Hopeless about my future

[overpack]

Hello,

I'm looking for some advice, support, ideas, anything... I'm feeling absolutely hopeless today thinking about my future.

I live with my BPD mother because she has some health issues and sometimes she may need my help, although most of the time she can be quite independent. She's very nasty to me and manipulative at times, and when I imagine my whole life living just with her and losing my relationship with my boyfriend (who lives far away and I can't visit when I have holidays, we only meet when he's on holidays and he comes to visit) because I have to stay with her, undergoing her constant humiliations and manipulations, I can only feel more desperate and depressed.

Thank you in advance for your comments.

[overpack]

I sometimes feel like running away and abandoning her but that would make me feel guilty because I know she's got a mental disorder.

[Methuen]

Hi Overpack

How old is your mom?

What are her health issues, and what kind of "help" does she "need" from you?

Is the "help" she gets from you, help she could get from friends, neighbours, or health support workers?

Is she financially stable?

We're glad you're here.  If you are ok to share a few more details, we may be able to suggest some alternatives, so you can start to work towards not feeling so trapped, right?

[overpack]

Thank you for your reply.

She's 70. She has no friends, and little contact with neighbors.

She's got depression, vertigo that doesn't allow her to get up for many hours, because of this she's scared of staying alone, among other minor illnesses. She's financially stable. The place where I live is really small and to everyone she looks like a loving person and never shows her true self to other people. Only I know she has BPD, which took me a really long time to find out.

[overpack]

Basically the help I provide is taking her for shopping which actually she could do herself or being her nurse when she's in bed. It doesn't happen very often but it may happen and then she's not able to get up.

When I planned a trip she suddenly became very sick and started acting really weird, not sure if it was manipulation or the fear of abandonment made her feel sick. I decided to cancel and she became better after a couple of days.

I feel resentful towards her because of all the manipulations and abuse I have suffered all my life not being aware of it because I had no clue about her BPD.

[Methuen]

She's got depression, vertigo that doesn't allow her to get up for many hours, because of this she's scared of staying alone, among other minor illnesses. She's financially stable. The place where I live is really small and to everyone she looks like a loving person and never shows her true self to other people. Only I know she has BPD, which took me a really long time to find out.

Does she walk unaided? (without cane or walker?)

When she goes to Dr appointments, does she go alone into the consultation room, or do you go in with her?

Is she treated with antidepressant for the depression? 
(My mom is on antidepressants.)

As for the Vertigo, my mom has had Meniere's disease her whole life.  I have BPPV, so I am familiar with Vertigo.  

When my mom has a Vertigo episode, she handles it on her own.  She keeps her Vertigo med beside her bed, and when she wakes up with a Vertigo attack, she takes something (it's strong) and waits for the med to work before she tries getting out of bed.  My mom is 83 with uBPD, and still lives independently.  If it's a lengthier episode, I may have to visit and do some supportive stuff, but there is no way I could live with my mom.  No way.  Never gonna happen.

Now that your mom is used to living with you, it would be a bigger challenge to change that arrangement.  But there are ways it could be done if that is what you want.  There are others on this board with more experience than me who have actually made that happen.

Do you want to keep care-taking your mom in your home, or do you want your own space?

When I planned a trip she suddenly became very sick and started acting really weird, not sure if it was manipulation or the fear of abandonment made her feel sick. I decided to cancel and she became better after a couple of days.

OK, this is classic fear of abandonment at work.  She behaved in a way to manipulate you and make you feel guilty, and she got the exact result she wanted.  She learned it worked to do that.  So she will do this again because it worked before.  I would say, plan your next trip.  When she does it again, go on your trip.  I absolutely love what someone on this board said, that "the BPD would land on their feet, like a cat".  

We planned a trip out of country with our adult children almost two years ago.  The four of us schemed for months how to tell her.  Her "golden" grandson volunteered to do the telling, with all four of us present.  She responded with disbelief that we would go away saying "I could die while you are gone!"

We went away on the trip of a lifetime.  We had so much fun together!  And guess what.  Mom was fine.  She didn't die.

We went away this past Christmas with our adult children again, and she did not make such a big fuss that time. She knew we were going to go.

Go ahead and live your life.  It's not only OK to do that, it's what you should do.

[Turkish]

I'd try this small, like, "Mom, I'm going to the coast (or wherever)  fir two days.  See you Monday." And leave. If she's really kind of independent, then she'll be ok.  It sounds like she's kind of ok. If she's really not, contact APS. I was afraid of doing so, but I found that the social worker was surprisingly sympathetic to me while at the same time for my mom.  It's very stressful to feel trapped as you sound like you feel. 

[overpack]

She can walk on her own, she can go to Dr. appointments on her own as well, and she's taking antidepressants among other meds for her other illnesses, although she has no meds for vertigo, I had no idea there are meds for that. I don't know if she has ever asked her doctor about meds for vertigo. That's interesting to know.

