Just discovered my wife has BPD

[TheGuz]

Hi everyone. I have been hesitant to write on this board, but I really have no other outlet at this point but to share what is going on and hope I can find some connection with some others who have similar issues.

I got married last December, so it has been a little over a year since my wife and I have been married. She is on her 3rd marriage and this is my 2nd marriage. So from the outset, I understand that there is baggage, expectations, co-parenting and a host of other normal relationship challenges. I understood that when I said "I do". We have been together now going on four years and I have finally discovered through counseling and just, well, experience, that my wife has BPD. I am at the point where I am beyond "Walking on Eggshells." I am literally on her tightrope. I have never experienced this type of intensity of emotion, rage, vacillating feelings of anger and joy. I have never been spoken to like this in my life and never met someone who can get so so angry over the smallest thing (sometimes things that are innocuous and not even an issue). I have literally lost myself these past six months and am a shell of myself. I love my wife more than anything and I am committed to her, but I need some help. I need some guidance, some support and some friends who can do this journey with me. If there is anyone out there in a similar circumstance who wants to help me, share the struggles, help with strategies, or whatever, I would appreciate it. I am literally in a living hell right now and need to learn how I can navigate this better.
Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

TheGuz, we are here for you.  and  welcome to the family! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. We have all been where you are, and a positive outcome is possible if you navigate carefully.

It sounds from your story that you are still in shock, reeling from this discovery and dealing with many broken hopes. Could you tell us a bit more about your situation and what brought you to the conclusion that BPD is the problem?

It sounds like you are in counselling which is great. Are you in counselling alone or is your wife also with you?

One of the most important predictive factors for a positive outcome is that the sufferer themselves accept the diagnosis and is willing to work on it. What does your wife think of her behaviour?

Please be compassionate with yourself. Being exposed to dysregulation and rages is very hard for the partner, and you need to think of tools to minimize the unpleasantness. It is great that you have read "Walking on Eggshells" it has many tips on where to start reducing the conflict. This board also has many tools you can use. I think a good place to start is here: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

You have the power to end the dynamic.  If you can describe a specific situation which triggered your wife, we can walk you through it and discuss how to do better next time. Don't worry, we are here for you.
  Khib 

[Rev]

Hello my friend,

Check this resource out - https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=stop+walking+on+eggshells+youtube&qs=RI&pq=stop+walking+on+eggshells+you&sc=2-29&cvid=2BDD9728665E4B048685EABE23416C3E&sp=1&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dstop%2bwalking%2bon%2beggshells%2byoutube%26qs%3dRI%26pq%3dstop%2bwalking%2bon%2beggshells%2byou%26sc%3d2-29%26cvid%3d2BDD9728665E4B048685EABE23416C3E%26FORM%3dQBRE%26sp%3d1&view=detail&mmscn=vwrc&mid=AEC27955A39F1E695CAEAEC27955A39F1E695CAE&FORM=WRVORC

Good luck

Rev

[jaded7]

I have never experienced this type of intensity of emotion, rage, vacillating feelings of anger and joy. I have never been spoken to like this in my life and never met someone who can get so so angry over the smallest thing (sometimes things that are innocuous and not even an issue). I have literally lost myself these past six months and am a shell of myself. I love my wife more than anything

I have been coming on here for a few weeks just to get support and to read other's stories to know I'm not alone. Like you, I have some things yelled at me that I've never experienced in all my life. Like you I have seen snapping and anger and put-downs over the smallest of things, often over even a weird misinterpretation of something said or done or 'not done'. And yes, I can see that I have become a shell of myself, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, afraid of talking about my life for fear of snarky criticism and condescension.

I recommend reading the resources on this sit, reading through the threads, and Stop Walking on Eggshells (which it sounds like you may have already read).

[WorksNeverDone]

Reading your story is like reliving my own!
The book that has been most helpful for me is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder."  You really are living in a different reality than your wife is.  While her reactions make no earthly sense to you, they are completely natural and even logical to her.  This book does a great job of explaining the different worlds in which you each live and gives context for the strategies that it and Stop Walking on Eggshells suggest.

