What made you accept your family member with BPD as he/she is?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was raised by a mother with BPD. I have two siblings with BPD. I endured abuse from all of them for most of my life hoping one day that they would love and respect me. I went to several years of therapy after my mother abused my dying brother, and our relationship was changed forever. I accepted that mom would never change. My siblings have done many cruel things to me and it is their denying my getting any of mom's things that is the last straw, and I finally realize that my brother and sister only wish the worst for me. I am feeling mostly relieved now that I am accepting my sibIings for who they are and wish I would have done this sooner. I am curious, what has gotten you to the point of acceptance that your family member with BPD will never change and you will never have the kind of loving relationship you would like to have? I wish I had done years ago what I am doing now which is  practicing radical acceptance which I find lightens my step most of the time and makes me feel more compassionate towards myself and others.

[zachira]

I was raised by a mother with BPD. I have two siblings with BPD. I endured abuse from all of them for most of my life hoping one day that they would love and respect me. I went to several years of therapy after my mother abused my dying brother, and our relationship was changed forever. I accepted that mom would never change. My siblings have done many cruel things to me and it is their denying my getting any of mom's things that is the last straw, and I finally realize that my brother and sister only wish the worst for me. I am feeling mostly relieved now that I am accepting my sibIings for who they are and wish I would have done this sooner. I am curious, what has gotten you to the point of acceptance that your family member with BPD will never change and you will never have the kind of loving relationship you would like to have? I wish I had done years ago what I am doing now which is  practicing radical acceptance which I find lightens my step most of the time and makes me feel more compassionate towards myself and others.

[Notwendy]

I think it may sometimes take something as extreme as what you went through. Without that, I think I held on to the hope or expectation that there was some possibility of a relationship.

Mine was incremental. I think the first time I observed my mother flat out lying without any remorse of concern was a shock. I mean, we don't see our mother's like that. How is it possible to have any kind of a relationship with someone who you know lies to you? I suppose sometimes she isn't lying but I can not tell what is true and what isn't.

When my father died, I experienced how cruel she could be.

Learning about BPD helped me to understand that her behaviors really didn't have anything to do with me. She didn't set out to be cruel, she doesn't even know she is being cruel. I think she can't see it. So this helped me to not take her behavior personally and also not feel resentful towards her.

Being around her family helped me to have compassion for her. They are invalidating and patronizing to her. I think it would be tough to be raised in that family. She needs a lot of validation and I think she's been invalidated since she was young. They also act that way to me and it's not comfortable and surely it bothered her growing up.

So these have helped me to accept who she is. It's a combination of empathy and truly losing hope for any real relationship. At her age, she's not going to change, and also she doesn't act affectionate or warm to me. She basically sees me as someone to use. It's hard to accept this, but much easier to not expect it to be different.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
You describe your accepting that your mother with BPD was not going to change as incremental while being shocked how cruel your mother was to you when your father was dying. I do think we keep hoping for things to change with our family members while over time observing behaviors that lead us to believe that what we are experiencing with our family is abnormal and unacceptable. You have written about on other threads how you paid your way to college knowing that you could not count on your family to keep their word on helping you with college. I am wondering that as you got more independent of your parents, if it became easier to accept that your mother was never going to treat you right and you could not count on your father to stand up for you. I think we have to feel safe before we can often see the person with BPD for who he or she is. When the person with BPD is a parent, we often don't feel safe until we are truly independent of the parent and able to be on our own.
I imagine that having children and seeing how your mother treated them to perhaps be another step in accepting your mother for who she is. I was shocked when my sister had children and how my mother treated her grandchildren, which gave me some idea of how I must have been treated as a child.
It shows what kind of person you are that you can have compassion for your mother. I try to remember what one therapist told me, that if you get to really know a person, you will come to understand why they are the way they are. Certainly there isn't anybody that wishes to spend their life unhappy and constantly upset over often minor things like people with BPD tend to be.

