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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Let's be friends  (Read 540 times)
Mutt
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« on: January 21, 2020, 12:33:21 PM »

I have been with my gf for about three years and in that time there as been a cyclical pattern. She'll want a romantic r/s and after a few months she will start to push and she will break-up with me this is usually about this time of the year. The last time I accepted being FWB because I didn't really want to break up I still wanted to be in a r/s which I don't think that I should have done what I should have done which is what I did this time is break up with her and tell her that I'm not interested in being friends I'm only interested in a romantic r/s.

I'm not saying this because I regret what I had done or it's a self esteem issue but I tried to circumvent the pain and it only prolonged the issue to come to this eventual outcome. That being said I actually feel good, several years ago before this site set me on my current path I would have been really broken up about it and I would have accepted just being friends - well I did.

I was assertive yesterday and told her that it's time that I look out for what I want and I told her to not contact me unless she is interested with being with me because I don't want a friendship. It would not be fair for me to give her what she wants which was emotional support and give her the benefits of a bf without the messiness of a r/s.  It felt good to stand up for myself, believe in myself and have faith.

The last couple of times she broke up with me we got back together within a couple of months and who knows this may expedite it and we'll get back together more quickly. She'll think about the next time she'll want to break up "The last time that I was going to break up with Mutt I didn't talk to him for a couple of months"

I started seeing this coming a couple of weeks ago when she started calling me dude and thought that is something that you would call a friend not a br or gf. We had gone to Costco on my birthday on the 15th and we were looking at gold and later on she said don't worry about getting me something expensive for Valentine's day, save your money Mutt. I complained about over spending on the holidays and paying off my credit cards.

It came to my mind that she is saying this because she's feeling guilty because she feels like she is taking advantage of me because she sees me as a friend and not as a romantic partner. I asked her and she confirmed it, she said is there something wrong with me Mutt that I'm doubting myself again I don't know what I want. I said that it telegraphs that you have don't have more awareness than self awareness  ( she is very aware and surprises me with self awareness but she is not the type to self reflect ) it's not your fault what happened in the past, I think that you have an ambiguous attachment style but you can certainly change your attachment style to a more secure one with work.

I told her I can see how this would cause fights if I had taken this personally but I don't take it personally because I understand why you act the way that you do with wanting to be in a r/s but once that you're in a r/s you start to push because you don't to be consumed by it.

I also told her to not contact me until she knows that she wants to be in a romantic r/s to try to move her off center. It's been three years already and I have shown a lot of patience, the reason why I am writing this is because I feel good about it. I should also mention that her mother passed away in early October and her mother's birthday is the same day as mine and I knew that it was going to be difficult on her I asked her if she wanted to talk about it which confirmed to me that it was more difficult on her than what I thought. That being said I hate the timing but this is what she wanted - she didn't feel like she wanted to be in a r/s with me. I didn't have a choice I had to show that I respected myself, if I don't respect myself than what does that telegraph to her - she won't respect me.

I told her contact me if you want to be more than just friends aside from that I'm not interested in just being friends.
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Jwood

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« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2020, 10:47:10 PM »

Hey Mutt,

Great that you are exerting your boundary! I know how hard that is. So easy to waver. I am trying to remind myself that relaxing my boundaries won't get me what i want and, as you said, i think they respect you for it. I keep hearing they want boundaries.

I think you'll likely hear from her based on what you've described.

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« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2020, 11:49:59 PM »

good job for standing for what you believe in. its not easy letting go of someone you love but settling for less than what you deserve is also a huge disservice to yourself. i can only imagine the battle you must have felt internally.

sending you my best wishes on this journey buddy
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2020, 11:58:09 PM »

Sorry for the long post!

After my exbpd broke up with me I started dating someone else. She wanted to break up with me after the first month, said we should be friends.

Like you, I told her I didn't want to be friends, that I wasn't rejecting her, but that's not what I wanted.

She felt that she was losing me and she "came back" a bit clingy actually. It had worked.

After some time it happened again. I once again managed to dodge the breakup through saying friends is not a possibility, though she was a bit more distant this time, things were ok for a while.

One last time she said it, and I tried it again, friends is no go, she was ok with it now, and decided to end it.

After some thought I'm realizing what she meant with "let's be friends". It was her way to reset the relationship, something had to change but she didn't know how to communicate it.

