Mother now has severe copd and needs help from me

[Daughter of Bpd]

Mother and I have had strained relationship for years. I am an only child and usually when she has her irrational rages, I can just exit and put up boundaries and stay away from her. She has now been in hospital for 16days and I'm her only support so I have done my daughter duty and been there every day. She is now losing her independence and needs more assistance but doesn't understand how much help she really needs and does have the personality disorder so think she can do everything on her own and is always right etc.When I re direct her For example when her oxygen is low etc. she just has one of her rages and kicks me out of her hospital Room. She will soon be released from the hospital and then it will be on me to guide her so I'm not really sure how to deal with all of this on top of her personality disorder it will be very hard to get her to follow any sort of instruction. I do have resentment because these issues she has physically are a result of her poor life choices and she is such a dependent ooh personality that any time I am firm with her she thinks I am a horrible daughter that really has never loved her and uses manipulative tactics like guilt that "shes sorry shes such a burden" etc. This is my 1st post

[Panda39]

What is the current plan for your mom?  Is she going directly home from the hospital? 

Panda39

[Spindle0516]

I do have resentment because these issues she has physically are a result of her poor life choices and she is such a dependent ooh personality that any time I am firm with her she thinks I am a horrible daughter that really has never loved her and uses manipulative tactics like guilt that "shes sorry shes such a burden"

  I just wanted to say hi and that you are not alone. My husband and I are caretakers for my MIL who also has a significant medical history. She has also become very dependent on us and always says things like "sorry I am such a burden." I know it is really hard- I have found such solace here knowing that there are others like me and I hope it does the same for you 

[Methuen]

Hi there Daughter of BPD,

I am also an only child of a BPD mom.  My mom is 83, waif/queen, and extremely frail.  She still lives independently, but recently refused an offer to go on an assisted living waiting list which she qualified for (after an assessment).  It's been a difficult struggle for me and her too, so I can empathize.  I am making progress on dealing with "me" though.

She is now losing her independence

Can you tell us more about the situation?  How is she losing her independence?

doesn't understand how much help she really needs and does have the personality disorder so think she can do everything on her own and is always right etc

This sounds familiar to me.

For example when her oxygen is low etc. she just has one of her rages and kicks me out of her hospital Room.

Is it possible you've been trying super hard to be the "good" daughter and "be there" for your mom?  ...but your mom isn't appreciating or even "seeing" your effort?  Instead, she's taking her very intense angry emotional frustrations out on you (i.e. the very person trying to help her)?  If so, I get it.  Been there.  My experience is that the more I do, and the harder I try, and the more time I spend with her, the worse my mom's behavior gets, and the more she mistreats me.  

If you can relate to this, you are probably doing too much, maybe even "owning" the problem (instead of letting her work through it).  

If your mom rages at you, you could express that you cannot help her when she speaks hurtful words, and it is best if you leave until you have both had time to calm down.  Then give her time to self-soothe.  When you start to feel guilty (from FOG), go do something healthy for yourself, and remind yourself that it's best to let her self-soothe.  Our mothers have "trained us" from infancy to feel guilty.  I am working hard at slowly letting go of that.  It's a process.

What I have learned is that it's best to let mom make her own decisions, even if they hurt her.  They are her decisions, so she can learn from consequences.  If I try to "rescue" her, it doesn't go well (may even end in a rage).  Rescuing doesn't work with BPD's.

If your mom is declining in health, she may be fearful.  She may also feel like she is losing control.  Those are going to be intense emotional feelings that she needs to dump on someone.

As the only child of a BPD, you will likely be the target of those intense emotions.  She can't help it because that's just how the disease works.  But we don't have to take the abuse.  It's not our job or our duty.  But we can protect ourselves by using SET, validation, validating questions, and setting boundaries.  Super important not to JADE.  We can also reduce contact.

She will soon be released from the hospital and then it will be on me to guide her so I'm not really sure how to deal with all of this on top of her personality disorder it will be very hard to get her to follow any sort of instruction.

Why will it be on you?  Do you want to take that on?

