Traumatic breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Im 25. I met this girl through tinder. We met in april. I thought she was very pretty and i felt happy about finally meeting someone. Obviously my low self esteem also didn’t help me see the signs. Some signs were there from the beggining. The relationship escalated quickly. One day after months into the relationship i asked why she didnt presented me to her parents. She bursted into tears in an uncontrollable way crying her guts out. I had to soothe her. She then told me she had a bad relationship with her parents and brother. She told me her mother was abusive with her as a child. I just trusted what she told me and was on her side. The relationship was healthy at first because we only saw each other a couple of times a week.

Then the idealization phase came. She looked at me mesmerized and admired me. All i wanted was to take her out, buy her things and make her happy. Then one day she suddenly stopped talking for 4 days couple of days. I already had fell into codependency and was hurt for her silence. So i started thinking all kinds of things even about breaking it off. But i knew i was freaking out from my neediness. I just told her i felt bad about it when she contacted me and everything was normal again. She had little friends and was very jealous about other woman even though i never did anything to make her jealous. She told me how she lost contact with her best friend from a chat argument and blocked her.

The real problems started before i left for a month trip. She wanted to see me all the time she could before i left. She moved a lot of her stuff into my place. I didnt seem to care i loved being with her and i even grew more codependent. During the trip i did a spiritual seminar. I wasnt supposed to use the cell phone but at nights i had a short conversations with her. When the seminar ended and i travelled for 2 weeks. Into those weeks we talked a lot. We were both into deep codependency and needed each other. She started feeling as if she couldnt  do her normal things from talking to me all the time so one day she totally ignored me and that evening i got angry through text because of her silence. i knew everything was going to be fine later and the next day we made amends. When i came back the push pull game started. She wanted more time alone. And i was feeling i wanted to get closer to her. One day she showed me a picture of her at a younger age and i told her how pretty she looked. Then i showed her a picture of mine and she said that she wouldnt had dated me looking like that. I felt hurt and became angry so she did silent treatment for two days. I admit the whole thing was childish on both parts and i wasnt the man i used to be. I became a more immature needy guy.

In december i invited her on holidays. Before the trip we had an argument because i got jealous because she wanted to show off our relationship to her ex as  a form of revenge. She blamed me for making a scene about it. Then during the trip she said in front of my family she never wanted to have children. That upset me and we had an argument. Mainly because i felt embarrassed but maybe i could have behaved more mature about it. Everyday she was glued to me like a child. When we came back at mid january she started hanging out more with her friends. I was having a bad week in which i was in a bad mood because i sensed her distance. The next days she started cried in different moments saying i didnt respected her appearance and her space. Even still after the drama everything was fine between us there was affection. On the last day of our relationship early in the day afternoon i tried to calm down her crying but she kept on so i told her i had enough with her drama. Then she looked happy that i became angry. We went with her friends and then to a party. I shouldnt had gone there.. She took mdma and ignored me the whole event she said she would be going back to sleep at her friends and i freaked and left telling her i was done. She looked happy and told me it was fine by her.

The next day we didnt talked. She posted photos of her having a great time and photos on bikini. Then the next day she talked me in a formal way to get her stuff from my place. I tried to talk her into talking about it but she made her mind and only spoke through text.. She told me she was done with the manipulation and control. And threw me every argument we had in the past. She was acting like a whole diferent person. I instantly felt guilty because i knew i had said some mean things but there was never a serious conversation on the matter. I was confused she switched from being loving and affectionate into this cold person. She deleted all our photos from her instagram account and two days later blocked me from every social media. I was devastated. And she was out there celebrating and partying. I started therapy twice a week and seriously training. I had never felt so much guilt and emotional pain in my life.

Now three months later and NC im much better. Still at times i ger a chilling sensation and a sense of betrayal. The person i knew is long gone and turned into someone else. I can relate a lot to bod being like children in an adult body. Getting to read posts about the illness has helped me understand other viewpoints. I understand i also was responsible for a lot and im not trying to excuse myself. Codependency took the worst of me at times and i lost control of my emotions.

[Martin 123]

Im 25. I met this girl through tinder. We met in april. I thought she was very pretty and i felt happy about finally meeting someone. Obviously my low self esteem also didn’t help me see the signs. Some signs were there from the beggining. The relationship escalated quickly. One day after months into the relationship i asked why she didnt presented me to her parents. She bursted into tears in an uncontrollable way crying her guts out. I had to soothe her. She then told me she had a bad relationship with her parents and brother. She told me her mother was abusive with her as a child. I just trusted what she told me and was on her side. The relationship was healthy at first because we only saw each other a couple of times a week.

Then the idealization phase came. She looked at me mesmerized and admired me. All i wanted was to take her out, buy her things and make her happy. Then one day she suddenly stopped talking for 4 days couple of days. I already had fell into codependency and was hurt for her silence. So i started thinking all kinds of things even about breaking it off. But i knew i was freaking out from my neediness. I just told her i felt bad about it when she contacted me and everything was normal again. She had little friends and was very jealous about other woman even though i never did anything to make her jealous. She told me how she lost contact with her best friend from a chat argument and blocked her.

