Here’s where I stand

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

My first post was written several hours after my wife called last  Saturday morning to inform me that she had moved herself as well as our three sons out of our apartment. I had zero preparation or knowledge that this was in the works and had left me completely and utterly destabilized. This is my second post.

We had separated previously, but that was before she was diagnosed, and after a series of arguments; we were so angry with one another we did not speak for weeks, but we eventually started talking and reconciled after three months. This time around I could not tell you the last time we argued, and currently my wife has been in dbt for over a year, but has struggled with the recent death of her father (towards the end of the summer), depression, and currently adjusting her medication (scaling back on Prozac and starting Wellbutrin). Even still I did not see this coming, especially without discussing it with me first.

I’m completely in love with her still, and I’m desperate to try and work things out. Unlike last time we’ve maintained regular contact and spent a good deal of yesterday as well as today together. She doesn’t seem completely comfortable around me but aside from that we’ve been very affectionate with one another - she even napped on my shoulder for several hours today. I’ve let her know in no uncertain terms that I want to work things out with her, and she says that it doesn’t have to be permanent, but my anxiety is currently off the charts. I’ve also probably gone a little overboard talking about my shortcomings in the relationship, but she’s a bit resistant to listen to it, and says she’s not thinking any of those things.

I cannot begin to explain just how frightened I am. This woman, as well as my children, has been my entire world and my entire support network for fourteen years, and now I feel entirely adrift - my parents have passed, I’m not particularly close with my brothers, and my friends are ok, but their idea of support is “let’s go out drinking”, and that idea currently turns my stomach.

Can anyone else relate to this? Has anyone else had their world completely shaken like this? And is there hope of working things out, and if so, what tact should I take, be an open and honest blubbering mess, or try to play it cool and be strong and wait for her to turn back towards me?

Thanks for reading and as always any thoughts are appreciated.

[Jbm71]

Hi everyone,

My first post was written several hours after my wife called last  Saturday morning to inform me that she had moved herself as well as our three sons out of our apartment. I had zero preparation or knowledge that this was in the works and had left me completely and utterly destabilized. This is my second post.

We had separated previously, but that was before she was diagnosed, and after a series of arguments; we were so angry with one another we did not speak for weeks, but we eventually started talking and reconciled after three months. This time around I could not tell you the last time we argued, and currently my wife has been in dbt for over a year, but has struggled with the recent death of her father (towards the end of the summer), depression, and currently adjusting her medication (scaling back on Prozac and starting Wellbutrin). Even still I did not see this coming, especially without discussing it with me first.

I’m completely in love with her still, and I’m desperate to try and work things out. Unlike last time we’ve maintained regular contact and spent a good deal of yesterday as well as today together. She doesn’t seem completely comfortable around me but aside from that we’ve been very affectionate with one another - she even napped on my shoulder for several hours today. I’ve let her know in no uncertain terms that I want to work things out with her, and she says that it doesn’t have to be permanent, but my anxiety is currently off the charts. I’ve also probably gone a little overboard talking about my shortcomings in the relationship, but she’s a bit resistant to listen to it, and says she’s not thinking any of those things.

I cannot begin to explain just how frightened I am. This woman, as well as my children, has been my entire world and my entire support network for fourteen years, and now I feel entirely adrift - my parents have passed, I’m not particularly close with my brothers, and my friends are ok, but their idea of support is “let’s go out drinking”, and that idea currently turns my stomach.

Can anyone else relate to this? Has anyone else had their world completely shaken like this? And is there hope of working things out, and if so, what tact should I take, be an open and honest blubbering mess, or try to play it cool and be strong and wait for her to turn back towards me?

Thanks for reading and as always any thoughts are appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jaded7]

I just want to say my heart ached when I read your post. And I believe I read your first post too, was it a week or two ago?

I understand the love and the attachment...so strong. And the feeling of the world falling in. Been there. Am there right now.

Just want to say I hear you and understand. Can write more later.

[Jbm71]

Thanks for responding. It’s brutal to say the least, but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this, although I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.

[jaded7]

Just want to say that I'm 4 weeks of no contact with my gf, and I've been aching the entire time to contact here, at the same time afraid to look at my email in case she emailed me another attack at how sh**tty I am.

