I noticed the warning signs in my partner starting again

[Sunflower123]

Hi everyone,
I'm back again...it's been about 5 years since my last post and once again my partner has dumped me and left the house.  The last time this happened my partner ended up crying and begging for me to stay with him.  Saying that he's changed and he was terrible to me.  He promised he wanted to marry me and be with me forever. I took him back.  We've had some ups and downs over the years and my partner has gone through some minor episodes.  

  We have now been together for almost 10 years.  A couple months ago I noticed the warning signs in my partner starting again...decreased need for sleep, pushing me away, being very critical of me, wanting to spend more time with a certain group of friends, obsession with weight/appearance, dieting, hyper sexual then not wanting sex, not wanting to be touched or affection, sleeping in the spare bedroom, extreme changes in likes/dislikes, memory distortion, etc.  

Then the breakup came.  He TEXTED me in November that he was done with me.  Right after my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  He didn't seem to care at all what I was going through during this time.  He continued to tell friends that we were a couple.  Around the holidays we spent some time with friends and he began to act more loving towards me again around Christmas.  He started sleeping in our bed again and being affectionate with me.  

The day before New Year's eve his friend found my old profile on a dating site.  I had created this 5 years ago when he split from me.  I never deleted it partly because I didn't think to do it, honestly partly just incase he ever left me again.  I know now this was a big mistake.  I didn't meet anyone on the site, just wanted to make it because I was upset.  He saw that I recently checked it.  Which I admit that I did.    

I had forgotten about the site, but I received a notification and I went to check it.  Technically my partner had broken up with me... I was truly not looking to meet with anyone, but he left me feeling very alone recently and I sometimes just wonder if I could find someone else.  Maybe get some validation that I wasn't getting from him.  It's not a popular dating site, so I really didn't think anyone would see me on it. I know that this isn't that great of me, but I truly have never cheated on my partner or had any intention of doing so.  No inappropriate or suggestive messages were sent.  I still really regret even being on this site.  I truly love my partner and I feel so bad for hurting him.  

  I let him go through my whole phone to prove I wasn't meeting with anyone and I deleted my profile in front of him.  I tried to explain this to him.  He told me that he never broke up with me (he definitely did) and he can't believe I was on the site all these years.  I do feel bad that I was checking the site on and off over the years and he saw it on my profile.  He said he wasn't upset..but I'm sure he was.  

On New Year's Eve he toasted to me that we will have a much better year together this year than last.  I was really surprised and very happy.  We had a great week together where he acted "back to normal" again.  He was sleeping in bed and taking me out on dates.  Then just a week and a half later I received a gut wrenching text that he "feels the same as he did before and we need to talk".

He brought a friend over to our house with him and broke up with me.  He left to go live with him (which is in the building next door).  He has been staying on his couch for 1 month now.  He refuses to talk to me, except through email.  He is trying to kick me out of our house.  He has contacted my parents which is now horrible for me.  They insist on getting involved even though I have asked them not to.  

I really have a bad relationship with my parents which I have been trying to fix throughout the years.  They do not have good boundaries and I'm afraid they will make the situation even worse.  They want me to come live with them and I do not want that.  I will just say that they abused me mentally and physically from childhood into my early 20s.  I finally got away from them and left their house.  My partner is aware of this as well.  I have forgiven them and tried to work on our relationship, but I also keep them at a distance because of our past.  

My partner is saying all the same things to me again... he never loved me, he can't see a future with me, I forced him to be in a relationship, he has been trying to break up with me for months, he's attracted to me but doesn't want to be, he is nothing to me anymore...etc.  I am trying to leave him alone.  I texted him to let me know when he wants to talk in person.  I haven't heard from him in days.  He is telling our mutual friends lies about me and how "horrible" I have treated him.  He told them I made him "eat garbage"(I cook for him every night and he claims I won't cook for him), took all of his money, and held him hostage in this relationship.  They will not talk to me anymore.  I'm really embarrassed about the whole thing.

I have an appointment with a therapist in a few days, but I am really stressing out over this situation again.  I just really needed to vent to be honest.  I really thought we were doing well since we've just had minor issues since his last big episode 5 years ago.  I still feel that even if the dating site incident didn't happen he would have found another reason to leave.  He was showing signs of starting an episode months before and it seemed like he was looking for a reason to validate a breakup with me.    

I still feel guilty.

I have invested so much in this relationship and I love my partner so much.  I have tried writing to him a week ago telling him how I feel, but he just told me I need to get out of his house.

 Do you have any advice of what else I can do?  Is leaving him alone the best thing for now?  This situation is causing a lot of damage to multiple relationships in my life.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jaded7]

Oh my gosh, I can identify with so much of your guilt and pain here. I've experienced the same confusion and trying to justify things, the guilt of 'causing' someone pain. I use that in apostrophes because I don't think you 'caused' it or I did.

I just felt your emotion here and wanted to say I get it, I'm there right now. You can read my thread if you want, but I know when I was in desperation and someone responded it made me feel better if only for a few minutes, so that's what I'm doing for you here. I hope it helps.

I'm going to respond to specific things later today.

[Sunflower123]

@jaded7 Thank you for your response.  It honestly makes me feel better.  I have been beside myself trying to deal with this whole situation and no one else seems to understand what I'm going through.

All of the friends I have with my partner have turned against me now and all my of friends just tell me to leave my partner.  It just hasn't been that simple.  Thanks so much for your support. I will check out your thread as well.  

