New here Pending divorce and custody battle with a BPD STBX

[Jeronimo]

I am new here and would like to share and get some feedback.
I am an ER doctor and STBX is an ICU nurse.  9 weeks ago she took the kids to her dad's 5 hours away because I chose not to have a conversation with her in front of our small kids.  The reason for this on my part was because my attempt the day prior ended with me being called a "pathetic father" in front our kids, and my STBX telling my 3 year old not to "marry a guy like your father when you grow up."   I have been doing well in the past couple of months avoiding her provocations.  I decided to leave and then block her number while I was working because the harassment continued.  
She however, likely on advise from her dad, took out a protective order against me before leaving, despite the fact that she attempted to apologize in her usual ineffective way, 2 hours prior to that action.
It has been 9 weeks since I have seen my kids but have been keeping up with them through video chats almost daily.  We had a final hearing yesterday and I now get every other weekend with the kids starting next week.  I filed for divorce after she left as this was my last straw, however, after my lawyer's lack of aggressiveness in getting me more time, I am looking for a different lawyer.  She travels for work every weekend from her dad's house in a different state, 5 hours away.  She leaves the kids with her dad and stepmom even on weekends that I have been available.  The minimum of what I asking for is at least every weekend, especially after 9 weeks have been unjustly taken from me.  I was really disappointed with the courts yesterday.  
I am hoping that a new lawyer can at least get me every weekend and eventually 50-50 custody.
We were ordered mediation yesterday, but my STBX if not just the mediation type. I remember a time in the past when I pointed out to her that something in our relationship wasn't fair, and she replied "well, life isn't fair."  I'm learning life with someone is BPD is and will never be fair.

[livednlearned]

Oof, being disparaged like that in front of your kids is tough on its own. What followed, with the PO and then temporary custody is certainly pain multiplied.

Was she successful in getting the PO? Sometimes I think the courts grant them just to try and cool everything down. But still, it's a sign that she is willing to use the legal system. What reason did she give for the PO?

It might help us to understand more about nature of the PO and what your lawyer was trying to work with. As crappy as it is, there may be no getting back those 9 weeks. Courts are pretty accustomed to seeing red hot emotions in the early stages of divorce and might even believe that the cooling off period was good for both sides, which they then believe is best for the kids. If it's any consolation, my first swipe at custody was not ideal. That's probably true for most of us here. Court tends to start their watch once the first order is entered, so what you document now will mean more, if that makes sense.

Do you have specific concerns about her parenting?

Meanwhile, I'm glad you found the site. There's a lot of collective wisdom here about how manage the double whammy of court and BPD.

[ForeverDad]

I am an ER doctor and STBX is an ICU nurse...
I am hoping that a new lawyer can at least get me every weekend and eventually 50-50 custody.

Courts almost always order alternate weekends for the non-primary parent in a temp order.  (Some states are more willing to start with 50/50 in recent years.)  I had that for two years during my separation and divorce process.  No one including my lawyer seemed motivated to change that because it was only "temporary".  Problem is, our cases take much longer to get to the final decree.  So best to obtain the "least unfavorable" temp order.

Judges will make an exception if someone is a doctor, nurse, fireman, paramedic, etc who has to work regular weekends.  If you are available on weekends while stbEx is working then that is a good argument to present to the court.  What you may be looking for is some sort of Right of First Refusal clause in your order where you get first option to parent if your stbEx is working.

Be aware that she will certainly try to weasel out of any reasonable terms.  If it says you get the kids rather than grandparents or daycare if she works the weekend, then she'll claim she only works one day on the weekend.  Or if you set the limit at any weekend over 7 hours then she'll claim her shift is only 6 hours.

We were ordered mediation yesterday, but my STBX if not just the mediation type.

Courts almost always order mediation as the first step after setting a temporary order.  For us, it often fails because the stbEx feels so entitled so early in the case.  The experience here is to try mediation but once it becomes clear the stbEx isn't really negotiating then declare it failed.  Mediation is NOT the place where your stbEx sets the terms and you have to acquiesce.

Some states allow partial success to be reported to the court.  Other states have mediation a black box for all or nothing results.  Do you have an experienced proactive lawyer?  Our best handbook for court is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One last thought.  She moved away some 5 hours.  Federal law which states abide by is that a parent who moved away has to reside in that new state for at least 6 months before filing a custodial case there.  Otherwise the residency is still back in the prior residence area.  That would probably be in your favor?  (If still the same state then you'd need a lawyer to advise whether her moving away intrastate puts you at an advantage.)

[Jeronimo]

Wow, I really appreciate everyone's input.  This is my first time doing any kind of support group and it reassuring to know I'm not alone.  She justified the PO by putting down "yelling on front of kids and loud arguments," even though she was the perpetrator.  She also alleged that she was afraid me and my family will inflict bodily harm on her, this I guess because of an argument between her and my brother that escalated to yelling.  I was expecting a hearing or giving of facts, because I have been keeping a journal now for 6 months, and I have text messages since last year that detail the direction of aggression.  That information was not a factor in the PO hearing.  Our lawyers were told to come up with a consent, and they came up with the custody arrangement she offered.  I was hoping my lawyer would advocate for more time.  She went on what seemed like a victory lap texting spree after the PO hearing.  A lot of it was projection so I ignored.  I asked her again if we could start my weekends this weekend, as I am already off every other weekend using this schedule.  I was even okay starting in 2 weeks so that I can keep the visitations on that schedule.  She stated that it was her weekend and I'll have to wait until 3 weeks if I couldn't alter my schedule.  Fortunately, I was able with the help of very accommodating co-workers, switch 4 weekend ER shifts, which is hard to do.
It all feels very punitive.  I guess I brought the escalation on myself when I told her last year that her ability to hurt me emotionally was waning. 
I am actually pretty excite about reuniting with the kiddos next weekend. 
Any thoughts on changing the locks in the house so that she doesn't have unannounced access?

[GaGrl]

If she is truly out (and it sounds as if she is), yes -- it's time to change the locks.

Considerations -- check with your lawyer on stage lae. If her name remains on the lease for mortgage or security deed, you may not be able to change locks without something from her confirming she is no longer resident at the corresponding divorce settlement.

You might want to use Google calendar (or other program) to lay out a 90 day calendar that you can confirm with her on a month by month basis -- "Here is the current schedule for June. If I don't hear from you by Sunday evening, May 34, I will consider this the finalized schedule." There will be months that you have to change weeks due to Mother's or Father'Days, alternating holidays, birthdays, etc. It's better to pay those out n advance.

[livednlearned]

I would change the locks and maybe install ring doorbell or something similar.

What is laid out in the PO? Some of them work in both directions, altho it sounds like she is able to drop the kids off at your place?