[gotbushels]

zachira   

To me, acceptance means being at peace with the knowledge that this person is very different from what I thought they were, and what I wished them to be.

Learning about BPD helped me to understand that her behaviors really didn't have anything to do with me.

Me too. I think arriving at this understanding helps a lot. I think part of it is that when we logically see that we didn't cause the person to be the way they are—then we're neither to blame for the state it's in, nor responsible for the future of it. That then allows us to release ourselves from trying to make our wishes a reality with the person.

I think the first time I observed my mother flat out lying without any remorse of concern was a shock.

Me too, I saw this a lot. It helped me separate in my mind the image I had of the person, with what reality is.

It's hard to accept this, but much easier to not expect it to be different.

I appreciate this too. A tutor at a church I attend described shalom as peace in chaos. Acceptance to me feels like that.

I hope you continue to enjoy your peace guys.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- I recall wanting to be independent financially from my parents from a young age. I didn't know what BPD was. I just felt like I was a burden to my parents. I was my mother's scapegoat child- she blamed me for her issues. She even threatened to send me away to boarding school and although it was hurtful to hear it at the time, I wished they would.

But being financially independent from them didn't stop the hoping and wishing. I didn't know about BPD. I hoped that maybe if I was "good enough" my parents would show me love and approval. I became a people pleaser.

I had to not only accept my mother for who she was, but also learn that "good enough" was an illusion. I am "good enough" - just not for her because nobody would be.

Trying to please them stopped when my father died. I don't know if I could have given up on him. I could understand why my mother was the way she is. It took a lot longer to understand my father and how, in a way, he was disordered too even though he was a better parent to me. I didn't feel I could be good enough for him. My parents over reacted to anything I did wrong as if it were the crime of the century and they didn't seem to forgive anything.
When my father died, I no longer felt I had to try to gain his approval. I had stopped even trying to please my mother by then, as it didn't seem to make a difference. I still treat her kindly but not for her approval, but because of my own ethics. I don't have any wish to cause her distress- I just want to have a peaceful relationship and not get into drama with her.

As a mother, I would have these moments where my kids misbehaved, and I had to discipline them, but it was always gentle and with love. I realized I would not ever have considered doing or saying the things to them that my mother did. And shocked that these things - basically abuse_were acceptable in my home and passed off as "normal" but as an adult, I know this isn't "normal".

So it was a combination of experiences along with a lot of work on co-dependency.

[zachira]

Gotbushels,
Thank you for another one of your thoughtful replies. I agree with you that acceptance comes when we accept that the person with BPD in our life is not going to change or likely get better. It really is all about our learning to respond to their behaviors in ways that are constructive for everybody and keeping our own interior calm while doing so.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I always appreciate your posts. You have such a strong foundation in understanding what it is like to be the scapegoat in a disordered family throughout the life cycle. There are two ways that people respond to mental illness. The first is when the person with mental illness realizes that something is wrong and is uncomfortable with the symptoms of the mental illness. The second is when the person with the mental illness has no clue that anything is wrong which is a main characteristic of people with personality disorders. I really believe there is a strong genetic factor of inheriting the ability to be self aware and know what is normal behavior which is missing in people with personality disorders. You seem to be especially different from your parents in that you knew from a young age that what was going on in your family was far from normal, and have done everything to create a healthy life for yourself and your children. I too am different in that like you I frequently protested how badly I was treated by the family while doing all kinds of things to please them which did nothing to change my status as the scapegoat of both the immediate and extended family. My heart hurts when you talk about your mother threatening to send you to boarding school. You are very courageous in taking every step possible to be independent of your family when you were young and now.  So many times, the malicious campaign to sabotage the scapegoat at every step of the way, leaves the scapegoat so damaged that they are not able to learn to function normally for most or all of their lives. I realize we are the lucky ones, to have inherited the ability to change and grow, unlike our impaired family members with BPD. Thank you for all your contributions to the different boards on this site, as we benefit so much from hearing from members that have walked the walk and continue to do so.