First time I had gone away on vacation and obviously wasn't available for a while, when I tried to be romantic she wouldn't have it, wanted to "be friends". Second time we had some issues with sex, I tried to make it up to her by being romantic (or so I thought), again she wanted to be friends. Last time she had a bad weekend traveling with family, and me being " romantic " felt like a chore for her.

I was being heavy on rs stuff at inappropriate times. There's a "flow" to it that I hadn't realized. it's not that she didn't want to be with me because she would come back, it was more of a "you're skipping steps". Since we've had romance before I thought romance was ok, never did it occur to me that the " romance/relationship meter" slowly depleted and I had to build it back up with lighter stuff, "being friends", or as I understand it now, reconnect at a personal, not sexual or even commitment level.

In the end after she broke up with me she said her goodbyes with an extremely polite "good evening to you". The relationship had deteriorated to the point of not even talking to me like a friend, much less a lover.

I've been talking to my bpdex as friends for a while now and her new relationship came up. She mentioned him being there for her when she most needed it. She said she initially found him kind of annoying really, but realized " she liked him" after talking over beers, after he showed his caring compassionate self, after sharing deeper stories about themselves, basically after the deeper personal connection had been established. I believe her, because we ended up together (and the person I dated after as well) after one such "deep talks".

What I'm saying is what's missing that romance is not on the horizon? Could it be that the deep connection you shared is lost/forgotten?
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2020, 08:05:33 AM »

Excerpt
She mentioned him being there for her when she most needed it. She said she initially found him kind of annoying really, but realized " she liked him" after talking over beers, after he showed his caring compassionate self, after sharing deeper stories about themselves, basically after the deeper personal connection had been established. I believe her, because we ended up together (and the person I dated after as well) after one such "deep talks".

I was there when her mom was diagnosed with cancer and she passed away, I told her her there is nothing more that I can give because I’ve gone above and beyond for her and she agreed.

I agree with stepping off the gas when it comes to talking about a r/s - keep things light, have fun and go with the flow.

I don’t want to sound harsh here by saying this and I thought the exact same thing for years that women want that deep emotional connection and share your most intimate feelings but that’s female energy that is not male energy and it will come off as clingy and needy and women don’t want that. Keep things light and have fun and don’t be serious.

Excerpt
What I'm saying is what's missing that romance is not on the horizon? Could it be that the deep connection you shared is lost/forgotten?

It’s possible and if that’s the case then the r/s lasted as long as it was supposed to there’s no sense in idealizing her or the honeymoon phase. It’s time to let go, move on and go with the flow.
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2020, 10:42:53 AM »

Hi Mutt,

I don’t want to sound harsh here by saying this and I thought the exact same thing for years that women want that deep emotional connection and share your most intimate feelings but that’s female energy that is not male energy and it will come off as clingy and needy and women don’t want that. Keep things light and have fun and don’t be serious. 

As a female, i have to say i don't agree. I think both men and women want a deep emotional connection on some level while also remaining your own person. The same applies for being serious. If you become enmeshed and clingy, that's different. That's when people will begin to feel engulfed those with or without bpd. If there's bpd though, then times it by 1000. Long story short, i think this relates more to the bpd and not to women or men in general.
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2020, 11:50:34 AM »

Sure you want emotional intimacy, I want that too, I think to be in a healthy r/s or one that is on the level where it's really special you have to open yourself and share the most intimate things about yourself. Men tend to get carried away and want a r/s right away, don't be serious and talk about that all of the time because it is going to take some time for a woman to open up and trust you. Relax and enjoy yourself and enjoy the company and don't get caught up on having to lock a woman down a in a r/s.

You can be emotional but I don't think that you have to be on an emotional level all of the time to try to connect with another woman - you should have access to it but be yourself, be genuine, be comfortable in your own skin.

I'm a highly sensitive person, I'm philosophical and I'm not scared to share my feelings and I'm just using my gf as an example here, she's not baseline that represents all women but she's not the self reflective type, she doesn't share her feelings ( she's a non btw ) but she says that she is more emotional, more emotional than me and that I'm too logical which is true I think with that portion of me more than the emotional side, really it should be in between where it overlaps ( wise mind ) you don't want to think to far one way or the other.

My point is have emotional intimacy, don't try to lock someone down for a r/s, let it evolve that way if that is what it is intended to be, don't try to force it and if you're not on the same page then that's fine there are other potential partners out there. Don't suffer and hang in there hoping that the other person is going to change their mind.

