My sister has undiagnosed BPD

[karingb00]

Hi,

I think my sister has BPD. Just last week everything was fine and a few days ago she just turned me and my mom into her enemy. She was crying and raging to my mom that no one cares about her and that I'm my mother's favorite. She accused all of the "bad" in her life on us. As for me, she acts as if I don't exist. I don't know what triggered this change. I always assumed that she was bipolar but after researching, I think my experiences with her are more consistent with BPD.

As a child my sister would bad mouth me to her friends and people from our church, and in the next moment say how much she loves me. Around 6-7 years old she even smashed me and cousin's heads together and we both lost consciousness. I've brought it up to her as an adult and she says she doesn't remember. She always takes the victim role in every situation and has a very hard time seeing her own wrongs. She blames me for our relationship being distant but any time I talk to her she begins to tell me how much worse her life is. Our entire household walked on eggshells around her even my aunt and uncle. Everyone was so aware that something was off but no one ever addressed it. Now she has kids and I am so worried for my nieces, I'm afraid that whatever illness she has will have a negative effect on them. I'm 24 and my sister is 32 and I have always been her target. Our father left when I was a few months old so I understand her fear of abandonment but I can't help but think that she believes I'm to blame for him leaving.

Growing up with her has caused me a lot of hurt as an adult. As a child, I dealt with it and never spoke to anyone about home life but now that we live together again I realize I can't deal with it anymore. I've decided to get therapy and I hope chatting on here helps because I feel like no one understands.

[Panda39]

Hi kargingb00,

Welcome to the site    You are not alone your story sounds familiar.  I was amazed when I first arrived here how much we all have in common.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much...all I can say about the cousin story is wow!  

Therapy is a wonderful idea it's a great place to get support and so is this site, support is a key tool to have in your toolbelt when dealing with a person with BPD/BPD Traits.

It sounds like you are living with your sister, who else is in the household?  Your mom, your sister's kids?  Just trying to get a feel for your situation.

What are you having the most difficult time with in terms of your sister?  

Take Care,
Panda39

[karingb00]

Hi Panda39,

Thank you! and yes I live with my sister, mom, and niece. My sister is currently 5 months pregnant with my other niece.

I guess the part I have the most trouble dealing with is the feeling of "walking on eggshells". It makes it hard to even be home. I've only moved back home temporarily as I finish my post baccalaureate studies but even though I know Im not here for a long time I still can't take it. Also, the constant bashing me to others is beginning to bother me more than usual.

I've also been trying to get my mom to convince her to go to therapy but my mom also tiptoes around my sisters feelings to avoid angering her.

By the way, thanks replying! 
Karingb00

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

I guess the part I have the most trouble dealing with is the feeling of "walking on eggshells".

Yeah, I hate those little shells, they hurt. 

Rather than walking on eggshells, we can change the way we interact, respond and even think about our pwBPD (person with BPD).   We talk about tools and coping strategies here that can help us not be so damaged and stressed by their behaviors and our own reactions.

Walking on eggshells is often the fasted way to get or attempt to get things more calm.  The problem is, it often does not work or it just reinforces the behaviors and we end up dealing with it further on down the road anyway.

What do you do or say when she begins to dysregulate or act out?  Can you give us an example and include details of what she says and does and what you say and do?  That will help us guide you better.

Hope to hear more from you soon. 

Again

[karingb00]

Hello Harri!

What do you do or say when she begins to dysregulate or act out?  Can you give us an example and include details of what she says and does and what you say and do?  That will help us guide you better.

An example would be a time when my sister had just gotten out of shower and she just stood in her room and stared into space for a little. I asked if she was okay and she started to scream. Obviously her reaction caught me off guard and I was asking if I had done something to upset her and she yelled " you're the reason I'm not in school", " I do so much for this family", "everyone disrespects me, Im constantly holding back how I feel but everyone has hurt me". And I walked away. tbh she's convinced that the things she's saying is true but they aren't. At the time she had just been dropped from her university a few months prior and had to move back home. I understood that she was depressed and maybe didn't know how to cope with the change but her reaction seemed like too much.

