need help dealing with my Mom

[fluteturtle]

Hi, everyone,

this is my first post. I'm really sad today and feeling guilty because I haven't reached out to (or heard from) my Mom is over two weeks. My therapists over the past 10 years all seem to agree she has classic symptoms of BPD. I've never told her. She's 80 and recently almost got scammed. She's always in crisis, has no money, she and her boyfriend break up every 6 weeks or so. I finally spent $700 on an Ari bomb and rental car this Christmas so that I didn't have to stay with her in her house. I am super-sad, though, and am starting up with a new therapist here in NYC, but really need some input from the bpd community. thanks

[Spindle0516]

Hi Fluteturtle! 

You are not alone.  All of this stuff is so hard and it sounds like you are already taking wonderful steps at taking care of yourself.

My MIL is also always in crisis. She has a history of making poor choices, especially in regard to money. I can't tell you how many times she has given away her personal information to people on FB or on websites that are clearly not safe. She has atrocious credit and really poor spending habits.

I am just sending a gentle and loving reminder that there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and taking time away from mom so that you can regroup. 

[Person2]

Hi Fluteturtle,

I’m also new to this site and I just wanted to help welcome you. I’m sorry to hear about your situation and how you’re currently feeling.

She's always in crisis, has no money, she and her boyfriend break up every 6 weeks or so.

I completely relate; sounds exactly like my mom.

I’m new to finding ways to healthily deal with my relationship with my mom (I’ve let her know that I’m taking a break for now); the short time I’ve spent on this site has been invaluable. I hope you will find it to be as well.

 

[Pesto7]

I think it’s important to give room for your sadness. It is sad and does suck. My BPD person is my sister.. it just sucks. I think what you did (staying in a different location) sounds healthy and like a good way to ensure your own safety.

[Mata]

Hi Fluteturtle!

I'm new here too, also wanted to say welcome.  I can really relate to feeling guilty and sad when it comes to my BPD mom.  My mom also is in crisis often and similarly cannot manage her finances.  It gets exhausting, and yet I feel so bad for her at the same time.

I think its great you are planning to start with a new therapist.  I recently started therapy and just the act of going has helped me to feel better because it is something that I'm doing just for me. 

[Methuen]

Hi Fluteturtle

Welcome to our forum   You sound like you are already taking measures to take care of yourself.  Good for you

I finally spent $700 on an Ari bomb and rental car this Christmas so that I didn't have to stay with her in her house.

This is a good strategy to keep your own safe space while still spending time with her.

She's always in crisis, has no money, she and her boyfriend break up every 6 weeks or so.

It's really tough to see our parent struggling like this. 

I'm really sad today and feeling guilty because I haven't reached out to (or heard from) my Mom is over two weeks.

It's OK to be feeling sad Fluteturtle.  It probably means you are a caring person.  Do you think it could be part of a grieving process?

By not contacting your mom in two weeks, you are 1) Taking care of yourself (2) setting a boundary.

The guilt (FOG) is the result of being raised by a BPD parent.  It feels the worst when you first start the NC/LC.  It gets better over time if you stick to your boundaries, and practice SET and other skills suggested on this site.  At least that has been my experience.  My mom is 83 and wore me out (I'm an only child), until like you, I decided I needed help, and found this site and a T.

It feels awful when we see our parents make terrible decisions.  Ultimately the more we rescue them, the more we enable them to make more terrible decisions.  With the help of others, I have come to realize that I must acknowledge that my mom is an adult, and give her the autonomy to make her own decisions.  It is really painful to watch.  I am sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you are really struggling with the guilt.  It is imperative that you take the time you need to heal yourself.  We can't learn and grow in our quest to navigate a relationship with a BPD person, if we are falling apart ourselves.  Does that make sense?

Can you tell us more about what led up to this?