Think of it this way if this were are negotiated deal and I stayed friends with her but I want more than that and she's not interested what kind of a deal is that if I provide everything that a boyfriend would without the sexual intimacy?
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2020, 04:29:53 PM »

Excerpt
what kind of a deal is that if I provide everything that a boyfriend would without the sexual intimacy?
See the other side too, what if she sees it as it devolving into just sex/routine without the personal intimacy?

You both seem to want the same thing, "being closer", though each has a different measure of what it means to be close.

We men tend to confuse sex with intimacy, and women (in my experience) want intimacy ("friendship", though the word misses the real thing that's being communicated) before sex/relationships.

How do you two usually end up back together after one such cycle?
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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2020, 04:57:09 PM »

See the other side too, what if she sees it as it devolving into just sex/routine without the personal intimacy?

You both seem to want the same thing, "being closer", though each has a different measure of what it means to be close.

We men tend to confuse sex with intimacy, and women (in my experience) want intimacy ("friendship", though the word misses the real thing that's being communicated) before sex/relationships.

How do you two usually end up back together after one such cycle?

Keep in mind in this day and age it is not just a men thing anymore. Women are just as guilty as confusing sex with intimacy. We do live in an age of microwave dating, relationships, and love. I would say the biggest problem is communication in general. Both men and women suck at it nowadays and that is the main reason why the dating landscape as a whole is garbage and things get so messy. The communication sucks and then the whole idea of hey lets just have sex and then see where everything goes...yeah that is such a brilliant idea. Hey to each their own on that, but it boggles my mind how so many people male or female place so much emphasis on sex and then whine and cry when their relationships go to sh*t. Hey here is an idea...to all those that use a canned response of but I love him/her...do you really love that said person? Ok, if so remove sex from the equation and what exactly do you love about them? Just some food for thought. Sorry for the thread hijack and I am just speaking in general terms here for the sake of discussion.

Cheers!

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Mutt
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« Reply #9 on: January 25, 2020, 02:24:19 PM »

She tested me today. I have no spoken to her since Monday and she sent me a message on WhatsApp that her grandfather passed away and that I have a good day. I didn’t respond.

Every Saturday my S8 and her S7 have a mental math class I took public transit and I brought my gym bag with me. Usually we spend those two hours together but that’s no longer the car I thought I’ll go to the gym and that’s fine and this afternoon I can concentrate on chores.

I said hi to her when âge came out of the class after she dropped her kid off I went in and dropped mine off and talked to the teacher for a few seconds and I noticed that her car was still parked in the front. The bus stop is literally 15 or 29 feet away and I just went to the bus stop and checked my app to check where the bus is with GPS. She called me and sh asked me if I was going to the gym I said yes she said she was going that way ( she just wanted to create an opportunity to talk ) and she asked me if I wanted a lift I said sure.

I told her that I’m sorry for your loss and she asked me why I didn’t respond ( she was testing me ) I said that I thought that I was pretty clear that Im not interested in being friends and that if she wanted a r/s then she knows where to find me.

She doesn’t like the sound of that and she wanted to know if I’m being serious of course she’s not going to come and directly say it but the fact that she was in her car for a few minutes before calling me telegraphs that she wanted to talk to me but I think that there’s some anger there directed at me too, some and not high level anger because she projected in the next part.

She said that’s bitterness - although she doesn’t see her family everyday and talks to them every couple of days, she still loves them.

My response to that was that that was one way of looking at it but I have to stand up for myself that emotionally supportive part of me that would give like a boyfriend would but I’d just a friend is not accessible to her anymore if she just wants to be friends. I told her to think of it as time to be alone and think about things, it’s not being manipulative because I’m not trying to coerce her into doing something that she does not want and that I’m being respective and giving her space.

I think that her anxiety in regards to this has probably gone up and I completely understand that she has a lot of mixed feelings right now and that she is going through a lot. I get it I really do but let’s say if I cave in then that just prolongs this and I’ll have to deal with it again in the future it’s not going to fix anything by giving her what she wants. - I get hurt and she gets what she wants!

What I will share with you that I felt like telling her that probably comes off as narcissistic or another way of looking at it is understand or embracing my value. I felt like saying to her that there are tons of needy guys out there but you if you’re looking for a strong one he’s right in front of you. I’m pushing 50 and she likes older men, I have been working out five days a week for the five years, I’m a single dad that has my kids with me half of the time, I got challenged by my ex after a few years and didn’t hesitate to go to court and shut that down. I’m an attractive older man and if she wants to pass up on that it’s up to her age can go her way and I’ll go my way.