The real problems started before i left for a month trip. She wanted to see me all the time she could before i left. She moved a lot of her stuff into my place. I didnt seem to care i loved being with her and i even grew more codependent. During the trip i did a spiritual seminar. I wasnt supposed to use the cell phone but at nights i had a short conversations with her. When the seminar ended and i travelled for 2 weeks. Into those weeks we talked a lot. We were both into deep codependency and needed each other. She started feeling as if she couldnt  do her normal things from talking to me all the time so one day she totally ignored me and that evening i got angry through text because of her silence. i knew everything was going to be fine later and the next day we made amends. When i came back the push pull game started. She wanted more time alone. And i was feeling i wanted to get closer to her. One day she showed me a picture of her at a younger age and i told her how pretty she looked. Then i showed her a picture of mine and she said that she wouldnt had dated me looking like that. I felt hurt and became angry so she did silent treatment for two days. I admit the whole thing was childish on both parts and i wasnt the man i used to be. I became a more immature needy guy.

In december i invited her on holidays. Before the trip we had an argument because i got jealous because she wanted to show off our relationship to her ex as  a form of revenge. She blamed me for making a scene about it. Then during the trip she said in front of my family she never wanted to have children. That upset me and we had an argument. Mainly because i felt embarrassed but maybe i could have behaved more mature about it. Everyday she was glued to me like a child. When we came back at mid january she started hanging out more with her friends. I was having a bad week in which i was in a bad mood because i sensed her distance. The next days she started cried in different moments saying i didnt respected her appearance and her space. Even still after the drama everything was fine between us there was affection. On the last day of our relationship early in the day afternoon i tried to calm down her crying but she kept on so i told her i had enough with her drama. Then she looked happy that i became angry. We went with her friends and then to a party. I shouldnt had gone there.. She took mdma and ignored me the whole event she said she would be going back to sleep at her friends and i freaked and left telling her i was done. She looked happy and told me it was fine by her.

The next day we didnt talked. She posted photos of her having a great time and photos on bikini. Then the next day she talked me in a formal way to get her stuff from my place. I tried to talk her into talking about it but she made her mind and only spoke through text.. She told me she was done with the manipulation and control. And threw me every argument we had in the past. She was acting like a whole diferent person. I instantly felt guilty because i knew i had said some mean things but there was never a serious conversation on the matter. I was confused she switched from being loving and affectionate into this cold person. She deleted all our photos from her instagram account and two days later blocked me from every social media. I was devastated. And she was out there celebrating and partying. I started therapy twice a week and seriously training. I had never felt so much guilt and emotional pain in my life.

Now three months later and NC im much better. Still at times i ger a chilling sensation and a sense of betrayal. The person i knew is long gone and turned into someone else. I can relate a lot to bod being like children in an adult body. Getting to read posts about the illness has helped me understand other viewpoints. I understand i also was responsible for a lot and im not trying to excuse myself. Codependency took the worst of me at times and i lost control of my emotions.

[once removed]

hi Martin 123, and

wow. it sounds like things were pretty volatile, a whole lot of fighting. i can relate to that, i think a lot of us can. it sounds like you really loved her, too.

its good to hear that some of the edge has been taken off. i know how raw and rough those earliest days can be, but it really does get better.

so how are you holding up? how is therapy going?

[Martin 123]

Im at a point where half of the time im fine and the other im freaking out mostly because there is no logic to what happened. Maybe i pictured it like im over it in the post but im still struggling on letting go. Though i made a huge progress in facing the facts because i was in shock and denial and no couldnt stop talking about it all day long. Im glad i found this community. I think the worst is when i wake up and i feel like what the hell is going on how can her love turn into total indiference so fast and been shut down like this. I was so confindent around her that i never thought something id say would turn into this. I really dont care about her now. I want my sanity back and recover from this horrible trauma. Therapy helps i talk on the phone twice a week because im doing quarantine. I think quarantine also helps because it feels like im in some kind of rehab. Although times are difficult. There were so many broken promises and i just see this person with different eyes. I think i should be glad it lasted less than a year, and i didnt compromised anything so its just all in my head. A month after her blocking me i contacted her from another phone. She had turn the story to another level saying that i even manipulated her to have sex! Thats when i realized things were crazy. Because during the breakup i just wanted to make things right and apologize. I didnt even knew about bpd back then.

[daze507]

Hi, not sure if that can help but I found this post of a treated BPD talking about her experience and I think that it is interesting to have the point of view of someone who were on the other side, especially when it comes to their devaluation.

https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-know-if-someone-with-BPD-has-devalued-you-forever/answer/Kimbriana-Beavers

[once removed]

indifference, in my experience, was one of the things that hurt the most. my partner and i were close friends for three years, and together for just short of three. she was always needy and dependent, whereas i spent a lot of the relationship keeping a foot out, hesitant to commit. i wondered how i suffered so much, and she seemingly did not.

one of the hardest things for me to get my mind around is that toward the end, probably for the last year, my ex and i were on very different pages...didnt understand or read each other so well. looking back, that was part of why i didnt see the ending coming, and why i struggled so much with it. i didnt know it, and she sent mixed signals, but my ex had actually grieved the relationship to an extent, whereas i was prepared to reinvest and improve things.

do you think that might have anything to do with why everything felt so sudden?

[Martin 123]

I dont think that she grieved it before. Maybe the last week of our relationship but im still not sure. 8 days before we were on vacations an she even said she could start considering having children in the future. This girl wasnt normal. She used to cut people like that before just conditioned by how she felt. After the final trigger she had one day with her friends alone. And thats when she took the desicion. As if she came to a realization picking up every specific thing id said in the past that hurt her. She was so sure that i was an abuser and she needed to escape. So she didnt even feel bad about it. This person was childish most of the time. Id considered it cute but it had a dark side.

[Martin 123]

In the end she kept saying how she was afraid of me that i was a violent person. I remember she used to be so weird. Once after a homeless man asked us for money while laying close to the atm. She freaked out and ran two blocks i had to chase her.