[JNChell]

Hello, zachira. You have been through the wringer for sure. Coming out of that, or possibly transitioning into another step of the healing process can feel a bit strange. None of it is linear, as you know, but it can feel a bit unsettling to keep visiting the different rooms of our experiences, for what can look like, over and over. Going back to those thoughts and memories is necessary if those doors are to be closed once and for good. It really does start to calm down in big ways. The key is to simply keep at it everyday. I’ve felt tired and annoyed with having to stay after thing at times, but I stay after it.

Anyway, how did I accept my parents for who they were when they had abusive personalities?

That’s a great question. They both died in 2010. I don’t want to sound like I’m without emotion as I get to certain points without making this post too long. After their deaths I began to find things out about them from other family members that I had never met because my dad did the damage. I didn’t take the flood of info to heart because it was biased, but most of the things that I was told are most likely true. My mom as well. One of my grandmas sisters committed suicide way back when. That is sparse info to hold my mom to, but it tells me that mental illness was there and never dealt with. BTW, my grandma was a very cold woman. My dad was a spoiled brat. I can see it now when he would take me to grandmas with him. He was a perpetual child until the day he died.

Our situations are different. You’ve recently lost your mom, and your siblings and extended family are still doing what they do.

I guess that accepting who my parents really were has come down to a lot of learned empathy and acceptance. Something had to be sideways during their childhood and adolescence for them to behave the that they did as adults. They were terrifying at times. That doesn’t just happen. That’s not just because a child is misbehaving, or just being a kid. They are/were very damaged, or repressed (emotional maturity) individuals. I can empathize with that scenario up to a certain point. At the end of the day I can understand my parents, S5’s mom and my own behavior up to a certain point. Past that line is me. I’m aware, I’m pushing forward and continuing to do the work.

Maybe it’s a very fine line that allows us space to really see things for what they are, how they’ve always been and we decide to carve our own little slice of Heaven out of that. Acceptance has been hard and it still wavers. I’ll tell you what, it’s right there with anger. It’s been said that acceptance is understanding. I believe that. Radical Acceptance is a very different thing. RA is a choice that can push against our values and virtues. Our values and virtues are taught to us by our parents. We don’t feel good about our experiences as children. RA is a place that you create for yourself where you are at any given time. I know that sounds “out there”, but maybe it’ll benefit you. It is what it is, zachira. It’s ok to make your world a little more zachira, and a lot less of what hurts you.

[Methuen]

I am curious, what has gotten you to the point of acceptance that your family member with BPD will never change and you will never have the kind of loving relationship you would like to have?

Huh.  I'm going to chime in here and see if I can figure this out as I write.  Since I don't know where this is going to go yet, my ponderings may seem lengthy to some.

1) Delving deeply into what BPD means, and searching for what I need to do to live with my SO's BPD was necessary. This was my journey, not my mom's, 'cause she clearly wasn't going to ever change.  
2) I think incremental steps (as mentioned by NotWendy) applies to me too.  I don't think I started to see any of her behaviors as abnormal until I was married.  I mean, all that stuff was normal right?  After marriage, and once I had a "non" partner, I very slowly started to question her authenticity, and the lies and manipulation, need for attention, eating disorder, depression, anxiety, family history, splitting (although I didn't know that's what it was at the time), eventual scapegoating (after my dad passed 15 years ago), rages, irrational behavior and emotional dysregulation, and hearing myself moan to my husband over a decade that nothing I did was ever good enough.  There were way too many epic dysregulations, and last summer was the straw that broke the camels back.  So after 30 years of marriage, and 57 years of the above, the incremental steps hit their summit.  
3) I recognized I couldn't go on with the status quo.  She was destroying my quality of life (and my husbands).  It was crazy.  Life was chaos, and nothing about her behavior made any rational sense.  I recognized she was high-conflict.  I just couldn't go on like that any more.  I realized she wasn't going to change, so I set out on a journey to figure out what I needed to do to change how I responded to her.  I had no clue how to do that.  It has been an intense period of self-growth.  At some point, I realized I must have at least some responsibility for feeding the drama (although I was always well meaning, and believed I was "helping").