[TheGuz]

Thank you all for the responses. It is so refreshing and good to hear about a community that supports each other. I just ordered the other suggested book and will make sure to read that as well.

Responding to one reply, I found out about this through my counselor. My wife and I went together about 3-4 times to our counselor and then I started going myself. I began tracking all of our arguments and just seeing common themes around our conflict. My counselor was very hesitant to share with me her feelings regarding why my wife was acting in this way. She then shared her thoughts and it made total sense once I started to really research it. It all started to make sense because I know that I am not this bad and awful of a person.

One example I will share actually happened just last night and this morning. Last night, my wife got back from a one night conference and I picked her up (along with our three kids) and we all went out to eat at a restaurant. It is sad, but even before I picked her up, I reminded the kids to not argue, be loud or ask too many questions. I know that this triggers her pretty quickly. Then at dinner our youngest got her foot stuck in the chair (really not a big deal; did she cry, yes, but it was more drama than anything). My wife switched modes at that moment and the night was ruined. I tried to ask her a question in the car and she snapped at me again and said "this is exactly what gets us in arguments..." I then retreated and stopped talking. I then knew she had to go to Old Navy and she snapped at me for not being in the right lane to turn. Then, she snapped at me and said that "she wants to go in with only one child" to Old Navy. I acquiesced all evening after the fateful restaurant scene, but it usually only gets worse. I feel like I am literally apologizing for nothing and it actually has gotten kind of pathetic.

In the morning, I was just being nice and scratched her back and arm and she snapped at me for that. Then, she snapped at me downstairs for something to do with dinner. Her reactions are beyond extreme. I can't logically understand any of her reactions. And that is actually a calm evening. I can share hundreds of samples where she says " I am 90% good and 10% awful." The other day she told me she that " I was the most clueless human being." This was when I reached out to rub her arm during video games with our kids.

She has me on the edge at all times. I am going to keep reading these support articles and books and pray for next steps. Thanks all for your help. I just really need to process this as it is a lot.

[khibomsis]

Dear TheGuz, good to hear about the detail, it helps to give perspective. It sounds to me that you are doing your best, you are in counselling working on yourself.
What I'm hearing is that your wife is under stress, work, travelling, 3 kids, and while some of us can handle that with ease, people suffering from BPD can have very low stress tolerance. What is important at this point is that she recognizes how difficult it can be for the family and tries to get help. Is she willing get therapy and possibly a diagnosis for herself?
It looks like you handled the situation well. You tried to prepare the children, you did not respond in anger and gave her space to work herself out. Apologizing instead of defending yourself may feel pathetic but trust me, it was the best response under the circumstances. I have many times apologized for the most ridiculous things just to keep the peace. Maybe next time not eat dinner out after a long trip, but order in? That way both of you will have more control over the situation. Also maybe plan an activity with the kids beforehand so that they are tired out and not restless?
Are you able to have a conversation afterwards, when she is calm, about what happened? If she can be brought to understand that her behaviour is outside normal bounds your prospects are better, but of course one cannot have such a discussion while dysregulation is happening. And it is a long term process, please be patient about what she can understand and what she is prepared to accept. Guilt and shame are two major drivers of dysregulation so to have a conversation about it without triggering those requires endless patience on your side.
Yes, be kind to yourself. Self-care can be difficult with 3 kids but try to make time to do things which give you peace.
Feel free to process online with us. The more we understand about your situation, the better we can support you through this.
 
Khib

[jaded7]

Thank you all for the responses. It is so refreshing and good to hear about a community that supports each other. I just ordered the other suggested book and will make sure to read that as well.

Responding to one reply, I found out about this through my counselor. My wife and I went together about 3-4 times to our counselor and then I started going myself. I began tracking all of our arguments and just seeing common themes around our conflict. My counselor was very hesitant to share with me her feelings regarding why my wife was acting in this way. She then shared her thoughts and it made total sense once I started to really research it. It all started to make sense because I know that I am not this bad and awful of a person.

