My first therapy session...deflated. How to find a good one?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This morning I went to see a psychologist after my sister and partner urged me to.

I’d like to start by saying I have heard many many people say how therapy has helped them tremendously so PLEASE don’t let my post put anyone off - I believe it’s about finding the right therapist.

Backstory - my mum has uBPD and I’m struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with her / considering NC again / struggling with guilt.

I understand therapy isn’t designed to be a one session thing however at $250 a go, and me with other financial responsibilities right now I explained I could do one session and was looking for some clarity around the situation.

The therapist has made me feel worse. She was empathising with my mother more than me and I asked her when I should put my own health before hers and her answer was ‘that’s an interesting question’...she sat in silence until I spoke when I didn’t know what to say. She made me feel my actions were cause for my mothers reactions. She had an understanding of BPD and my guess is she has treated someone with BPD rather than support those who are affected by someone with it.

How do you find the right therapist? What questions do you ask? I’ve googled in my area and it doesn’t seem clear.

[SunnyVale]

This morning I went to see a psychologist after my sister and partner urged me to.

I’d like to start by saying I have heard many many people say how therapy has helped them tremendously so PLEASE don’t let my post put anyone off - I believe it’s about finding the right therapist.

Backstory - my mum has uBPD and I’m struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with her / considering NC again / struggling with guilt.

I understand therapy isn’t designed to be a one session thing however at $250 a go, and me with other financial responsibilities right now I explained I could do one session and was looking for some clarity around the situation.

The therapist has made me feel worse. She was empathising with my mother more than me and I asked her when I should put my own health before hers and her answer was ‘that’s an interesting question’...she sat in silence until I spoke when I didn’t know what to say. She made me feel my actions were cause for my mothers reactions. She had an understanding of BPD and my guess is she has treated someone with BPD rather than support those who are affected by someone with it.

How do you find the right therapist? What questions do you ask? I’ve googled in my area and it doesn’t seem clear.

[safeplace]

I've been in the process of finding a therapist recently. Things that I have done that are helpful is...
-do a phone consultation first, most will talk for free for 5-30 minutes
-I've asked if they have had therapy themselves
-I've asked if they have dealt with their family of origin issues
-I've asked if they have sliding scale rates based on finances

I think you should totally listen to your gut. In Borderline families sometimes we end up feeling like the crazy one and it sounds like this therapist might have done things that made you experience that again. Sometimes you have to try a few before you find the right one. I hope you do!

[Mutt]

Hi Sunnyvale,

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience - sometimes we don't sync with the T, our personalities don't mesh with everybody.

In Borderline families sometimes we end up feeling like the crazy one and it sounds like this therapist might have done things that made you experience that again.

I don't think that she was being objectionable and if you think about it she was saving your uBPDm and casting you as a the persecutor which in my opinion she should have been neutral and not picked any side or she should have validate you more and listen to your side because if you are talking to her like you are to us right now you sound balanced.

I don't know if I would mention BPD because it's difficult to find T's that specialize in it I would say that she displays traits of BPD, the T doesn't want to diagnose someone that is not in the same room and are they qualified to diagnose, are we qualified to diagnose? I'm not trying to say that your mom does not display traits but I would just say traits. I have to agree with safeplace and find someone that deals with FOO issues, you'll probably have better luck with that then finding a T that is trained and practices in  very specific area of psychology, it's not say that there are no specialists but maybe by tweaking a few things then that will broaden your options.

Above all, I think that your T should sync with you, if they don't then keep looking, you'll find someone. Good luck!

[Harri]

Hi.

I agree with the others that it can take time to find the right T.

When it comes to finding a T for myself, i do not ask if they are familiar with BPD or treat it.  i want to know if they can help me understand and heal/change me.  I have had several Ts and all of them were somewhat familiar with BPD.  I think most are and yes, it is important they know the basics.  Beyond that?  For me it made no difference and actually my last T worked in a hospital outpatient clinic with a well known Psychologist (psychologist?) in the world of BPD.  Out of all my T's, she was the least helpful when it came to talking about some of my issues with my mom (uBPD), not because she was biased in favor of the pwBPD, but the opposite.