To get back on point this was a test, she’s testing to see if I’m bluffing.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2020, 02:31:36 PM by Mutt » Logged

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« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2020, 10:36:29 PM »

So I hope you take this the right way...I am proud of you for standing your ground. Most will be suckers and wilt under the pressure. Keep that boundary up like its a brick wall. Personally I love seeing this. As I personally always say...I bow to no one! Either you meet me half way or kick rocks. I don't do drama and I am a no Bullsh*t zone. You have taken that approach as well...don't ever change that approach.

Yes of course it was a sh*t test. You are not playing the game and you are showing you will be respected and you know your own self-worth and value.

"I think that her anxiety in regards to this has probably gone up and I completely understand that she has a lot of mixed feelings right now and that she is going through a lot. I get it I really do but let’s say if I cave in then that just prolongs this and I’ll have to deal with it again in the future it’s not going to fix anything by giving her what she wants. - I get hurt and she gets what she wants! " - Yeah Eff that noise! You are not wrong here and always as a man keep the mentality that you will play b*tch to no one! You are option ONE or you are option NONE! Never relent and never apologize for being a man and having confidence in your masculinity!

"What I will share with you that I felt like telling her that probably comes off as narcissistic or another way of looking at it is understand or embracing my value. I felt like saying to her that there are tons of needy guys out there but you if you’re looking for a strong one he’s right in front of you. I’m pushing 50 and she likes older men, I have been working out five days a week for the five years, I’m a single dad that has my kids with me half of the time, I got challenged by my ex after a few years and didn’t hesitate to go to court and shut that down. I’m an attractive older man and if she wants to pass up on that it’s up to her age can go her way and I’ll go my way." - So always remember actions speak louder than words. There is no point in saying what you thought you wanted to. There is more power in showing it as opposed to talking about it. I am happy you didn't say it. It would be kind of arrogant and narcissistic to say it as it would come off as an attention grab and trying to build yourself up to grandiose standards. By not saying it shows confidence and power. Honestly, I think you are handling things the right way and just keep on keeping on

For you I hope your situation turns out the way you want it to. I will say though that I think you are going to be fine one way or the other and ultimately this is what I try to help others with....outcome independence. You will be happy and enjoy life regardless of the outcome.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-
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« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2020, 01:53:36 AM »

I would have gone with a minimal, diplomatic response on his grandpa's passing. Sorry for your loss, nothing more, like you would a stranger.

I mean, even a polite "Sorry for your loss" is appropriate between strangers, which you did say, but only alone in her car on a non-date "friendly" ride to the gym? Why not on a more distant medium like text?

If I messaged someone close to me with news a family member passed and got ignored I would feel it as a harsh rejection, which in this case is exactly what you're going for, so the anger you sense from her probably is coming from that.

If you're really serious about zero contact unless a relationship was offered, you should not have accepted the car ride either.

If she approached you again, what would you take as an actual bid to reconnect instead of it being a "test"?
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« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2020, 10:28:12 AM »

Excerpt
So I hope you take this the right way...I am proud of you for standing your ground. Most will be suckers and wilt under the pressure. Keep that boundary up like its a brick wall. Personally I love seeing this. As I personally always say...I bow to no one! Either you meet me half way or kick rocks. I don't do drama and I am a no Bullsh*t zone. You have taken that approach as well...don't ever change that approach.

Thank you SinisterComplex. I appreciate the feedback. It feels great to stand up for myself.

Excerpt
I mean, even a polite "Sorry for your loss" is appropriate between strangers, which you did say, but only alone in her car on a non-date "friendly" ride to the gym? Why not on a more distant medium like text?

I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I got that about an hour before meeting her so I left it because I was mulling it around in my head. I was thinking about what am I going to respond to? She said even her exH they hated her mother texted her and said sorry that her mother passed. Yes but the man was her ex husband and she doesn’t see me as a partner because she doesn’t  want the commitment. I agree with you that there would have been no harm in simply I’m sorry for your loss.

Excerpt
If you're really serious about zero contact unless a relationship was offered, you should not have accepted the car ride either.

I’m not giving up on her but what I am trying to convey is that I’m moving on. I’m not going to initiate contact by text, call or email. How I interpret no contact in this context is that I’m not chasing her - I didn’t decline the call because she’s the one that was chasing me. That being said there could have been a chance that she wanted to talk about more  than what we had talked about but you’re right if I hadn’t talked to her in the morning then she’s likely going to question me about her morning text.