Will your mother require "after care" after being released from hospital?  If yes, the hospital can't release her without a "plan" in place.  Will she require follow up nursing care?  Checks?  Community care supports?  Supports such as bathing, meals on wheels, wound checks etc etc are available depending on her needs.  You don't have to do all this care.  Simply tell the hospital you can't.  They can help you set up whatever supports are needed.  Is there a social worker at the hospital you can talk to?  They may be able to help.  Does your mom have friends who can check in on her?  Neighbours?

I do have resentment because these issues she has physically are a result of her poor life choices and she is such a dependent ooh personality that any time I am firm with her she thinks I am a horrible daughter that really has never loved her and uses manipulative tactics like guilt that "shes sorry shes such a burden" etc.

Yes yes.  I can relate to all this too.  Been there.  My mom's frailty are a result of her poor choices too.  

We still have a life to live.  So see what community care supports are available that your mom would qualify for, if any.  Friends may be willing to step in as well.
 Talk to her doctor, your doctor, social worker, and see what the after-care options are.  Then lay out the options for your mom, and let her make her own decisions.

As you know, it doesn't matter how much you do for her, it can end in conflict, so better to find her the supports she needs that don't involve you, so that you can get some control back in your own life, and choose what you can/can't do for her.

My mom is recovered from her last fall (four fractures), but  it's only a matter of time until the next one.  She has a history of falls.  In the last few years, her BPD behavior towards me has escalated.  Currently, I have let her find her own ways to get the "support" she needs.  She has friends running to the store for her.  She has a housekeeper.  She has a gardener.  I had home care services set up for her when she was too injured to bathe herself, but she has cancelled them all now, so I just let her live her life and make her own decisions.  I see her once or twice a week, and talk to her every few days over the phone, but I'm not spending 3-4 hours a day there anymore.  She is happier, and so am I.  

My mom also asked her family Dr for the same anti-depressant that her friend was on, a few months ago.  That has been an absolute godsend for me.  If I had suggested an antidepressant, she would have accused me of ...well you know...how that would go.  It was mom's idea though, so that made it a good idea. The key is to ask validating questions, so they think of the solutions themselves.  

I'm feeling for you.  It's rough isn't it?

You are important too.  Your well-being matters too.  

[Daughter of Bpd]

now losing her independence

Can you tell us more about the situation?  How is she losing her independence?

Shes losing her independence due to increased oxygen needs and confusion

[Methuen]

Have you tried talking to hospital staff about her care plan after duscharge?  What did they say?

[Daughter of Bpd]

I have tried talking to the hospital but shes still at the point that she wants to do what she wants, crying and thinking shes a burden and is putting up a fight to truly get the extra care she needs. On one hand I care and want to help,  on the other hand, she gets so mad at times, it's hard to help and we just end up fighting.  I'm at the end of my rope.

[Daughter of Bpd]

Thanks meuthen! This is great advice.  Her fits and childlike behavior are a little out of control.  Low oxygen is her issue which causes even more irritability and it is at a point where theres safety issues at stake. It's super hard to allow her to live doing it "her way" she cognitively now becomes confused and then honestly doesn't even recognize what her needs are. This is frustrating because she really has noone else and the guilt that shes trained me to have is overwhelming.

[zachira]

You may want to talk to the social workers/doctors at the hospital and get an assessment of what outside help your mother will need. They may say she cannot go home unless there is a plan for outside help in place and/or she has to go to a facility that can give her extended care. You have had good boundaries with your mother for many years. Now your boundaries are being challenged by how your mother's personality disorder is affecting her ability to deal with her health crisis. You may want to decide not do any of her personal care/possibly just visit and let the hospital staff know so they make an adequate discharge plan for her. My mother had BPD, and no way was I going to care for her in her old age and let her continually mistreat me. My heart goes out to you being an only child having to deal with a mother with BPD that is ill.

[Daughter of Bpd]

She doesn't qualify for much. It's crazy how much insurance dictates.  What someone qualifies for when shes made poor life and financial choices,  and what she really needs are 2 different things. 

