Venting about the impossibility of this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've posted on the "Bettering" board about my uBPD best friend, but it's time for me to to move to "Conflicted or Just Tolerating It."  I think I've been in this stage for awhile and have been going through ups and downs, doing an okay job of managing my own distress and focusing on my life.  Right now, after a good period, I'm crashing again due to a specific conversation, but really it's discouragement that these conversations are the norm, not the exception.  I'm in a dark hole, constant questioning of myself again, turning inward and seeing all of the bad things, my own inability to stand up for myself, to do a good job of validating her, not taking things personally, super-examination of my own faults and inability to somehow "fix this."  

She often teases/makes fun of me, and yesterday, she started poking at me again. I asked if she could please not tease me about this particular thing, and we dived into a conversation where I was told "this issue doesn't bother HER so she should be able to tease me" and she had "no idea that bothered me" and "when I have an issue can I please keep it to ONE, maybe TWO things and bring them up IMMEDIATELY."  She also commented how she doesn't understand how we have to be on the phone for "40 minutes" when she has things to do. I felt like a child being scolded - again.

Well, I'd followed these "rules" on this one - brought it up immediately, simply, and answered her questions... didn't defend or lose control, but I'm realizing that I'm in a lose-lose.  She just wants to be in the power position.  She's not able to process or handle my feelings because she probably feels attacked somehow.  My hurt feelings make her feel attacked.  She'll find something to pick on with my communication skills as long as she can avoid the real issue.  

This friendship/relationship is so distressing and discouraging!  And I still think that if I could have been better at communication somehow, or less selfish, or more loving, or given her more attention, or more freedom, or be better at guessing which of these she wants at any time, then it would have worked.  Intellectually I know this isn't true and I see how impossible this sounds!  I kind of want to slow fade out of this relationship, but this all just hurts too badly to figure out what to do.

I am in a bad habit right now of trying to receive validation from others in my life, asking them "am I selfish?," or "do I have horrible communication skills?" or even "am I a good mother/wife/friend?"  They all reassure me I'm totally fine, but it's hard to believe when one of the people I'm closest to sometimes thinks the exact opposite (of course, mixed with the intermittent reinforcement that I'm such a great friend).

[MariannaR]

I've posted on the "Bettering" board about my uBPD best friend, but it's time for me to to move to "Conflicted or Just Tolerating It."  I think I've been in this stage for awhile and have been going through ups and downs, doing an okay job of managing my own distress and focusing on my life.  Right now, after a good period, I'm crashing again due to a specific conversation, but really it's discouragement that these conversations are the norm, not the exception.  I'm in a dark hole, constant questioning of myself again, turning inward and seeing all of the bad things, my own inability to stand up for myself, to do a good job of validating her, not taking things personally, super-examination of my own faults and inability to somehow "fix this."  

She often teases/makes fun of me, and yesterday, she started poking at me again. I asked if she could please not tease me about this particular thing, and we dived into a conversation where I was told "this issue doesn't bother HER so she should be able to tease me" and she had "no idea that bothered me" and "when I have an issue can I please keep it to ONE, maybe TWO things and bring them up IMMEDIATELY."  She also commented how she doesn't understand how we have to be on the phone for "40 minutes" when she has things to do. I felt like a child being scolded - again.

Well, I'd followed these "rules" on this one - brought it up immediately, simply, and answered her questions... didn't defend or lose control, but I'm realizing that I'm in a lose-lose.  She just wants to be in the power position.  She's not able to process or handle my feelings because she probably feels attacked somehow.  My hurt feelings make her feel attacked.  She'll find something to pick on with my communication skills as long as she can avoid the real issue.  

This friendship/relationship is so distressing and discouraging!  And I still think that if I could have been better at communication somehow, or less selfish, or more loving, or given her more attention, or more freedom, or be better at guessing which of these she wants at any time, then it would have worked.  Intellectually I know this isn't true and I see how impossible this sounds!  I kind of want to slow fade out of this relationship, but this all just hurts too badly to figure out what to do.

I am in a bad habit right now of trying to receive validation from others in my life, asking them "am I selfish?," or "do I have horrible communication skills?" or even "am I a good mother/wife/friend?"  They all reassure me I'm totally fine, but it's hard to believe when one of the people I'm closest to sometimes thinks the exact opposite (of course, mixed with the intermittent reinforcement that I'm such a great friend).

[Cat Familiar]

Trying to get validation from a friend like this is bound to be fraught. To successfully maintain a friendship or relationship with a pwBPD requires one to be self sufficient emotionally and very strong.