So, I think my answer is that I reached a point where I couldn't go on with the way things were any more.  I mean when you put your own life on hold and dedicate yourself to someone giving them more attention and love than you have time to do with your own spouse, and they respond with a very personal toxic venom, you kind of come to the point where you have to face the truth or completely self-destruct, right?  

Facing the truth sucks.  I think I spent a lifetime in either denial, or just trying to figure out what was wrong with me, that my mother and I were such "oil and water".  I always tried to be the perfect daughter.  

It's actually a relief to know it's not all my fault.  There's actually a rational explanation, and the BPD all goes back to the trauma she experienced growing up in her FOO.  I'm thankful I knew about the family history.  I can't imagine how much harder this would be if I didn't know any of the family history.  My heart goes out to those who don't because it was never shared (due to shame or guilt).

In terms of what got me to the point of acceptance, I don't actually know what came first: accepting that I was going to have to be the one who changed how I reacted to her, and then delving into understanding BPD and learning the new BPD friendly skills, or learning about BPD and the skills, and then figuring out that I was going to have to be the one who changed.  It's all kind of a blur.  It was a hellish period of time.  Everyone on this site knows what it's like to be "wrecked", and know you are "self-disintegrating".  When we nons finally hit the wall, I think we all have to face a personal reckoning.

That reckoning looks a little different for all of us, because our experiences are all different, despite having the common thread of a BPD SO.  It's a really tough thing to face, and figure out.  I mean, who doesn't want a loving relationship with their mother, or father, or sister/brother right?  Giving up on that expectation seems like a really big ask.  

I still have a relationship with my mom.  But it's very different because now. It has boundaries.  None of my friends need to put boundaries on their relationship with their mom.  I can't have "normal" conversations with her.  I can't tell her what I think.  I always have to ask her what she thinks.  Every conversation is superficial.  I always have to validate her feelings.  She doesn't show interest in my life, but I have to be genuine to her.  When she dysregulates I have to protect myself.  I have to seek ways to feel safe.  My friends don't have to do that with their mothers.  And the worst of it all, is that with everyone else in her life (friends, community members, past co-workers) she seems perfectly normal and gregarious - a fun person.  Almost all her dysfunction is for me (and a little for her bf, and occasionally a very close friend where the friendship eventually fizzles out). I support her in ways that are safe for both of us.  When a crisis hits, I have to figure out how to keep myself safe, because every crisis presents new challenges.  It's shifting quicksand.  So I still have a relationship with her - but it's so different now, because my expectations are gone.  I have none.    But my H is super helpful, I have a therapist and this site has been a huge support.  She's also thankfully on anti-depressants (her idea because two of her good friend were on them, so that made it ok).

But for sure, hitting the wall, coming to the reckoning, and find our way out of the chaos as "nons" is a really hard thing to do when you genuinely love the pwBPD.  

This thread posed an interesting question Zachira.  I'm glad you asked it, as it gives us all a chance to delve a little deeper and reflect some more, and read and learn from the responses of each other.

I also think that to be able to move forward, we have to accept that we are entitled to a life of our own making, and to have our own feelings (and not the BPD's feelings), and to believe that we are worthy of these things.  {It might have been you who initially pointed that out to me.} Then we can start to see through the FOG, and find our way.  But this means we have to let go of the dream to have a "normal" relationship with our BPD or in your case BPD's...so that's what makes it hard.  Who wants to let go of the dream?  How hard is that?  Relationships and a sense of belonging is what brings meaning to life, so RA is a deep personal journey I think.  But one worth taking, because there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I am doing a lot better than I was 8 months ago, for which I am thankful.  

radical acceptance which I find lightens my step most of the time and makes me feel more compassionate towards myself and others.

I'm so happy to read this, and so happy for you.

