error via therapy. It is not easy and it is not a one-day quick-fix.

This is your last year, there is not long to go to graduate. Take each day of it and stay centred - your principal goal is to graduate, is this still valid? Has something significant happened to turn it pointless or is this just feels like a really bad day in the big picture of things.

I used to post here far more than I use to Clvrnn, Im at a different point than I used to be. Good day or bad day or somewhere inbetween, im here (we all are here) for you just a post away.  

[clvrnn]

The idea of going to this talk is already filling you with a mix of all the sorts of emotions you'd rather not be facing. Interesting use of the word "trapped" - do you really have to go to it?

Yes, I have to go too because I also am giving a presentation and it's a graded task so if I don't, I'll lose out on a grade. I could exit the room when she gives hers, but I don't know how the lecturer would feel about that - I could just set some fake alarm on my phone and pretend it's a call, and leave the room, I guess... in fact, yeah, I might just do that! It seems petty, but really, having to concentrate my attention on her for ten minutes doesn't seem beneficial for my current mental/emotional state.

It just did not work out that way, this what I have been through was far more complex than the relationship itself despite the relationship being the focal point

This is a really interesting point, and you've put it very well here. The relationship is barely rememberable, the aftermath and working through things is much more complex. All sorts of feelings and thoughts arise as a result of being involved with a person like that, that take so long to process.

I just want to let you know that not only things can change, they can do so substantially. Keep going Clvrnn and give yourself some credit here for at so many points the things you have done well and should feel proud of, indicative of a "cool under pressure" mature mind who does have power over stressful situations.

Thank you Cromwell. I haven't felt like it at all, I've felt like I've lost my mind several times...! I must also say to you thank you. Your replies have been one of the things that have helped me during this process; I really appreciate the effort and detail you go into to reply, and you really seem to 'get it'.

Yes, I am still trying to graduate. One thing now I'm worried about is that there are only four weeks left - which is a good thing, I know, but it got me to thinking, on the last day or whatever, is everyone going to be saying goodbye to each other? It feels awful that she probably isn't going to say a word to me, and I do have the choice of going up to her, but I have no control over her reaction/response. It makes me feel very sad and anxious, just leaving that building for the last time, without her even saying "sorry things didn't work out, good luck" or even "bye", which is what I feel most people would do.

Of course my sentimental side is taking over and I do want to go up to her or contact her and say a goodbye, but I know she isn't sentimental like that. It hurts that she'd rather say goodbye or whatever to all those people in the class that she didn't even really talk to before this term, and that me, the person who was closest to her, gets ignored.

I also don't really know anyone well enough to be joining them for post-degree drinks or coffees, if I did join them it would be very empty and pointless for me as I don't know them. I don't know if I should try and approach her, I feel like that's really going backwards but wow, I didn't expect to feel sad like this.

This entire experience just seems to come with emotional hurdles, this is the last one, and I've handled worse, but this is the last time we will probably see each other, and well, perhaps it just doesn't mean anything to her. I'm still blocked, still being avoided, and I just feel like OK, what happened wasn't that bad... I don't know, man.

[Cromwell]

You too clvrnn. I wonder often what I would have done without the solidarity I found here. I notice in the midst of very troubled days you've been there for myself and others. It makes me happy to hear that Ive helped in my own way, there are times more so today that I hesitate in trying to for fear that I might suggest, say or otherwise impede and hinder someone's path to recovery.

What I'm more aware of at this stage is how delicate these situations are and holding back on giving pragmatic advice however sensible it might appear. I do believe a lot of what you have experienced is something you have a lot of competence to work through you have already shown strength and had to deal with scenarios when they have arisen as best you could.

I find each day alot of strength by being aware of the here and now {what else is there)?

If I wake and wonder why at that moment it feels I have one remaining molecule of serotonin to carry through, the day gets split down and modified. Needs dealt with there and then and not letting it overwhelm or worry.

There can be a strong undercurrent, barely if at all perceptible. The net sum of negative thoughts that can serriptiously wear us down. Then all it takes is a trigger and emotionally challenging event to tip the balance into severe depressions and states of anxiety.

When you mentioned before feeling ill about it all and wonder if something wrong with you, its a sign of being self aware that something isn't right about the state of play, regardless of being able to fully comprehend and rationalise it.

As far as that goes (rationalising) and applying theory, consider how much yield there is in doing so. Can I put the question forward that you can go on to a healthier happier life without having to connect each and every dot as a prerequisite? Is it necessary.

If I can briefly mention the fear of the future. Why if there is forecasting going on is there an absence of the alternative type. I mean, you come across so many positive qualities,  I wonder why there is a lack of looking forward to graduation day and other joyful things that have the possibility of experiencing and enjoying.

Stay centered, balanced, head up and try not to let others have this level of emotional control. It is no skin off my nose to admit I was relatively vulnerable back then, relatively in experienced with mental illness generally. Relatively low self esteem and relatively depressed.

Relative to how I've got to at this moment writing to you clvrnn. To do so is also an honour. I believe in this troubled times you will figure out what you have to do. If it gets too much there is people out there who can help you along. I found happiness in unexpected ways, part of it is an exercise in building up self esteem and self confidence. It can take time it is a bit of work, try to modulate in the meantime any uprisings of unhelpful extreme thoughts, accept their existence but practice control. They are just thoughts after all. My advice here is take ownership and control over them each and every time.

Here for you throughout clvrnn. Thanks and don't let these worries grind you down.