[Methuen]

Can you give yourself a break and take few days off from visiting her at the hospital?  
1) You need to look after your own wellness, and no one is going to do that for you.  You could tell your mom that you aren't well either and need some time to look after yourself.  She won’t like it, but she’ll get over it, and you will hopefully both be better off for it.   That’s how it worked out so far, for me and my mom.
2) It will mean your mom will have to direct her frustration at the hospital staff.  It sounds like they need to experience that first hand.  Best medical practice is also to consider the well being of the caregiver, so they should be doing that.  
3)  Harri posted a link last night for someone on another thread. Its a link I keep referring back to for myself as well, because last fall I was dealing with similar behaviors to what you are describing now.  It could be helpful for you in your situation too.  

What do you think of taking a few days off from visiting your mom, to look after you?

[Methuen]

Here's the link: Do's and Don'ts of BPD Relationship

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

I found the comments under the information piece very helpful

[Daughter of Bpd]

Yes. I'm taking a break.  She actually puts the manipulative peices on there and tells me to stay home and care for myself and my family at times as she can quickly turn it on and off. Will be raging at me and then super nice to a nurse that walks in.  Of course , I do feel guilty when shes there all alone. 

[Daughter of Bpd]

How do I get to other message boards just to look through similar situations.  I'm so new to this group that it's hard to navigate. 

[Harri]

If you look at the top of the page, just under where your unser name shows on the left side of the page there is a green bar.  Click on "groups' and it will bring you to the main board where all of the various relationship boards are listed.  The PSI board (the one you are on now for Parent, Sibling and In-Laws) seems like a good fit but the other boards, especially the bettering boards may have conversations you want to read through to get a better idea of tool use and improving communication.

Links:

Main Page: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php
Bettering Board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

Also see How Do I Navigate This Site?

[Daughter of Bpd]

Thanks so much! Fingers crossed that this hospital rehab facility accepts the insurance and I can keep my boundaries up!

[Daughter of Bpd]

methuen
You have so many great responses! How do you  Get past the resentment of them acting like nothing ever happened? Or also them continuing to bring up what they don't understand about facts that you try to bring up that bother you? This is where I get stuck!

[Methuen]

  Hello daughter of bpd, and friend,

This is where I get stuck!

So I was "stuck" like you last July and August.  Sitting here and remembering and thinking about how I felt back then is super unpleasant, so I can sympthathize with where you are at now.  I think we all have to get "stuck" before we can "unstuck" ourselves.  Maybe its our way of hitting our "bottom" before we decide to dig ourselves out of the hole we finally accept we are in.

How do you  Get past the resentment of them acting like nothing ever happened? Or also them continuing to bring up what they don't understand about facts that you try to bring up that bother you?

I think we all have to find our own path daughterofbpd.  Last July/August I was mad as hell at ubpd mom.  I felt hopeless and helpless, and completely trapped.  The only exit from this trap I could see was to move far away.  I was crying all the time.  I went to see my family Dr, and told him my story.  I was lucky because he listened quietly, and then came right out and told me I had to look after myself, and I had to stop taking the abuse.  He shared an abbreviated personal experience in his family with his MIL, so I knew he understood.  He told me my mom had no "right" to treat me like that, despite her traumatic upbringing.  He supported me to get the ball rolling to bring in home care services for her, so I wouldn't feel "obligated" to bear that burden of caring for her medical and personal needs.  Hearing a professional Dr tell me to look after myself was a huge weight off my back.  I also KNEW that my mother was NEVER going to change.  I KNEW that she was only going to get worse.  I KNEW her behavior was out of my control.  I just KNEW.  So one day, I simply accepted that, and stopped wanting or expecting her to change.  Lots of tears.  I gave up on the dream "mother", and just let it go downwind, never to be desired again.  I just stopped having any expectations of her.  I also knew that if anything was going to make my existance with her better, it was going to have to come from me (how I reacted to her behavior).  Otherwise I was going to continue to be miserable.  Life is too short for that, so I opted to change "me".  That was actually the hardest part, was just accepting all that.  It was kind of a cold turkey "instant" paradigm shift for me.  The next step was to figure out how to change my thinking, so I could start to feel some joy from life again.  That's when I started doing a lot of reading on BPD, I got a new T (who is awesome), and I found this board forum.  Finding a support community here who "gets it" was fundamental in being able to accept and work through the feelings of hurt and resentment for me.  So many people on this board helped...and showed a lot of patience.  All these things really came together to help me start my "healing" process.  I'm still healing, but I feel a lot of gratitude for how I am feeling now, vs how I was feeling last July/August.  There's a HUGE difference.  I think I'll always feel a certain sadness about my mom, but I try to refocus those feelings on the positive things in my life.