[Notwendy]

Methuan- you made some important points:

This was my journey, not my mom's, 'cause she clearly wasn't going to ever change.  [

Learning about myself, my parents, and how to deal with my mother was my journey and I grew a lot personally from it.

On the relationship board there's a lot of talk of doing personal work. Some people have asked, why- if they are the problem- why should we do the work. The answer is ,we've been putting in a lot of (futile) effort trying to change the other person. Investing that effort into US- gets better results- and we keep the relationship skills we gain from it. We are the beneficiaries of our personal work.

I also think that to be able to move forward, we have to accept that we are entitled to a life of our own making, and to have our own feelings (and not the BPD's feelings), and to believe that we are worthy of these things.

YES!  Many of us are so used to focusing on the parents' feelings. Our family revolved around BPD mom's feelings. Well- we can have our own feelings! This is about boundaries- knowing what is "us" and what isn't.

[TelHill]

I accepted my dBPDm as not normal from an early age. This is about my brother. He has an undiagnosed PD.

He’s 6 yrs older and I never spent much time with him growing up. I assumed the teasing and nastiness was normal sibling rivalry. He went his way and I went mine. We had pleasant interactions during my LC times with parents.  But we were never as close as I desired & made efforts to be. Through therapy I discovered it could be his reaction to our mom’s full-on BPD.

I have spent more time with my parents due to my husband’s passing & my parents’ major illnesses since 2017.  I was in such shock at my H’s death, I mistakenly went along with caregiving them. I assumed he would help.

No, he was AWOL despite my requests for help. He was angry at my requests and the ridicule began. I started to closely observe his behavior with my parents and other relatives to make sense of his odd behavior.

He follows the money. He has made himself appear more prosperous than he really is - renting an $100k car and pretending he owns it, taking vacations, buying $$$ wines, etc. . The expenses outweigh the salary. He’s a high school teacher.

My relatives are fighting each other for property in our family’s place of origin - outside of US.  It was worthless until the last ten years. There’s a land grab now. My brother is acting as everyone’s friend and confidante -bad mouthing each relative’s enemy. The warring relatives don’t speak to one another. They would realize what a phony he was if they compared notes.

He doesn’t think he has to be careful around me. He doesn’t hide what he’s doing from me.  My enabler dad remarked on it too - your brother should realize that he can’t be friends with everyone.

My uncle has already given permission to my brother to sell a piece of property and keep 50% of the proceeds. My uncle doesn’t know my brother is good friends with his nephew who is our cousin. This nephew tried to steal my uncle’s family home by hiring a crooked lawyer and switching ownership.

My uncle is elderly & doesn’t have much time left. Just like my parents...  Brother is friendly to this rotten cousin because my cousin has the means to hire lawyers and takeover everything - pushing the rest of the rightful heirs, including me, out. My brother is counting on a big commission.  There are a lot more layers to this.

I am totally disgusted at my brother’s behavior. He’s a con artist. I want nothing to do with this or him. I am guessing he’s a sociopath comorbid with BPD.

That’s my cue for RA and complete NC. Like all of you kind folks here, I value honesty and kindness. We’ve all suffered at the hands of people who cannot or will not reciprocate the love we show them. They love money and use people.

Zachira, am glad you had the courage to walk away from your brother and sister. They remind me of my brother. Thanks for starting this thread.

[zachira]

