How did you do it?

[hope2heal]

I wrote awhile back and really appreciated your words, so I'm back. Since then, my boyfriend's lawyer was able to call his ex and her lawyer on some of their manipulation. He got a message that while she's "not happy about and does not agree to the former 2-2-3, there's nothing that can legally prevent it". So, today they're at their SENE, where hopefully the evaluators will give a fair reading and an adaptive settlement can be reached. I'm not hopeful though...this lawyer is the only professional who has been willing to help us. Everyone else essentially poo-poos the situation and says we just need to be the bigger people. I get that, but when things are blatantly wrong...it almost feels like its killing you. She has moved and now lives 3 blocks from us...we live in a big city, and she gets county assistance so I know it was unnecessary to move somewhere we have to see her every day. She screenshots portions of messages to paint J as a negligent father...I mean you all know how it goes. It truly is nothing out of the ordinary for BPD, my struggle is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. My best friend told me to remember each move she's made has been to regain control, and she has in every area except J and I's relationship. Not for lack of trying, prior to having her blocked on all platforms she would bombard me with messages about his lying, cheating, abusive, nature. None of which is true and I know that. I guess I would just like to hear stories from those who have had similar situations and made it through, and what helped you as an individual cope. My therapist recommended trauma therapy as the things J's ex is doing are similar to what I grew up with my BPD mom. I'm a mental health professional and I talk with patients and familes every day about the empowerment of embracing where you are and utilizing supports like therapy, but here I am feeling like I'm just being weak. That there are people who've experienced 'real' trauma (I don't know why I see it that way, so if that's a question I dont have an answer...). I feel I'd be taking precious resources from other people if I were to start seeing a trauma therapist. I know others have been in this position...it would mean the world to hear how it got better.

[worriedStepmom]

Gaslighting is a form of trauma.  It's mental abuse designed to make you question the very essence of who you are and what you think.  The fact that you experienced this as a child will just compound the effects of what you're experiencing now. 

If your therapist is recommending this step for you, then you should try it.  If it really isn't the right avenue for you to pursue right now, the trauma therapist will be able to identify that and tell you. 

I'm sending you virtual hugs, because I know how hard this is.  My therapist and I work on it too.

[ForeverDad]

It has been remarked in the past, I don't recall a specific source offhand, that many therapists limit themselves to one BPD client at a time, and some therapists seek help from other therapists just to handle it all.  PwBPD are a challenge to all, even therapists.

[hope2heal]

Thank you guys. There was a true BPD show put on during the mediation full of tears and J's inability to safely care for his children. She went so far as to tell these evaluators "I have no problem with her, she's great! And we have a wonderful relationship" as she spoke of me. Obviously none of this is true...she's verbally annihilated me multiple times and I have her blocked on all platforms. Sadly, the old rule 25 came into play and J cannot have overnights with his children except for weekends I dont work as I must be present to ensure their safety...
The mudslinging was incredible...she even accused him of having untreated bipolar disorder...
This is all temporary as in another 30 days with an updated assessment they will meet and make new, more permanent recommendations. The hope is this second meeting will then be the end, but honestly I've lost hope in the system. She has skirted just beneath criminal activity with her assaults against J and the confiscation/reading of his phone for 2 months. She has gotten everything she has wanted in this case. Her recent suicidal statements and extreme sucidal gestures during their marriage was barely acknowledged. We know suicidality and para suicidal behavior tends to go hand in hand with BPD, with with multiple young children this has to be addressed.
I'm having trouble reconciling that a human can be this horrendous...I don't want to be consumed by her chaos and pain and I try so hard to stick to my routine and cope, but my anxiety related to the divorce is just off the charts. She seems to be doing anything and everything she can to slow the process down, vilifying J and martarying herself as the selfless, sacrificing parent. I can leave work, I can walk out those doors and keep myself in check. I am struggling to do that here, to remind myself her control issues are temporary, J's lawyer is very aware she is doing whatever possible to maintain control ie wanting full physical and legal custody but allowing him to see the kids as she sees fit. I guess I know how to cope with BPD clinically... I have no idea how to do this personally...I guess I am looking for validation that this will not be our lives forever. That her behavior cannot be sustained, especially given that she is pregnant again (this will be her 5th child). I love this man, I love this life...I just dont know how to manage her.
I am so grateful for this outlet. I know I need to get this 'ick'out of my head, but I hesitate to talk to friends simply because I don't feel they deserve to be subjected to such toxicity especially since they have not had to navigate something like this. Thank you for your welcome, it means the world and helps me rebalance my beliefs on the goodness of people.

[ForeverDad]

When there is an extreme level of obstruction and maligning of the other parent, that's when I ask, Could that person also fit the traits of Histrionic PD?

[Panda39]

hope2heal,

My Partner has an uBPDxw and they share 2 daughters.  I met him when he was separated and going through his (2 year divorce  ).  I can hear how drained you are I used to get that way too and in my case my anger was through the roof.

Mom had primary custody in the beginning my partner had every other week end.  Mom neglected her daughters, mom was using Parental Alienation tactics to distance their daughters from their dad, made false allegations of abuse, mom was evicted twice while waiting for the divorce to be completed, we had a Custody Evaluator that seemed to have drank mom's koolaid etc. So many things were just wrong!

This was the worst time for us, I considered breaking things off with my partner more than once, because it got so heavy for me.  But together we got through it.

Be prepared that everything will not likely go your way.  The court likes to look fair. Also be prepared that you may need to go back to court later to ask for more, for many of us here getting what we want comes in increments. 

But for now, I know it's horribly stressful, the injustice is maddening, and the games are over the top.

