Hello. What are your techniques for soothing your own emotional distress?

[Saienne]

Hello all,

I am stepmother to a young adult who received a diagnosis of BPD earlier this year during a period of inpatient treatment following a suicide attempt. After two months of reasonably good progress, she made another attempt this weekend (we do not yet know the trigger; it took us by surprise) and is currently back on an inpatient ward. She is not yet in therapy, but does take medication.

My particular challenges are:

• my own personality - pretty sensitive, very emotional and prone to anxiety, extremely conflict-averse - difficult to stay strong in the face of the criticism and blame that comes with BPD behaviours, and also difficult to maintain fair boundaries without feeling lots of guilt and fear
• my stepdaughter’s desire to exclude us, her family, from these experiences entirely - she actively chooses not to engage with us on how she is feeling, which can be very challenging when we want to be supportive. I can respect her choice here without liking it - I understand it’s just another way she’s trying to protect herself and exercise control over her situation. But I do also feel that it sets us up for failure, and that’s hard to grapple with
• my partner really wanting to believe that ‘there’s nothing wrong with her’ and not being willing yet to consider changing his own behaviour to make things easier for the whole family - to be honest, neither of us has quite got the right approach yet: I’m too accommodating and he’s not accommodating enough! More work required, but we are so early days in learning how to deal with all of this

I am a problem-solver by nature, which can be a torture when it’s a problem you have no place trying to solve. So I’ve done the next best thing, which is to educate myself (books, books, books!). I have also turned to Stoic philosophy as some kind of relief for my own distress: bear and forebear seems an excellent motto when dealing with family members with BPD. What in this situation can I actually control? Not much - just my own choices and my own responses.

It’s tough though, and I don’t see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I think I’m probably experiencing a bit of grief that my life is not going to be as easy as I had hoped it might be!

I’m interested to learn how some of the rest of you look after yourselves. I don’t feel I’ll be able to be terribly useful to her unless I am mostly okay myself. What are your techniques for soothing your own emotional distress in the face of BPD behaviours?

Sai

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tanager]

I think the realization that life has totally changed hits hard. I envisioned a very different retirement from what I am experiencing.  My days are full with helping my bpd daughter, who has moved home, and my husband, who is recovering from cancer surgery. Plus facing a myriad of other regular responsibilities.

There isn't  much time for self-care, so I find small moments. When I walk the dog, I find three beautiful sights, like the sun shining through the trees.or I mentally list 3 things I am grateful for. I try to find some small pleasure in the present moment. Right now everyone but me is still asleep, and I'm enjoying a morning coffee. It's lovely!

[Roseglow]

My heart goes out to you Tanager and Saienne.  I too, feel these feelings, frequently. You are right that it is almost like 'a death in the family many times over and over" when we have to endure the rages, the blame, the distrust, the critical judgment for things we had nothing to do with, etc etc.

On thing that has helped me immensley is meditation.  There is a free app called "Insight Timer" that has thousands of meditations with new ones being entered each day.  The ones I find especially helpful are ones about "Letting Go" , Gratitude, You are enough, etc.  A few teachers on the site particulariy come to mind AnneMarie Rowley and Tom Evans.  some of the meditations are very short, medium ~ 10-15 min, or longer (1 hour). They even have meditations to help you go to sleep, some based on the Yoga Nidra starting point.
I want to remind you that you are not to blame.  I really believe we do the very best we can for our children, given the knowledge we have.  Parenting is NOT for the faint hearted.  Do some  reading on the Karpman Triangle on the BPD central site.  It will give you a few tools to step back to center and be more objective.  Remember, our children our sick. Somedays, very sick.  If they could, they would not choose this hell to live through.  However, by enabling them, I don't think is the answer.  Self care is so important.  Best of Luck,... we are here with you!

[Tanager]

Thank you so much, not only for the Insight Timer suggestion, but for the compassion. I was hesitant to join this forum, but am so glad I did.  Just knowing others walk the same path makes me feel so much less lonely and isolated.