JNChell,
You are certainly right that the process is not linear, and we certainly come in and out of it. I think that we can fool ourselves thinking that one day we will just be over it, and have completely moved on. We will always be sad about being abused by our parents, the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally. I admire how you have talked to people who knew your parents, and have wisely chosen to believe what makes sense to you. Certainly nobody else can understand the clandestine parental abuse the way we do, and how the disordered parent often has quite a different presentation to the outside world. Your learned empathy and acceptance makes you a special person as you can understand people's pain and struggles at a depth that most people are not capable of. This also helps you to have deep compassion for yourself to no longer internalize the messages you received from your parents as a measure of your real selfworth. I appreciate your kindness and sharing your journey.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for sharing your journey. I do think it helps to look at how we have come to accept our family members with BPD. It is certainly a long and arduous journey, and especially difficult when we are raised by a mother with BPD. Your description of your mother with BPD fits mine better than any one I have ever read. The frustration and hurt of having a mother who is charming to the outside world and sometimes acts like a mother figure to other children is so confusing and emotionally painful. I recently came to realize my cousin has BPD and that she is indeed very similar to my mother. In fact, they were good friends. I have loved this cousin for years, and sometimes she filled a void for me that I couldn't get from my own mother while she was/is abusing her adult son similar to the ways my mother abused her children. I think we are more able to walk a mile in another person's shoes when we come to understand the relational dynamics with a close family member with BPD, and we become better persons in our own right, especially when we are able to help some of the hidden victims of a family member with BPD. We certainly are worthy of a great deal of respect when we insist on a higher level of interacting, don't tolerate being abused, when we are with our family member with BPD. I believe this more respectful way of interacting benefits the BPD as well, though they are unlikely to see it that way.
You describe what seem to be a common denominator in accepting our family member with BPD: At some point, we feel safe enough to do the deep soul searching we need to do to value ourselves and to accept that our family member with BPD will never change. You have been married for many years. Some counselors consider our spouse to be an attachment figure similar to a parent though different in many ways.To make a healthy marriage, when we have been abused as children, seems to come from a very high level of self awareness of what you need, and some how  you knew that at some point even though your mother has not given you the love and respect you deserved as a child and as an adult.

[zachira]

Telhill,
I do see you and I are in some ways on similar journeys as first we had to recognize that our mothers had BPD and than many years later recognize that we had a sibling/siblings with BPD. You think that my siblings and your brother are similar in some ways and I agree. I think my siblings are much worse than my mother. My mother wanted very much for her children to get together after she died and peacefully divide her things. Despite my siblings' efforts to keep me from seeing my mother in the last two years of her life and likely to take me out of the will, my mother continued to call me and express her distress over not being able to see me. My mother told me a few months before she died that she knew there were problems between my siblings and me. You discovered the full extent of the kind of person your brother is when he outright refused to help you with your parents. For me, it was my siblings' helping themselves to all of mom's things even though I am according to the will supposed to have one third of mom's belongings. I think we hold onto wanting to have a relationship with our siblings because it is the family relationship we are most likely to turn to for support when we don't have the right kind of parents. When we are raised by a mother with BPD and a father who enables our mother, the children can be more damaged than the previous generation. How you and I have been able to be better than the people who raised us and not turned out like our siblings, I think has to do with an innate ability for empathy and expectation of reciprocal relationships.
I am truly sad about all the stealing your brother is doing. I feel for you. I really appreciate your understanding and compassion for my situation with my siblings. I hope that I am able to be there for you in ways that are helpful and healing.

[Imatter33]

For me, I thought the birth of my daughter may change the way my mother viewed me.
An adult, with all the responsibility in the world.
When she addressed that I had had a baby only to aid in her own defense of what she wanted from me, and not to ask how I was, or what I may need (being three weeks post-partum I snapped. I remember saying aloud to myself. Wow, she will never respect me. Having had much time to reflect (NOW) . I see that the respect I always craved,  is the ability to view me as an adult that doesn’t owe her anything. Her illness makes her having this reality highly unlikely.

In learning about the BPD mother I am so angered for the children. Being one myself, and  realizing that the nature of healthy mother child dynamics, ( nurturing of an unique and individualistic sense of self) and BPD are polar opposites. (A plague of self-identity crisis and fear/PANIC of abandonment. A child being reared and one day leaving is the goal of nature. It is something I think BPD mothers hate the most. Yet they also hate being in the position to be a mother, bc they know instinctively they have no idea how to nurture correctly. This makes our journey to adulthood and freedom HARDDDDDDD.