Her lack of empathy for you, the inequity about “the rules,” and her desire to be in control certainly don’t put you two on a level playing field.

What are the positives in your relationship that make the downsides worth tolerating?

[Lucky Jim]

I'm in a dark hole, constant questioning of myself again, turning inward and seeing all of the bad things, my own inability to stand up for myself, to do a good job of validating her, not taking things personally, super-examination of my own faults and inability to somehow "fix this." 

Hey MariannaR, Those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non.  Your task is to decline to internalize her critiques.  I have a saying: Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it.  So don't consume it.  I suggest practicing kindness towards yourself.  Don't beat yourself up!  You're human, just the like the rest of us, so give yourself a break.  I had the hubris to think I could crack the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me.  By the same token, you can't "fix" her disorder, sad to say.

I suggest you put yourself first and figure out what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[MariannaR]

I had the hubris to think I could crack the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me.  By the same token, you can't "fix" her disorder, sad to say.

Thanks, LuckyJim - Yep, I am spending time trying to "crack the code" as you said.  I alternate between hope and despair and might be denying how much can change.
Amazing how she knows what will get to me and what things will end up making me feel badly.  Yet I STILL want to help HER apparent suffering.  I still believe she doesn't mean it or intend it and she's just trying to get her needs met.  How to break this strange bond!

And this! 

Your task is to decline to internalize her critiques.

Thank you!  This is going to be my mantra this week.

[MariannaR]

What are the positives in your relationship that make the downsides worth tolerating?

Gosh, that's been harder and harder to answer.  There used to be some positives... she was a big part of my "relationship pie" as mentioned on another message.  I did a lot of leaning on her, sharing everything, recipient of the love bombing.  She'd cross boundaries and there's be big fights and bigger make-ups with her asking me to promise to "never leaver her" and "always be her best friend."  I loved all the devoted attention - giving and receiving of it.  But looking back it was intermittent and I was often off-kilter.  I dealt with periods of depression (better now).  But I can't let go and I can't figure out why.

[Cat Familiar]

It totally makes sense how we get so bound up with these absolutely charming and lovable characters who then morph into very different people. They still show up occasionally as the selves we were initially attracted to, but then we are also dealing with the snarly, surly, disagreeable part as well. The intermittent reinforcement of seeing the great side of them keeps us addicted, hoping that we see more of that side.

The initial friendship you had with her fed a need. It’s hard to give up something when we don’t have something else to replace it. Can you think of ways that you can get that need met in other ways? Other friendships? Activities? Volunteering? Some creative pursuit?

[MariannaR]

They still show up occasionally as the selves we were initially attracted to,

Yes, absolutely!  It's becoming more and more infrequent, and I think I'm making progress at detachment.  I do have friends and activities, but there really was something about that "one person" being there, interested, supportive.  But I'm painting that as if that was the case.  It was intermittent, and becoming even more so after years of this. 

She did fill a need I didn't know I had!  She had kind of an "authority" role in my life (through work) and I believe sought validation from her.  When she'd become distant, I'd be good at getting interested in others and my activities, but then she'd "come back" and I'd kind of fall back in to making her a priority.  At this point, it's more a deep sense of responsibility.   I've hurt her in various ways (usually when I hold up a boundary - for example I no longer let her look through my phone and she did NOT take that well) so I think I have a desire to prove to her that I am a good friend and not the awful person she thinks I am when she's upset.

[Lucky Jim]

I have a desire to prove to her that I am a good friend and not the awful person she thinks I am when she's upset.

Hey Marianna, Why do you need to prove anything?  Trying to convince a pwBPD of your own merit is likely a futile pursuit, particularly when she's stirred up.

LJ

[MariannaR]

Hey Marianna, Why do you need to prove anything?  Trying to convince a pwBPD of your own merit is likely a futile pursuit, particularly when she's stirred up.

LJ

Very good point, LuckyJim.  Maybe I am trying to prove it to myself.  I've relied on her opinion of me for so long, which is sometimes so very good, and other times so horrible.  My next step is to just step back, which I'm doing, but as usual, I am receiving messages like "What are you doing?" or "I miss you" (after a period of yelling at me over phone and text).

[Lucky Jim]

I've relied on her opinion of me for so long, which is sometimes so very good, and other times so horrible.

Relying on her for your self-esteem is unpredictable.  As you note, sometimes it's great; sometimes horrible.

Your goal, I suggest, is to seek self-esteem from within.

LJ