You will get there too daughter of bpd.  I just shared my story to give you hope that it's really possible to get to a better place mentally and emotionally.    I think we all do it a bit differently, and along different timelines.  But I do believe the change has to come from us, because we all know our BPD isn't going to change .  When we accept that fully, and stop wanting our mom to be someone she can't be, it gets better.  Well...there's a bit of a grieving process to let go the dream of a "normal" relationship with mother.  For me, it was as if a little piece of me got excised (think surgery) and a fair bit of crying happened, but now I'm feeling peaceful about it all.  Life is much better.  The best part...I'm currently coping with my mom!  She's doing better, which buys me time to build and improve my skills for the next "crisis" with her.  Between the resources and people on this board, my T, and all my reading, I'm learning a lot of new skills that really DO make a difference, and DO work, because I can have a phone conversation with her now without triggering her, or being triggered.  I limit my contact.  So be hopeful, as the hell you are in now doesn't have to be permanent.  There's so much negative energy in feeling like that.  I just think it's more productive to put that negative energy into learning new ways of communicating with our BPD.  For me, changing the way I "thought about it" and learning some new skills turned on the light switch so I could get out of the darkness.  It's way nicer where I am now than where I was last July.  Kind of like the difference between feeling like I'm drowning, and feeling like I'm on a nice hike or a beach somewhere.

Sorry it's such a long answer.  But that's honestly how I got past the resentments you asked about.

The fact that you're asking shows you're getting ready.  You'll get there too! Give yourself time and be patient with your self.  Recognize that your inner critic is probably your mom, and let go of that inner critic.  Baby steps.

[Methuen]

If you look at the top of the page, just under where your unser name shows on the left side of the page there is a green bar.  Click on "groups' and it will bring you to the main board where all of the various relationship boards are listed.  The PSI board (the one you are on now for Parent, Sibling and In-Laws) seems like a good fit

In addition to Harri's suggestions and links, another one I found helpful as a newbie was the "help" tab to the left of the "groups" tab.  All kinds of helpful stuff in there, including decoding of all the acronyms (pwBPD, SO etc).

[Daughter of Bpd]

Thank you so much. She just got transferred to a short term skilled facility and of course thinks it's my fault. I tried to put the boundaries up and I got sucked in again and her rage and lying made me leave. I have found your comments so helpful and am going to start using this site for more help. This has meant a lot for me today.  Thanks so much

[Daughter of Bpd]

So, definitely stuck again! We are home now and had the whole honeymoon phase where she was pretty appreciative and nice. She has quit smoking now and it's been a nightmare! I have went over there every day but yesterday,  she was going on and on about how the no smoking is a struggle and I told her she needed to do it for her and she went in to one of her ranges and kicked me out so, with the boundaries I have formed,  I immediately left but of course now feel guilty as I am literally the only person she has left as shes alienated everyone else.  I don't even really have a question,  it's just that you guys are honestly the only ones who understand what I am dealing with. 

[Methuen]

Hang in there BPDdaughter

I empathize with your struggle because my mom's BPD has reared it's reactive head again too.

she was going on and on about how the no smoking is a struggle and I told her she needed to do it for her and she went in to one of her ranges and kicked me out

So one thing I have learned, and therefore stopped doing is "making suggestions" or "telling" mom what to do.