This summarizes things doesn't it. I'm afraid of her and her words, but I want to take care of her. But I have zero confidence that we could have a reasonable discussion about her behavior.

So I'm stuck.

As I spend more time away, the FOG clears a bit and I see that she was very emotionally and verbally and psychologically abusive. Very. Gaslighting, yelling, name calling, belittling, snapping, criticizing

[khibomsis]

Dear Jbm71,  and welcome to the family! Being ghosted is a terrible thing and I am not surprised that you are hurt and anxious.  It is good to hear you are now in contact!

It sounds like you and your wife were doing fairly well before this latest dysregulation. If she can be brought back to baseline (calm), there appears to be no reason why the situation cannot be improved. Holding her was exactly the right thing to do, continue to be strong and supportive as much as you are able.

I guess my first concern would be your sons. Have you seen them? Are they OK?

I would also wonder if anybody has checked the side effects of Wellbutrin? Detoxing from Prozac in itself is hectic, and it would not be the first time that side effects of medication tipped a person with BPD over the edge. Perhaps whoever is in charge of her prescriptions should be informed?

On the surface it looks like your wife is handling too much stress - a death of somebody close is also another of those crises which often overturns the delicate balance. I am assuming she has had grief counselling when it happened? Still, grief takes its own time to heal.

There are deeper issues which may be worth addressing, namely that it would maybe be good once you are more settled to think of building a support network outside your wife, not least for her sake? It may be stressful for her also to feel that she is your only real support. But for now, your first job is to get back to baseline. Don't JADE, don't be invalidating, validate what you can and give her space if she needs it. I hope you are familiar with these tools?

If you get the opportunity to hold her so much the better

Let us know how it goes, the present is dire but there is hope.
 
Khib 

[Jbm71]

Thank you, Khib!

Such a wonderful and thoughtful post, and it is exactly what I needed to hear/read.

The boys seem to be ok, but they are no doubt confused. When she dropped them off earlier before she went to work she told me that she was emotionally exhausted and that it was such a huge undertaking that she wasn’t prepared to deal with ending it just yet, but she couldn’t remember why she did it in the first place. So, I’m definitely hopeful.

We are having dinner all together in our home later this evening and then they’ll head back to this new apartment. I’m going to reread your post beforehand and hopefully hit all the right notes.

Thanks again!

[khibomsis]

Jbm71, you are welcome! It sounds like you are people are doing as well as can be expected. It has been a huge shock for everyone and no doubt you all will be emotionally exhausted for some time to come. It is good news that your wife is communicative and open, it bodes well for your future.

 
Khib

[Jbm71]

Hi,

Thanks again for everyone’s thoughts and words of support.  It helped me tremendously.

So I’ve been in regular contact with my wife. We’re very affectionate physically as well as verbally, and we had a very pleasant evening last night, but I have a really hard time when they leave, and I kind of fall to pieces. I think I’m being too pushy trying to get us all back under the same roof ASAP. She says her goal is to have us all back under the same roof, but refuses to promise. She said she finds it somewhat invalidating to turn around and reverse course after putting so much time, effort, and money into it, and not dealt with the underlying issues, which I can totally respect. She said we should set a timetable of a month to see where we stand, but to be in contact as much as necessary, and support one another. I said she could have as much time as she needed if I could believe her, and she said she would never lie or be capricious about something of this magnitude.

So, considering just how blindsided I was by all of this, and just how destabilized I’m currently feeling, what would your advice be for me; do i play it cool, and not push for constant reassurance? Or do I just be completely open and honest and express how I’m struggling and risk coming across as needy?

I have a scheduled intake session for Monday to a therapy program, and I’m attending a “managing bpd in relationships” event Monday evening, so I’m fully committed to working on myself but right now I’m definitely struggling to find any hope in this situation.

Thanks again, everyone! I really appreciate all the help and support!

[Harri]

Hi jbm!

So, considering just how blindsided I was by all of this, and just how destabilized I’m currently feeling, what would your advice be for me; do i play it cool, and not push for constant reassurance? Or do I just be completely open and honest and express how I’m struggling and risk coming across as needy?