Things you can do...walk away from it all for awhile and practice self-care do something you enjoy or helps you relax, take a time out with your partner agree not to talk about the ex, the case etc and spend some time focused on each other (since we are all indoors and can't go to the movies...nice home cooked meal and netflix?) keep your relationship strong.  Have game night with the kids focus on you all as a family etc.  Focus for a while at least on anything other than the ex and your case.

You (and your partner)need to take time away from this sometimes and re-charge your batteries as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.

Keep coming here and venting it helps just to get it out but also folks here can give you different perspectives, ideas and ways to use some of the tools we have available to us that can help.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[hope2heal]

Thank you guys! Anger, outrage at the injustice really is draining. The combination of that anger and anxiety has had me questioning this relationship, but hearing your stories that started similarly but are better now is very helpful. We want to be able to get married and have a child, I just can't do that while this situation is so toxic. I am concerned there's a narcasstic flair to this BPD scenario, the blow ups seem to be a mix of a BPD rage and narcistic injury. The narcisim seems to show up first, that no one but she can adequately care for the children and when that's challenged the labile dysregulation shows full force with an emotional rage, accusations of abuse, etc. The tips you guys have given has been really helpful. We're going to figure out a routine of sorts to refill our cups and soothe our souls while we wait. She is limited financially and that may be our only saving grace here, that she can only go so far since she does not have financial means to go as far as she'd like. His reassessment is today, they'll be calling me for collateral but they'll be calling her as well. I am trying to remind myself to breathe through the rollercoaster and keep taking these steps forward. It sounds a bit silly, but I'm also hanging in to the idea that someday I will the one responding to a post like this offering support and guidance. Thank you. ❤

[worriedStepmom]

I just dont know how to manage her.

You can't manage her.  That's the problem, especially for those of us who are fixers.

You can put really strong boundaries in place to keep her drama away from you.  Your BF can work through the courts to keep as much of her drama as possible away from the kids and also make sure they have access to therapy to help them deal with the emotional trauma that mom is causing.  And on his time with them, the two of you model unconditional love, validation, and appropriate boundaries.

And that's about all you can do.  We have to let go of the rest, or at least learn how to manage the anxiety it causes.  As Panda said, this isn't likely going to be a one-time trip to court.  If mom can't gain control of herself, there will be more court cases until there is an agreement that adequately protects the kids, with built-in consequences for mom.

[Grady]

Hang in there.  It's all about not giving up and keeping your eye on the prize...more time with the children.  It took us years for SS to be even be allowed at our home and around me.  We went from H only seeing his S when he went to BPD's home to having him every other weekend and one night a week and now we have 50/50 for the next year or so. Our next battle is when SS begins kindergarten and will need to be at one home during the weeks so he can go to one school (BPD lives an hour away).  Throughout this battle, BPD has filed numerous false claims and we have spends tens of thousands in lawyers and dealt with the courts.  BPD does parental alienation with me all the time.  She definitely emotionally abuses and neglects SS.  It's a mess.  SS keeps asking when he gets to live with us forever.  So, our nightmare is far from over, but compared to where it was, it's much better.  All I can say is keep fighting for the children.  They deserve it.  And don't let BPD derail your plans.  If you want to get married and have kids, don't let her behavior play a role in that.  Then she wins.  You do you regardless of her bad behavior.

[livednlearned]

My therapist recommended trauma therapy

Have you read Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk? That's kind of where it all started for me and then I found a therapist who specializes in somatic experiencing therapy on https://traumahealing.org/

when things are blatantly wrong...it almost feels like its killing you

That's probably a combination of the current nuttery activating old pathways from your childhood. Do you think you can ride out a lot more of her shenanigans without it impairing your well-being too much if you can resolve the physical part of your childhood trauma? I don't mean beatings, I mean the physical experience of your own emotions when they were overwhelming as a kid. If you had a BPD mom, your body will have experienced a lot of fear and it will likely be very tied into your current responses to threats.

She has moved and now lives 3 blocks from us

Of course.  

my struggle is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

It's taken me years to figure out how to live my life well when there is an ever-present BPD person hitting all my triggers. I don't know if somatic experiencing is the panacea for your struggles, but for me it has been a game changer. I feel like it allowed me to release the necessary emotions I was never able to experience during early trauma. My childhood techniques for surviving trauma have been a blessing in many ways, and they have also prevented me from moving on. It was like those gut reactions to threat kept activating as though I was a kid again, unable to put in perspective my adult powers to protect myself. So much of the advice I received felt hard to implement because of how I physically felt with SD23 in the house. Just allowing her to hug me felt like admitting defeat.

Maybe if you work on the level of somatic experiencing you will find the (very real) crap she's throwing at you more manageable.

I now think of my family as a nervous system and my goal is to center my own nerves so that everyone else has a baseline for their own responses. People with BPD create wedges in relationships. It's the social outcome of splitting. When I feel emotional distancing from H, I fix it quick. The goal is to shore up any holes in the dike and not allow water to breach what we've built. Learning how to do that effectively has made me so much more skilled than I ever was. You will learn that stuff, too. It's the silver lining to all this  

I feel I'd be taking precious resources from other people if I were to start seeing a trauma therapist

Where does this story that you don't deserve trauma therapy originate from?

If you had a BPD mother, you most certainly deserve to count your suffering as trauma.

The court stuff is a whole other level of pain that adds stress to our situations. But at the end of the day, it is meetings and paper.

Take care of you first -- that's the best way to create the exact type of feeling you want to have in your body. When you know how that feels, you can start to manipulate the environment so that it reflects those grounded feelings. I do all kinds of things to make sure I feel those feelings in my own home, even when SD23 is here. It doesn't work all the time and I'm a work in progress trying to figure out some pretty basic stuff with assertiveness, but the saving grace is that I know I'm able to do something about it.

That is so much better than being a kid with not a whole lot of options in a home with someone abusing us.