[jaded7]

You're welcome. I just try to extend the karma here as others have done for me. In my agony and suffering, it is both helpful to me and to others.

hyper sexual then not wanting sex, not wanting to be touched or affection

I experienced this too, especially the not wanting to be touched or affection. Like, hyper reactive to various types of touch that are shocking- hands around shoulders, bumping shoulders into each other while walking closely, putting my hand on her back affectionately- all have elicited sharp responses. During sex (you can read in my posts if you want) weirdly disconnected and frequent angry, snapping, ordering.

I had created this 5 years ago when he split from me.  I never deleted it partly because I didn't think to do it, honestly partly just incase he ever left me again.  I know now this was a big mistake.  I didn't meet anyone on the site, just wanted to make it because I was upset.

I totally believe you, and anyway there was nothing wrong with doing that. He broke up with you. Mostly, I can sense that he's making you feel bad for that and you are confused.  He's mad which makes you feel guilty. I have been in such a similar situation in many ways...then you say 'but I didn't think we we're still..." or "but you broke up with me..." as you try to explain to him that it wasn't wrong or the situation HE created, but he won't hear it. Right? Been there many, many times. The blame comes around to you. I can totally see why you might go on the dating site as a way to get someone, anyone, to actually show that they like you, find you attractive, whatever.

I had forgotten about the site, but I received a notification and I went to check it.  Technically my partner had broken up with me... I was truly not looking to meet with anyone, but he left me feeling very alone recently and I sometimes just wonder if I could find someone else.  Maybe get some validation that I wasn't getting from him.  It's not a popular dating site, so I really didn't think anyone would see me on it. I know that this isn't that great of me, but I truly have never cheated on my partner or had any intention of doing so.  No inappropriate or suggestive messages were sent.  I still really regret even being on this site.  I truly love my partner and I feel so bad for hurting him.   

Yep, right? He's made you feel bad and tells you you hurt him after he DUMPED you unceremoniously and you did whatever was your right to. I totally get this feeling of guilt, I'm there right now over my gfs eye surgery. When she actually engineered the situation.

He told me that he never broke up with me (he definitely did) So frustrating the rewriting of history to make you look wrong and bad, and them fine. I just went through a shocking hour of this a couple of weeks ago where I repeatedly said in a strong and unemotional voice: No, that is not what happened. One time I even said to her "we been through this story now 4 times, I've corrected you on it 4 times, and yet you continue to bring it up and continue to change the facts of the story to make me look wrong and bad.". She then switched to another complain about how bad I am. No acknowledgement. Sound familiar?

I will just say that they abused me mentally and physically from childhood into my early 20s.  I finally got away from them and left their house.  My partner is aware of this as well.  I have forgiven them and tried to work on our relationship, but I also keep them at a distance because of our past. 

I was sexually abused as a child, and I'm learning that we who were abused don't have very good boundaries and somehow seek to fix that abusive relationship, or at least keep it from happening again? I don't know, I'm not super clear about this. But it does seem to attract us to bpd on and off again. But I"m not expert, so others can tell you. I'm just trying to acknowledge your feelings.

He is telling our mutual friends lies about me and how "horrible" I have treated him.  He told them I made him "eat garbage"(I cook for him every night and he claims I won't cook for him), took all of his money, and held him hostage in this relationship.  They will not talk to me anymore.  I'm really embarrassed about the whole thing.


I'm in the same boat right now. I know she is telling mutual friends and acquaintances about how horrible I am for not being there for her, and it feels terrible. I also know that she is not telling them she's been ghosting me on and off for months, not telling them she ghosted me for a week then left town for Christmas without saying a word to me then didn't communicate for another week leaving me alone and crying on Christmas (the week before she told me she'd be inviting me up to her Mom and Dad's place for Christmas), not telling them she's verbally abused me and insulted everything about me in angry rages.

I still feel guilty.


You wouldn't believe how guilty I feel too. But I have to keep reminding myself that she engineered the situation, had plenty of opportunity to communicate with me and didn't, left town, etc.

[Hurting badly]

As with everyone else, I can seriously relate to much of what you say.

I think some of the most difficult things to accept are the way the totally unfair narrative they have invented, you know, how controlling, manipulative you are? When this becomes an accepted reality by mutual friends and people you care about turn their backs on you. The gaslight becomes reality and, if you challenge the narrative and try to explain the bizarre truth, you end up looking and sounding as crazy as your BPD has said. So you have to accept in silence- or look crazy ;-(

For me, part of what made me desperate to get my BPD ex back was because, him coming back, admitting that he was wrong and telling others such was the only way to reestablish my identity as the decent caring person I have always tried to be. So unfair after you have done SO much to support and accommodate their issues.

I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. Remember this is NOT your fault. What really happened remains the truth whatever alternative nonsense he is believing.

[Sunflower123]

Yes, I have tried to explain to the friend he went to live with what is really happening.  He now thinks I am crazy for sure.  I stopped communication with him because it made things much worse.  My (ex)partner has told him many lies.  He has a really good career and a perfect reputation.  Everyone thinks he is just the nicest guy.  Now of course they all feel bad for poor him that we "broke up".  No one even cares that he abandoned our pets and me in a foreign country that he brought me to.  He said terrible things to me. Of course no one will believe that.  No one in our group of friends has asked if I'm doing ok and they stopped inviting me to all events.   

I have my first ever therapy appointment tomorrow with a psychologist.  Does anyone recommend anything I should make sure to mention?  I've never been to a therapy appointment and I'm quite nervous.  I made the appointment saying that I'm going through a lot of stress due to an event in my relationship.  I'm not sure if there are certain things I should make sure to bring up or not.  Should I even mention that I suspect my (ex)partner may have bpd?  Not really sure how this works.