I would not push for reassurance or talk about how tough this is on you.  Give her space and be strong.  Listen, validate, and take time for you to build yourself up along with a support network.  Khib said it well that she may feel overwhelmed knowing she is your only support.   Coming across as needy is not going to work in your favor.  I don't say that to put you down.  I do think it is important to build up your own strength, work on the areas that cause you to need all of this reassurance.

What sort of therapy will you be starting?

[khibomsis]

Jbm, you're doing great. You've organized therapy, connected with your sons and started acting like you are a family again, albeit one going through tough times. Fake it till you make it, Harri is quite right on the need for you to be strong right now.

I'm in an LDR and have developed techniques to deal with that sickening thud of the heart when the phone clicks off. Put on the radio, play some music, read a book. Call a friend, not for anything deep, just small talk is more than sufficient to bridge the gap. Time to practice all those pleasures you are never able to do with small children.

And surf the board! Way better than ruminating anytime 

  
Khib

[Jbm71]

Thanks everyone,

Such great and thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it, and I’m going to try and put it into practice.

I’m starting CBT in an effort to stem my overwhelming anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD. I can see how invalidating I can be when I’m stuck in an OCD loop - total communication breakdown.

I’m trying to play it cool with the reassurance, but my anxiety tells me that the moment she thinks I’m ok with all this, is the moment she’s going to obliterate me.

Lastly I’m concerned about her current state of mind. We had a very pleasant afternoon yesterday, but at some point she suffered a mood swing, and just seems somewhat  depressed, a bit frail, and generally just stretched a little too thin  -  I suppose a lot of this is to be expected, but how do I gently check in to see how she’s doing without invalidating her decision to do this in the first place, and not appear as though I’m trying to poke holes in her psyche?

Thanks so much! You’ve all been absolutely invaluable!

[khibomsis]

Dear Jbm71, you are doing a great job in dealing with your issues. 

Is your diagnosis a recent one? I am trying to understand if there is any connection to your wife's recent stresses.

I find that meditation is a great help in dealing with my chronic anxiety. I dealt with it for over thirty years before I found this method, including therapy. I wish I had known about it long ago.

As for what you should be communicating with your wife, I would suggest that when she is able you have a talk about communication generally. PwBPD can easily feel overwhelmed, so it is important to phrase the question in a way that it does not feel too big. Your concern is natural, but would she wish you to call her? Would she be ok to check in with you once a day, maybe just a simple text, to let you know she is all right? This would have to be up to her.

In the meantime maybe offer to take as much of the child care as you can off her hands, to give her more space to recover? This is a practical way to transform your anxiety into something that can be of help to both of you.
 
Khib 

[Jbm71]

As always thanks so much for reading and for all the thoughtful and truly helpful advice. It’s really helped!

So, the latest in the ongoing saga is I had my intake visit to a cbt program run by a local university and despite it not being a full fledged therapy visit I unloaded a ton of baggage. Everything just came pouring out, and afterwards I felt numb and a little exhausted (it took about 2.5 hours).

My dBPDw checked in towards the end and was really surprised how long it took. If I wasn’t second guessing anything and everything right now I would think she was a little threatened by it. For me personally this appointment was very needed and I’m optimistic it can be of great help to me.

I did, however, make the mistake of telling my wife early in the day that I was trying to “woo” her, and this made her very uncomfortable. She said she’s looking for emotional autonomy and that she depends upon me for too much, and that she doesn’t need to be woo’d. At the same time, after the appointment,  she seemed to start reaching out across text and Instagram to see if I’m still as emotionally invested in her; I got random “I love you sweetie” texts and many heart emoji (❤️) messages on IG... To say that I’m confused would be a huge understatement - in my mind that feels a little like woo-ing, no?

Lastly on the counseling front she has asked that she be the one to research a good fit,  and considering her experience with couples counseling (she was married twice before me) I’m totally fine with that except that she hadn’t done it yet, and my insecurity is screaming, “BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T WANT TOO!” I told her if it’s too soon I would understand, but she quickly tells me “no no, I’m getting on it. I just really want to make sure we find the right one”. I’m trying to avoid pressuring her on it, but I’m so antsy to get things moving in a positive direction.