One example I will share actually happened just last night and this morning. Last night, my wife got back from a one night conference and I picked her up (along with our three kids) and we all went out to eat at a restaurant. It is sad, but even before I picked her up, I reminded the kids to not argue, be loud or ask too many questions. I know that this triggers her pretty quickly. Then at dinner our youngest got her foot stuck in the chair (really not a big deal; did she cry, yes, but it was more drama than anything). My wife switched modes at that moment and the night was ruined. I tried to ask her a question in the car and she snapped at me again and said "this is exactly what gets us in arguments..." I then retreated and stopped talking. I then knew she had to go to Old Navy and she snapped at me for not being in the right lane to turn. Then, she snapped at me and said that "she wants to go in with only one child" to Old Navy. I acquiesced all evening after the fateful restaurant scene, but it usually only gets worse. I feel like I am literally apologizing for nothing and it actually has gotten kind of pathetic.

In the morning, I was just being nice and scratched her back and arm and she snapped at me for that. Then, she snapped at me downstairs for something to do with dinner. Her reactions are beyond extreme. I can't logically understand any of her reactions. And that is actually a calm evening. I can share hundreds of samples where she says " I am 90% good and 10% awful." The other day she told me she that " I was the most clueless human being." This was when I reached out to rub her arm during video games with our kids.

She has me on the edge at all times. I am going to keep reading these support articles and books and pray for next steps. Thanks all for your help. I just really need to process this as it is a lot.

Guz, this sounds scarily about my relationship, even down to the gentle touching that gets snapped at and the imaginary being in the wrong lane. It's painful and pitiful.

Read my post I posted today. Believe it.

[TheGuz]

Thank you everyone for the feedback. I now have the other book, "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder," and that is helping me with my internal anxiety around this whole issue. I have began to really take the time to understand this and not blame my wife for some of what happens because it is part of her nature and of this disorder. Although I have been getting slammed left and right pretty much every day, I am finding more peace about it. I need to continue to learn strategies to spot triggers for her and find ways to avoid those and move forward in a positive manner.

Last night and this morning were once again, very erratic and she got enraged again over very innocuous, not even significant things. Last night, she fell asleep in our bed with her son and I didn't care the less. I actually fell asleep on the couch. When she finally came downstairs around 11:00 pm, I woke up. She got upset because I was dramatic when I woke up (according to her). I literally apologized upstairs for "waking up the wrong way." At this point, I was kind of internally laughing at this whole scene because of the ridiculousness of it all. I couldn't actually believe I was sorry for waking up in a way that might not have met her criteria. It's actually comical.

Then, this morning, I bring up the conversation about going to a jewelry store to fix her necklace because it is too long. I mention the word, " links" and she says, " they are not links" and gets visibly frustrated because I did not use the right nomenclature to describe the necklace. When you talk about "walking on eggshells," I am living this first hand every day, every hour and every minute. I actually told our two daughters today before my wife got home to not talk to her, engage her, or even ask her questions. Walking on Eggshells is an understatement in my life right now.

Tomorrow evening we have a date planned, and I am hoping that during that time we can connect and there is a semblance of normality because I need that bad!

[khibomsis]

Dear TheGuz, it certainly sounds like a lot to cope with! I am glad that you are finding more inner peace, as you give your soul rest you will be more able to deal with the ups and downs.

I find prayer and meditative chanting a really useful way to help bring myself into a state of calmness - if both of us are crazy at the same time it does not help.

It looks like you are doing good work on the apologies! Well done! I wanted to qualify my statement on apologies slightly, I should have said that it is important not to validate the invalid. One has to find a way to affirm her feelings of anxiety without conceding the false view of reality she holds. So phrasing is important. One can say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry the mockingbird is dead". To say "I am sorry I killed the mockingbird" would be to validate her invalid view of reality.

It sounds like she is going through very deep stresses at the moment. Are there any significant stressors in her family life or work currently that could account for the severity of dysregulations?

 On this board we have found that when the person with BPD is willing to accept the diagnosis, and is willing to enter therapy, the chances of recovery for both the person and the relationship are higher. How far is your wife along that road?