I had even thought of that she’s not going to return now it’s too early I give it a few weeks and if it truly is the end and she’s not interested in me in that context then it’s time to move on for both of us. Think of it this way what is her plan? So far it has been three years where she doesn’t want to share me with anyone else but wants me around if and when she changes her mind and how long do we propose to do that? I just turned 46 and she’s 34, I don’t have time to waste a few more years hanging in there hoping that I don’t get friend zoned for ever while I may find someone else in that time that has values that align with my own?

I agree with SinisterComplex that I’m in a good spot here if she rejects me then that is as long as the r/s was meant to last there is no sense in hanging on with rose colored glasses.

Her being angry is a good tell and as I said this was a test which is a good sign because she’s being emotional reactive to me. That being said this time apart gives both of us time to think and heal which I think is needed for both of us and if it’s as long as the r/s is suppose to last then we can both move on. I’m not the type that remains as friends with an ex after we’re done. I’m not judging others that do I respect everyone’s own personal decision but it’s not something that I can personally pull off.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2020, 10:37:04 AM by Mutt » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2020, 12:50:11 PM »

She tested me again yesterday and asked if could come over to give her a massage if I wanted to ( which could have led up to sex ) and that I didn't have to if I didn't want to. She knows from my past behavior that I will be waiting for her. She followed up with a message a little while later and said sorry to bother and I won't bother you again. I said sorry I'm not interested in just being friends but let me know if you change your mind and I left it at that.

What I mean by test is that she is testing my boundaries but if I would have told her that I would come over I'm at her place stuck there talking to her on her terms and everything up to this point would have been a waste. It shows me that she thinks about me, she misses me and that she has positive thoughts about me which are all good signs. I think that she tested if I was going to remain centered and become needy by her comment that she was not going to bother me again. I know that she'll contact me again so it didn't bother me whereas a couple of years ago or more I would have felt really anxious and worried that I may not have another chance.
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« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2020, 04:11:13 PM »

She messaged me last night she asked if I would be interested in coming over to talk - I said sure. There has been 21 days since the last time that we talked and I thought that she is trying to make an effort so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

We had small talk but I think that she was also probing to see what I was up to or if I had moved on with someone else - it's only 21 days and out of respect for her I would have waited at least a year I would have just focused on myself.

The gym never breaks up with me and is always there so I can alway count on that and I probably would have concentrated more on training without distractions.

That being said, she mentioned that I was angry with how I reacted and I said that I don't think that I angry. I said that the last time that we talked in person she mentioned that I was being too rigid and I said that I agree with here that there is more flexibility in the world and that it is a grey place but in the grey zone there are black and white slits and those black and white slits are values and a value is non negotiable - rigid.

I told her wouldn't you want someone that sticks up for themselves if you don't stick up for yourself then how are you going to stick up for your girlfriend?

However I think that there is truth with both - I think that I felt resentment because I clearly had not stated my position until about three weeks ago and I had enough of the waffling with both sides so I stuck up for myself. I agree with her and I think that I did the right thing.

So I decided to let her back in that way I'm not taking the easy way from what I learned in life there no easy fixes and if there is an easy way it's not worth it in the long run so this way I can exercise my boundaries if needed.

She's got a lot going on emotionally after her mother's death - I decided to be patient and open minded but I'm not acting like a full fledged bf from a a friendship.

Anyways she said that she understood why I did it.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2020, 04:21:02 PM by Mutt » Logged

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« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2020, 11:29:11 PM »

Excerpt
So I decided to let her back in that way
When you first start dating there is something there but you both are at a slight distance, probing to see how the other reacts. As you date things can get more personal, yet you're not bf/gf still.

Think of it like that, like dating again. No need to fall head first, no need for grand gestures (or heavy stuff for that matter), no need to "be a bf" like you said, just see what happens.

There is some natural ambiguity in there, because you're trying but not committed yet, and that should be ok. You wouldn't ask a new person to say she wants a relationship or not to contact you for a second date would you?

History or not, the relationship you had broke down. Start anew, learn your lessons and move forward. Whatever happens.

Good luck Mutt!
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« Reply #16 on: February 14, 2020, 02:24:43 PM »

When you first start dating there is something there but you both are at a slight distance, probing to see how the other reacts. As you date things can get more personal, yet you're not bf/gf still.