I have decided to spend less time at home for now, and try to do all my work outside, I need to find a place, maybe the library. This will cause a major drama but I have to figure out something. I'm very confused and trapped, I feel enmeshed and I can't see a way out.

Thank you for your support.

[overpack]

I'd try this small, like, "Mom, I'm going to the coast (or wherever)  fir two days.  See you Monday." And leave. If she's really kind of independent, then she'll be ok.  It sounds like she's kind of ok. If she's really not, contact APS. I was afraid of doing so, but I found that the social worker was surprisingly sympathetic to me while at the same time for my mom.  It's very stressful to feel trapped as you sound like you feel. 

It is a very small place where I live and I wouldn’t like to ask for the help of a social worker. My mother has never been diagnosed and I fear that nobody will believe me. Where I live people in general don’t know about BPD.

[TelHill]

Hi overpack,

My dBPDm and enabler dad are older than your mom, but can manage most things on their own.  They want my company since they have had difficulty making friends ever since I can remember.  I believe that’s why they want me to live with them.

Take a look at the tips and tools at this website, especially the part about Fear, Obligation & Guilt (FOG). I manage to not make decisions regarding them based on these, but I tend to slip back quite easily if not careful.

[Spindle0516]

Overpack- hi! Sorry that it took so long to reply to this, but you are certainly not alone! 

My MIL lived with my husband and I for 3 1/2 years, and we are actually in the midst of moving her out.

She initially moved in with us because she was having a lot of health issues. She had breathing problems, was on oxygen, couldn't walk to the end of her driveway, had severe coughing attacks that left her throwing up, chronic pain. The list went on.

A lot of these issues started after my husband (I didnt know him then) moved awy. Despite loving his new home, after about a year and a half, he moved back home to help her. She had many doctors appointments, doctors were considering lung cancer at the time, and needed support.

I am not sure if her symptoms presented as a result of him moving, but they definately persisted as a result of him being there. She had been exposed to black mold and I now think her symptoms were a result of this. (My own personal theory- not confirmed) He stayed because she was sick so I really think that in her eyes, it was in her best interest to not get better.

When my husband and I moved in together, she moved in too. At the time, we thought she couldn't survive without our support. We now know this is not the case.

Anyway, the longer she stayed with us, the more dependent she became and it was suffocating. We felt limited in the time we could spend together and we felt guilty leaving the house or making plans without her. She also has severe depression and anxiety and we became her lifeline. She couldn't do anything without us- even taking the laundry or running to the corner market.

She did similar things to what you described. She would become ill anytime we prepared to go away or anytime she was going to have to do anything uncomfortable. Anytime one of us looked forward to having the apartment to ourselves, she would suddenly be unable to leave.

We eventually realized that we couldn't let her dictate our life. We took steps to ensure she would be okay if we went away and eventually made arrangements to have her move out.

If she needs further support, we have plans to utilize a home health aid through her insurance to assist her further.

We are still a part of her life, but we have decided that we cannot be the first line of defense in her own home. She clings too much to us and it is not healthy.

This site has really helped me see that I am not alone and that there are resources and tools that I can utilize to carve out space for just me and my husband. I feel like we can breathe again! You are definately not alone and there is hope of finding time and planning a future for just you!

[BeARiver]

Oh my god. Get out, get out, get out! Sorry - knee jerk reaction there. I nearly had a panic attack just reading your situation. I feel for you. Look, this is your life. My mom is old and sick with a million health issues. BPD, NPD, diabetes, depression, anxiety, etc. She takes meds but doesn't really take care of herself. She is financially OK as well. I fell back into the role of helping her but now am going NC again. These are toxic people that will suck your will to live if we let them. If your mom is financially stable, then she can hire someone to help her. My mom can't get to the grocery store easily now, so I set her up with Amazon Fresh for grocery delivery. She uses it all the time. You are not responsible for her, my friend. She is not your burden to bear. Life is short. It sounds like she can manage on her own. You can let her do it on her own. You can have your own place. You can have your own life. You can even have a life without her if you want. Your involvement with her is up to you. You have the power. She may think she does, but she doesn't. Maybe you could start slowly, by setting her up with grocery delivery, talking to people about in home assistance and cost, etc. Put together a picture of how this could work if you take yourself out of the equation. They DO land on their feet. They act like they'll die if you leave, but the threats are just manipulation and they will survive without you. Think about you, and your boyfriend. What would it look like if she managed on her own, and maybe (I don't know if this is possible) you could move to where your boyfriend is? You are entitled to that. I went NC when i was 30 and moved 3 hours away to live with my boyfriend at the time. It was amazing. I finally had MY life. And she survived! You deserve a life of your own. She is NOT your dependent. YOU are important and so is your happiness. I think if you can make sure she is set up to function without you and you feel comfortable with the logistics of it, then you can look at stepping away and feeling less guilty about it. Maybe write up a step by step plan and take action. We are all here for you. This is SO hard to do, but it is worth doing.