This will fail.  Every single time. 

Instead of telling her she needed to stop smoking because of the COPD (a rational statement with solid science behind it), perhaps consider asking her a validating question instead, when she is going on and on about how the smoking is a struggle. 

LINKS for validating questions, and, how "not" to be invalidating:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=printpage;topic=81442.0

Has she had any assessments?  Would she qualify for assisted living?

It sounds like a long term housing arrangement is needed for her, as her health declines. 

I could never live with my mom.  She began a campaign to do just that after my dad died 15 years ago.  H and I have gently held our boundary on that, which I'm thankful for now.  My life would be 24/7 chaos if she lived with us.  I imagine that is exactly what you are going through now.

Have you spoken to doctors, or social workers at the hospital, or your family doctor about the situation, and what other living options might be available for her?  She won't like it, but you have a right to live your own life separate from her. 

[Daughter of Bpd]

She's at home on continuous oxygen and can't drive anywhere.  Like you educated me on before,  she just needs someone to dump her frustration out on. She was forced to quit smoking because of her oxygen needs and was pretty scared that it almost killed her,  but now that she's home, she's yearning for attention I think and she has made so many comments about how the no smoking is such a struggle for her and frankly,  I'm sick of hearing it. I've also quit smoking before and she made the comments "noone would even know" if she smoked anyway because she's alone. I told her she should be doing it for herself and her health and not for me and she freaked out, said I was rude and needed to have some compassion and that if she said it was dark outside,  I would say it was light and that I needed to leave if I thought she was such a burden,  so I got up with my husband and left. Ever since,  she has given me the silent treatment and just told me to leave her alone and she will be fine. My feelings of guilt and obligation are through the roof! She has been so dependent and doesn't do anything that shes instructed by her home care team and really doesn't seem like she wants to get any better by helping herself.  She's just sitting there on her oxygen watching TV and doing nothing productive.  I want her to do the things she needs to do so she can get her independence back and I won't feel as guilty when she doesn't need to be dependent on me for everything.  I'm really in a rut.

[Daughter of Bpd]

And to add to my last comment,  she has lived with me before and I could never let that happen again.  It was a nightmare.  She is horrible with her finances so doesn't have the income to afford assisted living.  She isn't even motivated to fill out her paperwork to apply for disability and her short term disability from work runs out in may! I really feel like her well being is on its last leg,  medically and financially

[Methuen]

Hmm.  It sounds awefully convenient for her. 

Maybe she keeps on with this behavior, because there is no consequence for it?  She probably thrives on chaos, so the fighting doesn't bother her (maybe she even needs or creates chaos), whereas it bothers you.

Do you own your own home?  Does anyone else live with you?  Do you rent? Or have a lease?  Does she contribute anything financial for living with you, or do you pay all the utilities, food etc?

Do you see a counsellor or therapist, or have a local professional you can discuss  this with, such as how to move forward, and onwards with your own life?  Have you given this any thought (having a life independent from her)?  Is that something you want?

[Daughter of Bpd]

I own my home yes, but could never have her live with me again. She does not live with me. I think she does thrive on drama and creates chaos. She literally has noone else and therefore,  I feel like I am somehow responsible for her well being.  I've felt pretty decent about the boundaries I've set until she got sick and her health needs have changed.  I'm now using all of my days off of work taking her to doctors appointments. She won't follow the advice to exercise her lungs etc. And is now at the point where shes really giving me the "I'm sorry I'm such a burden and sorry I was such a horrible mother statements.  I felt like with The boundary I was putting up when she said that She "really could smoke and nobody would even know" ...I told her that it really is her prerogative and  She should be not smoking because of her own health and not do it for us. That's when she went into the rage and told me I was the most ungrateful,  uncaring daughter and we went ahead and left. Now she won't really answer my texts and is giving me the silent treatment.  She knows my buttons and what makes me feel guilty,  I'm just having trouble getting past it and I know she wants some sort of an apology and I'm just not willing to do that and feed her distorted emotional needs. Shes recently been called out on some of her recent lies as well by me and that's weighing heavily on me too. I'm so resentful and still angry and the recent need for her needing care is a burden and she absolutely is making me not be able to keep the boundaries that I once had with her. It's like starting back at square 1.