Think of it like that, like dating again. No need to fall head first, no need for grand gestures (or heavy stuff for that matter), no need to "be a bf" like you said, just see what happens.

There is some natural ambiguity in there, because you're trying but not committed yet, and that should be ok. You wouldn't ask a new person to say she wants a relationship or not to contact you for a second date would you?

I like how you said that, well said itsmeSnap  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: February 15, 2020, 10:22:13 AM »

She messaged me yesterday and said that I have a Valentine’s Gift for me. I was t planning on getting anything and I thought if I get something then I’ll get something neutral. She gave me a watch with a line of poetry from Rupi Kaur engraved on it. Obviously she likes the poetry for her and she got library books from her so I thought I’ll buy her - The Sun and her Flowers which looks like I’m putting effort into it by thinking about something thoughtful but above all neutral.

She gave me a nice scarf and I gave her the book - she had a stressful couple of days at work and she had reached to family and friends and she reached out to me. I listened to her and offered her advice so it was getting late by the time that I went to her to exchange gifts. She had called me in WhatsApp prior.

She wanted me to sleep over last nights and I jokingly said whoah I’m not that kind of guy. She looked surprised and a little angry to be honest because she’s used to getting her way with me. We’re just friends at this point and I said let’s take one by one step by step. I felt awesome after I left her house because I listened to my intuition and didn’t give her access to a part of me that she wants that she has taken advantage of in the past out of need and want to I guess because she wasn’t ready for a r/s but still wanted me around but I’m not giving her the boyfriend part of me but just the friends status.

She can’t complain about last night either because I’m not obligated we’re just friends. She said you’re playing games with me. She’s not used to a different reaction from me but I’m not giving that part of me to be disappointed yet again later on. Aside from that she didn’t send me texts trying to convince me to stay I am happy that she respected that boundary.

I bought some new clothes in the last couple of weeks that are younger look and look good on me because I’m in great shape and she’s put on weight in the last three years. She criticized me for my new clothes last night and I thought about it she’s jealous because I look great there was a hint there that she’s worried about losing me. I try to work out 5 to 6 times a week for the last five years and in the past she’s criticized me for that as well. So that’s we’re that line of thought comes from with me the new look is she’s insecure. That insecurity sits with her that has nothing to do with how i choose to look or work out.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2020, 10:47:13 AM by Mutt » Logged

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« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2020, 11:30:46 AM »

Hey Mutt,

Just wanted to give you some props for the way you're handling it. My two cents, but I think it makes you look attractive. Setting boundaries, the new clothes, the way you joked about her sleeping over, all of it. Aaaand that last part: She criticized your new look, but you know deep down its more about her own insecurity. I tend to agree.
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« Reply #19 on: February 17, 2020, 11:17:14 AM »

Thanks for the feedback Dungahass. She messaged me a couple of days ago and I haven't heard from her since so I think that she's upset. She asked me again to stay over for Saturday night telling me that she slept horribly the night before. That was the last message that she left on Whatsapp. I gave her some advice for sleep and I said I'll be clear here I can't be a friend and romantic at the same time it's either one or the other and we're just friends right now and I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask me to sleep over again because I'm going to have to ask that we give each other space again.

I felt bad for a bit but I'm not obligated we're not in a romantic r/s. She's 11 years younger than I and I understand when she says that some of my ways are too rigid. I get it! I also get how there is a lot of overlap with r/s's today and I respect that but in this r/s with her if I told her I'll come over and sleep in your bed with you and then in a few weeks she starts to feel engulfed and starts to run again because she feels like she's suffocating in the r/s I'm left hurt again.

She doesn't see how her actions effects me, she always follows what she wants and I respect that, I respect that she knows what she wants and she's assertive but pay me the same respects, I should allowed to follow what I want and be assertive when I'm not interested in something.

I think that she was worried because of the distance in the last three weeks, it's easier to see what's going on when you're closer you have more control and she probably thought that she would have more control over me and that I would cave and give her what she wants. The last line that I left in the message was do you we have an understanding after I told her not to ask me again, she didn't press it with me by not answering which telegraphs that she doesn't want to lose me.

I'll give her space and let her chase me again I think that will happen in a few days. I feel like telling her straight out that I'm not going to change my mind if you keep asking me to be fwb so don't ask, I think that it's better that you go your way and I go my way but I think that I'll let that go. I think that she was testing my boundaries and I think that she is starting to get it now.
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