Parents threatening to move closer to me

[whereishere]

Hello,

Just got the idea that there might be online communities out there for what I'm going through.

I have been low contact with my mom who has not been diagnosed but I am pretty sure has BPD. I'm in my 30s and living in a different part of the country to limit contact and have set a boundary around only talking on the phone every 1-2 weeks and for a short period of time. I hate the phone calls, but I'm scared of what would happen if I go any more no contact, as my extended family are on my mom's side and would all contact me to tell me about what a horrible daughter I am. I also would not put it past her to travel here and show up unannounced. These phone calls are mostly my mom complaining about why I don't visit more often, why I don't call my grandmas more and sharing stories of her all her friends treat her badly.

My parents visit once or twice a year and I used to visit once a year, but I'm trying to phase that out as well. When I visit, I rarely get any sleep since my parents keep the tv on all night and the tiny fold-out couch hurts my back and is not big enough for my husband and me. I have brought this up, but they will not make changes unless I agree to visit 2-3 times a year, and my mom has thrown a tantrum when I offered to stay in a hotel. I usually also have a secret visit to my hometown to visit my friends, as otherwise, my mom throws a fit for me not spending every second with her.

They are getting older and progressively have been telling me about their plans to move near me when they retire, which I obviously don't want. My mom says it all the time and asks me what I think, in a way that makes me think she knows I don't want that. I don't think I can make them not move here, but is there anything I can do at this point? I am anxious that legal action will have to be taken when they arrive because my mom would likely visit every day. I've been having nightmares about them moving here. Can I do something pre-emptively? If they do move here after retirement and start coming by unannounced, is there any legal action I can take? Call the cops? etc.

[Spindle0516]

Hi Whereishere! 

I understand wanting to ensure that you have space carved out for just you and your husband and how scary it feels to have them possibly move closer.

My MIL lived with us for 3 years- we didn't learn about BPD until the end of last year and it helped explain so many of the challenges we faced. She literally just moved out this week, and we are still in the midst of a huge transition, but for a long time, I didn't think such a move would be possible.

It sounds like you have already done a wonderful job of implementing some boundaries to protect yourself. I have learned so much here and have come to realize that a lot of the changes that can benefit our lives do not come from the person with BPD, but with changing how we respond and interact with our BPD's.

In terms of what you would do if they moved there, there are many of us here dealing with a parent, and I am sure you are not the first person to deal with unannounced visits. There are so many resources on this site, so look around, and I am sure more people will respond with ideas on how to navigate that situation.

Just wanted to say hi and that you are not alone!