As for my own mental health my diagnosis’s are nothing new. I’ve been dealing with anxiety/ocd/panic disorder for well over 20 years (long before I met my wife) and it has negatively affected my relationships, but whereas historically I’ve been able to weather the storm these recent events have honestly brought me to levels of anxiety I honestly did not know existed within myself.

[khibomsis]

Dear JBM71, it is totally understandable that your anxiety is at record levels. Your wife did what she did and told you afterwards. It is a huge breach of trust and naturally you are going to be rocked to your core. I feel for you as you go through this.

All the same, you are surviving each day, both of you have reached out for support and are sparing no effort. It is just over ten days since it hit and the pain will ease with time and lots of emotional work.

I see nothing sinister in "I love you" texts. That your wife is able to feel anything at this time is a blessing. Smile and say "I love you" right back, it is your opportunity to reach her through the dysregulation and you should take every one. You are right to be cautious in escalating the wooing beyond that level (well done in preparing her for the course of action you are taking!) but holding steady and being consistent will do a world of good. Should she start to withdraw again then follow her lead with no hard feelings. The love will be there for her to come back to when she is ready.  

It is good for you to focus on self as far as you are able. But another reason why we advise it on this board is because it does indeed tend to pull your loved one with BPD right back to you. She will worry about you getting an independent emotional life because it is a change from the enmeshment you have both been living in. When you pull back she will chase, when you push she will run. It is up to you to be steady and  consistent and release yourself from the dance of BPD.

Therapy will help you both with the change.  For this reason I would advise avoiding by any means allowing the couple counselling to become a source of conflict. When, where, how, whom; if she is able to take responsibility for these things, let her, and compromise administrative details as far as you reasonably can. Do not stress her about it if you can help it. Anything that  makes her feel safe increases your chances of success. As you rebuild communication trust will come.

I am relieved that your troubles have not been a proximate cause of your wife's breakdown, and so very, very sorry that you have had to deal with them for so long! I am sure the CBT will help. In the meantime, if it may be of use: what I do is adopt a meditative stance, become aware of my breathing and allow the feelings to flow through me, I observe them but don't allow them to overwhelm. To be frank I set my need for control to controlling my need for control - the irresistable force meets the immovable object and I let them slug it out until exhaustion. It works  

In all you and your family are doing great under the circumstances and perhaps with hindsight you may come to see this as a blessing in disguise. Your wife gave you both the opportunity to change, and you are certainly grasping it with both hands. You are on the right road to end your suffering of 20 years and lead a more authentic life.

 
KHib

[Jbm71]

Thank you so much, KHib!

Your posts have been more helpful than you could possibly know.

I am trying to practice self care, and not dwell on apocalyptic future scenarios, but that is easier said than done.

And for what it’s worth I do think my own issues definitely played a large part in this current break. My wife has dealt with the death of her father, creative disappointments, depression, and changes to her medication, and instead of feeling empathy and offering support I resorted to behaving the way I did as a child suffering through my own trauma - I became sullen and withdrew physically in a completely dishonest way. I wanted to be physical and loving more than anything, but didn’t communicate that at all, and projected my own feelings of rejection on to her.

It’s funny how my wife has mentioned wanting to be our “authentic selves”, and I can tell she doesn’t fully trust the sweetness that’s been pouring from me over the past two weeks, but little does she know that this is my authentic self. I want nothing more than to be close, loving, and supportive.

One other thing I would like to mention is an observation I’ve made over the last few months; my wife is a writer, and a very good writer with meticulous grammar, and we text a lot. From what I can tell at the outset of this current split her texting, and specifically the use of grammar, and formatting became very haphazard. Whereas before they were always perfectly composed they were now littered with floating commas, extra spaces, and just generally poor syntax. I took this to mean she just doesn’t care about texting you anymore and I responded with my own purposively wonky texts (horrible idea, I know), but lately now that communication is flowing a bit better her texts to me are starting to resemble the pre split variety. I may be reading way too much into this but I’ve definitely thought of this as a move in the right direction.

Anyway, tonight we will all have dinner together and hopefully I will not fall to pieces, and I will absolutely try to heed your advice, and try not to push.

Thanks again!

Sorry I accidentally posted this on one of the other threads I started. Please disregard if redundant.