So yes, keep looking.  A session where you find out up front that the T has their own biases like the one you had is not a waste.  Expensive?  yes for sure, but not a waste.  It is good you saw that in the first session and not months down the road.     Keep plugging away.

[TelHill]

Hi SunnyVale,

Therapists do not do brief telephone interviews like they did a few years ago in my area. I received one or two callbacks. I emailed therapists. Not one responded. So much for that idea!

I’d like to add it was difficult for me to tell anyone my family secrets at first.  I have been in therapy for 25 yrs off and on. Explaining the problems my dBPDm has and causes got easier with time.  Some therapists have been better than others. Some were downright bad - they needed more help than me.

I would suggest to keep forging ahead. I would also suggest attending a 12-step group like Al Anon or Codependents’ Anonymous as you therapist shop. You don’t have to do the program. It helps me to be around others who haven’t had great childhoods and are trying to heal from it. I feel connected rather than isolated with my thoughts.

Good luck and hope you find a few good therapists to choose from!   

[gotbushels]

SunnyVale   

I just searched for a new T and engaged that one. I've had therapy with a handful of other T's; and I have a go-to P. I wanted to get some DBT training, self-care, and find a more affordable practitioner—those were main reasons why I went beyond just having the one P.

I got heaps of good advice here. Long story short is that I came very close to going back to "shopping" for a new T. I felt reluctant about continuing. But I used what I learned in that discussion, tried to observe the results of 'experimenting' with her, and I'm quite happy with my T today. I've had about 6(?) sessions with her so far.

I believe it’s about finding the right therapist.

I support this and I do think so too.

I understand therapy isn’t designed to be a one session thing however at $250 a go [...]

The therapist has made me feel worse.

I totally get you.

I've seen a horrible T that made me feel ashamed of myself and gave me horrible advice, and that experience was one of the reasons that I wanted to research beforehand. I dreaded the thought of paying a terrible T for an hour's rate while I ended up worse-off than when I went into the room. I understand today that sometimes therapeutic "intervention"(?) can feel quite psychologically painful—but I think it's important to distinguish that kind of discomfort vs the feeling of not trusting the T.

She was empathising with my mother more than me [...]

This would really get my goat. I appreciate what this probably felt like for you. I'd actually feel pretty angry because part of what I'd want in a session is to untangle the relationship and for the T to be as subjective as possible. If the T did the "taking the mother's side" thing with me, I'd think about walking out. Harri put it pretty well.

I have had a couple of T's pull the "But she is your mother" stuff and talk about their relationship with their mom.   None of that changed the reality of my situation or helped me heal or work things through.  A T can't help you if they can't see beyond the veil of their own biases.

I started out looking for DBT-qualified people in my area, and those that have some kind of focus on it. So perhaps you can look for therapists that have the type of therapy you want—then go from there. For example, my P is quite famous for OCD treatment, so if I searched for OCD, then I'd probably book an hour with him. So you could look for someone that specialises in an area you want to work on.

Good luck and I encourage you to enjoy your search.   

[safeplace]

I agree with TelHill about doing Codependents Anonymous or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families.) After ten years of therapy, the irony that something free helped me more than CBT was amazing. Both programs have changed my life and you can do phone meetings if there aren't any in your area.

[Person2]

$250 to be made to feel that you are the problem in your BPD relationship is a high crime and misdemeanor! I’ve considered seeing a therapist, but the cost vs. questionable outcome is definitely daunting. I feel the guilt that those of us in relationships with BPD’s, especially children of mothers with BPD, is one of the most toxic byproducts. To have a professional, who has no background with you, contribute to this guilt is SO unacceptable. I hope you are able to find someone appropriate for your healing.