For years our BPD mothers got to tell us what to do, There was no boundary setting, or limit setting and no disagreeing with them for 18+ years. This pattern continues unless you find yourself an adult that “Snaps” Sees the horrendous patterns that exist and make a change.

I made a change. I am proud of myself.
My mother is unhealthy, not evil. But I don’t have to justify that I need to be away from an unhealthy person. My heart is still full of love for her and those two things can coexist. Love and NC, or LC.

I imagine i will have hit RA when I’m not posting about how this decision makes me feel like a bad person. And when I no longer care what my FOO thinks, bc I am happy, healthy and safe.

I think I have forgiven my mom, but she also hasn’t hurt my feelings in a while.
Radical Acceptance is big one. I state the obvious.

[TelHill]

Hi zachira,

You have been very helpful in my quest to accept my BPD family dynamics by applying the tips and tools. I would rather thrive with caring friends.

Taking an RA/NC stand with my brother feels healthy and calming. I can sense that in you, too.

[JNChell]

I think that we can fool ourselves thinking that one day we will just be over it, and have completely moved on.

I’ve thought through this more than once. My 20’s were my best, I’m 43 now. I had moved out and taken hold of my life. I had no idea that this stuff would surface 20 years later.

We will always be sad about being abused by our parents, the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally.

Yes.

the disordered parent often has quite a different presentation to the outside world.

This is the hardest part sometimes. Nobody saw. I’ve relived this aspect with S5’s mom. I mean, my romantic relationships have never been healthy, but...

I can remember weird feelings while being in a social setting with my parents. It was a fake family. Nobody knew what was going on. It manifested into being normal, and that was that. Basically, we were stripped of our rights and voice as children. Silenced by fear.

You’re trying to accept what happened to you and the people that are involved. You’ve been dealing with several disordered people throughout your life. Are you trying to deal with them as a whole? Or do you see individuals that have hurt you throughout the years? Is it the disorder, or the individuals?

[Methuen]

JNChell:

Are you trying to deal with them as a whole? Or do you see individuals that have hurt you throughout the years? Is it the disorder, or the individuals?

I like this question a lot.  I think I see where you are going with this...

It has to be both, right?

It's kind of like the age old nature-nurture question.  There's probably some genetics at play with the "individual", but then there's the environmental influences in their FOO which trigger the "disorder".  When our BPD SO is emotionally dysregulating, and making poor decisions, or raging at us, I find it more helpful to think of it primarily as the disease/disorder.  My previous T suggested I visualize the disease when she dysregulates with me, rather than seeing my mom (if that makes sense).  I have found this strategy helpful over time.  I say "over time", because depersonalizing the venom directed at me has been a process.  

It was a great question.

[zachira]

I am really moved by realizing that for many of us healing and moving forward involves accepting that the family member with BPD will never change while recognizing we can still love them when we are limiting contact with them to interactions that are safer for us. Certainly we cannot let overwhelming feelings like hatred, overtake us. I think it is natural to go back and forth with at first feeling anger before being able to access our sadness about being mistreated by our family member with BPD. When we can feel sad for ourselves, then we can feel sad for how our family member with BPD must be suffering with so much emotional dysregulation. Many have described trying to help their family member with BPD try to regulate their emotions and finally realize that only the family member with BPD can take responsibility for their feelings and behavior.

[JNChell]

zachira, there’s been a lot of great feedback here. I’d like to focus on your original question. I’d also like to compliment you on being there for others.

When we can feel sad for ourselves, then we can feel sad for how our family member with BPD must be suffering with so much emotional dysregulation.

Empathy and understanding. We’re not dead in the eyes when someone looks at us. We’re still here. Pat yourself on the back for that. You’ve overcome a great deal. Abuse is a very serious thing. It can destroy people and cause more of the same by generation. You know that first hand.

Are you willing to cut ties, or at least go very limited contact with the people that are continuing to hurt you? I don’t know, but imagine that question might invoke some anxiety in you. The roaring in your head about what to expect from people that abuse you.

