Navigating hard times in marriage

[LunaJoy]

Hi, I’ve generally coped as an adult with uBPD mother by limiting contact and not revealing much about myself, and I’m glad I had those strategies.  But I’m struggling with fallout from a difficult time 2 years ago when my husband's very absent father died.  Now I feel like I’m hiding my feelings from him, like I do with my mother.  I wonder how people with normal parents cope with hard times in marriage.  Any advice or insight would be much appreciated, thank you.

[Turkish]

What feelings do you feel that you are hiding that are causing you grief?

[LunaJoy]

I hide anger, sadness, and fear that he doesn’t love me.  The anger tends to centre around his veganism, which he began two years ago during the really awful time.  I think it is pointless discussing veganism with him, and it is his right to choose what he eats, as it is mine.   I feel lonely and disconnected from him.  They say that if you damp down the bad feelings you damp down the good ones too, and maybe that is happening.  I feel on the verge of depression quite a lot of the time.  We now work from home and see more of each other, and that is nice, and probably a good way of accelerating positive change.

[pursuingJoy]

LunaJoy, I'm in a difficult spot with my marriage, too, so I get that part. Can you tell us more about what you mean by "fall out" after your father-in-law's passing two years ago? What do you think prompted the fall out and the choice to become vegan?

pj

[LunaJoy]

Hi PJ, the 'fallout' was a period of depression that started about 6 months after his father died.  He was stressed at work and just stopped talking properly to me.  I found John Gottman's work, and my SO was doing a classic stonewall.   He said it wasn’t me, at the time, but later it turned out that he hated it when I got shouty at our teenage kids. I stepped up my 'support' which made everything worse, as it turned out (eg finishing his sentences).  Then we went on holiday to Italy and met up with an old friend of his, and her extended family.  She had been a family au pair to his father, she was devastated at his death, she looked to my SO for support and he came right out of his shell to her, which was very painful for me as he was still barely speaking to me. Anyway, I spent much of the rest of the year in an anxious terror that he didn’t love me anymore and I would have to leave him.   Although we cleared the air after the holiday he spent many happy hours on the sofa and in the garden messaging her that year. Turning vegan was the cherry on the cake, as I am emphatically not vegan.  He did it because he felt so awful about weight he had gained. 
After I did the first post on this thread, I tried a technique I got from Eckhart Tolle of observing my painful feelings, and also noticing what was really going on with me in the moment.  The painful feelings lost their charge, and the present moment was pleasant, and the day just got better.
Neither of us grew up within a happy, loving relationship, and my parents showed me a lot about what I didn’t want, and less about what I did.  When my own feelings got so huge, I didn’t know what to do with them.  I thought they would blow up my marriage.  I doubted my own mental health (probably with justification) and wondered if losing the plot and shouting at teenagers was abusive. Today, that time feels like a raging forest fire, and that I am still stamping out small residual fires, and nurturing the new growth in the forest.
Regarding his friend, the incessant messaging just petered out.  He's 'back', though changed, which is just life, I guess.
Thank you for replying, and I hope you are feeling okay today yourself.   Have you found ways of making it work through hard times?
Maybe we all need a holiday. Xx

[pursuingJoy]

After I did the first post on this thread, I tried a technique I got from Eckhart Tolle of observing my painful feelings, and also noticing what was really going on with me in the moment.  The painful feelings lost their charge, and the present moment was pleasant, and the day just got better.

Maybe we all need a holiday. Xx

Luna, I guess we all change when we go through tough seasons. Love that you were able to center yourself by getting in touch with your painful feelings, and that they lost their charge.  I get what you mean by questioning your own mental health. I think it's pretty normal and probably healthy that we do. None of us has it all together.

Yes to holidays! H surprised me with a beach trip this weekend. It was so very needed and refreshing.

A lady once told me that "marriage is hard because people change." So simple but so true. We're learning to roll with the punches. 

[LunaJoy]

Hope you had a wonderful break, pursuingJoy! I’ve been exploring change using Myers Briggs type personality testing over the last few days, and noticing how much I’ve changed.  I think I got to a point in life where it was comfortable (which I was proud of too) and then I didn’t welcome uninvited changes in loved ones.  But change is life, and needs to be accepted.  Thank you for all your helpful words.