All in all, her outbursts are almost random. Maybe I just don't see it but I rarely notice what causes her to lash out when she does. But when it does happen she blames me and my mom for everything and I walk away.

[Thanks]

Would you maybe want to move out right now? There has got to be another place you can stay - with a friend, or share a house/rent an affordable room on craigslist or something? It would be so much better for you and a great example/feedback for your mother. And you could still be a loving aunt to your niece. This is the perfect time to break away from your sister's abuse. A therapist could help you think it through and make it happen.

[Harri]

Hi and thanks for answering.

When she rages like that I can certainly understand walking away.  There is little you can say or do to resolve her emotions for her.  She needs to learn to do that on her own.  You can, if you choose to listen with empathy, though that can be a tall order for a lot of us, especially when first learning about BPD or working on recovery. 

Are you familiar with Don't JADE?  It is one of the tools we talk about here and this is the one I found the 'easiest' to do at first.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  A lot of our instincts will drive us to do those things when accused of things like your sister said to you.  Not JADEing will help the both of you.  For her, when we JADE, it can be invalidating to her feelings.  Even if the facts of what she says are wrong and distorted, her feelings are real to her.  So trying to justify, argue, defend and explain can just increase her anger and dysregulation.

More importantly, IMO, JADEing does us not favors either.  Not only does it usually result in more anger from the upset person, it also keeps us in the emotional soup and takes away our piece of mind and for me anyway, led to a lot of my own upset and in my own head I would have conversations with myself that just riled me up even more.  Keeping Don'g JADE in mind helped me to emotionally detach so I could choose my response rather than react (even if my response was to walk away).

What do you think?  Would that help you as a starting point?

[Methuen]

Welcome karingb00

Now she has kids and I am so worried for my nieces, I'm afraid that whatever illness she has will have a negative effect on them.

Anything is possible.  You know what it was like growing up with her.  However, I want to give you some hope, and perhaps help you discover a pause button for your anxiety.

On this site, and on this board, many of us have grown up with or spent a significant amount of our lifetime with BPD's.  Despite this, we are good people.  I am amazed by the strength and quality of people on this board.  So kind, so thoughtful, so informed, so empathetic, and so helpful.  Yes, we have significant challenges in our life, but sometimes those challenges help us build resilience.   That is the hopeful thought I am offering you.  Life has silver linings, so maybe focus on that when thinking about your nieces/nephews, instead of only the negative stuff?

As for worrying about the "negative effect she can have on her kids",  that is outside of your control right?  In my first meeting with my new therapist last fall, she told me that worrying about the future causes anxiety, and thinking about the past causes depression.  Neither is helpful, and both take away from our quality of life.  Better to live in the present (i.e. "mindfulness").

I've decided to get therapy and I hope chatting on here helps because I feel like no one understands.

Getting T is a great decision.  I have a great T, and it has made a huge difference in my ability to cope with my uBPD mom.  Also, this board has been life changing for me, because instead of feeling trapped by mom, and that I was the problem (which uBPD mom projected onto me), I now know I am the solution (because I have the power to change how I respond to her).  The change was possible because I now have a BPDfamily/community which is informed and helpful when it comes to navigating the challenges of having a BPD SO. It has given me new and concrete communication tools which work.  I use them every time I see mom.  I am moving on with my life.  It's not easy, and uBPD mom will always cause or create new drama to attempt to complicate my life.  But I am so much better at using my these tools to not get sucked into that black hole of drama/chaos.  There is no question that my life is better with these new BPD friendly communication tools (eg. SET, no JADEing, using validating questions, boundaries), and with this bpdfamily board, than it was before...

Start by looking after yourself.  Also, do you have some space for yourself physically (do you have a quiet private space at home to work on your studies where no one bothers you) and emotionally (do what you have to do to feel safe, and free to be yourself and exercise your own values).