It’s how we’re wired. It’s our initial reaction. That’s a big part of RA as well. Acceptance of ourselves. RA can be a foundation to build on. We know what we were robbed of and we don’t currently have a key to a time machine, so we’re left with the path behind us, and the path ahead of us.

Accept at your own speed. I know that you’ve already imagined it. What do things look like for you once you’ve moved past all of this hurt? Fishing? Sewing? Community work? What fulfills zachira?

[zachira]

JNChell,
Thank you for caring and your thoughful questions. I am quickly moving past the hurt this time. My siblings denying me my share of mom's things really is the last thing they could have done to hurt me deeply. For over two years, I have been cordial with my siblings most of the time, while occasionally having to stand up to some of their horrid abuse. I feel sad for my siblings on how badly they act, and I realize the best thing I can do for them and myself is make myself scarce so they can not use me as an excuse to not face their shame, not they are going to do so. I am maintaining good relationships with more distant relatives who have always been kind to me despite how my siblings have tried to convince them that I am a bad person, and I am in contact with them privately. I am no longer replying to the familylistserve as I realize any positive response from another relative willl likely result in my siblings' jealousy and subsequent smear campaign.
The coronavirus pandemic is really putting things into perspective for me. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am not in any danger of becoming homeless like so many people. My friends and neighbors are reaching out to help each other, in addition to some of my more distant relatives, and I am feeling supported and loved. I think I was just finally ready to let go of trying to having a healthy relationship with my siblings, and the coronavirus pandemic has put everything into perspective. I am living mindfully from day to day, which I think is the ultimate prescription for happiness. I am enjoying walking in the park and seeing so many wonderful friends and neighbors.
How are you doing?

[JNChell]

Hi, z. I’m doing well. Thanks for asking. The company I work for was forced to shut down until further notice today. I guess that’s where things are currently heading.

Being cordial and kind has a time limit in my estimation. Giving with no response is one thing. Giving and receiving abuse is another. You’ve been opening up a lot lately, and I understand why. After my grandparents died (mom’s side), my sis and I quietly cut ties. I’m not sure if the remaining family is really even toxic, but it was just too much to explore. I have no desire to check back in with them or put myself on their radar. I was never there to begin with.

I’m sorry that your siblings are denying you of sentimental things. It’s really something how they are able to do things that we could never dream of doing. They just don’t get it and never will. You, on the other hand, have the ability and awareness to understand it, and that’s why it hurts you. Your pain is justified. Your siblings wouldn’t be able to handle what you’re currently dealing with. They might very well tear themselves apart if they had to deal with what you’re currently sitting with. But, this isn’t about them. This is about you and how you’re feeling.

I realize the best thing I can do for them and myself is make myself scarce so they can not use me as an excuse to not face their shame,

This looks like a boundary. Something to protect yourself and your feelings. Is that accurate?

How are things going with your other relatives? You know, not everyone believes the BS that others spew. Are they reaching out to you? Do you feel like you can talk to them? Not necessarily about your toxic family members, but just talk to them about normal and peaceful things?

Like you, I’m trying to find the positive in our current crisis. I had a couple of great conversations with friends today. It’s looking like we’re going to have some time on our hands. Plenty of time to take some time out of the day to think and reflect. 

[zachira]

JNChell,
Glad to hear you are doing well.
Thank you for understanding my situation.
Yes, I have some relatives who are very nice, yet I have seen again and again how they buy into the toxic scapegoating that has been going on for six generations with many different members of the family. The best I can do is have my relationships with some of the family members I appreciate behind the scenes. I just don't feel like defending myself anymore, and I really can't if I don't know what lies my siblings are telling. I have had the experience over and over again of having a family member genuinely like me, my sister gets jealous, suddenly they are best friends with her and don't like me anymore. My brother also manipulates my sister to do a lot of his dirty work for him, like kick me out of Christmas, tell me all kinds of things that are lies, etc.,  It is just so much easier to stick with my friends who really know me, both my strengths and challenges, than participate in the toxic family drama.