It is good that you are concerned for your daughters. It looks like your communication with them is great!  I urge you to have a surf sometime on the board where children of BPD post. It is crucial that you begin to build an awareness of the long-term effects this may have on them and take preventative measures now, maybe also providing them with counselling if necessary? I speak as a daughter of a uBPD mom when I say that I wish this board had been available when I was a child, and that my father had had access to it.

I am glad that you are managing to feel empathy! You have a lot to do and a lot to offer, especially for your children whose best chance at life lies in having at least one, if not two, sane parents. For myself what gives me patience is  thinking of what it must be like from my beloveds side. Like you, I married before I was aware of her BPD and I also feel that it is not the job of a spouse to desert a wife in her time of need. The more she begins to trust me and tell me of her past littered with broken relationships and bitterness, the more I am able to feel compassion. I think of it like being wheelchair bound or any other disability. What this approach allows me to see how lacking in compassion people can be, if it was a physical disability we would have a very clear moral position, but because it is a mental illness it becomes easier for people to treat her with disdain. I know it is hard to live with BPD and much of my self-care addresses the PTSD that we to acquire over time. Still, I have choices that she does not have and so it becomes important to choose to live with my conscience.

Well, we are each responsible for our own morality. It is not an easy stance to have compassion for beloved's disability while at the same time working on my own co-dependency issues, but it enables me to respect myself.

Best of luck for the date! I look forward to hearing how it went. There is a list of Relationship Tools at the bottom of your screen, and you might find it helpful to begin to practice them. I find it helpful to view every dysregulation as an opportunity to practice those tools. Believe, it gets easier  with time as you get better at using the tools, not just with your wife but with every person in your life.
 
 , Khib

[TheGuz]

Hi again, it is Thursday evening and it has been about three nights since my wife and I got into any conflict. Tonight, however, she reared her head again over literally nothing. I was at work this evening and she called me 6:30 to check in with me (totally normal and fine). She had her son with her and asked me what I was doing for dinner. I invited them to dinner with me at work but it was far and it was NOT a big deal at all if they didn't come. I told her as much and we hung up phones and all was good. I then texted her that I was gonna get pizza or Taco Bell (literally no big deal) and she said "Sorry" and then "Sorry" again. I was thinking, "What the hell, why is she sorry? I really don't care if she goes out to dinner with her son nor is it a big deal if she comes to dinner with me. I literally didn't care at all! So, when I get home, I ask her what's wrong and she says that I was rude in my texts to her and I felt dejected in my tone of voice. She then said her famous extreme words, " I am not going to text you anymore," once again going to the utmost extreme instead of a balanced response or a normal relational response. Why does a simple miscommunication result in a drastic, extreme pronouncement? The funny thing is this: for some reason, I feel like she has to create this conflict; it is as if she can't go more than a few days without having a sharp conflict. And then as I was trying to explain that I really didn't care and that there were no feelings of dejection, she said I am always so "defensive". She always goes here because it is her way of feeling justified and right. I am just going to continue to avoid getting in these discussions because she goes from 5 mph to 100mph in a matter of seconds. I know that she is dealing with overwhelmed emotion, but I need to try and find ways not to get myself caught in these riptides of drama, conflict and overreaction. I wonder if I should start being way more brief on the phone and have prescripted sentence starters to use that are proven and work. That way I am able to have responses that I know will yield success. It is just so draining and defeating to make progress for a few days only to see that progress turn into another fight over literally nothing.

[khibomsis]

The Guz, What you did was JADE'd. Give the JADE a miss   When she did the extreme response:" I won't text anymore", a calming response would have been to not invalidate "Ok dear".  Then validate if you can: "I am sorry you find texting so stressful".  See if you can work your way up to a hug and soothing murmurs. With luck: end of dysregulation. And next time call again rather than text, maybe? A lot of people on this board say texting is destructive, I am in two minds but it is worth noting.