[Methuen]

I own my home yes, but could never have her live with me again

Good you recognize this for yourself.  For some people with BPD parents, it works.  But, like you, it wouldn't work for me either.  

I feel like I am somehow responsible for her well being.

You are not.  She is an adult, and responsible for herself, until she becomes mentally incompetent, if and when that happens.  She has brainwashed you into believing you are responsible.

She won't follow the advice to exercise her lungs etc.

Like you said, that is her choice.  Choices lead to consequences, and the consequences of her choices are also hers to bear, right?

That's when she went into the rage and told me I was the most ungrateful,  uncaring daughter and we went ahead and left.

That sounds like Projection:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Now she won't really answer my texts and is giving me the silent treatment.

Perfect.  Enjoy this time.  Stop trying to reach her.  She's playing you.  Don't give her that power.  Just enjoy the low/no contact while it's lasts.

I know she wants some sort of an apology and I'm just not willing to do that and feed her distorted emotional needs.

Good for you!  Hold this boundary.

 

Shes recently been called out on some of her recent lies as well by me and that's weighing heavily on me too.

I don't go down this road with my mom anymore.  It's pointless, and as you know, only leads to more chaos.  BPD moms can NOT acknowledge their own flaws.  It's part of the PD.  Best to stop wanting for that to happen, because then you will just remain frustrated, and play into the drama.  Better to just accept her for the way she is, and look for ways to move forward with your own life.  That is more of a challenge while she is still recovering, but she's either going to recover, or return back to a hospital.  Are there publicly funded long-term care facilities where you live?  Is she approaching the stage where she will need that soon?

I'm so resentful and still angry and the recent need for her needing care is a burden and she absolutely is making me not be able to keep the boundaries that I once had with her.

I went through this with my mom a few months ago.  I had to go NC because uBPD mom was making me sick.  I arranged home care supports for her because of her treatment of me.  Arranging for other people to care for her helped both me and her.  My mom suddenly started to get better.  Then I focussed on my own well-being.  It sounds like it is time for you to focus on your well being.  The current arrangement doesn't seem to be working for either of you.

You are not responsible for your mom, or her decisions, or the consequences of her decisions.  She is an autonomous adult.  Yes it is hard to observe our parents in this decline.  But it does not give them license to manipulate and abuse us.  

Like I say, if she is giving you the silent treatment, enjoy it.  Let her come back to you.  She will.  Meanwhile, look after you, and move on with your life.  Those guilty feelings you mention are temporary.  Once you start to feel healthy again, you realize just how misplaced all those guilty feelings were because of brainwashing and enmeshment.  Feeling healthy again will take time, and work.  Be patient.  It's not easy.  But neither is the alternative.

[Daughter of Bpd]

Thank you for your response.  I do feel sorry for her as I truly (besides my tribe of friends that visit her from time to time to support me) am the only one she has to provide groceries and human contact for her as she has alienated all of the others in her life. This is so hard. And when she does contact me, it will be to somehow guilt me into getting her something else she needs. I'm truly back and forth from being strong with boundaries to having to be the head of the household of a borderline mother. 

[Person2]

Hi Daughter of bpd!

As the daughter of an aging BPD mother, I just wanted to express my empathy for what you’re going through. It creates a constant level of anxiety that we must learn to manage to protect our mental/physical health. Fortunately you’re receiving fantastic, well-earned advice from the folks here 

From Methuen:

It sounds like it is time for you to focus on your well being.  The current arrangement doesn't seem to be working for either of you. 

You are not responsible for your mom, or her decisions, or the consequences of her decisions.  She is an autonomous adult.  Yes it is hard to observe our parents in this decline.  But it does not give them license to manipulate and abuse us.

I feel like making this into a plaque and hanging it on my wall so I look at it everyday! Words to live by!

[Daughter of Bpd]

Thankful for all of your support!