Working on your listening skills, trying to "listen through the BPD" is what I call it to myself, would that be something you struggle with?. Maybe she really wanted to go out to dinner with her son but being as you were in a work situation you failed to hear it? She may have been reluctant to say so in so many words. Sometimes it helps to think about what is going on beneath the surface discussion.

Be that as it may, a huge part of surviving with BPD is situational. It is great that you have read up on the theory and know what you are dealing with. What it comes down to are the appropriate tools to deal with the everyday. Have you found the list of relationship tools, at the bottom of the home screen? The more you practice them the calmer your home will be.

What also helps is surfing the board, hearing other people's stories and relating them to yours. We learn a lot from each other working in community.

In the meantime I think three days at baseline is great! Well done! You did your best to remain patient and unstressed. Improve your acquaintance with the tools and aim for four quiet days next  

 
Khib

[TheGuz]

Hi again all. This past weekend my wife and I attended a marriage retreat and (for the most part, except one major blowup), it went pretty well. I am slowly learning that her behavior is still predictably unpredictable. On Saturday morning as we were leaving the hotel room, she got super angry because I guess I didn't offer to carry more of her stuff (I actually did offer by the way), and she then moved on to get super angry at me. She proceeded to angrily dump her purse in the car, call be a very nasty, horrible name, and then kept repeating how I married a "b@#*#", numerous times. At this point, she was beyond recovery and she was highly escalated again. Luckily, based on the content of the retreat, she was able to bounce back within a half hour and find some semblance of normality. When we are both able to get away without kids, she can find some peace (not much), but I see snippets of it.

Fast forward to today, I pick up the kids around 1:00 pm, try to stay away from home as long as I can, and then she basically turned into a monster again. She told me that she "cant stand when I bring the kids home" and then ordered me around for about two hours. She left to work, sent me a text that was apologetic, and then came back home a few hours later and began the same crazy behavior. I am getting to a point where I am going to schedule my time away from her more just so I don't have to engage in an argument, a battle or any of her behavior. Her behavior really is erratic, hyper vigilant, angry, extreme and a host of other things. I keep wishing that there is growth and health, but, honestly, I don't think she has the capacity for that due to her mental health issue of BPD. I am really questioning my role right now and am going to keep reading through this community to get help, feedback and hopefully a sense of hope.

[khibomsis]

TheGuz, it sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected. What you are going through is heartrending.

Congratulations on the counselling retreat! At this stage even one day without dysregulation is a victory. I think the fact that she managed to pull herself out of a dysregulation is great news. Can you recall what made it work that time? Because if so maybe you can repeat it. 

Your decision to schedule some time away is sound, you need to pace yourself and make sure you are not taking more than you can handle. It is unfortunate that until your wife is able to take responsibility for her disease there is not much you can do but put in place structures to support you through it.

You do not have to engage. Here is a useful link on how to slide out of arguments: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Yes, surfing the board and reading other's stories and participating in discussions will also help you feel that you are not alone.
 
I am sure you got tons of advice from the marriage counselling so will not add to it here. We are here for you.  
 
Khib

[TheGuz]

Hi all! It has been a little bit since I have posted. I am still being challenged each and every day with manifestations of BPD with my new wife. The rollercoaster keeps going and she is spiraling more and more out of control. Tonight she said she wanted to separate finances again, she wants  a post-nup now and that she  is upset about the corona virus because I was not keeping six feet away at the store. These are all the same manifestations of the extreme reactions (atypical of a response that is warranted). We went to a marriage conference, have had some good date nights, but she literally called me "nefarious" tonight, add that to the list of names she has called me this past year. I just need some more resources if anyone has some about how to navigate this without losing my mind!

[once removed]

resources are available, TheGuz. youve read two of the leading books, and gotten some good feedback here.

applying what you learn is another kettle of fish.

take this bull by the horns. right now, you are posting a couple of times a month, after each incident. you also indicate that increasingly, you are emotionally pulling away from the relationship out of self preservation.

if you want to save this relationship, i would strongly consider a more holistic approach. think of all of this as a lifestyle change, and get very serious about it.